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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dds friend not coming to school as mum is ill..

101 replies

sherazade · 15/03/2017 09:33

This is more of a wwyd than an Aibu, although I wonder if aibu to be worried about dds best friend and her mum.
Just going to give some background info to give a fuller picture- sorry if you think some details are irrelevant but don't want to have to drip feed later.
I've always been a bit concerned/ wary of dds friendship with anther girl at school. They both started in y4 and are best friends, inseparable , almost. I don't have a problem with the girl, she seems lovely as does her mum, really chatty and always making an effort to do things for the girls . However I noticed that her mum didn't have a mobile phone and whenever we arranged activities for the girls i always had to ring her dad to speak to her mum which I thought was weird . Every time I asked for her number she'd make excuses like I've forgotten it, broke my phone , sim not working , etc which was quite frustrating as I needed her direct number for when dd was over and it was annoying to ring her dad who wasn't always with them . Very recently she admitted to me she never had a phone and only just got her own and that her partner was quite controlling .
The bf also mentioned once to me when on a play date ' we only go to the supermarket when my dads around because he keeps all the money ' as well as 'my dad keeps cameras around the house ' ( she's very talkative and just said it randomly)
I was still despite thinking they were a bit weird perfectly fine with this friendship until one day dd came home and said 'bf dad is voting to leave because they want the immigrants out and there are too many foreigners here. Bf doesn't agree with her mum and dad. They're not racist they're just worried about jobs etc'. This raised concern for me because dds dad is a migrant , and dd is not white but olive skinned like her dad. I tried not to look into it so much but then again dd mentioned that her bf dad really liked trump etc . To be honest I startedto worry about dd going over there in case the anti immigrant sentiment ever became directed to her .
A few weeks ago I saw bf mum on the school run and she told me she'd been really unwell and might ask me to take her kids to school for her ( she has four children one with severe SN and always seems to be doing a lot ) I immediately said that would be fine please let me know .
The following Monday I rang her on her phone to ask if she was better and if she wanted me to pick up the kids for her. Her partner answered in an abrupt manner and said she was in hospital and ill . I was shocked so asked him what had happened but he wouldn't say just said everything's fine ,she's fine . I asked if they needed help with getting the kids to and fro school (I have a car, they don't and it's on my way ) and he said ' no it's all sorted'.
It turned out the kids had not been to school that day as dd told me when I picked her up that her bf had been absent.
Bf and her little brother did not turn up to school for the rest of the week.
When bf returned to school the following week she told dd ' we were at home the whole week because our mum was ill and we had nobody to take us. My dad had to watch my mum in hospital'.
I have no idea if the school are aware.
I'm annoyed that I offered to take them and the dad said everything was sorted.
I'm also slightly worried that they were ok with their kids being off for a whole week.
Wwyd?

OP posts:
Original poster
sherazade · 15/03/2017 17:28

I never suspected she might not be ill.
I knew she was ill, she said so and looked ill
She said she may contact me for lifts
On Monday I rang to double check if she needed lifts and her partner said she was ill in hospital but wouldn't say why , and that the lifts were all sorted .

OP posts:
Doowappydoo · 15/03/2017 17:32

I don't think anyone thought the mum wasn't ill - the OP was very clear

mummytime · 15/03/2017 17:37

You do seem to assume the eyebrow comment is racist - but I've heard similar comments between my DDs. Depending on how old the older sister is she could be under a lot of pressure to conform to "stereotypical" images of beauty.
One of my DD had to put up with a lot of comments about how she should straighten her hair - it's not racist, she is white, just part of the rubbish young girls are bombarded with.
If you are worried about the girl - then I would talk to school. (Personally I would talk to school, and I would be concerned.)

As for the rest: it would be sad to leave this little girl even more isolated. It is very hard to break up children's friendships; and personally I would never do so.
Unfortunately you will not be able to 100% protect your DD from racism or sexism - you can only help her feel strong in herself.

MrsJayy · 15/03/2017 17:43

I dont think the eyebrow comment was racist snidey yes but not racist

merrymouse · 15/03/2017 17:47

Agree with mumw, contact the school. You don't have to 'play Miss Marple'. All you need to do is tell them things that are worrying you, and they can then decide what to do.

sashh · 15/03/2017 17:47

I have an inkling that although her parents don't like immigrants they've accepted the friendship because as the mum has told me her dd has always struggled to make friends and my dd has made her love her new school , made her more confident and happy etc.

They probably don't see your dd as an immigrant. I had a teenage students say she was voting out 'to gid rid of all the foreigners', she was mixed race herself, best friends with an Irish girl and a boy fro Zimbabwe, it didn't occur to her that these friends were 'foreign', the 'forrins' she wanted to get rid of are white and speak Polish.

The other things though - do contact school, he sounds abusive and the bottom line is children missed a week of school they didn't need to.

Original poster
sherazade · 15/03/2017 20:48

The child with the severe SEN goes to a special school which has its own transport. She gets picked up and dropped off by them.

I have spoken to the school safeguarding officer as I feel comfortable with her- just had a quiet word. I have to say , it seems like she already knew about the situation. What was odd was that she asked me a few times 'does the dad live with them then?'
I thought this really odd - he lives with them for sure. Answers the door when dd is there, and I remember the mum saying she was tired because of him snoring or something (lightheartedly - I was saying I hadn't slept properly because my ds is a really poor sleeper as a baby and she was empathising ).

OP posts:
springflowers11 · 15/03/2017 21:12

What was odd was that she asked me a few times 'does the dad live with them then?'
is ithat standard procedure?

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 15/03/2017 21:31

I think you have done the right thing reporting
I also think you are right to be wary of your child being in this environment and stand your guns

Good for you for reporting this - really it's very fishy isn't it ?

I think to have less play dates on your turf is wise and I am pleased you are looking out for this woman and her kids

user1489522078 · 16/03/2017 03:50

I guess I should expect SS round then....

I have no mobile, my husband carries the money, we have security cameras inside and out (all of which I have sensible reasons for that I would never think to share with anyone as it is not their business) and worst of all I voted Brexit.

Original poster
sherazade · 16/03/2017 06:03

@user1489522078
Atleast you have access to the internet so you can come and tell us that on here.
This lady doesn't even have wifi/broadband or a landline let alone a laptop or mobile with which to come and share sarcasm with .
Nobody suggested calling ss on those basis.
I spoke to the attendance / safeguarding officer about the fact that the kids were of school for a week despite my having offered (and the mum having tried to arrange it with me which may have happened had her partner not taken her phone ) to do the lifts and despite the fact they live down the road .
I didn't mention their political views of course !

OP posts:
TizzyDongue · 16/03/2017 06:39

I'm pretty sure user1489522078 is stirring - don't waste your time with them sherazade.

You've taken action, so there's not too much else you can do now.

As for your reasons for it being difficult for the daughter to mostly come to your house, this all stands both ways surely? If you live far away but have to drop her off as they have no car then you'd need to collect your daughter from there anyway.

The monobrow comment may or may not be racist. You could assume it isn't as it wasn't accompanied by anything that suggested a monobrow is connected to her race. But then again you can't rule it out as a racist comment.

Original poster
sherazade · 16/03/2017 06:48

@TizzyDongue
Dds father lives down the road from them so when she has played there , he's been able to pick her up and it's made things a little easier but yes since I've moved away it's hard both ways .
When we lived closer it was easier all round but now the onus is on me to do the driving round.
I've made the decision anyway not to let dd round there at all. There are a few other niggles I've been thinking about and I'm not happy.

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 16/03/2017 06:57

You were right to raise it to school. Ill, not.acxpeting help, no OPTION to have a phone, no option to carry money and shopping trils depend on dads say so. I'd imagine the school have already noticed other patterns if theres an issue.

When we work with kids things like that get passed as a concern. No judgement or investigation (e.g. we's never write dad is controlling) just 'this might form part of a bigger picture'.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 16/03/2017 06:59

Glad you've talked to the school. That's a proportionate response to things that sound worrying but may or may not be ok.

NotYoda · 16/03/2017 07:07

Good that you've spoken to the school CPO.

NotYoda · 16/03/2017 07:08

Some people on this thread are very defensive

KingLooieCatz · 16/03/2017 07:09

I've had a word with Miss Marple and she reckons best case the Dad is not officially there for benefits purposes, worst case, SS have been involved before and the Mum promised not to have him back. She also wonders if Dad behaves better when there is asn outsider in the house, hence Mum is keen for playdates at her house.

Alternatively, all a storm in a tea cup. Let's hope so.

Xenophile · 16/03/2017 07:16

You did the right thing.

If there's nothing to this, then nothing will happen.

Devilishpyjamas · 16/03/2017 07:16

Just one thought - I know someone who is convinced her husband had cameras all around the house - he didn't - she was delusional (and very sane and apparently 'normal' when it talking about her delusional topics).

I'd mention it to the school because of the non-attendance after you offered a lift but it may be that dad isn't the bad guy or the story isn't quite what it seems.

Dumbo412 · 16/03/2017 07:35

OP- please don't try to end the friendship between this child and yours.
That's incredibly unkind, by all means, try to incorporate other friendships, make plans for the kids at your house,take them to the cinemas... anywhere that means your DD isn't in that atmosphere, I can understand you wanting to protect her from that.

My DD has been in friendships with children who's home lives aren't great, but they have always been welcome at ours for get togethers etc. I would like to think that I've had a good enough relationship with DDs friends that they would turn to me if they didn't feel they could go to their parents.
These children need extra support, not alienation.

I could have been that child when I was growing up. Our home life was awful. There were a lot of children who weren't my friend because of that, some people just knew of my family, others came to my house and decided they weren't my friend anymore. I couldn't understand it. And it actually meant that I was not only going through abuse at home, but I was also very lonely at school.

Maybe if I had friends who's parents were a bit like I am with DDs friends, things would have been different.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/03/2017 09:16

Yes i think user is stirring. It seems like there are already issues with this family, from what op has said, might be part of a jigsaw to a much bigger picture. Still have some playdates at your home, poor girl.

Original poster
sherazade · 16/03/2017 09:23

When the bf is over she does talk incessantly about how her mum and dad spoil her, let her have whatever she chooses, never say no to her and let her have her way and her mum often repeats 'we've got to let bf have her way in our house or else!'. I wonder if it's a front for something.

OP posts:
TheRealPooTroll · 16/03/2017 09:42

I wouldn't have had my child go.round there again after I heard about the dad having cameras everywhere tbh.

bluebell34567 · 16/03/2017 10:07

is the bf making up stories?
sometimes children her age do that.

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