Dds friend not coming to school as mum is ill..

[sherazade]

This is more of a wwyd than an Aibu, although I wonder if aibu to be worried about dds best friend and her mum.
Just going to give some background info to give a fuller picture- sorry if you think some details are irrelevant but don't want to have to drip feed later.
I've always been a bit concerned/ wary of dds friendship with anther girl at school. They both started in y4 and are best friends, inseparable , almost. I don't have a problem with the girl, she seems lovely as does her mum, really chatty and always making an effort to do things for the girls . However I noticed that her mum didn't have a mobile phone and whenever we arranged activities for the girls i always had to ring her dad to speak to her mum which I thought was weird . Every time I asked for her number she'd make excuses like I've forgotten it, broke my phone , sim not working , etc which was quite frustrating as I needed her direct number for when dd was over and it was annoying to ring her dad who wasn't always with them . Very recently she admitted to me she never had a phone and only just got her own and that her partner was quite controlling .
The bf also mentioned once to me when on a play date ' we only go to the supermarket when my dads around because he keeps all the money ' as well as 'my dad keeps cameras around the house ' ( she's very talkative and just said it randomly)
I was still despite thinking they were a bit weird perfectly fine with this friendship until one day dd came home and said 'bf dad is voting to leave because they want the immigrants out and there are too many foreigners here. Bf doesn't agree with her mum and dad. They're not racist they're just worried about jobs etc'. This raised concern for me because dds dad is a migrant , and dd is not white but olive skinned like her dad. I tried not to look into it so much but then again dd mentioned that her bf dad really liked trump etc . To be honest I startedto worry about dd going over there in case the anti immigrant sentiment ever became directed to her .
A few weeks ago I saw bf mum on the school run and she told me she'd been really unwell and might ask me to take her kids to school for her ( she has four children one with severe SN and always seems to be doing a lot ) I immediately said that would be fine please let me know .
The following Monday I rang her on her phone to ask if she was better and if she wanted me to pick up the kids for her. Her partner answered in an abrupt manner and said she was in hospital and ill . I was shocked so asked him what had happened but he wouldn't say just said everything's fine ,she's fine . I asked if they needed help with getting the kids to and fro school (I have a car, they don't and it's on my way ) and he said ' no it's all sorted'.
It turned out the kids had not been to school that day as dd told me when I picked her up that her bf had been absent.
Bf and her little brother did not turn up to school for the rest of the week.
When bf returned to school the following week she told dd ' we were at home the whole week because our mum was ill and we had nobody to take us. My dad had to watch my mum in hospital'.
I have no idea if the school are aware.
I'm annoyed that I offered to take them and the dad said everything was sorted.
I'm also slightly worried that they were ok with their kids being off for a whole week.
Wwyd?

[sherazade]

@Doyouwantabrew
Of course how they vote isn't my business.
Telling their dd that immigrants need to be sent out isn't my business either , until that message got relayed to my dd , who wouldn't be here if their way of thinking gets pushed through .

[chloesmumtoo]

Butterymuffin was that me? I don't mean not to believe what a child says ever so that has come out wrong but I did not see enough for me to say I would report to SS with some of the reasons used. I did not read the mum was not allowed a phone, I just read she did not have one.
I also felt, I don't like answering phones and have some anxiety and go shopping with my partner and he carries the money, although it is classed as both of ours. These things made me think it is not always how it looks from the outside to judge on these things alone. Maybe my own circumstances cloud things.
However the camera thing is weird and I think I was thinking the girl was younger and how they say funny things, until re reading year 4, sort of imagining her father being a security guard or something with lots of surveillance tvs.
On any scale I do not believe there is any harm at all chatting to school at anytime about any concerns parents have. So with how strongly sherazade feels I think she should do that. That is what they are there for and have the correct proceedures to follow.
I felt the post was a bit side lined as in the children not attending school and an offer of helping out was not taken up when it is their own business how they deal with things.
Sherazade said I have no idea if the school are aware.
I'm annoyed that I offered to take them and the dad said everything was sorted.
I'm also slightly worried that they were ok with their kids being off for a whole week.
Wwyd?
I personally think it is their business and schools how attendance is delt with, it sounds more like you wanted to tell school about the circumstance of absence rather than anything else. I also think politics were an issue in this post also which has nothing to do with the welfare of this family.

[MrsWombat]

Call the school. Tell them what your DD and the best friend have said about keeping them off school for the week because there was no one to take them as mum was in hospital. Also mention the possibility of her not being allowed a phone, the dad keeping the money, and the cameras. It might be something or nothing, but I'm guessing the school will already have concerns due to them being off for a whole week (if they haven't already) and it might help them with a bit more information. Leave out the immigration stuff for now.

[Butterymuffin]

doyouwant It's not calling about their finances or lack of mobile. You've misrepresented things there. It's about the mum not being allowed a mobile or access to money. Very different. Agree that their political views can't be part of it. But there are concerns here and folk saying 'I don't like to carry money, sometimes my phone's not been working' are being wilfully blind to something a child is bringing to a trusted adult's attention. I don't give a shit about being thought interfering. Better safe than sorry.

[Doowappydoo]

Echo what others are saying about speaking to the school in the first instance - I would ask to speak to the Head, if it's all fine then no harm done but there is a child safeguarding "something isn't right' campaign running at the moment and I think this is what you feel.
It's not a crime to vote leave or admire Trump - plenty of people do but it's about protecting your own DD and you are right to be concerned about placing her in an environment where she might be exposed to racist views and left feeling vulnerable. I dont think you're being snobby at all I would continue to try and encourage other friendships anyway -because the BFF thing is not always a great idea at this age and I probably would be reluctant to let her go and play a lot.

[alltouchedout]

If you are concerned, report.
I cannot abide people saying otherwise.

[Butterymuffin]

chloe I think that was you and possibly another poster, yes. I feel that on balance if it's a choice between saying something that might help a mum and/or children who are being badly treated, and being judgemental or interfering, then I'll take the risk of looking bad myself because I would rather that than someone continues to be harmed when it could be stopped.

I believe OPwas eventually told by the mum, after lots of excuses, that she was not allowed to have a phone. Maybe OP can confirm? I'll go back and reread. That is not on and is a sign of something amiss, whereas if you choose not to carry a phone that's a different matter.

[cordeliavorkosigan]

let the school and maybe social services know. it's not necessarily any one thing -- to me, it's the combination of: (1) daddy has the only money (big red flag); (2) no mobile - maybe no access to communication (big red flag); (3) daddy has cameras all over (not just security at the door but monitoring in the home?) (4) mysterious illness requiring hospitalisation (5) all dc missing a lot of school, despite offers of help. All together this doesn't look like a good picture at all. When neglect/abuse are missed it's sometimes because people don't put the whole picture together. why contribute to that when a 10 min chat at the school / 1 phone call could help put the pieces together?
(of course their political views may be unpleasant but aren't the school's or social services' concern, and probably will not be too relevant to your dd playing with her friend there. i'd be concerned though, if I were you, and might try setting up dd in some other activities so she's just not free every day after school to be asked over).

[gillybeanz]

Contact the school, the staying off all week, the cameras and money are the worrying parts.
Whilst most might not agree with their beliefs there's not much you can do about that.

[Doyouwantabrew]

Butter that's still no business if the school even if it was true and there's no evidence that it is! All conjecture and hearsay.

Sherezade yes I ageee as I posted the racist comments are nasty and need addressing which you might want to do with mum and of course keep telling your dd isn't utter rubbbish.

Just flabbergasted that posters really think that SS need to be told that 'daddy has all the money' sort of ironic comment my dh would say and that mum doesn't have a mobile phone? It's not the law to have one some people don't by choice.

I can't see any safeguarding issue here at all in abuse either sexual, physical emotional or neglect which constitutes safeguarding concerns.

The mum has raised none concerning her dh. Presumably the school dealt with the absence?

He sounds a racist twat. Again SS can't sort that out.

[Doyouwantabrew]

gilly we have 'cameras all over the house' for security and from my childminding days.

Goodness me the collective hysteria on this thread is staggering.

[Falafelings]

Could you ring the hospital and chat to the mum?

Also safe guarding at school

[gillybeanz]

I understand the cameras could be legit, but as the dh was described as controlling might mean something else.

I don't think it's hysteria to inform the school of the OP's concerns, in case their is something untowards happening.

[Doyouwantabrew]

Desribaef as controlling by who though?? Posters on here?

Fala ring the hospital and say what exactly? Do you think they should tell the op what was wrong with the mum? Really seriously

[jellyrolly]

Could you visit her in hospital as a friend? If she is in hospital any safeguarding issues may have been picked up there. In my safeguarding training we were told it is the most common reaction to minimise possible threat because we simply don't want to believe it. Unless you are absolutely sure you can trust the relevant staff at school I would be wary of saying anything to them. In my experience staff can be every bit as racist and trouble-making as the next person.

[Doowappydoo]

I'm not hysterical at all but I think there is enough in what the OP has said to warrant a 10 min conversation with the school. The children have been away for a week, the child has said it's because they had no one to take them when the OP had offered and the Mum has been in hospital with an unknown illness. There is also a background where the OP has been told that the DH is controlling, lack of phone, money and reference to cameras. It may well be nothing - all of those things could have a perfectly reasonable explanation but maybe not. If I was the OP I would say something.

[Doowappydoo]

Doyouwantabrew in the OP
very recently she admitted to me that she had only just got a phone and her partner was quite controlling

[Doyouwantabrew]

Mmm yes I see that but to just go to SS or the school with that little first snippet of info would, in my view, be completely OTT.

if the op wants to help the mum then by all means be a safe sounding board and start to show her she is listening but going behind her back will probably achieve nothing as the friend may well deny anything is wrong and a controlling man/woman can still be a good parent.

Look there's a thread today where a bloke is going out on his birthday with mates and not the op his wife.
Half the posters are calling her controlling as she wants him to go with her!

Controlling is a very very difficult situation to call and I can't see the op has any reason with the info she has to involve SS or the school.

She can by all means be a friend and of course watch for the racist comments but nothing else at this stage in my opinion.

[MrsJayy]

The family sound a bit odd but if the dad is controling it probably explains why they are odd. Speak to a teacher about the time she wasoff, the mum is probably glad about a bit of normality when your Dd is over but you don't need your Dd to be some kind of buffer in the family the girls can be friends at school maybe visit each other twice a month outside school but it is really up to you whos house your child visits,

[MumW]

I had a similar issue and ended up calling the school saying "It might be nothing or it might something but I feel I neeed to raise some comcerns with someone just in case" You won't hear anything from the school one way or the other but it could just be another tiny piece of a jigsaw that builds a picture that you would hate to ignore or it could just turn out to be a misunderstanding, in which case no harm done.

[Aeroflotgirl]

I totally agree MumW, any little concern is better in the open, than not. It may be part of a big picture.

[greeeen]

Agree with MumW.

[Owllady]

If the kids aren't going to school, school will soon pick this up anyway, especially if the one has severe sn
Mum might have had a hysterectomy or something personal, hence why you've not been told.

[sherazade]

Maybe I didn't make it clear enough - on the Friday the mum said she felt she was coming up with something and that she might need help with lifts ( and looked flushed and tired) and on the Monday she was off . Dd told me today that her bf mum has had a 'bacterial thingy'.

[Doyouwantabrew]

So she was ill! She went to hospital and probably dad was very concerned and the school were fully aware of the situation. You cabr keep kids off for a week without the school calling.

I totally get your concerns op regarding the racist comments but you and I think others here are starting to do a miss marple and looking for things that arnt there.

If the mum wants you to know her medical problems she will tell you.