To wonder if it's ever OK NOT to prioritise education?

[ChoccyBee]

For me, DC formal education is a massive priority, however a family I know have moved house from a very average property, average area, OK schools to a character property in a not so great area with utterly dire schools as it's always been their dream to live in a character property, (although they have said it is definitely not a 'forever home').

They were aware when they bought this character property that it was cheap because the Secondary catchment school was really really dire and there are no jobs in the area.

Of the kids living at home there is a Year 10 DD and a Year 12 DD, so obviously both are at a very critical stage. Parents have a decent standard of education (both have bachelors degree & one has Masters from RG uni) and good jobs (mother part time, father on a well above national average salary, so they're not poor but not loaded either) yet the parents feel that a degree is nice to have, but give their DD no encouragement at all! They've not saved any money towards a degree and just say they will wait and see how it pans out. I feel if they don't do a degree and move away they'll struggle to get jobs in the area!

The DCs could get a place in a different better undersubscribed school, but apparently it isn't possible as the school is an hour (I think) round trip for the parents to drive on the way to work and they say this would clash with being in work for 9am!! Both currently work in the same town with a 20min journey to work. Given there's no issue dropping the kids off at 8:30 and getting to work at 9 I took this to mean they couldn't be bothered to do the journey?

Now, I do understand that people have different ideas of what a DC education should be and that some parents prefer to HS or put a lot of time into extra curricular activities, or maybe take time off school to take DC travelling around the world or whatever and I have no issue with parents wanting to give their DC other opportunities instead of lots of formal education, however these parents do none of that at all!

They are quite concerned that youngest DD will do badly at GCSE because she is a bit lazy with some SEN, they hardly ever check homework is being done and I'm not convinced they'll help with a revision timetable when the time comes. If she does get poor results all I can think is that the parents shouldn't be too surprised?

Am I missing something here? As far as I can tell they just view having a nice house for a few years, being able to spend money instead of saving for Uni and not making the commute to work longer as more important than DC education, and to me that seems selfish. Or am I missing something and they're justifiably giving a better work life balance / home life?

As mentioned before, I don't think they HAVE to do a degree. I just think that they should feel supported and as though it is an option open to them.

Why such a vested interest in this family? Worry about your own issues and family!

yet the parents feel that a degree is nice to have, but give their DD no encouragement at all!

neither did mine.

she couldn't care less about my schoolling, my homework, my gcses, my a-levels or my degrees. Either I did the work or I didnt and i got no support or encouragment and zero financial support. She never knew what homework I had or assignments or exams.

over one Christmas period I'll never forget her coming home and yelling at me for being lazy for staying at home all day. she ranted that she had been out in the cold shopping and I was sitting on my arse in the warm. I had exams coming up in January ffs. She just expected that I continue a life of doing what she wanted and I having essays or exams due wasnt a consideration to her.

The thing is though I did my work and I got my degrees: 2 of them.

If you want something badly enough you'll do the work and that applies to teens too, they aren't babies.

Interestingly my bf at universities had one of those insufferable mothers who supervised him every step of the way, breathing down his neck even at university, even collecting him and taking him home to get away from me to push him at home.

He ended up doing nothing with his life, not using his degree at all and in a dead end job for 15 years.

Even at years 11-12 they should take responsibility for their own work and revision and exam prep as no one is going to be able to do it for you in the real world. My exes pushy mother couldnt accompany him to work......

I wouldn't want to comment on this until you were more forthcoming - what is your interest in this?

Wow, I'd leave them alone to get on as they see fit. It's nothing to do with you.

There is of course a chance they may have discussed university and future plans but decided not to share this with their gossipy friend/ family member.

Who needs enemies? 😂

Are you family op?

I can kind of imagine if you are granny watching this that you might wonder at the choices being made, especially if you ensured dc attended a good school and gave much support.

Unfortunately there is little you can do in this situation whoever you are to this family.

I cant believe anyone worries to this level about friends. It really has nothing to do with you and we chose a needs improvement school over an outstanding school for dd1.

For both my ds's we have prioritised mental health over education. For one this means he is not in school and quite likely to get no GCSEs at sixteen. For the other it means he attends a school with restricted opportunities to gain GCSEs although hopefully will gain the basics. My theory is that they can catch up on examinations at any age but once good mental health is destroyed it is difficult to get it back.

I know 4 peoole who went to the local rough comp who are far more succesful than me... accountant, primary school teacher etc. I went to a very elite private school ( hated it) and im on just above minumum wage.

When i say rough como im not being snobby.... it was notorous!

Comp even

Yes it's ok to prioritise making a nice family home over getting into a school with a good OFSTED. yes it's ok to consider other factors of family life over what school the children are at. Yes it is ok that they haven't "saved for uni".
I work at a school considered to be "shite". The results are comparatively poor. But I'd happily send my children there. It's a warm and welcoming school. It's a caring community. And there are children who will do really, really well.

Honestly, I judge more the snobs who over stretch themselves to buy a stupidly overpriced tiny house so they can get their kids into a sought after school with all the other snobby rich parents.

There are many reasons a school is considered "shite", and not all of them will result in your friends children's failure, OP!

Why are you so invested in this family and their educational plans? Concentrate on your own children's education and university savings pot.

They're not your kids though, so.....??

Why should a child with SEN be pushed into an academic corner? Might not be good for their mental health or self esteem. Perhaps the parents are being realistic! Perhaps there are things in the background that you aren't aware of.

We have always put our dc first and if that meant education going on a back burner for their overall well being, sobeit.

I also think that you are a grandparent as you seem to be very concerned about the children and have an unusually high level of knowledge about the family's habits.
If so, I think this is a specific question about the needs of the children in your family, and doesn't have much to do with people generally 'valuing education'.

If you aren't family, I suspect your knowledge of their lifestyle and priorities is far less than you think, you are taking throw away remarks far too seriously, and you need to maintain a healthier distance.

OK according to whom? You? God?

Honestly, OP, I come from a world where the idea of choosing a different house because of local schools, driving a hour to get your child to a different school, or drawing up a revision timetable for a GCSE-age teenager would be considered deeply odd. I have an Oxford doctorate. Relax, OP. Not all the world shares your white-knuckled attitude to education.

Perhaps the parents feel that being self motivated and independent will help their children more in the long run.

I checked out the local school before moving and thought it was great. In fact it didn't suit DS at all so we had to move him. Our local schools are ok. Not brilliant but ok. If we moved we could get to better schools, but how do we know the DCs would do better there?

I'm a teacher by the way, met DH when we were both at Oxford Uni, was encouraged pressured educationally by my parents...

Interestingly, research shows that the results the students get are largely down to factors other than the school they attend - around 90%. These include genetics, non-shared environment and peer effects, so they will most likely be fine. For convenience my kids have gone to what ever school was closest to our house so they could walk (we have moved about a bit) and they have ranged from supposedly outstanding to being in special measures. I am far from a neglectful parent, I just have things in perspective.

My parents did something similar. They bought a converted barn in the middle of nowhere before I was born. It was on the outskirts of a town but a very rundown and poverty stricken town.

Educationally, going to an awful secondary school didn't hugely harm me. I didn't learn much but that wasn't a problem. Socially, things were harder. I was subject to a lot of bullying.

I'd personally always ensure my children were attending a school where they would meet children from similar backgrounds to make friends. It can be lonely otherwise.

Why do the children need to be driven to school? At that age most children travel by themselves. Can they stay at their current schools?

My parents were the most loving kind people ever, but going to school was just something to get out of the way really. I don't check my children's homework it's really something that wouldn't occur to me, but I'm always here for them and I've always sorted out problems at school. I wouldn't expect any of my children would go to university. My last employer had a really dire education had terrible general knowledge and his handwriting was unreadable but he lives in a huge house in the country and drives a quarter of a million pound car

You sound very over invested OP? Are you the grandmother?

FWIW dh and I are oxbridge educated, bother have post grad qualifications and my mother (who left school at 15) is horrified by our choice of school for ds3. She wanted him to go the grammar like ds2. A) it would have been a terrible school for ds3 who gets anxious in tests and B) he didn't get in. In the end I had to tell her I had heard how she felt but she needed to stop going on about it. Incidentally ds3's school is wonderful - it has a very different approach from the boot camp schools that are so prevelant these days and he is doing very well there.

Meanwhile I am telling grammar school boy to think very carefully before signing up to uni because he hates hates hates academic work and study and it could be a very costly mistake.

I wouldn't have thought uni was necessarily the best choice for someone with SEN TBH OP (although depends on the SEN obviously).

If you're not the grandmother you have s very rigid idea of what education and life paths should look like. Either way you need to mind your own beeswax really.

As for the opening question. I'd always value actual education over exam results (education & exam results are not the same thing). Furthermore I'd always value mental health over education.

Devil

I could have written your post.