To think this was rude of my Manager

[Polllypocket]

I have been given a group project to do with a member of staff who has been avoiding actually contributing and is being lazy about the whole thing. Even if you get him to meet you he just sits there gormlessly.

He's a decent guy though and is stressed as he's also got a weekend job so I've been feeling really bad about being more forceful with getting him to contribute.

My manager called me in to say he'd noticed my attempts to complete the piece of work and realised I wasn't going to get anywhere with my colleague so to leave it.

I thanked him and said 'sometimes I just need to learn to be more assertive'.

My manager then spat his coffee all over his desk, almost fell off his chair laughing!!!

His PA was also laughing and had to wipe tears from her eyes!

I give my opinion on matters confidently and always stick up for myself. I'm not a doormat. I don't let anyone take advantage of me.

But at the same time my empathy often gets in my way of me being assertive. I had my neighbour come to my house every two days a week for a year as I didn't have the heart to tell her I was busy! 😳

So I don't think I'm assertive and don't think that reaction was really necessary. I feel it was rude. AIBU?

Being assertive is a compliment though.

Also it seems you don't how others see you. It's a useful skill to build.

Yeah I suppose. I don't think they meant it as a compliment though!

Your manager sounds like a twit? Does this manager also manage your colleague?

If the manager is managing him too he should be making him contribute rather than dropping it. If the colleague can't handle his weekend job on top of his regular job then surely they should be letting him know his performance is not acceptable!

Clearly they believe you are assertive and feel comfortable enough with you to laugh when you suggest you need to be . I'd say it means they know and like you rather thsn being rude.

He's a good Manager. Otherwise I wouldn't really care. He's a really nice man.

Which makes me think maybe I am assertive and just don't know it! 😂

It doesn't sound like you are being assertive in the workplace because it wouldn't matter that your colleague has a weekend job too, if you need the job done and he was expected to contribute you need to get the information from him.

You do sound just a little bit unreasonable in what reaction your comment had on your manager and his PA. They were probably taken aback by your statement about being more assertive.

Perhaps, go back to your desk and take a moment to put together an email to your manager saying that their reaction to your comment about being more assertive has spurred you on to investigating training courses in being more assertive and you want to go on X course on Y dates and this will become part of your career plan for the year. If necessary you may need to go on more than one course so another training company has one on A date that you want to go on too.

Turn it around to be something in your favour.

They laughed because they think I am assertive.

It wasn't an essential project. I'm not the guys manager so didn't feel able to be the one pushing the guy to contribute. I felt that was my manager to do. He's dropped the project as he realised he himself probably wouldn't even make much difference.

They were just having a laugh! Perhaps the manager has already spoken to him and they think you're demanding? Maybe the manager is happy with him and you're not

A boss once told me that he was impressed with the way I calmly and clearly made my points in meetings. I was really pleased as I felt I just sat there quietly while other people did a lot of talking. There were some very outspoken, confident people in the group and it could get a bit much.

I foolishly mentioned what my boss had said to a colleague and his response was "well yes, you do have your say. Too much sometimes, if I'm honest".

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the end of me ever offering anything in that meeting again.

I feel your pain, OP.