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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

You're not very maternal...

77 replies

LookAtTheFlowersKerry · 14/03/2017 23:15

My mother has told me this THREE TIMES in the last week.

Wtf does that even mean? I have three dc. I breastfed two of them into toddlerhood. I still cosleep with the five year old. I am a SAHM. We cuddle, spend time together and are generally very affectionate and loving. Even the teenagers.

I'm not sure how much more maternal I'm expected to be? I think it's because I dont do crafts. Or iron. I'm clearly severely lacking in maternal skills.

What am I missing? What does one have to do to be 'maternal'? And should I be doing better?

OP posts:
AliceByTheMoon · 15/03/2017 07:59

OP- you have posted a bit before about how toxic your mum is. And it has impacted you badly, I know.

Maybe some distance for a bit might be in order- if only to protect yourself.

MummyPigLovesAppleSauce · 15/03/2017 07:59

When my DD was 12 weeks old my DM said that she 'thought I was a good mum.'.
But went on to say 'which surprises me as me and your Dad thought you would be crap!'

Hmm
Deathraystare · 15/03/2017 08:01

Next time she says it tell her "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree"wink

There could be a lot of truth in this!

WeAreNotInKansasAnymore · 15/03/2017 08:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mulberry72 · 15/03/2017 08:04

My DM has a friend who freely admits she's not maternal, she thinks my Mum was too soft with us.

Her DC (now grown up with DC of their own) talk about how their practical needs were met as kids, i.e. Fed well, clothed appropriately etc, but they were emotionally starved. There were never any cuddles for scraped knees or cheering them on at sports day etc.

Based on that and what you've said OP I think you sound very maternal!

AliceByTheMoon · 15/03/2017 08:07

My Dmum (I have a difficult relationship with her) freely admits that she was a pretty crap mother and I am much better than her.

Our relationship is usually based on her ostentatiously self flagellating and expecting to be validated. But when she said that I just went; 'mmm hmmmm. Yes, that's true'.

Shut her right up. Grin

QueenofPentacles · 15/03/2017 08:23

Say' I take after my Mother' and... run!

Mittensonastring · 15/03/2017 08:28

I remember going on holiday without my dc for 10 whole days, I had a friend getting married and it seemed daft to not extended it as it was in the States. I left DH home with dc. One of my sisters called me selfish to my face and your not maternal bs.Of course my DH buggers off on business trips for weeks at a time and has also gone to visit his relatives abroad and no one calls him selfish for being away.

hmcAsWas · 15/03/2017 08:31

I sympathise OP - my dh used to say to me "You do so well with the dc considering that you are not a natural mother" - wtf? He only said it a couple of times before he learnt not to

AliceByTheMoon · 15/03/2017 08:32

Mittens so true.

When DS was born until he was nearly 4 DH worked away, coming home perhaps 48 hours every 2-3 weeks. No-one said a bloody word (and I had bad PND which people knew about).

I currently work mostly from home, and am in London or the States for about 4 days every 2-3 months. People, including my own parents witter on about what a 'great support' he is to me and what a 'terrific dad' he is.

RB68 · 15/03/2017 08:38

Just tell her Maternal does not equal doormat

MaximaDeWit · 15/03/2017 08:40

My OH told me, when we were discussing having a baby (I was desperate, he wasn't sure), that he couldn't ever imagine me as a mother. It was the most hurtful thing anyone's ever said to me and still makes me feel a pang.

We watched Girls last night and Elijah told Hannah she'd make a terrible mother and she cried and it all came flooding back and I cried. We have a gorgeous 18 month old now and OH grabbed my hand and told me he couldn't have been more wrong about anything. Still hurts now

AliceByTheMoon · 15/03/2017 08:42

Maxima Thanks

Gwilt160981 · 15/03/2017 08:43

Take no notice.

Knifegrinder · 15/03/2017 08:45

I've had this (though not out loud from my mother) and it appears to be code for 'You're not a SAHM.'

Wishimaywishimight · 15/03/2017 08:51

Ah here, you sound like a lovely (and very maternal) mother.

I'm 48, no children, never wanted them. If I see a puppy I go "aaaaah" but no reaction to babies. That's not maternal! My mother once asked, many years ago, if I ever felt broody. I said "no" and that was the only conversation we ever had regarding babies.

passingthrough1 · 15/03/2017 08:54

My dad said this when I told him I was pregnant. Why do they think this is an ok thing to say?

BitOutOfPractice · 15/03/2017 08:55

I've just been told I'm the best mom ever because I have been and bought my DD some malibu for a party on Saturday Grin

There are all sorts of great moms out there

I wonder where your mom thinks you might have learned to be maternal? From your mother...oh, hold on!

shovetheholly · 15/03/2017 08:56

"I think it's because I dont do crafts."

Of course, if you don't want to make your own clothes out of wool you have harvested from the sheep you keep in the back garden, which you dye with woad you have grown yourself, and then spin by hand before knitting into uniquely original creations you're not a proper woman.

Knifegrinder · 15/03/2017 08:56

In fairness, wish, I have never in my life cooed at a baby or felt broody, yet I have a son. Not all mothers go into a broody meltdown anytime someone waves a newborn or a pair of newborn Hermes mittens tiny bootees in their direction. Grin

Rockpebblestone · 15/03/2017 08:58

I'd ask her (with raised eyebrows) whether she considers herself as being very 'maternal'.

If she says 'yes', say '...so what you are saying is I'm different to you. Would you prefer it if I was the same?'

...and let her metaphorically dig herself a great big hole to fall down.

joystir59 · 15/03/2017 09:01

Its making me feel really sad LookAtTheFlowersKerry to read how your mum undermines you. So sorry she is like this with you- I don't have any answers really- I had issues with a difficult father who used to set one of his children against another. It took me years of distance, therapy and self reflection to sort out my negative feelings about my father. Just know that you are a great mum and that your mum is only damaging her relationship with you more and more by coming out with this horrible stuff.

flapjackfairy · 15/03/2017 09:01

Sometimes i think my mum has made digs about my parenting to make her feel she is / was a better mum than me.
It is a nasty ,unsubtle way of putting you down in order to make themselves feel better.
Probably your mother is well aware that you are a great mum but wants to be top dog in that department so has to try and tear you down.
I also bet she is well aware of her own shortcomings in that area and is in denial so has no other choice than to make out you are a worse mother than she was.
I agree you should challenge her on it !

Athome77 · 15/03/2017 09:03

Just say 'I only had one mum to show me how to be maternal, so I guess you weren't either'

1stTimeMama · 15/03/2017 09:04

My sister has 3 children, but isn't someone who would list "maternal' as a trait of hers. She loves her children, but is very matter of fact with them. They've always been treated like adults, and involved in adult things, as if the being a child part was an inconvenience.

I would never have said I was maternal. I have 12 nieces and nephews, yet had never changed a nappy, felt broody, or particularly enjoyed being around children. I now have 4 children, and feel like being a mother is what I was always meant to do. My sister said recently, after having my 4th, "Who ever would've thought you'd become the Earth mother you are!"

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