Dds friend not coming to school as mum is ill..

[sherazade]

This is more of a wwyd than an Aibu, although I wonder if aibu to be worried about dds best friend and her mum.
Just going to give some background info to give a fuller picture- sorry if you think some details are irrelevant but don't want to have to drip feed later.
I've always been a bit concerned/ wary of dds friendship with anther girl at school. They both started in y4 and are best friends, inseparable , almost. I don't have a problem with the girl, she seems lovely as does her mum, really chatty and always making an effort to do things for the girls . However I noticed that her mum didn't have a mobile phone and whenever we arranged activities for the girls i always had to ring her dad to speak to her mum which I thought was weird . Every time I asked for her number she'd make excuses like I've forgotten it, broke my phone , sim not working , etc which was quite frustrating as I needed her direct number for when dd was over and it was annoying to ring her dad who wasn't always with them . Very recently she admitted to me she never had a phone and only just got her own and that her partner was quite controlling .
The bf also mentioned once to me when on a play date ' we only go to the supermarket when my dads around because he keeps all the money ' as well as 'my dad keeps cameras around the house ' ( she's very talkative and just said it randomly)
I was still despite thinking they were a bit weird perfectly fine with this friendship until one day dd came home and said 'bf dad is voting to leave because they want the immigrants out and there are too many foreigners here. Bf doesn't agree with her mum and dad. They're not racist they're just worried about jobs etc'. This raised concern for me because dds dad is a migrant , and dd is not white but olive skinned like her dad. I tried not to look into it so much but then again dd mentioned that her bf dad really liked trump etc . To be honest I startedto worry about dd going over there in case the anti immigrant sentiment ever became directed to her .
A few weeks ago I saw bf mum on the school run and she told me she'd been really unwell and might ask me to take her kids to school for her ( she has four children one with severe SN and always seems to be doing a lot ) I immediately said that would be fine please let me know .
The following Monday I rang her on her phone to ask if she was better and if she wanted me to pick up the kids for her. Her partner answered in an abrupt manner and said she was in hospital and ill . I was shocked so asked him what had happened but he wouldn't say just said everything's fine ,she's fine . I asked if they needed help with getting the kids to and fro school (I have a car, they don't and it's on my way ) and he said ' no it's all sorted'.
It turned out the kids had not been to school that day as dd told me when I picked her up that her bf had been absent.
Bf and her little brother did not turn up to school for the rest of the week.
When bf returned to school the following week she told dd ' we were at home the whole week because our mum was ill and we had nobody to take us. My dad had to watch my mum in hospital'.
I have no idea if the school are aware.
I'm annoyed that I offered to take them and the dad said everything was sorted.
I'm also slightly worried that they were ok with their kids being off for a whole week.
Wwyd?

I wouldn't want my DD going to a house with a racist controlling man who keeps his family under video surveillance.

Call me a snob too if you like.

@SantasLittleMonkeyButler it didn't occur to me that she was in hospital due to him and I doubt it was he case because the Friday before she told me she was feeling unwell and she looked a bit feverish/flushed like she had the flu.

Social services might not know if he has kept the kids off school to make sure no one finds out, and made their mum lie about it. If they were involved already the kids would have been in school I would have thought.

Hopefully now the school will call them.

Maybe it's not due to him that she is in hospital, but with her in hospital and the kids being off school, it's best that school are aware, and especially as he has lied to school already.

@MrsTwix
I was starting to wonder if the right of a lonely white girl to have a nice friend trumped the right of an immigrant child to be shielded from potential racial abuse.
As I've not seen/ heard any actual evidence of racism I've allowed dd over there but I've been wary.
Her dd wants my dd over there all the time for activities which is why I've tried to branch them out or atleast play with other friends as part of their little group .

Except they've clearly accepted the friendship - you said as much yourself. If older sister is being a bitch when DD visits speak to mom or insist they play at yours. We teach tolerance by practising it all the friend is less likely to be racist growing up with a best friend of mixed heritage. There's no basis for the "oh we're not good enough for them" unless you think dad's refusal of offer was a direct comment on your family and as the kids are friends, I'd guess ot

I would contact th school and let them know. I would mention the comments about cameras in the house and daddy being the only with money etc...
Then leave the school to it. They will have a pretty good idea on how to handle it.
E.g. Not seeing any of the dcs for the whole week will have raised alarm bells for them already.

Then I would keep an deye on the mum and that little girl.
I would let your dd carry on playing with her friend, do the play date etc... whilst being ready to act if there is any sign of over racism or bullying.
I suspect that the mum needs help. Being able to offer that will already make a big difference.

There's no basis but it's not very nice for your child to come home asking if immigrants are taking people's jobs when they are the child of that very same immigrant people are so terrified of.
I wear a headscarf as I'm Muslim although I am white Arab but born and raised here with a local accent. I'm used to people taking a second glance though and assuming all sorts of bad things about me which is a whole other story.

It's great that they are friends and I hope it doesn't ever become a problem. However just because they accept her doesn't mean she might not hear stuff that isn't nice. I've been amazed by people who say racist stuff, and then turn to the one non white person in the group of friends and say "oh, we didn't mean you, you are not like the rest of them!"

It's sensible to be wary.

@GreenPeppers thanks that was a very helpful post

Posting at the same time.

I hate to make assumptions but maybe it's your headscarf that made him turn down your offer of taking the children to school

they've clearly accepted the friendship

There are lots of people who accept an individual non-white child or adult into their family or friendship circle under their own terms. This doesn't prevent them from making racist comments:

Oh all X's are lazy/violent/secretive. Not you of course.

Oh you'd be really pretty if you straightened your hair/didn't put it in Afro plaits/had less of that Middle Eastern facial hair (which has ACTUALLY BEEN SAID).

OP i was like your DD at school. Was friends with a girl who's sister made horrible racist comments to me. The dad was very racist too although not to me. When we got to secondary school she no longer talked me and found friends more like her sister.
Anyway i think you need to contact the school and also encourage your daughter to play with other children as well as this girl.

Re the 'you've only got the child's word' posts, surely it's always best to err on the side of caution and look to protect the child, in case anything is wrong? Surely we've had enough instances of children being badly treated now for the default position to be that you believe what they say? The 'not allowed to have a phone' and 'dad keeps all the money' statements ring alarm bells. Definitely speak to the school, and I would also be looking at what you can do if you suspect DV or coercive control is happening in a relationship.

I would let the girls maintain their friendship, but talk to your DD separately about how to handle people who are racist. Sadly it won't be the last time she encounters it so she needs to be prepared for it in general terms.

Thanks @Butterymuffin
I did tell dd her eyebrows are gorgeous and she was thrilled when I showed her cara delevgines brows and how en vogue they are

Well said, @drspouse

OP if in your heart you feel things are not right you should talk to the school and social services. You do not have the right to be updated but they will listen. The setup sounds weird ( cameras, money, phone) and the missing school is odd too. We should all look out for each other and you sound like a kind person.
I once reported something my DS told me about a friend who " never had any food in the house" the SS were grateful and told me to call if I heard anything else.

No one is saying send DD there. If you don't feel she's safe physically or mentally then that's your call. I don't think it's fair on the friend who seemingly hasn't said or done anything wrong to not be good enough for your daughter cos her Dad is a shit

No one is saying the friend is not good enough.

By the sound of things the mother doesn't have any issues with you. She certainly doesn't have any with your daughter. The issues seem to stem from the friends father. Many (ignorant folk) hold views that British jobs are being taken from British people. That's a whole other discussion. The fact that its filtering down through to the next generation (older child) would concern me. Yes, children nit pick with each other, but, it wasn't just dig at eyebrows...it was a racial dig.

The friend of your daughter has done no wrong. She doesn't get to choose whom she's born to.

If there is any way of having the friend over to yours more often then I'd do that.

The camera's around the house? Seems rather bizarre...are they recording?

This is a very worrying and concerning situation, you need to go to the school with your concerns as well as call SS. The father sound extremely abusive and controlling, and has kept them hostage at times. I would also phone 101 to relay your concerns too.

Mmm the only thing that would concern me regarding your dd would be her hearing racist views.

You can't go to the school concerning the person finances and lack of mobile of another family. That's ridiculous and none of your business. If the mother was turning up bruised etc that's different. Trump and Brexit totally irrelevant and again not your business.

My dd was told she had a monobrow by her friends aged 9 and we are white British. That's quite commen in school and nothing to do specifically with your dd being non white. Just tell your dd strategies to deal with such comments.

Personally I would cut down on the after school/weekend meet ups, stop trying to encourage your dd to make more friends as that will just annoy her. She will move on in her own time and keep a look out and deal with any specific racist comments.

Kids off school is the concern of the schoool again not yours. That would have been chased up.

The comment about dds brows was passed on from the older sister to my dd through the bf who said 'my sister said m's monobrow needs sorting out'. As was the message about the immigrants taking people's jobs.
On this basis I felt it was healthier for dd to mix with other children as well as her bf who by no means I wanted cutting off .

Call SS about what exactly??? He likes Trump and voted for Brexit? We have security cameras and dh ususaloy has more cash on him than me. I have destroyed 3 mobile phones in a year! My kids have been kept off due to family illness.

He's a racist twat so are millions of idiots and SS can't sort that. Ffs

I wonder whether the father stayed with the mum in hospital because he was worried about her revealing anything about his behaviour, to the hospital staff.