Would anyone else put up with this untidiness?!

[user1488488748]

I'm a very tidy person and DH adopts a far more relaxed attitude around the house including hanging clothes on doors, stuffing clothes into drawers rather than folding them, waiting a day before washing dishes when it's his turn, leaving crumbs on surfaces, toothpaste out on the side, shoes not put away, not clearing up hairs properly after shaving (list goes on) and generally not doing very much without being prompted/'nagged' by me.

I feel like every day I am fighting a loosing battle to keep the place clean and tidy. We have had endless conversations about the above but very little changes. He assures me he will try to improve or claims he does intend to tidy but likes to do things in his own time rather than when I 'demand' he does them. Really though he does not see that he is messy and thinks his behaviour is normal and I am the nagging control freak!

Other than this issue our relationship is great, we get on well (when I'm not shouting about the mess!!!), he makes me laugh and he's without a doubt my best friend. He commutes and works full time but does do all our cooking both at the weekend and during the week. He will hoover when asked and 'tidy up' when prompted however even that is not done correctly or with care. When he washes dishes they are still greasy, wet washing is scrunched onto the washing line, doesn't hoover thoroughly etc etc, which leads to me redoing everything!!

We would have a perfect relationship without this hugely frustrating issue and it is really dragging me down. I'm tired of nagging!! Please tell me I'm not alone

Hmm, I've just commented on another thread where the OP's partner is critical about how much housework she does. The cries of emotional abuse and LTB from posters on that thread are deafening. However, here we have the opposite, you say you nag (criticise) and shout (abusive) at your husband. So, the question is, do you consider yourself to be emotionally abusive for doing so? If a woman shouldn't be told what to do (and when to do it) by a man, why is the reverse situation acceptable?

You would drive me mental OP sorry to say

If it gets done I don't see what the issue is. My house has been a tip for a few days but today I blitzed it all. If OH had chosen to nag me about it on top of my full time job and caring for DC and gym and all the rest of it I might have roundhoused him a la Chuck Norris style.

I was an utter slob and then I had kids. If you don't sort it then and there it's much harder in the long run

Why is tidiness correct?

My DM is obsessively clean, but there are always newspapers, journals and books everywhere.

Why should the tidy person always be pandered to. As my lovely grandmother used to day. 'Those that see it and worry about it can do it'.

Chill out

I don't get the attitude "why is tidiness correct"

Of course being clean and tidy is the "right" way and being messy is the "wrong" way.

Just like eating healthy vs eating unhealthy.

I don't mean toys on the floor etc, I mean dirty dishes, toilets with skid marks, body/facial hair in sinks etc

SleepOhHowIMissYou, it's quite different from someone being told to iron the pillowcases in a certain way, to leaving your shaving gunk for someone else to clear up. One is controlling, the other poor personal hygiene. Neither are nice traits for someone else to have to live with.

YABVU with this phrase alone..... however even that is not done correctly or with care

Who are you to judge what is the "correct" way to do something? Why do you think your way is correct, and his, by default, is 'wrong' ??

If you are that uptight over your tidiness / cleaning that his contribution isn't up to your standards, then redistribute the jobs so you do the tidying ones and he does more of the other stuff. But do keep in mind that the "correct" levl is your opinion, and not a 'fact'

Yabu. I'd find you really annoying to live with.

AuntMabel, for all you know that other lady's partner may have been questioning why she bothered ironing pillow cases at all, not how she did it, afterall how exactly do you iron a pillow case wrong, is that possible?

Here we have a poster who openly admits nagging (criticism) and shouting (abuse, bullying) as well as exhibiting controlling behaviour, but as she's female then it's all hunky dory. No cries for her husband to flee the abuse, no helplines offered for him.

Do you not see the hypocrisy?

My husband is messy. He hoovers, washes dishes and dusts as well as other bits - but it's never to my standard 😳
He leaves crap out all of the time. I don't understand how he can walk out of a room without taking his empty cup with him, plate or chocolate wrapper etc.
It doesn't bother him, and I can't change him (he's the same after 27 years so won't change now). I feel like a cow saying this, as it's not like he drops wet towels on the floor like some folk do.
Still gets on my tits though.
Oh, and he never puts washing away - hangs it out but never seems to recognise the importance of putting it away!

Get a cleaner if you feel you're doing too much and he isn't interested. If he does an excess of stuff in other areas i.e. all the cooking then perhaps you could just do all the hoovering/washing up so it's done to your standard?

Then meet halfway on the rest.

The only thing on your list I'd find really unacceptable is the shaving debris not being cleared up, because that's dirty rather than untidy (same also for pee on the floor/toilet seat/anywhere that isn't in the actual toilet).

Clothes on doors - in the bedroom/bathroom fine, but not all round the house. Compromise.

Clothes stuffed in drawers - fine as long as they're his clothes in his drawers. You can put your stuff away however you see fit.

waiting a day before washing dishes when it's his turn - if you mean leaving the dinner dishes until the next morning (or evening if you're both at work) - again fine imo. If he's leaving breakfast stuff until the following evening so almost 48 hours, less acceptable. Get a dishwasher.

leaving crumbs on surfaces - this one would annoy me. I'd compromise somewhere else to get him to wipe up the crumbs.

toothpaste out on the side, and shoes not put away - wouldn't bother me (within reason).

Could have written that myself, you are not alone! I try to breathe and remember his good points 😂

If the dishes aren't washed properly and within your timescales get a dishwasher, so everything can be shoved in and the door closed. If the washing isn't hung up properly get a washer dryer. If the hoovering isn't done 'right' get a cleaner. If the clothes are crumpled and shoved into drawers send it out for ironing. You'll need to invest some cash because messy people don't miraculously become tidy. We just don't see it the same way you do, it's like we're wired different.

You see his dumped shoes as frustrating - he sees it as coming home after a long day and kicking off his work at the door. It's part of winding down, it means you're HOME and can relax. I get that it's your home too, and that you have different standards, but they're different, not 'right'. You find his mess stressful, he finds the constant need to be on 'tidy alert' stressful.

You need to work on finding a compromise and solutions other than nagging because if you get on otherwise it's a shame if this becomes a deal breaker. At the end of the day his stuff is his responsibility - so leave him to get on with his washing and have separate storage. Get a shoe store at the front door you or he can sling them into and shut the door on them.

And remember, you might be thinking "if only he was tidy he'd be perfect" but he's probably thinking "if only she could relax bit bit about the tidiness she'd be perfect."

I have yet to meet a self-loading dishwasher. Shall I try aol.com?

Why do people marry each other? Seriously why did you marry someone that was so polar opposite you, that living together was going to make them and you miserable.

If you are super tidy, living with someone this messy is irritating? If you are super lax, or it doesn't bother you, having someone nagg you every day is just miserable.

I just don't get why people don't realise these things in the first place? How long did it take you to realise? You met? When did you see their house/flat? Surely after 3 dates you realised? After a few months? So why did you carry on dating? Why move in? Why get engaged etc?

I find it puzzling.

Things that helped us

1. A weekly cleaner - knowing that everything gets properly cleaned once a week
2. Declutter - Marie Kondo style - much less tidying, everything looks better
3. Meeting halfway
4. Listening to each other - why does tidiness matter to you, why is he so messy?

In our cases: Tidiness/ cleanliness means a calm happy household (childhood experience a hectic messy stressful home). To the other, housework means drudgery as evidenced by downtrodden mother cleaning all day. Understanding perspectives helps us meet half way.

hopelessly very good points especially the analysis of why it is differently important for each of you

I am the messy one, even if I do something to what I think are to DPs standards there is always water splashed round the sink, knocked over tea cups, clothes stuffed in cupboards. I don't leave dirty mess but I do not see mess like he does and dyslexia/dyspraxia means there is always going to be some general mild chaos in my wake

We split into roles to what we can do best, he packs for holidays as can stuff twice as much in!

It is tough as we both work so little time to clean, but also he has lowered his standards as with DC we cannot spend all the time we have cleaning

That said I do feel slightly infantislised (sp?) by not being allowed to do the washing up as it will be messy, but we both make compromises to be with each other as the joy together massively outweighs this difference

Who are you to judge what is the "correct" way to do something? hmm Why do you think your way is correct, and his, by default, is 'wrong' ??

To be fair to OP, leaving dirt on dishes is clearly not the correct way to wash dishes...! Isn't the whole point of washing dishes to make them clean, not just to get them wet and leave dirt on them...?!

Thank you everyone for your comments, it's certainly very interesting to hear things from a different perspective and also reassuring to hear I am not alone!!!

Further to my post we have actually had another discussion this morning about his messiness/standards around the house which originally started with him getting very defensive. We eventually managed to have a good conversation about it where I explained how much it stresses me out, and he explained how much it stresses him out to be constantly nagged and then criticised for doing things wrong when he does actually do them. I do understand.

We have agreed that I will mention anything I see nicely and ask him to rectify it (whereas normally I appear to come across as demanding so I'm told) and equally he has made a note of the areas which annoy me the most (hair in skin, crumbs on side etc) and will do his best to rectify these issues so I don't HAVE to nag him!

I'm hoping his might improve my sanity!

*hair in sink!

Not skin

It's tricky, isn't it.

We get by with a lot of help from a twice weekly cleaner, agreement to keep the kitchen tidy and otherwise having his and her areas, where the relevant regime goes. I just avoid looking at his areas, jump like a tiger if he leaves anything in one of my 'tidy' areas. 7£&%# I was doing so well in not showing where i was the tidy one. Sigh.

Schnitzel. I did say tidiness not dirtiness.

Does it matter if clothes are taken straight from a clean pile Ina washing basket or from a drawer?

As I said DM is extremely clean and hygienic but books, papers and piles of ironed clothes are often hanging around.

BFF is very tidy, everything is in its place. But floors aren't mopped nor toilets cleaned as often as my SM's.

So. I don't think tidiness is all that as long as everything is clean.

DM's not SM's. Dear God!

You sound a bit like my DH. I used to do a lot more round the house but he'd go in afterwards and finish it 'properly'. Now I just let him get on with it. If he wants things doing his way, he can do them his way.
We actually argue much less with this arrangement. I do all the cooking too.

My DH is similar, although to be fair he washes dishes properly. And he is a loving, generous partner and a lovely hands on dad and a brilliant (if messy ) cook and he wouldn't think of not doing his share of evening/weekend chores and childcare (I'm the SAHM, he works full time).

But he is not naturally tidy, whereas I am. I have tendencies towards 'showhome' tidiness; he doesn't. I fold and smooth and wipe and tidy away as I go. He doesn't.

So we meet somewhere in the middle. We have dc and pets so it's never going to be immaculate, but we have a house that is rather less tidy than I would have if I lived on my own, but a lot LOT more tidy than it would be if he was in charge.

And I do pretty much all the tidying up. Because I enjoy it, and because mess bothers me, and because he's quite happy to live in a tidier house than he'd choose, but I would really struggle to live in a messier home than I'd choose.

I also do the cleaning, because it's easy enough for me to do given I don't work outside the home, but whilst DH would baulk at the idea of doing any cleaning himself, he'd hire a cleaner in a heartbeat if I was struggling.

He more than pulls his weight in other ways and as another poster says, why should he pander to my slightly obsessive over tidiness? I don't actually think my way is necessarily the best way, but it's the way I prefer it to be, and so if I want it that way then I do it myself.