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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being selfish?

60 replies

ZanStable · 15/03/2017 10:46

It's my first mothers day with my new DS and I wanted to spend mothers day with him and OH having a tea party. However my OH has now asked his mother over which is nice of him but I feel a bit sad that my other two children are not here (they are 20 and 18 and at Uni) and DS was an unexpected arrival. The week after is my OH birthday followed by his mum's birthday so was going to make a special fuss for her then. Plus my own mother is hundreds of miles away so does not seem fair that we treat one but not the other. I really wanted a small thing just 3 of us having sandwiches and cake and tea but I feel now I will have to focus on my mother in law and I guess I am a bit upset about that. I feel selfish and rotten for thinking it would have been nice not to have to share the day and for once have the focus on me but I will not stop his mother coming and she is lovely but very much a centre of attention person so worry I will get lost and forgotten about as this happens a lot in our family .which is why I asked weeks ago for just a special afternoon tea for myself. Am I being selfish for being a bit upset about sharing the day?

OP posts:

AmserGwin · 15/03/2017 12:20

YABU

YetAnotherSpartacus · 15/03/2017 12:20

Oh YANBU (even if I did imagine tiny chairs and cucumber sandwiches and those little coloured sweet square cakes from the 70s).

You sound to me like no one spoils you and GODDAMMIT you deserve to be spoiled.

I can imagine what will happen if MIL is invited. She (no matter how lovely) will be the centre of attention and you will end up, not being spoiled, but being the waitrss and host whilst your DH sits back and is also the recipient of your labour.

Yes?

I can think of a way out of this, but it involves you finding your frilliest apron, handing it to DH, and reading him the riot act about how making cc sandwiches and little coloured cakes is HIS JOB NOT YOURS then passing over your little one, while you have a bath (or do whatever suits you). Are yo up for this?

Then, when you have got the hang of this, do it more often, not just one day a year.

Says me.

StewPots · 15/03/2017 12:21

I don't really expect my DC to "do" Mothers Day for me, I'm totally fine with it, but I personally enjoy doing things for my DM and what I can for DMIL who lives 300 miles away, be it a special card for them or meal or whatever (DMIL is actually visiting weekend after MD).

My DH is crap with anything like this so it always falls to me with arranging cards, flowers etc, I do it for both mums and often by the time we've sorted that out I kind of get left behind, but that's totally fine.
I really love it when my DM loves what DC have made or that she's enjoyed a treat or meal or whatever (she has very little so I try really hard to make her feel special however I can), that for me makes Mothers Day.
Same for MIL. We call or FaceTime an she's chuffed to bits with what DC has sent (usually a pasta pic or painting that makes no sense - you know, the usual toddler art projects), or what "DH" has had delivered and proudly puts it all on display.

Last year I got a mug and a card, which I loved. That was it though. No breakfast in bed, no special tea, nothing. And that's fine. Because I planned to make others feel special, which in turn made me feel good, and it was a fab day all round.

And this year I'm doing a fundraiser which involves staying out overnight so on Mothers Day, me, DH and DD ;15) will wake up cold, tired and hungry but I'm happy with that too! Raising money for a fab cause, then off for a fry up and then a relaxing day on the sofa :)

It's what you make it OP. That's all.

Floggingmolly · 15/03/2017 12:22

Yes, you are. Your MIL is a mother too

witsender · 15/03/2017 12:24

She's his mother, why is it odd he wants to see her on mother's day?

ZilphasHatpin · 15/03/2017 12:25

When people say things like "she will be centre of attention" what exactly do you do/plan for Mother's Day that you expect all attention to be on you? you're not children, surely Mother's Day is just a normal Sunday but mum get a card, and everyone else picks up the cooking/cleaning she would normally do. It's not a special occasion like a birthday.

WorraLiberty · 15/03/2017 12:25

I adore her but I know exactly what will happen my OH will leave me to wait on him and his mum. He has form for this.

In the nicest possible way, that is what you need to focus on. Why would he have you wait on him on any day of the year?

It's natural that he would want to spend mother's day with his mother. I'm sure your grown up kids will phone/send cards/whatever they tend to do.

But it's not your job to wait on anyone, let alone your DH and his mum.

EmeraldScorn · 15/03/2017 12:29

You can still have your tea party but maybe later in the day? You could have your mother in law over for lunch, spend a couple of hours with her and then when she goes home you, your husband and your baby can have an evening tea party.

My mum would be upset if she didn't see her children on Mother's Day (and rightly so in my opinion) but she doesn't expect to spend the whole day with them.

I think it's wise to remember that although you're a mum, your mother in law is a mum too and one day your child will be an adult, imagine his partner expecting him to choose his partner over you on Mother's Day.

It doesn't have to be a competition, have her for lunch, have the tea party when she leaves!

Porpoiselife · 15/03/2017 12:46

Unfortunately you have to share mothers day! with anyone who is a Mother so you are being a bit unreasonable. I understand you want to have the day just with your new ds, but there will be plenty of those in the future I am sure as assuming he is not yet 1 if its the first with him? Plus you must have had loads of mothers days with your first 2.

Could you do a nice breaksfast for just the 3 of you? (or more to thepoint get your OH to do the nice breaksfast) and then just have MIL over for afternoon tea for a few hours?

diddl · 15/03/2017 12:48

It's obviously not right that just because you won't be seeing your mum he can't be seeing his.

Did he know what you wanted to do before he asked his mum over?

Why doesn't he visit her/take her out for lunch & have tea with you later?

My MIL once got in a strop because when visiting them in UK it was Mother's Day & I got a card & presents from my kids & she didn't. To add insult to injury my daughter let slip that I would be getting more again in May as it would be Mother's Day back home!

Shanshay · 15/03/2017 12:51

YANBU. He should keep some time just for three of you and just dont wait on him and his mum! Just sit there and if he's not moving say: "It's mothers day, I'll have a tea please!" Or whatever it is to mobilise him. I wouldn't fancy a day I'd planned for me and my family being hijacked by MIL either.

EpoxyResin · 15/03/2017 12:53

Well I have to disagree with 90% of posters on here. It sounds to me like your dh has compromised your mother's day treat by trying to kill two birds with one stone and make it the mother's day treat for his own mother too. He has two mother's in his life he deserve spoiling, and rather than organising to spoil each of you separately he's shoe-horned his own mother into your existing plans for convenience, denigrating your treat if you ask me.

OP isn't denying she's his mother or saying he shouldn't see her, but it's a whole day for Christ's sake; afternoon tea is not the only brief window for pampering your mother over the course of a whole Sunday! He shouldn't have invited someone else along to OP's "party", especially not another "birthday girl" (by way of analogy).

Original poster

ZanStable · 15/03/2017 12:53

I have cancelled the tea party and yes I wanted sandwiches, tea and cake like a 5 year old lol.
I am looking for somewhere nice to take his mother as I am not cooking. I am aware I am acting like a princess but I have never been a me me me person. I have not had a birthday for over 20 years I have kids what do I expect. I don't want gifts etc I just wanted some time as my hubby works long hours. I thought it would be a fun silly thing to have a bit of a tea party so that's what I asked for. I want him to see his mum and never ever suggested I didn't so please stop with the why stop him seeing his mum as that was never the plan. I just wanted him to pull his lazy bum into gear and want to do something nice for me and felt a bit upset that he couldn't seem to understand that.
I feel guilty for feeling this way and thought voicling it would make me feel less guilty and realise I am being stupid and get over it. However I know feel even worse just for asking for a silly tea party in the first place. If I had got lots of cards and gifts etc in the past I might not have asked but I am the mum who gets forgotten most of the time. I was hoping this time would be different. I expected too much clearly from some of the responses I have had. Which is actually the way I felt about it. I knew I was asking a lot and being selfish but I just wanted it once. I picked on mothers day cos I share my birthday with 3 others. Ah well taking my princess stroppy pants and leaving it be lol

OP posts:

sadallthetime · 15/03/2017 12:56

Aww I have not read all but I do understand how you feel . I got invited out by my sis last year for Mother's Day and it was great but it was first time in 19 years I really did anything .

If I was you I would TELL your husband to go to marks and Spencer's , buy a platter of sandwiches and lots of little cakes and just get him to plate it up nicely .

Sit back and enjoy . My own mum and dad is dead so I wouldn't be making too much of a fuss . Enjoy your family and your mil

EpoxyResin · 15/03/2017 12:58

It's not silly OP, I think it sounded a lovely idea and I think your dh has been extremely insensitive. The thing with not being a "me, me, me" person is that people start to take it for granted that you don't ever want things to be about "me", or that you won't mind if they never are.

I would bring that up with your dh and say that once in a while you would like it to be you that was the centre of attention - just you - but that any day will do. Have you bloomin' tea party woman, have it any damn day of the week, and if your dh won't oblige you take your little one out for tea and cake and you damn well spoil yourself!

YetAnotherSpartacus · 15/03/2017 12:58

I am looking for somewhere nice to take his mother as I am not cooking. I am aware I am acting like a princess but I have never been a me me me person. I have not had a birthday for over 20 years I have kids what do I expect

Suggestion... THIS IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Don't YOU look for somewhere. Tell that lazy DH of yours to do this!

Trifleorbust · 15/03/2017 12:59

I don't think you were being a princess, for what it's worth. Wanting to have something to yourself, once, isn't being a princess.

diddl · 15/03/2017 13:00

" I am acting like a princess "

I don't think so-"I am looking for somewhere nice to take his mother"-sounds more as if you are acting like a mug!

Tell him to sort something out himself.

Could you go to see your own mum or own of your other kids or meet up half way?

1AnnoyingOrange · 15/03/2017 13:04

Read your update.
Have a lovely tea party another time (it sounds nice to me). Your OH does need to do something nice with you, but maybe not this mother's day/excluding his DM.
Hope the 3 of you get a nice day out soon.

blackteasplease · 15/03/2017 13:08

Don't cancel the day/ tea!

Just make it very clear to your OH that he is to do the waiting on both of you, and that you are not to be running round after his DM.

If this doesn't happen when she is there just don't do it. Wait for him to do it as per your agreement. Or all go out for tea/ lunch/ whatever.

diddl · 15/03/2017 13:18

Sandwiches, cake & tea-what's silly about that?

It's just afternoon tea!

Chewbecca · 15/03/2017 13:29

We're seeing my MiL on Mothers' Day too & I'm fine with that since she is DH's mum!

The difference here is though that DH has booked a table for lunch for us plus our DC so I need to do nothing but turn up.

Chewbecca · 15/03/2017 13:30

P.s. If your birthday is overridden normally because of a clash, I would suggest an 'honourary' birthday for you on an alternative date & that's the day you are spoiled.

beautifuldaytosavelives · 15/03/2017 13:33

I have an early December birthday and although I don't share it with anyone, it's generally treated as a bit of an inconvenience as the weekend of it always clashes with the 'getting the tree' weekend. It makes me sad, so I feel sorry for you that you have to share your birthday and get forgotten. It's a pity that you couldn't be the focus for one day here. However, Mother's Day is a balancing act when there's generations of mothers to please. I think your DH should treat you to something lovely the next weekend. Try and enjoy it anyway x

GabsAlot · 15/03/2017 13:36

i hate these made up days we'e all suppose to abide by

its not religious it doest mean anything-but if u do celebrate you shoudlnt be hosting-he should

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