Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

.....about this situation?

88 replies

LaContessaDiPlump · 12/03/2017 10:59

Please tell me if IABU, because I'm honestly not sure.

Years ago I was engaged to a guy who turned out to be a cheating idiot. I broke off the engagement, but stayed loosely in touch with his family as they are lovely people. His mum in particular had been engaged to one or two others before she met his dad, so she understood the sadness of losing touch with potential extended family when engagements end.; she was as keen to stay in touch as me.

Years pass, and now I'm married with two DC. Two years ago we made a day trip to visit them (just ex's parents) in a town far away, and DH was alright with it alothough privately commenting that it felt a bit weird. He got on well with them though, chatting and such. We all had a nice day.

Now it's two years later, and the building works on their new place have finished. We were invited to drive over and spend a night in the flat attached to their home, as it's a long way to drive there and back in one day. I consulted DH and he agreed to it with no quibble. I've been looking forward to it.

Today he announced that he's talked to his friends and actually it's a bit odd and weird and so he doesn't want to go. I angrily said 'Well stay here then' and he said 'Fine, I will'. I shouldn't have snapped, but I'm upset at the situation he's put me in. I don't want to cancel and think it would be rude to cancel at such short notice (it's next week). DH and I haven't been getting on very well recently anyway and this just feels like another nail in the coffin for me.

I'd be grateful for opinions on how to proceed from here please. I would be equally grateful if the 'Oh I could NEVER stay in touch with my ex's parents; that's SO weird' brigade could kindly keep their opinions to themselves, as clearly we differ on that point.

Thanks all.

OP posts:
Annesmyth123 · 12/03/2017 11:19

What I mean. If a friend said that would make me uncomfortable it would somehow validate my feelings and give me the courage or push to speak to DP - that it wasn't just me being weird for no reason

witsender · 12/03/2017 11:19

You say yourself he found it weird last time. It sounds a bit like he felt he had to agree as it is so normal and fine to you, but when talking through with his friends his feelings were validated and now he feels he can say no.

He is perfectly within his rights to say no. I would just say that you want to go, and completely understand that he wants to stay behind. No need to be angry with him for not feeling the same as you.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 12/03/2017 11:20

You are teaching your children nice values about not hating ex's especially his ex at your wedding ( weird , v v weird But nice )

Not nice to be rude to us "brigade" who nay dis agree with you

I would never have asked my dh along in first place as its your past friendships not his, he is not a dick for not going, let him have time to himself

TheUpsideDown · 12/03/2017 11:21

Personally I think its weird that he suddenly thinks its weird to be friends with your exes parents, but his ex-wife was at your wedding. So you've BOTH been ok with exes/exes families still being involved as friends.

Why now is he nit ok with it. YANBU

mommy2ash · 12/03/2017 11:21

It doesn't really matter how many people on here would be comfortable with it. Your dh isn't and his feelings on this should be considered just as valid as yours. It isn't a friendship he wishes to pursue but you haven't said anything to indicate he is trying to stop you from being friends with them.

Even putting aside the question of staying friends with an ex's family I think yabu

RandomMess · 12/03/2017 11:22

YANBU, FGS they are your friends, he's visited before and actually enjoyed the day with them!

Original poster
LaContessaDiPlump · 12/03/2017 11:22

I apologise to the 'It's weird' brigade. Seriously, I didn't mean to offend. I was being thoughtless (or self-absorbed, rather).

OP posts:
wizzler · 12/03/2017 11:22

I split up with an Ex in 1989 and stayed in touch with his DM When I was in my early 20s she was like a second mum to me. I lived with his parents while he worked away.

I have since moved about a 3 hours drive away so dont see them very much . When I am in the area I pop in for a visit and have taken DH and the DC too.

DH has no problem with this. He knows that this lady is someone I think a lot about and so he comes with me. if we are in the area. I dont see my Ex very often, but we are on friendly terms. He knows I still see his mum and is happy that we are still in touch.

So I dont think its odd at all.

babybrainismyexcuseforlife · 12/03/2017 11:23

I think to stay in touch with exes family yanbu but to disregard your OH feelings yabu!
Maybe he thought he was being ridiculous about feeling awkward with the situation but speaking to friends has helped him realise it's not the 'normal' thing! I think you both need to talk about it to come to a compromise as it could get blown out of control and surely you don't want to destroy your family for an exes family Confused

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 12/03/2017 11:23

Are you sure it was his friends who changed his mind, or is he simply saying that to validate his own feelings?

LoveDeathPrizes · 12/03/2017 11:26

Oh okay, no you should definitely go! You can see whoever you want. You both can!

JennyHolzersGhost · 12/03/2017 11:27

I don't think either of you are BU. You were looking forward to visiting these people - who you should mentally reclassify as friends btw, rather than ex-inlaws - and it's irritating to find out that DH doesn't want to go after all and so you'll need to change plans.
But he is NBU for not partic wanting to see these people. He gave them a go last time, this time he doesn't fancy it. That's fine.
So you go on your own, make his excuses (as someone upthread said, say he's working or something), you enjoy yourself, he enjoys himself, no harm done.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 12/03/2017 11:27

There have been a few times when I've been a bit unenthusiastic about something and mentioned it to friends. They have gone "that's really bad" and it has made me realise that actually it isn't just me being a princess but I have the right to be unhappy about it. And have them spoken up.

In fact - isn't that the whole reason AIBU exists? For us to judge our feelings against the benchmark of what other - uninvolved - people think is acceptable.

Original poster
LaContessaDiPlump · 12/03/2017 11:28

Well indeed, Mumoftwoyoungkids!

OP posts:
DoingThisRight · 12/03/2017 11:29

You must know that it is a situation where many people would not be comfortable with this so it shouldn't be a surprise when people do. You can stand your ground in favour of pleasing your exs parents and go, by why would you do that to your relationship?

Original poster
LaContessaDiPlump · 12/03/2017 11:30

He wouldn't actually mind if we go, so long as he doesn't have to.

OP posts:
Annesmyth123 · 12/03/2017 11:31

And a shorter visit is totally different to staying over, in my head.

Bluntness100 · 12/03/2017 11:36

The 'brigade' would be the same people you just asked to tell you honestly if YABU, wouldn't they?

PuppyMonkey · 12/03/2017 11:36

So you actually only saw them once on a day trip two years ago and now you're staying over at their house?

I think that's a bit odd tbh.

Unless that bit's wrong and you've actually been out with them lots more in between etc.

happypoobum · 12/03/2017 11:37

He wouldn't actually mind if we go, so long as he doesn't have to.

Problem solved then?

In his shoes I wouldn't be keen either tbh. Just go and make his excuses.

Original poster
LaContessaDiPlump · 12/03/2017 11:39

If you read the thread Bluntness, you'll note that I've backtracked on that point and apologised.

OP posts:
ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 12/03/2017 11:40

I don't think you're BU at all. I am still in touch with my late husband's family (he died in 2002). They were my family and I love them. When I met my ex, he wasn't happy about this at all, but I refused to 'give up' people who had been my family for a decade just because he didn't like it. We even stayed with my late? MIL for a week when we visited SA when the DC were babies. I still call my late? MIL Mom, my kids call her Grannie C, and my late? SIL just came to stay with us for a week. The kids call her Auntie J (again, the ex is very unhappy about this, but tough shit for him).

I never know how to refer to them - they're my late husband's family, but they're not really 'late'.

PageNowFoundFileUnderSpartacus · 12/03/2017 11:40

I don't think YABU if you and DC go. If it were me though I'd acknowledge to DH that I hadn't considered how weird it might be for him and that I had perhaps been a bit insensitive, because I no longer consider them as "Ex's parents" but just "Barbara and Geoff" who have become friends in their own right.

Original poster
LaContessaDiPlump · 12/03/2017 11:40

Nope, we did last see them 2 years ago. The staying over offer is simply down to distance (and I did let her offer 2 or 3 times before accepting; I didn't leap at the chance).

OP posts:
FrogsLegs31 · 12/03/2017 11:42

My ex used to be like this... he would absolutely expect me to attend things with him and would be annoyed if I didn't want to spend my free time with people I didn't know and he would be annoyed if I wasn't happy enough while we were there and he would be annoyed if I didn't "perform" infront of people that were his friends not mine.

In his opinion I was showing him up if I didn't go, embarrassing him if I wasn't performing as the good gf and enjoying the time as much as him.

Do you know how hard it is to have someone expect you to do something you don't enjoy (and pretend to enjoy it) during your precious free time or else you will incur their disappointment/wrath?