.....about this situation?

[LaContessaDiPlump]

Please tell me if IABU, because I'm honestly not sure.

Years ago I was engaged to a guy who turned out to be a cheating idiot. I broke off the engagement, but stayed loosely in touch with his family as they are lovely people. His mum in particular had been engaged to one or two others before she met his dad, so she understood the sadness of losing touch with potential extended family when engagements end.; she was as keen to stay in touch as me.

Years pass, and now I'm married with two DC. Two years ago we made a day trip to visit them (just ex's parents) in a town far away, and DH was alright with it alothough privately commenting that it felt a bit weird. He got on well with them though, chatting and such. We all had a nice day.

Now it's two years later, and the building works on their new place have finished. We were invited to drive over and spend a night in the flat attached to their home, as it's a long way to drive there and back in one day. I consulted DH and he agreed to it with no quibble. I've been looking forward to it.

Today he announced that he's talked to his friends and actually it's a bit odd and weird and so he doesn't want to go. I angrily said 'Well stay here then' and he said 'Fine, I will'. I shouldn't have snapped, but I'm upset at the situation he's put me in. I don't want to cancel and think it would be rude to cancel at such short notice (it's next week). DH and I haven't been getting on very well recently anyway and this just feels like another nail in the coffin for me.

I'd be grateful for opinions on how to proceed from here please. I would be equally grateful if the 'Oh I could NEVER stay in touch with my ex's parents; that's SO weird' brigade could kindly keep their opinions to themselves, as clearly we differ on that point.

Thanks all.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

I think I'll leave it until Tuesday, then text ex's mum to say that unfortunately DH has had a unexpected work surge and needs to work over the weekend; however the three of us will still be coming over. That should suit all concerned.

Thanks all, this has been helpful!

[kaputt]

My exes mum and my mum have become best friends in the years since we split, and now they live next door to eachother, so there's zero chance of me not seeing her, and I like her a lot. I don't force DH to hang out with her the same as I don't force him to hang out with any of DM's other old biddy mates, but I'd find it weird if he had a problem with it or asked me not to see her.

Just go and don't worry about it, and don't make him go. He's being weird, and YANBU, but seeing people you don't particularly care about is dull, and if they're not actual family there's no obligation on him to join.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

How am I hanging around when my ex's mum is usually the one to initiate contact?! I wish her and her DH a happy birthday as our birthdays are all close; that is usually the extent of comms started by me

Yeah, I'm not very happy with DH right now anyway. There's a variety of reasons.

[ToEarlyForDecorations]

There's undercurrents of frustration and distrust going on here. Between OP and her DH.

OP's husband may be a bit insecure about the ex-fiancée. That's what the, 'not safe' remark may have been.

I wonder if your husband thinks you are angling for a reunion with your ex-fiancée which is the real reason you keep hanging round find an excuse to go and visit. Especially with the children in tow. Kinda showing him what he could have had if you stayed together. Are your kids their unofficial grandchildren somehow ?

OP, do you go round their house to try and catch a glimpse of your ex-fiancé ? (I forget how many 'e' s there is for male or female finance's)

I feel there is a huge row brewing between OP and her husband. Remarks like, 'nail in the coffin' make me think, 'ah'.

[whereiwanttobe]

I've stayed very close to two of my ex BILs and my partner of 3 years has been fine about meeting up with them - in fact we're staying with one of them for a few days next month at his home in France. But then we've also met up with his exP for dinner so I think we're both quite relaxed about past relationships - they're ex for a reason! My exH does not see my family because they don't want to - he was an arse.

Not sure that helps particularly other than that I think you are fine to carry on seeing them, and although it would be nice if he felt ok about coming along it's probably more relaxed for you if he's not there. I do think it WBVU if he tried to stop you going though, as clearly they are important to you.

I hope the visit goes well, whoever ends up going.

[QuinoaKeen]

YABU.

[annielouise]

I don't think he's weird for not wanting to go. I think he went along with it before despite thinking it strange and has met his friends and brought it up to see their view. They've confirmed they think it weird too giving him the strength to come out and say it.

It's not big deal you telling your ex fiance's parents he couldn't make it. They're your friends. It's hard enough sometimes to get partners to go see your own parents never mind those of an ex fiance. They've become your friends - fine. They're really nothing to him, or your DCs really. I certainly would not want to go. The best thing would be for you to drop the conversation now as he's not odd in his thinking. Maintain the friendship should you so wish but make it your friendship solely. Putting myself in his shoes I'm not sure I'd want my OH taking my kids to see them either.

[exLtEveDallas]

I don't have a 'right' to be friends with my ex's family as 'families don't work like that

So why the fuck was his Ex at your wedding?

[FinallyHere]

Not weird at all, to keep in touch with people that you are fond of, when you have good history together.

Just a point, though, don't apologise for his non-appearance. Stuff happens, he can't make it, shrug.

Its not going to have any impact on them ( unlike a sit-down wedding reception) and infact they may prefer to see you and DC, without having to entertain, or remember to include him. So long as he is welcome to join you, its no biggie for him to opt out.

[Lovewineandchocs]

I don't have a 'right' to be friends with my ex's family as 'families don't work like that

But isn't he friends with his ex's family? Or at least with his ex-wife as she came to your wedding.

[pigsDOfly]

I don't think it's weird that you should have a relationship with your ex's family, you've clearly grown close to them so why would you not want to go on seeing them. That's fair enough.

It's not reasonable, however to expect your DH to build a relationship with them. You're demanding too much of him.

What is very weird though, is posting on an open forum and dictating to people what they can and cannot post; that's the nature of an open forum.

However, I see you've recanted on that, obviously seeing it's completely unreasonable, so perhaps in the same light you can see how unreasonable it is to ask your DH to get all lovey dovey with your ex's family when he's clearly uncomfortable with it.

[luckylucky24]

MY DH is still in touch with his ex's family. They came to our wedding and we socialise with them occasionally.

Your DH shouldn't be going by what other people think he should be going by how he feels.

[ShoutOutToMyEx]

Does your ex have a new partner/wife? I wonder how she feels about you going to stay with her MIL.

I'd be upset if my PIL had one of DP's exes over regularly (not that he has any ). Like a former PP says I'd feel quite rejected.

[TheStoic]

He's obviously not comfortable with it and cannot properly verbalise why.

Yes, he should probably be enlightened about it all. But honestly, just saying 'I'd rather not go to see your ex's parents, thank you' should be enough.

I think if you keep discussing it, his 'reasons' are just going to get more confusing for you.

[OneSecondAfter]

I do think it's very weird.

But I would never say no to something just because it's weird!

I probably would try to get out of going away just to visit some random old friends of my wife's, though. But that's just cos I'm antisocial I guess.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

Ok, I just talked to him and now am more confused

I said I was happy for him to go/not go but would have liked more notice. He agreed but also raised the following points:

1. He thinks that it's fine for me to go but he has a lingering concern that the DC may be in danger from my ex (?!??!)
   
2. I don't have a 'right' to be friends with my ex's family as 'families don't work like that'
   
   I am just ex is not violent, never was violent, and doesn't live anywhere near his parents. They are gentle, child-centred and lovely; the DC are absolutely safe. As for the second point, I'm just a bit lost.
   
   I am still going, and still taking DC. Just a bit thrown by it all.

[Werkzallhourz]

Something similar to this occurred in my family.

My paternal grandparents kept in contact with my dad's ex fiancé. They would invite her over for tea, meet up with her in cafes, invite her round to their house, even after my mum and dad got married and I was born.

It upset my mum terribly for years. She felt rejected. It didn't help that my grandparents had preferred this ex fiancé to her.

This scenario is somewhat similar to the position of your ex fiancé and his current partner, and you've given no indication as to how they might view this scenario.

Personally, I think you are being unreasonable to expect your DH to go to visit these people, and I think it is unreasonable to not consider how this relationship between you and them might affect their son and his current partner.

[TheStoic]

Talk about easily led....

He appeared to be easily led by you, up until now - which presumably you were happy with.

Couples need to make an effort with their spouse's family. With their spouse's former fiance's family, not so much.

Go, enjoy yourself, leave him out of it.

[catcalledmarvin]

FWIW I don't think it's weird that you're friends with your exes family, it's been so long now that they are friends, the ex bit is irrelevant.

If your DH doesn't want to go then simple, go with DCs and have a great time.

What rings alarm bells for me is that you say in your OP this just feels like another nail in the coffin for me. and that is cause for concern. Not whether or not you should go but that your marriage is floundering.

However it all goes I wish you well, OP.

[fernanie]

I also wish he'd engaged his brain before this point, rather than leaving all the thought to the last minute. He has form for that.
Also it leaves me apologising to others for his absence, which will be awkward.

Am I right in thinking this is the actual issue for you? In that case, YANBU - it's annoying when people are consistently flaky (oxymoron?) and bail on things they've previously agreed to. At the same time, some people are just like that and are unlikely to change. Go, and have a good time, and he'll probably have an equally good time at home. Who knows, you might even get on better when you get back after having some time to miss each other and both engage in something you enjoy.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

You telling him to stay home then was what he wanted!

I agree User! I'm annoyed, I did his work for him

I will go with DC, but make an excuse for him. I'll be happy , the DC will be happy, he will be happy.

I will also make sure we have a conversation about him maybe engaging brain more than 1 week before any given event, as I really do not appreciate the short notice period given. I vastly prefer unpalatable predictability to initially-palatable unpredictability. He knows this.

[wornoutboots]

I still love my ex inlaws. Wonderful people don't cease to be wonderful because you break up from their son.

[user1andonly]

I think he just doesn't want to go. They are more your friends than his. You say you've not been getting on well. Perhaps he's less willing to put himself out for something that you want to do (and he's not mad keen on) than he was in the past. I know when DH and I are not getting on brilliantly, I am much less inclined to want to go to his parents and spend a day listening to them ramble on chatting.

He's using the ex-parents bit as an excuse imho. You telling him to stay home then was what he wanted! He gets to not go (which he didn't want to do anyway) but blames you for snapping.

I would, as others have suggested, go with the dc and have a nice time without him.

[honeyroar]

I don't understand what people find weird about being friends with an ex's parents. I'm friends with my ex's parents, they're lovely people and supported me when their son was awful to me years ago. Our friendship has nothing to do with their son, we don't discuss him much, it's a normal friendship, we talk about what's going on in our lives. Some people found it weird that I am friends with them, but I'm still friends with some of his friends - no need to drop everyone nice just because you break up.. Luckily my husband is not one of the people that thinks it's weird. They're just my friends, same as any other friends, so he got to know them too and is happy to visit. They came to our wedding.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

I get what you're saying Frogs but I don't apply pressure like that. In fact DH has often behaved quite rudely (IMO and that of my family) but I let him do as he pleases because I don't like pressuring people. I get enough of that myself, I don't do it to others.