To wonder if it's ever OK NOT to prioritise education?

[ChoccyBee]

For me, DC formal education is a massive priority, however a family I know have moved house from a very average property, average area, OK schools to a character property in a not so great area with utterly dire schools as it's always been their dream to live in a character property, (although they have said it is definitely not a 'forever home').

They were aware when they bought this character property that it was cheap because the Secondary catchment school was really really dire and there are no jobs in the area.

Of the kids living at home there is a Year 10 DD and a Year 12 DD, so obviously both are at a very critical stage. Parents have a decent standard of education (both have bachelors degree & one has Masters from RG uni) and good jobs (mother part time, father on a well above national average salary, so they're not poor but not loaded either) yet the parents feel that a degree is nice to have, but give their DD no encouragement at all! They've not saved any money towards a degree and just say they will wait and see how it pans out. I feel if they don't do a degree and move away they'll struggle to get jobs in the area!

The DCs could get a place in a different better undersubscribed school, but apparently it isn't possible as the school is an hour (I think) round trip for the parents to drive on the way to work and they say this would clash with being in work for 9am!! Both currently work in the same town with a 20min journey to work. Given there's no issue dropping the kids off at 8:30 and getting to work at 9 I took this to mean they couldn't be bothered to do the journey?

Now, I do understand that people have different ideas of what a DC education should be and that some parents prefer to HS or put a lot of time into extra curricular activities, or maybe take time off school to take DC travelling around the world or whatever and I have no issue with parents wanting to give their DC other opportunities instead of lots of formal education, however these parents do none of that at all!

They are quite concerned that youngest DD will do badly at GCSE because she is a bit lazy with some SEN, they hardly ever check homework is being done and I'm not convinced they'll help with a revision timetable when the time comes. If she does get poor results all I can think is that the parents shouldn't be too surprised?

Am I missing something here? As far as I can tell they just view having a nice house for a few years, being able to spend money instead of saving for Uni and not making the commute to work longer as more important than DC education, and to me that seems selfish. Or am I missing something and they're justifiably giving a better work life balance / home life?

Thanks for comments everyone. I don't want to out myself just in case the DM reads MN, but let's just say I'm a probably nosey and over-invested family member!

I'm not sure I've explained myself terribly well, but just for the record, I'm not a massive snob who thinks every kid needs to go to perfect schools, it's more just a concern that whatever choices are made it should be well thought through with the DC's best interests at heart.

It's interesting reading some of the comments defending lack of parental involvement. It's something I find very hard to relate to.

Why do the children need to be driven to school? At that age most children travel by themselves. Can they stay at their current schools?

I'm not sure exactly. I don't know if it's to do with the SEN (very possible) or lack of school transport? Or bus times? I really don't know.

Wow. Judgemental.
I don't do many of the things you listed. But I'm interested and I care. You are basically implying that these parents don't.

One key thing you are missing is that the DC don't have to change school just because they have moved.

My last employer had a really dire education had terrible general knowledge and his handwriting was unreadable but he lives in a huge house in the country and drives a quarter of a million pound car

Yes, I know some statistical outliers too, at both ends of the scale.

One key thing you are missing is that the DC don't have to change school just because they have moved.

Well, they probably do if the move is a couple of hours away from the old school.

I don't do many of the things you listed. But I'm interested and I care. You are basically implying that these parents don't.

I'm sure you do care.

Wouldn't you help DC with homework if they were underperforming quite a lot though? (Assuming you were able to assist with the subject.)

I wouldn't have thought uni was necessarily the best choice for someone with SEN TBH OP (although depends on the SEN obviously).

I wouldn't want them shoehorned into Uni, just supported if they wanted to.

They don't check homework nor will help with a revision timetable?

Wouldn't occur to me to do that once they're at secondary school. Of they asked me, I would, but surely if they can't do that for themselves at 16yo they're going to struggle to do it for themselves at university 2 years later.

Wouldn't occur to me to do that once they're at secondary school.

Not with an underperforming child / some SEN? I genuinely find that odd if so. I agree that if they were fulfilling their potential and coping fine it wouldn't be needed.

Yes, you are nosy and over-invested. I agree.

Well it makes a bit more sense that you are actually related to them but it is still their affair. Fwiw although my parents were not unsupportive of me, there was no interest in my homework (which I very often didn't do or did to the minimum standard). Definitely no saving for uni and very much a feeling that how I did was up to me. Both my dsis and I chose to revise hard when it came to exams and went to Oxbridge/RG unis. Our self motivation was what made us successful and the feeling we had a real choice in what we did in life was very powerful. I don't know what dps would have done had we had SEN but I imagine in that instance they would have helped us make appropriate vocational choices based on our potential

I have a child with severe SN choccy - and TBH education is the least of his concerns.

Your definition of parental involvement sounds very controlling to me.

Ds2 (the grammar school boy) has a very different approach to academic work than me - I loved it, he loathes it. Rather than saying 'you're bright, you should be getting X A levels and then going to university' we're currently looking at all sorts of alternatives to A levels. He's not me.

Likewise ds3 (not at the grammar - but loves academic work and reading) probably will want to go to uni - but is an anxious child - so I am more interested I supporting his anxiety than pressuring him to study or rote learn.

Your approach to education sounds incredibly narrow to me. I hope you don't say any of this stuff to them. I had to tell my mum to zip it because ds3 could hear what she thought of his school and that wan't fair.

Some of your comments are quite OTT and show rigid thinking towards education, prospects and parental involvement in all that.

BUT, fwiw, I agree that's it's quite poor parenting to deliberately move near to a school you know to be crap (supposing there are no mitigating factors - needing to be near a specific hospital or to care for family etc...) and certainly to move at all when your kids are in year 10 and 12.

If that makes me judgemental, sobeit.

OP, I agree with you. The parents are being very selfish and they should care more about their children's education. Unfortunately, you've come across the MN "oooh, don't be so judgemental" crowd..

An important marker of future success is positive mental health. This family sound like they are moving to a better home (for them) and that the parents are reducing the time they spend commuting. I imagine this will allow them to spend quality time together as a family.

It's a great way for them to support their DC.

Well 'rubbish school' can be in the eye of the beholder. My mum thinks ds3's school is 'rubbish' and ds2's school is wonderful. I think ds3's school is brilliant and producing children who are creative and can work independently while supporting their mental health and encouraging them to develop maturity. I think ds2's school is disappointing and has killed any spark of interest ds2 may have had in academics .

Why would you not save for University? I don't understand that bit.

Maybe if you don't have any spare cash? We don't have savings as it's all gone on severely disabled ds1. If ds2 or ds3 go to university we will help out how we can but it won't be much.

TheNaze73:

Some people can't afford to save for university. Others don't think university is worth the money.

It sounds like a bad decision, from what you have told us.

Most families I know try to make decisions to prioritise their dc's long term wellbeing, where possible.

This can mean different things to different families and at different times in life - working less to have more family time, earning more for financial stability, safer area, cleaner air, not just schools - but I suspect that most would value schools highly around GCSE/ a level time.

Seems odd to prioritise a 'character property' over schools when their kids will be adults in a few years time.

With my primary aged children, I sat with them doing homework, read with them every single ruddy day even when I had six children (foster carer). By the end stages of primary and secondary, unless they need help with reading still (DS1), they should be mainly independent, coming to parents for help with specific things. DS1 needed a bit more organisational support (Sen), but most DCs that age should not.

If they haven't internalised your parental voice by then, it's probably a bit late. All you do by hovering is teach them to outsource their thinking. Which trains them up nicely to be an average husband, come to think of it.

A really good friend of mine had very involved parents. She was also incredibly bright. They were so over invested in her education that she was given unecessary extra tutoring every night, and pushed to Oxbridge to do a degree she didn't want to do particularly.
Problem was, despite being bright she had zero ability to self motivate, and flunked out after a year despite being one of the most academically minded people I know.
An extreme example maybe, but I think too much involvement can be bad. Children need to have some self motivation.

pickle