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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dss abusive to his four year old half brother

84 replies

MrsWatt · 13/03/2017 18:48

This came up on the thread about the cruise cabins that I posted yesterday. Luckily we resolved that issue.

Many posters were concerned about dss and four year old ds. He will tell his half brother to shut the fuck up and be fucking quite or piss off. This happens when ds is loud and playful but is particularly bad in the mornings when dss gets woken up by ds. He has also called his little brother a cunt. We do punish him for this behaviour but have given up because it is very difficult to punish a 17 year old as many might know.

When ds was a baby he was much kinder to him and actually used to play with him/hold him.

He has little consideration for his brother for example he was in a strop when we went as a family to Disneyland Paris. I know they are teenagers and wouldn't want to be at Disneyland as much as a four year old but it was only for two days and then they got two days in Paris which we tried to aim towards them.

This causes huge problems as my sons don't like his attitude and dh gets really angry at him. Dh used to be close to him but they aren't anymore he gets really cross at his sons behaviour and ends up giving him money to just go and do his own thing. He gets on much better with my sons and it must hurt to see them do things together when dss isn't. But it is clearly his own making due to poor and disrespectful behaviour. I think he's got into a vicious cycle where he rejects everybodies love as a protection because he rejects them first. It's a really sad state of affairs. His mum and him are close but she is very involved with the new boyfriend and seems to give him more attention than she does her son. He has seen a counsellor in the past but he ends up saying what they like to hear and then leaving.

I used to clash with him but I've actually ended up getting on better with him and dh ended up getting on worse. I think I have come to expect little from him.

Not really aibu but I thought I should post it hear since it links to the previous thread.

OP posts:

eggcurry · 13/03/2017 21:42

He needs to move out. When us he 18?

It's not fair on the 4 year old to be living in an abusive home.

If his grandparents like his behaviour so much he can move in with them.

Otherwise get a room in a shared house.

I had moved out at that age he is too old to be in a family home where he is abusing a child.

ChippieBeanAndHorro · 13/03/2017 21:43

Protect your son.

Seriously, what he's doing is as bad as throwing a shoe or dumping a glass of water on your DS everytime he's a bit excited/being a loud child.

Does he have friends that are like him? He speaks like a thug it's really disgusting I think it comes from the music his listens to but his language is so terrible he speaks like a south London gangsta when we live in a rural Sussex

Are you sure he doesn't take drugs? Does he drink?

MAke him camp in your backyard?

Original poster

MrsWatt · 13/03/2017 21:46

Yes his friends are horrible but he only has two friends . No I don't think he's on drugs.

OP posts:

ChippieBeanAndHorro · 13/03/2017 21:48

What about removing him by sending him to a boarding school or something?

Sallysadlyseescertainty · 13/03/2017 21:53

He could very well be using drugs. This isn't good at all, especially for your 4 yo

lalalalyra · 13/03/2017 22:04

Does he react to your 4yo at other times? Does he react to other loud noises in the same way?

Does your 4yo ever get in trouble for screaming?

Not saying his behaviour is acceptable btw, just wondering if there is a reason the screaming affects him so much and/or if it could be the case that he's jealous because your DS gets away with everything but he can't move?

Have you tried sitting down as a family, your 4yo is old enough to join it, andxdrawung up house rules together? Start afresh from that day. It's so, so easy to get into a negative cycle where you are just clashing and punishing over and over and the child ends up thinking there's no point trying.

It could be that your DSs is the sole person at fault, but sometimes it's not as simple as the obvious.

titchy · 13/03/2017 22:15

Why does your 4 year old scream? Is he NT? Or do you use the word scream just to mean loud and exuberant?

Regardless protect your child. In fact all of them. Ship him off to grandparents.

Miniwookie · 13/03/2017 22:30

You don't seem to be grasping how damaging this must be for your 4yo. He must be given priority in this situation. Yes your dss is obviously unhappy, but he's almost an adult. He should not be abusing a small child and needs to know that is not acceptable. Can he not move in with his grandparents?

Original poster

MrsWatt · 13/03/2017 22:32

Scream means loud or excidted.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsWatt · 13/03/2017 22:34

Can he not move in with his grandparents?
He could but they don't live near enough to school he have to change schools and at the moment it's easier for us cause all dc go to one school.

OP posts:

coolaschmoola · 13/03/2017 22:34

I wonder if your dss got in trouble for screaming as a child?

ChippieBeanAndHorro · 13/03/2017 22:45

If you live in a rural area, do you have a backyard?

If yes you can buy him a tent (one of these smalle iglu ones you can use to camp in the alps) and a sleeping bag. It doesn't really seem to get cold in England anyway (imo)

Moanyoldcow · 13/03/2017 22:54

This is one hell of a frustrating thread. OP - you have had so much advice but don't want to take any of it.

Your DSS feels like he doesn't belong in your family. Either you need to have some family therapy all together or admit your family doesn't work - because a 4 year old frightened of his older DSB is an awful way to grow up.

You can turn this around but it will take real work - not sanctions and withholding money but time, unpleasant and painful conversations and real hard work.

I wish you much luck. This must be awful fir all of you.

Original poster

MrsWatt · 13/03/2017 23:12

They are not step brothers they are half brothers.

I have taken on the advice given and am trying to make the best of it.

Advice
.no more money (yes)
.dh dss time to rebuild their relationship (yes)

OP posts:

ChippieBeanAndHorro · 13/03/2017 23:14

You are aware that your DS has been abused?

ChippieBeanAndHorro · 13/03/2017 23:14

I'm not trying to be rude.

But this thread is annoying.

Original poster

MrsWatt · 13/03/2017 23:21

Yes I am aware.

OP posts:

Pallisers · 14/03/2017 01:08

I am completely shocked at so many responses on this thread saying tell the 17 year old to leave (to where???), throw him out, send him to boarding school etc.

I have noticed on MN that people seem to think that rearing a child is all over age 16/17. Is that an English or UK thing because I am Irish/US and nearly everyone I know in both countries still feels an immense sense of responsibility to their children at age 17.

The 17 year old is being a complete pain. He is 17. It should be made clear to him that he cannot talk to his younger brother like that. But saying "get out" as a response. Jesus - who are you people?

I have a 15, 16 and 20 year old and still feel responsible for them. Still think I have to guide them. The 17 year old needs his dad to step up and figure out why he is behaving the way he is and explain to him how he should behave and continue continue continue. It isn't easy. That is why parenting isn't for the faint of heart. It is a long term commitment and it certainly doesn't end at 16.

Do you think the 4 year old should also get turfed out age 17 if he doesn't behave the way everyone in the house wants?

Protect the 4 year old but continue being a parent to the 17 year old. It shouldn't be an either/or.

lalalalyra · 14/03/2017 01:11

You really need to consider family therapy OP. Your DH is in serious danger of failing both of his sons if you don't get to the bottom of it and sort out the house for the sake of both boys.

FreeNiki · 14/03/2017 01:15

Children and babies deserve unconditional love.

At 17 years of age and mere months from adulthood, you have to give something back as you're old.enough to no better.

Bollocks to giving him more love and attention. He stops abusing a 4 yo or he can get the hell out at 18 and rent a place. Cant afford to? Toe the line.

FreeNiki · 14/03/2017 01:19

*know better.

Pallisers · 14/03/2017 01:26

*Children and babies deserve unconditional love.

At 17 years of age and mere months from adulthood, you have to give something back as you're old.enough to no better.

Bollocks to giving him more love and attention. He stops abusing a 4 yo or he can get the hell out at 18 and rent a place. Cant afford to? Toe the line.*

I could never treat my children how you think yours should be treated. I could never tell my 17 year old to get out because I didn't like his behaviour. I could never think "bollocks to giving him more love and attention" about a child of mine. Do you even have a child?? How can you think like that?

Rearing children is hard. Bloody hard. Being a parent to teens is way harder than the younger years. You have to put in a lot of effort, talking , listening, family therapy, other therapy etc.

throwing them out because they don't toe the line is easy. But it isn't being a parent.

I honestly find this kind of throw-away/I'm done attitude to your 17 year old children horrible. yet so many people on this thread think it is ok to say dump them out if they don't behave or toe the line. Do you know how young a 17 year old is?

13 years on will the 4 year old get the same treatment?

FreeNiki · 14/03/2017 01:55

17 is old enough to know not to verbally abuse a 4 year old.

some 17 year olds are parents themselves.

Where do you draw the line?

Will you love bomb him if he hits the 4 year old?

FreeNiki · 14/03/2017 01:57

The 4 year old has a right not be intimidated in his own home. He is a dependant and no choice where he lives.

Almost an adult? Don't like it, then leave! It is that simple.

FastForward2 · 14/03/2017 02:10

All 17 yr olds need sleep, and usually particularly their sleep on saturday and sunday mornings. Is he getting woken up by the 4 yo? His behaviour wont improve if he is short of sleep. Teenagers sleep patterm is completely messed up by school which starts too early, it has been shown that if they are allowed to start later in the day they do better.
The pressure on 17 yo is incredible, is he preparing for exams? I agree he should not shout /swear at 4yo but siblings do worse to each other and survive. The 17 yo is still a child who has been subject of custody battle. Please see it from his pov. He does not have any choice but to live with this noisy child.
More time with his father I agree could help, but also try to get the 4 yo to be quieter, even if it does not work the 17 yo might appreciate the effort.

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