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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

.....about this situation?

88 replies

LaContessaDiPlump · 12/03/2017 10:59

Please tell me if IABU, because I'm honestly not sure.

Years ago I was engaged to a guy who turned out to be a cheating idiot. I broke off the engagement, but stayed loosely in touch with his family as they are lovely people. His mum in particular had been engaged to one or two others before she met his dad, so she understood the sadness of losing touch with potential extended family when engagements end.; she was as keen to stay in touch as me.

Years pass, and now I'm married with two DC. Two years ago we made a day trip to visit them (just ex's parents) in a town far away, and DH was alright with it alothough privately commenting that it felt a bit weird. He got on well with them though, chatting and such. We all had a nice day.

Now it's two years later, and the building works on their new place have finished. We were invited to drive over and spend a night in the flat attached to their home, as it's a long way to drive there and back in one day. I consulted DH and he agreed to it with no quibble. I've been looking forward to it.

Today he announced that he's talked to his friends and actually it's a bit odd and weird and so he doesn't want to go. I angrily said 'Well stay here then' and he said 'Fine, I will'. I shouldn't have snapped, but I'm upset at the situation he's put me in. I don't want to cancel and think it would be rude to cancel at such short notice (it's next week). DH and I haven't been getting on very well recently anyway and this just feels like another nail in the coffin for me.

I'd be grateful for opinions on how to proceed from here please. I would be equally grateful if the 'Oh I could NEVER stay in touch with my ex's parents; that's SO weird' brigade could kindly keep their opinions to themselves, as clearly we differ on that point.

Thanks all.

OP posts:
Original poster
LaContessaDiPlump · 12/03/2017 11:42

I think I will explain to DH that I respect his decision but will still go with DC; it would be too rude to cancel outright. I also wish he'd engaged his brain before this point, rather than leaving all the thought to the last minute. He has form for that.

OP posts:
Original poster
LaContessaDiPlump · 12/03/2017 11:43

I honestly don't mind if he goes or not, but I feel it's rude to say you will do it and then back out at the last minute. Pick one and stick to it FFS!

OP posts:
RiversrunWoodville · 12/03/2017 11:44

I don't actually find the staying close or visiting that odd. I think I'd be more annoyed by the fact that DH was ok with it when first suggested then changed his mind (through friends or otherwise)....
However I wonder if the problem might be symptomatic of other issues because you aren't getting on well already? (Voice of experience here)

reuset · 12/03/2017 11:44

No, you are not being unreasonable. Not at all, it doesn't matter that your old friends are related to your ex.

I'm sorry your once sensible DH has allowed his mind to be changed on this. He's being ridiculous. I would not let him prevent you going but hoped he found it in him to go along with you.

PuppyMonkey · 12/03/2017 11:44

I think a day trip is one thing but it's the staying over that's weird and that's why your DH is a bit Hmm about it.

RiversrunWoodville · 12/03/2017 11:44

Apologies for random line of dots not sure where they came from Blush

Original poster
LaContessaDiPlump · 12/03/2017 11:45

Also it leaves me apologising to others for his absence, which will be awkward and I don't look forward to it. If he'd just initially declined we wouldn't have this problem.

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 12/03/2017 11:46

The whole thing sounds awkward to me Grin

Bluntness100 · 12/03/2017 11:46

Chris, it's very different when it's a widowed spouse situation, most people would stay in touch, albeit not force the new partner to go stay too.

Op, I think most people are going to tell you you're being unreasonable to expect your husband to go stay with these people. He's met them once. In addition he told you it was weird the first time and still went along for your benefit.

I notice your not answering questions such as has the son a partner, how he feels. I'm actually starting to wonder now if you still hold a torch for him and are maybe reliving what might have been. Proving yourself the perfect daughter in law.

MardAsSnails · 12/03/2017 11:49

My DH flew halfway round the world, taking unpaid leave, to go to his ex girlfriends dads funeral - it was similar circumstances and I was shocked he was considering NOT going due to the fact that he used to date their daughter (for 5 years).

I, on the other hand, acknowledge that they are lovely people but would not be comfortable staying there, and I'd be a bit peeved if DH expected it of me.

So I say cut your DH a bit of slack. I suspect he was iffy about it but wasn't sure if he was being unreasonable until speaking to friends. If he doesn't have an issue with you and the kids going, you should go. Make a simple excuse like work this time, and keep them a your old friends. He doesn't need to be involved, as long as he doesn't mind you still seeing them.

FrogsLegs31 · 12/03/2017 11:50

Again LaContessa, I used to do exactly what your husband has done.

I felt like I couldn't say no. I felt such pressure from my partner to do what he wanted that I would initially make a non-commital noise. Feel impending misery in the lead up to the thing I didn't want to do and then try to put my foot down on the actual day.

One day of his disappointment was a lot easier than all of the days and debates and disappointment from when he first asked me.

Original poster
LaContessaDiPlump · 12/03/2017 11:52

My ex was an immature idiot back when we were together and I suspect is the same now. He took up with another student 2 weeks after we split up (having been together for 3 years and engaged); they then got married, then divorced a few years ago (I think 3/4). Last I heard (2 years ago) he was dating someone and seemed happy. I emphatically have no desire to hitch myself to him. For one thing he's a rabid Tory and I lean towards the Green party Grin

OP posts:
Itsnotwhatitseems · 12/03/2017 11:53

my DPs Ex MIL is dying to meet me, she apparently told my DP that I look like her DD, she was upset when he DD left my DP for OM and has stayed friends with him, but I don't want to be put under the looking glass to see if I make the grade, it would make me uncomfortable and I can understand your DH feeling that way too

Original poster
LaContessaDiPlump · 12/03/2017 11:54

I get what you're saying Frogs but I don't apply pressure like that. In fact DH has often behaved quite rudely (IMO and that of my family) but I let him do as he pleases because I don't like pressuring people. I get enough of that myself, I don't do it to others.

OP posts:
honeyroar · 12/03/2017 11:54

I don't understand what people find weird about being friends with an ex's parents. I'm friends with my ex's parents, they're lovely people and supported me when their son was awful to me years ago. Our friendship has nothing to do with their son, we don't discuss him much, it's a normal friendship, we talk about what's going on in our lives. Some people found it weird that I am friends with them, but I'm still friends with some of his friends - no need to drop everyone nice just because you break up.. Luckily my husband is not one of the people that thinks it's weird. They're just my friends, same as any other friends, so he got to know them too and is happy to visit. They came to our wedding.

user1andonly · 12/03/2017 11:56

I think he just doesn't want to go. They are more your friends than his. You say you've not been getting on well. Perhaps he's less willing to put himself out for something that you want to do (and he's not mad keen on) than he was in the past. I know when DH and I are not getting on brilliantly, I am much less inclined to want to go to his parents and spend a day listening to them ramble on chatting.

He's using the ex-parents bit as an excuse imho. You telling him to stay home then was what he wanted! He gets to not go (which he didn't want to do anyway) but blames you for snapping.

I would, as others have suggested, go with the dc and have a nice time without him.

wornoutboots · 12/03/2017 11:56

I still love my ex inlaws. Wonderful people don't cease to be wonderful because you break up from their son.

Original poster
LaContessaDiPlump · 12/03/2017 11:59

You telling him to stay home then was what he wanted!

I agree User! I'm annoyed, I did his work for him Grin

I will go with DC, but make an excuse for him. I'll be happy , the DC will be happy, he will be happy.

I will also make sure we have a conversation about him maybe engaging brain more than 1 week before any given event, as I really do not appreciate the short notice period given. I vastly prefer unpalatable predictability to initially-palatable unpredictability. He knows this.

OP posts:
fernanie · 12/03/2017 12:03

I also wish he'd engaged his brain before this point, rather than leaving all the thought to the last minute. He has form for that.
Also it leaves me apologising to others for his absence, which will be awkward.

Am I right in thinking this is the actual issue for you? In that case, YANBU - it's annoying when people are consistently flaky (oxymoron?) and bail on things they've previously agreed to. At the same time, some people are just like that and are unlikely to change. Go, and have a good time, and he'll probably have an equally good time at home. Who knows, you might even get on better when you get back after having some time to miss each other and both engage in something you enjoy.

catcalledmarvin · 12/03/2017 12:07

FWIW I don't think it's weird that you're friends with your exes family, it's been so long now that they are friends, the ex bit is irrelevant.

If your DH doesn't want to go then simple, go with DCs and have a great time.

What rings alarm bells for me is that you say in your OP this just feels like another nail in the coffin for me. and that is cause for concern. Not whether or not you should go but that your marriage is floundering.

However it all goes I wish you well, OP.

TheStoic · 12/03/2017 12:20

Talk about easily led....

He appeared to be easily led by you, up until now - which presumably you were happy with.

Couples need to make an effort with their spouse's family. With their spouse's former fiance's family, not so much.

Go, enjoy yourself, leave him out of it.

Werkzallhourz · 12/03/2017 12:24

Something similar to this occurred in my family.

My paternal grandparents kept in contact with my dad's ex fiancé. They would invite her over for tea, meet up with her in cafes, invite her round to their house, even after my mum and dad got married and I was born.

It upset my mum terribly for years. She felt rejected. It didn't help that my grandparents had preferred this ex fiancé to her.

This scenario is somewhat similar to the position of your ex fiancé and his current partner, and you've given no indication as to how they might view this scenario.

Personally, I think you are being unreasonable to expect your DH to go to visit these people, and I think it is unreasonable to not consider how this relationship between you and them might affect their son and his current partner.

Original poster
LaContessaDiPlump · 12/03/2017 12:32

Ok, I just talked to him and now am more confused Confused

I said I was happy for him to go/not go but would have liked more notice. He agreed but also raised the following points:

  1. He thinks that it's fine for me to go but he has a lingering concern that the DC may be in danger from my ex (?!??!)
  2. I don't have a 'right' to be friends with my ex's family as 'families don't work like that'

I am just Confused ex is not violent, never was violent, and doesn't live anywhere near his parents. They are gentle, child-centred and lovely; the DC are absolutely safe. As for the second point, I'm just a bit lost.

I am still going, and still taking DC. Just a bit thrown by it all.

OP posts:
OneSecondAfter · 12/03/2017 12:37

I do think it's very weird.

But I would never say no to something just because it's weird!

I probably would try to get out of going away just to visit some random old friends of my wife's, though. But that's just cos I'm antisocial I guess.

TheStoic · 12/03/2017 12:41

He's obviously not comfortable with it and cannot properly verbalise why.

Yes, he should probably be enlightened about it all. But honestly, just saying 'I'd rather not go to see your ex's parents, thank you' should be enough.

I think if you keep discussing it, his 'reasons' are just going to get more confusing for you.