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AIBU?

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Original poster

You're not very maternal...

77 replies

LookAtTheFlowersKerry · 14/03/2017 23:15

My mother has told me this THREE TIMES in the last week.

Wtf does that even mean? I have three dc. I breastfed two of them into toddlerhood. I still cosleep with the five year old. I am a SAHM. We cuddle, spend time together and are generally very affectionate and loving. Even the teenagers.

I'm not sure how much more maternal I'm expected to be? I think it's because I dont do crafts. Or iron. I'm clearly severely lacking in maternal skills.

What am I missing? What does one have to do to be 'maternal'? And should I be doing better?

OP posts:
Annesmyth123 · 15/03/2017 09:05

You have a really difficult relationship with your mother. (By your own admission). Why can't you go low contact?

grumpysquash3 · 15/03/2017 09:09

Apparently I am not maternal either (according to MIL) because I went back to work.
You sound like a lovely mum and I'm sure you are nicer to your DC than your DM is to you.

Original poster
LookAtTheFlowersKerry · 15/03/2017 09:11

I'm a lot lower contact now than I've ever been we used to live next door. I've just had a random glut of social things we've both been at lately.

And she's not always nasty. You'll laugh, but it's usually when she's had a drink...

OP posts:
ohtheholidays · 15/03/2017 09:11

You sound like an amazing Mum and your obviously really involved with all of your DC and it's clear from your first post just how much you love your DC and I bet when they're older if they ever knew what your Mum had said to you they'd be both horrified and confused as to where she got that idea from!

A few things it could be
Did your Mum struggle with being a Mum when you were growing up?It can bring up bad memories for women that had a tough time being a Mum/really struggled with feeling maternal to turn that around on they're own children when they become parents and are doing so well.
Not all women do it but I have seen it happen a couple of times within my own extended family.

Or if there's been any change in the way your Mum has been behaving recently then there may be something else going on,stress or health wise.

Or it could be that she wants to be really involved as Nan but feels like she's not needed.

Apart from the health/stress one though I would pull her up on what she's been saying if she was my Mum,it's better to do it sooner rather than later otherwise it could badly affect how you feel about yourself and your Mum and it could seriously affect your relationship with one another.

Original poster
LookAtTheFlowersKerry · 15/03/2017 09:12

I AM a lovely mum, goddamit. Even at my lowest that's something I've always held on to.

Flowers

Screw her.

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 15/03/2017 09:16

Maternal means loving towards your children. Not loving towards the clean toilet bowl, or towards the knitting needles. Confused

Maybe she just needs to consult a dictionary.

Flowers
ohtheholidays · 15/03/2017 09:18

Good For you Flowers you make sure you remember that Flowers

museumum · 15/03/2017 09:23

I'd have to challenge that.
I only have one dc and I work but if somebody said I "wasn't maternal" I'd be asking them what they mean and what they feel I ought to be doing more of.

It is insulting to tell someone who is a mother that they're not maternal. It's basically saying they fall short. Angry

Annesmyth123 · 15/03/2017 09:26

Just cut the contact lower. Can you talk to your counsellor about strategies?

MollyHuaCha · 15/03/2017 09:28

It's rude and hurtful, please ignore it. She is probably referring to domestic chores - cleaning skirting boards and baking cakes. Sounds like a bit of jealousy actually, that your life as a mother seems better than her was. Please ignore her Flowers

KingLooieCatz · 15/03/2017 09:29

I think perhaps some women feel the need to re-write history when grandchildren come along. Maybe deep down there is a nagging feeling that they let their own children down, maybe deep down they see you are doing a better job than they did and it's very uncomfortable for them so they try to transfer those feelings to you, and convince themselves that they got everything right.

repaintthesky · 15/03/2017 09:32

She means you are not like her. Take it as a compliment!

EssentialHummus · 15/03/2017 09:41

I think the line from Dickens is "I am what you have made me."

Silly woman. I'm pregnant with my first and have a distant relationship with my mother. Expecting fireworks on my upcoming, long-avoided visit.

FurryLittleTwerp · 15/03/2017 09:42

I don't think I'm particularly maternal, in that I don't coo & fuss over other people's babies, & really had no strong preference for becoming a mother over having no children.

My now-teenage DS is, & always has been, well-loved & well-looked-after. I've enjoyed getting to know him since he was tiny & I'm delighted to be his mum. I've never been a particularly mumsy mum, or spoken to him in baby-language.

What your DM said is a bit of a rude & upsetting thing to say to someone though.

Ineedacupofteadesperately · 15/03/2017 09:43

Hmmmm, I think my response would be along the lines of "the fact that you will say something so hurtful to your own daughter shows who REALLY isn't maternal". It's a nasty thing to say and however low contact you go and however much you know it's not true, it's bound to still hurt when it's your Mum. So Flowers to you OP. I'd avoid seeing her for a while if possible.

Allfednonedead · 15/03/2017 09:43

Random, baseless insults are likely to be projection. Given that she sounds like a shit mother, presumably she's talking about herself here.
Just ignore.
My suggestion to my DS(6) for groundless insults is 'oh really? Is that what you think? Hmm' and change the subject.
Admittedly that's for 'you're a poo-poo head' or 'you smell of elderberries', but this is a similar level of ridiculousness.

GeorgiePeachie · 15/03/2017 09:44

Maybe she means slattern if you don't iron. JOIN US. :P

Moanyoldcow · 15/03/2017 09:45

Tell her you take after your mother...

GabsAlot · 15/03/2017 09:46

its not for her to decide your not maternal its a feeling/hormones

im not maternal and i can say that-she cant

Oblomov17 · 15/03/2017 09:49

I'm not even sure what the word 'maternal' means these days. Its normally used in a nasty vindictive way, to mean the person 'isn't maternal'.

maras2 · 15/03/2017 09:50

I'm a mum,MIL,and granny.(despite not being very maternal) Smile
Even if I thought this about my DD's or DIL's I would never voice it.
How unkind even if said in jest.
Sounds like you're a great mum. Flowers

ShoutOutToMyEx · 15/03/2017 09:56

I've started pulling my mum up when she says something bizarre/insulting. I'll ask 'what does that mean?' in an enquiring (rather than aggressive) tone but she'll just respond 'hmm hmm hmm' in a sing song way. Utterly bizarre.

Mine does that. Sometimes she actually does start singing, gradually getting louder and louder to drown me out Grin

Badders123 · 15/03/2017 10:00

My own mother has always made me feel like I'm useless as a mum

I had late onset pnd with ds1 who was a very poorly baby and it was a very hard time for me

All this whilst holding up my sister as some sort of super Mum

At Xmas we were all ill - poor ds1 (13) ended up with raging tonsiltis on Xmas eve

We snuggled up together in bed and I kept getting him water and painkillers and we were watching a film

At one point he put his head on my shoulder and said "you're such a good Mum...it comes so easily to you"

Whenever Mum makes a comment now i think of that moment and smile 😊

WafflingVersatile · 15/03/2017 10:01

A lot of the examples being cited here a more about not adhering to the 1950s train of though than being maternal. I imagine my MIL feels this way about me. I don't speak about the dc with her anymore as she's so passive aggressive. We stick to the weather.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/03/2017 10:12

I'm not maternal.
Not at all.
My DD knows this.
But..... I'm still a great mum and love my DD to the moon and back.
I'd do anything for her and literally die for her.
But I had one DC for a good reason. I'm not maternal.

You sound totally the opposite to me.
Ignore your DM when she's had a drink.
Laugh it off - 'smile and wave boys, smile and wave'