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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend asking for money

81 replies

fuckoffdailysnail · 15/03/2017 07:32

This could be identifying so changed a couple of details but the main facts remain the same. I have a good friend, we have known eachother since primary school so about 22 years now! We have have 2 children at the same ages. She is always short on money, her and her partner are in low paid jobs so when she asks I always help her out with the odd £10 for bread and milk etc and it's never been a problem.
Yesterday she rang me in tears asking me to lend her £20 for some bread, milk, yoghurts etc for her DC and she would pay me back next week. I explained I was at work but could transfer the money when I get home as I didn't have my card reader thing with me, or she could ask someone else and I could then send the money to them and she could pay it back to me iyswim?
Friend didn't like this said I'm being tight and letting her kids starve and slammed the phone down. About an hour later a mutual friend emailed me to say she had also been asked to lend money but refused because friend had been on a night out over the weekend and spent £150! I didn't know about the night out or how she could have spent that much!
So who is being unreasonable? I had no way of transferring her any money until I got home but would have sent the money to someone else if they'd given her it. I'm now unsure about lending her money if she is spending excessive amounts on nights out but has nothing for her DCs lunches.
We've been friends so long and she's always paid me back promptly so not sure what to think
Sorry this is long

OP posts:
SaorAlbaGuBrath · 15/03/2017 08:00

You're letting her kids starve? My response would have been to tell her to fuck right off after that I'm afraid. It's not your responsibility to feed her kids, you were lending money out of kindness.

acatcalledjohn · 15/03/2017 08:07

She is no friend, and I highly doubt the money you give her goes on basic foodstuffs.

And from what you have written I get the distinct impression she doesn't always pay you back.

She is manipulative. After all, somehow you seem to now feel guilty for not giving her money despite having found it she spent £150 on unnecessary shit at the weekend.

As someone above said: Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Don't ever give her money again.

pinkdelight · 15/03/2017 08:08

If she can afford £150 for a night out she could afford to put a bit away so it doesn't keep reaching the stage of no money for bread and milk. A value loaf in the freezer is what she needs. And some manners. YANBU to stop lending her money, but YA a bit U for even doubting yourself.

DevelopingDetritus · 15/03/2017 08:09

CUTE HER OFF FOR GOOD! Seriously, these type of threads make me fume, can't stand people taking advantage of others.
This is NOT what friendship is.

redfairy · 15/03/2017 08:09

There would be no more loans from me after that rude response. She is obviously feeling entitled to regular loans from you now and that's not a friendship in my book.

DavetheCat2001 · 15/03/2017 08:13

I'd take that as a full stop to the relationship tbh.

I wouldn't bother contacting her again ever, and if she ever comes back with her tail between her legs for more loans, I'd tell her in no uncertain terms to fuck right off.

QueenofPentacles · 15/03/2017 08:17

Oh no that' awful! What is more, I have been dunned more times than I can mention. You sound kind and helpful and sometimes this is a red rag to the wrong person.
I am not at all wealthy( hahahaha!)
Nevertheless when my friend had her baby I was always buying her milk and bread, batteries, whatever she needed. Then she would 'forget' to pay me back. On one occasion she asked me to get some things for lunch for us( instead of supplying it). I got bacon, and tomatoes, bread etc. When I got home again, she hadn't put the rest of the bacon in my back, just kept it.
Also when I put the things in her fridge, there was a massive cake from Waitrose and a lovely looking meal... she HAD been shopping..GROAN.
Never bought me a coffee in her life.
We are not friends any more since she ended up insulting me....because basically they are taking the piss, love. Taking the piss.

MrsTwix · 15/03/2017 08:21

I was about to post exactly what Shatnerswig said.

She spent vast amounts of money on a night out, and accused you of starving her children when you tried to give her money but couldn't be immediate.

Personally I'd call social services. She is either totally irresponsible or quite likely on drugs.

dowhatnow · 15/03/2017 08:26

"I was happy to loan you money but I'm horrified by your reaction when I wasn't able to" then wait to see what she says. If she's very apologetic I might continue to be friends with her and put it down to a one off stress moment. If she's not able to see why I was pissed off then that would be it.
I'd also use it as an excuse to stop loaning money from now on. If she always pays it back then it's a budgeting and priority issue, rather than she can't afford it. Tell her that too.

Wannabehermit · 15/03/2017 08:26

Rather than just say no your mutual friend emailed you to let you know she'd also said no. She did this either to give you support because she knew you'd said no and been bitched at and wanted you to feel better about saying no, or, because she knew you'd be next in line for the begging phonecall because you're the sort of kind person who is taken advantage of.

So no You are not unreasonable

Pinbasket · 15/03/2017 08:32

Yanbu- she was rude to kick off because you weren't able to immediately transfer the money. It sounds as though she thought you were refusing to lend the money to at all, which perhaps would explain why she said what she did. It still makes her rude though.

However, you're very long standing friends, and I really don't think this one off minor incident warrants ending the friendship! No one's perfect, and friendships sometimes reflect this too. She needs to apologise to you, and then you can both move on (preferably over a bottle glass of wine).

Also, I think it's unreasonable for people here to get all judgy about what she spent on a night out recently (even if it's true in the first place). The fact that she always pays you back what you've lent her makes her other spending irrelevant.

RB68 · 15/03/2017 08:36

I would suspect drugs with that reaction if I am honest, completely unreasonable given that you had no way to get it to her and were only asking her to wait a short while

Onthecouchagain · 15/03/2017 08:39

Of course your not unreasonable, you've been a very good friend.

But I'd ignore the gossip about nights out

MrsTwix · 15/03/2017 08:41

I don't think it's unreasonable to be judgy about someone not having any money to feed their child when they pissed it up the wall.

Call me old fashioned or judgy, but that's crap parenting.

londonrach · 15/03/2017 08:42

Her response to your very reasonable im at work ill do it later....no way vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv rude and no way would i lend again. Ill distance myself. Shes a user.

Shematt · 15/03/2017 08:42

That woman needs to learn how to budget. When she contacts you again, you need to remind her just how ghastly she was to you, when you were trying to think of a way to help her. To say that you were the one responsible for 'letting her children starve' is quite unforgivable, and she needs to know it.

MrsTwix · 15/03/2017 08:42

RB68 massive red flag for me too.

londonrach · 15/03/2017 08:43

Rb68 me too as which normal person would be that rude

joystir59 · 15/03/2017 08:43

You've been friends for a long time, so I assume you know her well OP. Is this behaviour out of character? Do you think she has a problem with drugs or alcohol? If that was a close friend of mine I would ring her and find out what's going on for her to react the way she did.

Emmageddon · 15/03/2017 08:55

Could be an underlying problem with alcohol or drugs, but even so, her reaction was uncalled for. I would withdraw any further offers of financial help from this day on. Does she have family around her who can keep an eye on her DC's welfare?

EssentialHummus · 15/03/2017 08:56

I would suspect drugs with that reaction if I am honest, completely unreasonable given that you had no way to get it to her and were only asking her to wait a short while

Yup. At most I'd mumble something about Nectar points and drop off some bread, milk and yoghurt that evening, if I thought there was a risk her little ones were genuinely hungry.

evensmilingmakesmyfacehurt · 15/03/2017 09:00

YADNBU

As others have said, she is the parent and she is responsible for feeding her kids. Not you.

I would lend a friend the odd £10 if they were short as well but I wouldn't be doing it on a regular basis either.

Seems she needs to concentrate on her budgeting and not going out spending £150 then asking you for money

Roomster101 · 15/03/2017 09:02

£150 seems a lot for a night out if she is on a low income and can't afford to feed her children without borrowing money. I'd suspect drugs too.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/03/2017 09:11

I woulden't lend after that reaction, I would question her about the night out.

LostGarden · 15/03/2017 09:19

A close relative of mine regularly asked for loans of small sums of money. Often they'd be desperate, sobbing, no food in the house and so on.

I lent it because I hated seeing him in this state. I rarely got the money back either!

Eventually he told me he was a heroin addict, hence the escalating desperation. He's now having treatment and while I help him manage his money I don't lend it.

I feel sick to know that I was helping fund his habit for a couple of years though. Even the times I did a shop for him just freed up funds for drugs. Hadn't crossed my mind.

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