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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being selfish?

60 replies

ZanStable · 15/03/2017 10:46

It's my first mothers day with my new DS and I wanted to spend mothers day with him and OH having a tea party. However my OH has now asked his mother over which is nice of him but I feel a bit sad that my other two children are not here (they are 20 and 18 and at Uni) and DS was an unexpected arrival. The week after is my OH birthday followed by his mum's birthday so was going to make a special fuss for her then. Plus my own mother is hundreds of miles away so does not seem fair that we treat one but not the other. I really wanted a small thing just 3 of us having sandwiches and cake and tea but I feel now I will have to focus on my mother in law and I guess I am a bit upset about that. I feel selfish and rotten for thinking it would have been nice not to have to share the day and for once have the focus on me but I will not stop his mother coming and she is lovely but very much a centre of attention person so worry I will get lost and forgotten about as this happens a lot in our family .which is why I asked weeks ago for just a special afternoon tea for myself. Am I being selfish for being a bit upset about sharing the day?

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 15/03/2017 10:50

It's Mothering Sunday. I don't think it's unreasonable for him to want to see his mother. It's not his fault your mother lives hundreds of miles away or that your other two children aren't there.

I'm not saying I don't understand why you feel like that, though.

Trifleorbust · 15/03/2017 10:51

I think it's a shame you feel the way you do, but you can't help the way you feel.

DoingThisRight · 15/03/2017 10:52

I think yabu but I understand. Can't you do something the 3 of you for breakfast or in the afternoon and then spend part of the day with his mum?
All the other stuff is irrelevant.

imisschocolate · 15/03/2017 10:53

Its my first mothers day with my DD this year. We normally spend it with MIL every year but we're not this year. Am expecting this to cause a fight.

Like you my DM lives away and i have DH and MIL birthdays in the next few weeks.

YANBU DH should have asked how you felt before inviting. As its done now and cant really take back invite, can you have the tea party at lunchtime and have MIL for dinner?

BertsBlanket · 15/03/2017 11:03

In the nicest possible way, it sounds like you're a bit over-invested in the idea and value of Mothers' Day. What happens on that day is not representative of your value within your family (unless there is an ongoing issue of your MIL being prioritised over you, but in that case it's that that's the problem, not Mothers' Day).

How about asking your OH if you can split the day in half - one half to make a fuss of MIL, the other half for just your own immediate family.

Or just decide to yourself that it isn;t important either way. If you can't manage that then (nicely) let your OH know how you feel - the worst case scenario is you stewing on this feeling miserable and sidelined but doing nothing about it. The day will come and go and you'll end up feeling bitter and unackowledged. But do bear in mind hasn't actually done anything wrong (any other issues notwithstanding) so can;t be expected to know that you aren't happy. Hope you can sort something and feel better about it Flowers.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 15/03/2017 11:05

Tell dh to visit her in the morning and be back for your mother's day afternoon tea.

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 15/03/2017 11:05

Sorry but you are being precious and childish.

mumonashoestring · 15/03/2017 11:11

I feel now I will have to focus on my mother in law

Nope, you let your DH focus on both of you - make it very clear that, if he's not going to be courteous enough to at least discuss the idea with you when you've asked for something very specific, you won't be doing any of the prep, running around/cooking/serving on the day, or card or gift buying for MIL. He's essentially doubled his workload Grin

Original poster
ZanStable · 15/03/2017 11:19

As I said I am not stopping her coming round and I adore her but I know exactly what will happen my OH will leave me to wait on him and his mum. He has form for this. I share my birthday with his sisters and my eldest DD he gets birthday parties and special meals etc and I don't as everything is shared. I am just a bit sad I am aware it's childish and selfish which is why I feel so bad for feeling this way. I will do my best to make sure MIL has an aging day and shug it off but don't want to end up resenting people that's all.

OP posts:
Bantanddec · 15/03/2017 11:20

Wow that's cold op, you don't want your oh to see his mum on mothers day? Yabu!
I'd do anything to see my dad on fathers day but sadly I can't as he passed away years ago so I don't have that luxury.

Original poster
ZanStable · 15/03/2017 11:21

Amazing day * auto correct

OP posts:
Original poster
ZanStable · 15/03/2017 11:26

I never ever said I would stop him seeing her just that I wanted the afternoon tea to be just the 3 of us he can visit her for most of the day but just wanted a few nice hours. Now I feel even worse for wanting time with my OH and DS so will cancel the tea and spend the day at MIL.

OP posts:
Justanothernameonthepage · 15/03/2017 11:32

What will happen if you book an afternoon tea somewhere nice for all of you? That way you won't be guilt tripped into acting like the maid? I do have a little sympathy as it's nice to have at least one day where you get a bit of fuss made about you.

ZilphasHatpin · 15/03/2017 11:34

my OH will leave me to wait on him and his mum. He has form for this.

This is the problem! Tell him today that the hosting and waiting on is his job! It should have been his job anyway even if his mother wasn't coming. It's Mother's Day, he should be waiting on you.

ZilphasHatpin · 15/03/2017 11:35

so will cancel the tea and spend the day at MIL.

Right stop playing the martyr card. You're being silly now.

Original poster
ZanStable · 15/03/2017 11:46

I feel awful and even worse now I have voiced it and been told I am being cold hearted, childish and precious. I would rather cancel my plans take his mum out for a nice meal. Told oh now that we should take his mum out somewhere instead not trying to be a martyr just feel so guilty and bad .

OP posts:
ZilphasHatpin · 15/03/2017 11:49

Well you are being a martyr and sulky. You are pissed his mum is coming over to ruin your special day so you've thrown your toys out of the pram. Have your day at home, your DH can cater to you all.

Sunnydaysrock · 15/03/2017 11:51

Op i think you're entitled to your feelings. My mum lives a long way away, so never see her on mother's day. MIL lives locally but DH just pops over quickly. He is more than happy with that... i think when you have your own kids you're allowed to want a mother's day to yourself occasionally! I don't remember my mum seeing my grandma on every mother's day. Sorry your day won't be as you hoped Op.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/03/2017 11:56

Nothing wrong with him seeing his mum, lots wrong with them expecting you to wait on then.
Could you and your dc go and visit your mum?

DrunkenMissOrderly · 15/03/2017 11:56

See the baby you want to spend Mother's Day with? One day that baby with grow up and have children of their own. You won't stop being their mother and hopefully they won't want to stop celebrating that day with you - and hopefully their partner won't try and stop them either. Do you get where I'm going with this?

JoJoSM2 · 15/03/2017 12:01

I don't think you're selfish just a poor communicator. Tell him that you would like just the 3 of you to have that special afternoon tea. It makes perfect sense that he wants to see his mother on the day - he can arrange lunch of dinner with her. The sooner you speak to him the better - there isn't much time left.

tigerrun · 15/03/2017 12:03

Am imagining you all sat on tiny chairs having a tea party like 5 year olds with your DH sat there barely concealing his 'WTAF' face

YABU, in fact I think deep down you must realise you are being selfish precious princess! I really don't get mums who are 'me me me' about stuff. Would love to show OH this to remind him how low maintenance I am!

TheHuntingOfTheSarky · 15/03/2017 12:18

Unless your MIL is a total dragon I'm sure she must appreciate that you're a Mum too and won't expect all the attention to be on her.

I can't really imagine being in your position as my DH is shit at Mothers Day, barely even remembers to buy his Mum a card, and has never made a fuss of me as, in his words, I'm not his Mother. Thankfully my DDs are now of an age where they want to make me cards and make a fuss of me, but my point is that if you're lucky enough to be getting a nice day with afternoon tea etc then his Mum being there for a bit of it shouldn't really spoil it for you.

I don't think you're being that much of a martyr or sulky, I do understand how you feel, I'm just saying put it into perspective a bit, and maybe think about how you'd feel if you were the MIL?

Pinbasket · 15/03/2017 12:18

Why don't you invite your mum to stay for the weekend too? All go out to early lunch and have a late afternoon tea back at your place to celebrate that your all mothers and the love it brings with it? supposedly!

NightWanderer · 15/03/2017 12:20

You only asked for one thing which is an afternoon tea the three of you and he couldn't even manage to do that. I actually think that's really crap of him. I'm not surprised you're upset. Why not spend a nice afternoon having afternoon tea with your daughter and let him suit himself?