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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would anyone else put up with this untidiness?!

61 replies

user1488488748 · 11/03/2017 22:13

I'm a very tidy person and DH adopts a far more relaxed attitude around the house including hanging clothes on doors, stuffing clothes into drawers rather than folding them, waiting a day before washing dishes when it's his turn, leaving crumbs on surfaces, toothpaste out on the side, shoes not put away, not clearing up hairs properly after shaving (list goes on) and generally not doing very much without being prompted/'nagged' by me.

I feel like every day I am fighting a loosing battle to keep the place clean and tidy. We have had endless conversations about the above but very little changes. He assures me he will try to improve or claims he does intend to tidy but likes to do things in his own time rather than when I 'demand' he does them. Really though he does not see that he is messy and thinks his behaviour is normal and I am the nagging control freak!

Other than this issue our relationship is great, we get on well (when I'm not shouting about the mess!!!), he makes me laugh and he's without a doubt my best friend. He commutes and works full time but does do all our cooking both at the weekend and during the week. He will hoover when asked and 'tidy up' when prompted however even that is not done correctly or with care. When he washes dishes they are still greasy, wet washing is scrunched onto the washing line, doesn't hoover thoroughly etc etc, which leads to me redoing everything!!

We would have a perfect relationship without this hugely frustrating issue and it is really dragging me down. I'm tired of nagging!! Sad Please tell me I'm not alone Sad

OP posts:
LurpakIstheOnlyButter · 11/03/2017 22:17

Just yell 'emotional abuse' and LTB.

I've saved the rest of you from making any reply MN. I've covered it Grin

ragz134 · 11/03/2017 22:20

Perhaps you could split the chores so you do the things he is clearly not doing effectively and he does cooking, bins, whatever you feel he can handle that seems like an equal contribution? My DH doesn't clean but he does do school runs, take bins and recycling out, feed cats and clean litter trays. He washes up better than me but not often! I wash clothes, cook most of the time, vacuum and clean things. (It probably still isn't equal though!)

Mari50 · 11/03/2017 22:21

I'm quite untidy, my exP is anally tidy, we used to have so many rows. For me to be as tidy as him would require as much of a personality change as for him to relax to my untidiness. You need to meet halfway because otherwise you are imposing your ideals on him. That you say things 'aren't done correctly' is a bit of a tell. I'm afraid YABU.

Mari50 · 11/03/2017 22:22

Incidentally I'm very clean. I'm just disorganised.

Bluntness100 · 11/03/2017 22:23

I think you're married to my husband, not just because he does the exact same things, but because that's his line too, he wants to do it in his own time frame and not mine.

I tell him and nag him, he has improved over the years, but the man simply can't put a coat or shoes away. Belts are the worst, he loves to hang them randomly on the banisters. Dirty clothes lie on the unit at the end of the bed. With his clean ones. So as he does his own laundry I simply ball it all Up together and shove it in the wash basket.

I'm 27 years in and still haven't found a way to fix it. Just different approaches basically.to how to live, neither is wrong, so some tolerance is needed on both sides.

ragz134 · 11/03/2017 22:23

I have to add, my DH is tidier in general than I am, most of the mess is made by kids or me - he doesn't tidy as such but he doesn't make much mess (except in his workshop) I make a lot of mess, it seems.

PickAChew · 11/03/2017 22:26
PickAChew · 11/03/2017 22:30

Actually, no, we don't have the same DH because he won't leave dishes for a day. We both used to, pre-kids, but that would often still only end up being little more than a sink full, with us both working FT while, now, we can wash 5 or 6 sinks full in a day.

He leaves random unwashed things on the worktop, though - often more scattered than they were before he started.

highinthesky · 11/03/2017 22:34

Being untidy is one thing, OP.

Unfortunately it sounds like your DH is actually dirty. Dishes in the sink? Crumbs on surfaces? Stubble scattered around the bathroom? I dread to think how he leaves the toilet Shock.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 11/03/2017 22:37

I'm not obsessively tidy but every single one of your DH's habits would really annoy me.

Original poster
user1488488748 · 11/03/2017 22:40

highinthesky yes dirty probably is a better word to use. After 2 years of nagging the toilet seat is now put down after he's used it, but I have whilst cleaning I have had the misfortune of discovering he doesn't always have the best aim either! Hmm

I've reached the end of my tether with it all now but it's so difficult as he is so perfect in every other way Sad

OP posts:
user1487519954 · 11/03/2017 22:42

Agree with splitting chores - my dp isn't great at cleaning and I was always nagging him about it! Even when he did it, it was a half arsed job.
Now he does all the cooking and 90% of food shopping and I do the cleaning and washing, and it works much better. All I nag about now is tidying, and he's gradually getting better!

HotSince82 · 11/03/2017 22:49

Oh I could have written this OP.

The thing is, my DP grew up in what I would term a shithole.
My MIL is just an awful housekeeper full stop so its really the standard which my DP was raised with and I can't knock it out of him.

I've never told him that I think that he was raised in squalor I just cut him some slack and seethe inwardly.

Sorry probably not at all helpful but you have my sympathy and solidarity.

Ohyesiam · 11/03/2017 22:51

He's wrong. His level of ridings is really low.
Can t you divide it do he died the stuff he is good at ( cooking etc), and get him to pay for a cleaner, while you do the tidying to enable the cleaner to clean.

Trumpssyrup · 11/03/2017 22:55

Why is the "tidy person" always in the right by default? You want one thing, he wants another... You have to meet in the middle. You sound over the top and he sounds too lax! Nightmares both

Stripeymug · 11/03/2017 22:56

He does all the cooking? Is a bit messy? Sounds like my ideal man

EastMidsMummy · 11/03/2017 22:57

Crumbs on surfaces??

Oh the humanity!!!

Crunchyside · 11/03/2017 23:00

I think it's a tricky one because you can't expect your spouse to have the same high standards as you but on the other hand it's not fair for you to live with a slob and end up miserable because of it either. I have the same issue with my DH.

I suppose a bit of a compromise is best - for example if he wants to stuff things messily in his drawers, let him, as long as it's out of sight. But you do have reasonable grounds to demand that a dirty kitchen is unacceptable - it's unhygienic, and it's a communal area, embarrassing if you have an unexpected visitor and you have to make them a cup of tea in a kitchen that has dirty dishes piled up from the night before!

someonestolemynick · 11/03/2017 23:11

Speaking as the untidy half in a relationship:
I suggest you picture yourself with your DH 10 years down the line imagining that very little will have changed. Any improvement will be a bonus. You will still "nag" him about the same things you do now.

Why does he do it? If he's anything like me he will be genuinely not bothered by washing up in the sink or clothes scrunched into drawers. He might get rid of a few habits that annoy you (and regress when he's tired or stressed or ill).

He will not change. You two need to find a system/ compromise that works for you. Btw I'd advise you to not openly redo anything your DP does if you want him to pull his weight. When I moved in with DP he used to correct my sloppy work resulting in me feeling that there was no point in me doing anything. Resulting ultimately in more work for him.
Once he started to cut me some slack redo my sloppy work when I wasn't looking I was more prepared to pull my weight and contributed more.
What i'm trying to say is this: you are expecting your DH to perform a massive shift in his attitude, this is only fair if you do the same.
As you said that your relationship is great otherwise I'm confident you can come to a solution where neither party has to do all the compromising.

ChasedByBees · 11/03/2017 23:14

I'm a bit like your DH. I would like to be different but well, I'm not. I can see it would be irritating. But it's who he is.

Swirlingasong · 11/03/2017 23:15

I'm a messy person. Having to keep everything neat and tidy and worse, being nagged about it, is honestly really, really stressful. I imagine e it's similar to the stress you feel about mess. But more often than not, it seems to be assumed that the messy person should do all the changing.

You both need to compromise. Decide what really matters to you - the bathroom and kitchen need to be clean for health reasons, obviously, but if he doesn't fold his clothes in the drawer, does it really matter? Toothpaste or shoes in the wrong place, is it that much of a problem?

Twinnymummy16 · 11/03/2017 23:17

I haven't read all but I will give you the same advice my mum gave me when I moaned about hubby...."suck it up!, (in the nicest possible way) if you want a tidy house I'm afraid you will have to be the one that makes that happen. We think we have come along way since hunter gatherer and raising the children roles but really women have just adopted the hunter gatherer gene to add to our workload while men would rather just watch us buckle under the additional pressure while sitting in front of the TV swigging larger after a "stressful" day at work! I'm on my second hubby and he is much the same as the first. If you have one that is not as described, well done! Hang onto him! If you do have one like above pls make sure you raise your sons for the next generation.... domesticate them!

Viviennemary · 11/03/2017 23:18

It's quite hard for a tidy person and an untidy one. I'm quite untidy but DH isn't too bothered though he does get irritated at times. But if I was married to a tidy person it would be really difficult. I think I'd have to try and improve.

I agree with the last poster. Find something that you can both live with. Think whatever annoys you most like say dirty dishes and work on tackling that problem.

Salmotrutta · 11/03/2017 23:19

What works for me and DH is this:-

He does gardening, DIY, fixes cars, cooks, puts on washing, hoovers and irons his own stuff.

I dust, clean bathrooms, mop floors, cook, sew stuff like buttons and shit, and also hoover.

We both change bedding and look after grandchildren.

PickAChew · 11/03/2017 23:46

And agreeing with a PP, my DH grew up in a dirty house. When we first knew each other, he'd often have a shower at mine because he was staying with his parents after relocating back to the region (work related) and the bath was often full of shite that had been cleared out of the kitchen, or wherever, so he couldn't get near it.

He visits his mum a lot, now, as she's fairly recently widowed and not in the most robust of health, herself and does tend to pick up a cloth and wipe around, or run the vacuum cleaner round, while he's there, if he hasn't got something to fix or put together.

He's painting skirting boards, at the moment. Even that has taken years of training for him to stop being so fucking messy about it.

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