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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Teenager being replaced

96 replies

Beachhutsally · 11/03/2017 19:23

Today 19:09 Beachhutsally

I'm fuming and sad .
My Dd - 14 has a small group of friends she hung out with for years.
Last Nov we went to Centre Parcs and took the four girls including Dd. It was around her birthday but wasn't a birthday trip. We had booked a three bed villa and had beds free. School had occasional day and we thought it would be nice for them all. We booked the weekend in July.
Anyway come Sept a new girl joins the school and is friends with two of the group including Dd.
Said girl came to our house for a sleepover and asked if she could come in the weekend. I explained about beds and CP don't allow extra guests. But I said to her and her mum they were welcome to come both come for the day.
But I said we often do trips etc she could come another time; after all we didn't even know her when we booked it. Girl was a bit glum
but I ignored that, thinking normal
Teenager but expected mother to understand.
Anyway roll forward to November and mum rings me about her daughter going to CPs. I explained about Day guests and gave her our booking number so she could book in . She would have had to pay the fee I think £35 (not sure). I also said we were happy to have her as long as mum/dad came too. This was our holiday too and while we were happy with four teenagers - five was a bit much.
Anyway the mum declined in the end as her and her husband were busy.
Well roll forward a few months and i
Obviously have upset them. The girl is no longer friend with Dd and completely blanks me when she sees me at pick up etc. I saw the mother at a coffee event and she was rude. I ignored .
Dd is now being replaced in the group by says girl. She invited them
all to do a sport with her and they are all
Sleeping over at her house . Dd does another sport and can't do this new sport too.
Anyway rambling now and probably not explaining well.
Please advice mr how do I and Dd deal with someone like this ?

OP posts:

Annesmyth123 · 12/03/2017 10:06

I read it as the mum rang because the op said she could come for the day so the mum was ringing for details?

arethereanyleftatall · 12/03/2017 10:07

ANnesmythe - I thinking you're projecting you're own situation on to this and not really reading the ops posts properly.

Centre parcs doesn't work like you want it to - you pay (a lot) per person per long weekend fri-mon. That covers your house and use of the pool. The day trips they offer, to friends of guests only, are exceptionally good value and have terms and conditions attached as the op detailed in her opening post.
It was really nice of the op to invite the girl as a day guest, and given how cp works, was the best she could do.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 12/03/2017 10:08

OP you know both this mum and your DD. Ignore the people cringing. You treated the mum in the same way she treated you when she asked about the CP invite.
I do think steering your DD to widen her friendship group and helping her to feel confident enough to refuse invites from this girl would be beneficial too. You don't want invites from this girl to become something to aspire to iyswim.

brasty · 12/03/2017 10:09

You are over invested in your DDs friendships.
You made it clear that you did not really want this girl coming by insisting her mum/dad came too to help supervise. Saying you are busy in that situation is a polite way of saying, since we are not welcome, we are not coming.
The other mum is not pushy. The girl asked you if she could come. You said yes for the day, so her mum followed it up. Only for you to make it clear with your conditions that it was not a genuine offer.
You have helped create this situation,but I doubt that you will see that.

Annesmyth123 · 12/03/2017 10:10

I agree it was nice of th op to invite the girl as a day guest - but I've no experience of centreparks and I wouldn't have known that there was a £35 charge and the op didn't appear to have told the mother that when she was saying that the other girl could come as a day guest. And she didn't say then in sept when she was saying come as a day guest that the mother would have to come too.

At a push I'd have driven to CP, paid the money and let DD go in herself. I could never have afforded for me to go too, or at least, justified it. One more would have made no difference for the day - they would have been doing their own thing at 14 (and they ALL would have been doing stuff you won't have neccesarilty approved of, that's what 14 year olds do)

Annesmyth123 · 12/03/2017 10:11

Brasty said it better than I did

brasty · 12/03/2017 10:12

And I suspect those saying the mother is spiteful are either not reading the posts properly, or have problems with friendships themselves.
OP step away from your DDs friendships. You are making her life harder.

AndKnowItsSeven · 12/03/2017 10:14

Four you could cope with but five tipped you over the edge? Yeah ok.

PlumsGalore · 12/03/2017 10:16

DD had this at sixth form, new girl joined the group, she had a car, slowly she manipulated th group to push DD out by enticing the remaining ones off for trips to McDonald's in the car or the seaside on a weekend etc, eventually one by one her long term friends realised they were being manipulated and that DD hadn't done anytibg to deserve being pushed away and their five year friendship group rejoined. Ms Manipulator is now low on friends, having done similar with several other groups. The sad thing is, they were happy to have her join the group on an equal basis but she simply wanted to be the lead of the group and choose who should be part of it.

brasty · 12/03/2017 10:19

Also if this girl is not friends with DD, why would she be invited? Friendship groups are not static.

CheeseQueen · 12/03/2017 10:23

My daughter is still friends with the rest of the group . They have been friends for years

So what's the problem then? Sorry, but at 14 you can't micro manage your child's friendships - seriously, step away from teenage girl politics, are you mad?!
Bad enough going through that crap as a teenager yourself without involving yourself in it voluntarily as an adult!
Your OP sounded like they'd all fallen out with your dd. If that isn't the case, and she still has her friendship group, then there's no problem.
You can't "make" people be friends and get on at that age.
Take a step back. You're getting too over-invested. Knowing teenage girls they'll probably be friends again by this time next week anyway....

BillSykesDog · 12/03/2017 10:27

So the pair, mother and daughter, instead of being reasonable and accepting that arriving as a new person doesn't make you friends for life and automatically given the same access as girls who have know each other for a fair while have chosen to be spiteful?

This is exactly the sort of nasty attitude which makes it so hard for new children at school to fit in and make friends. For a parent to take the position that there are two tiers of friends in the group and one is less important by dint of being newer is horrible. Making friends for life isn't based on privilege by knowing someone longer. People stay friends because they know their friend is a good and nice person who will treat them accordingly. Hence when these girls saw the OP and her daughter deliver trying to exclude this girl by making it difficult for her to attend they questioned their friendship because they questioned if this friend was really a decent person who treated other people well.

I don't see how the OP can complain about her daughter being excluded when she was happy to do it herself. Maybe the other mother should insist that the OP accompanies her daughter on all teenage outings and pays twice? Just so she can get an idea of how 'welcoming' her conditions were.

Annesmyth123 · 12/03/2017 10:31

BillSykes that's exactly the point I was long windedly trying to make.

The other mother hasn't imposed conditions that the op did. Which Ines being horrible and spiteful? The one who has said yes she can come I'll speak to DD or the one who said yes but xyz conditions have to be met?

Doyouwantabrew · 12/03/2017 10:35

Move on op.

My advice as a mum who has 2 teenage dds do not get overly invested in the friendship groups especially at 14 they are fluid and never fall out with another adult over the kids. It's mortifying for the kids themselves. Encourage your dd to have as many diverse friends and interests as possible and leave her to deal with her friendships as she sees fit.

Personally I wouldn't be hosting centre parks events either just take our dd to chill.

MatildaTheCat · 12/03/2017 10:39

Ringing the mother might well backfire on you. She was all lovely and friendly, invited your dd on her outing and all is well? Hmm. Wait and see. I very much doubt the other mother is happy to have been called on her behaviour and your dd might well suffer as a result.

Back off and leave your dd to it. Stop micromanaging her social life. The teen years are full of angst, drama and fall outs. An important way of learning to negotiate adult life with some poise.

Fingers crossed since you've done it now but in future, unless there is actual bullying going on, stay out of it.

Doyouwantabrew · 12/03/2017 10:43

arriving as a new person doesn't make you friends for life

Er nice

TheNewSchmoo · 12/03/2017 10:51

I'm puzzled, you posted that your daughter did another sport and can't do both?

Doyouwantabrew · 12/03/2017 10:53

I hope the ringing the mother won't backfire on your dd.

Mine would have been mortified that mummy was interfering in their lives st that age.

RhiWrites · 12/03/2017 10:59

Invite the girl to an event as you said you would and maybe she'll warm up to your daughter. Do it soon before the friendship dies and things are too frosty to reinstate.

BillSykesDog · 12/03/2017 11:03

Ringing the mother is going to make this even worse for your DD. You are going to look like a massive hypocrite. You basically insulted this family by implying that their daughter was far too badly behaved to be left alone for a few hours. You basically tried to exclude her and blame the exclusion on her. And now you have made it very clear that you're happy to dish out exclusions but can't take it when it happens to you.

That phone call was hypocritical and is just going to make you and DD look like belligerent bullies who are happy to dish out nasty behaviour but demand that your own feelings are given special consideration and treatment.

What you are saying to this family is 'We are better than you. We are more important than you. What we want goes.'

All the other girls are going to know that you phoned up and bullied an invitation for your daughter despite not being willing to extend the same sort of welcome in the opposite direction. I imagine it took the other mother all her strength not to demand that you did accompany DD and pay double.

I think getting this invitation is going to be a Pyrrhic victory for you. I doubt DD will be made particularly welcome (again she will be seeing what it's like when the boot is on the other foot) and it's going to give the other girls even more reason to distance themselves from her because it's just another example of you believing you are entitled to more privilege than other people and you're not prepared to treat other people the way you wish to be treated yourself. Not really qualities that anybody wishes to have in a friend.

Original poster

Beachhutsally · 12/03/2017 11:21

I know the other mother we meet as a group of mums regularly .
We live in rural area no buses or trains we have to transport our children from A to B.
The girls are 13/14 and 12/13 last year at CP.
I rang the other mother to say Dd was upset and maybe being over sensitive etc. I didn't ask for her to go to sleepover. She invited her.
However posters are right that it's not good to be overly involved in friendships and I will bow out now.
I didn't invite her daughter to CP the daughter asked to come. I explained to her that it was already booked , beds at CP etc and said we would take her another time . The mother rang up and asked if she could come. Again I explained about CP rules. One of the other mums was coming as a day guest so I mentioned that . In retrospect I would not take friends away again - yes our fault. It was our only holiday last year and all this wasn't nice.
I will encourage Dd to make new friends.
I generally don't get involved in situations but I feel I have to give the mum the benefit of the doubt.
I would hate to upset another child in this way and would rather a parent rang me .

OP posts:

BillSykesDog · 12/03/2017 11:33

You're completely changing your story now. The girl asked if she could come (which is exactly what you've just done, so you have no right to complain). You then invited her for the day. But when the other family followed it up you placed restrictive conditions on her attendance to discourage her from coming.

If you would 'hate' to upset another child like that then you shouldn't have done it yourself in the first place. You would much rather the parent rang you but you're moaning that the other mother did the same thing. You don't seem to be able to empathise with anybody but your daughter. Has it not occurred to you that the other mother has behaved far better than you did by trying to include your daughter when you asked than you did by grudgingly agreeing but attaching so many conditions that it was impossible for her to attend?

You should have learned a lesson here which is to treat others as you'd like to be treated yourself. You don't seem to have taken that in.

Annesmyth123 · 12/03/2017 11:36

I agree with Bill.

Sounds to me like you can dish it out but not take it.

Oliversmumsarmy · 12/03/2017 11:45

The op couldn't take the extra child without an extra adult as according to CP rules you have to 1 adult to 3 children /teens if you have 4 teens then you have to have an extra adult.

I don't see what the other mother has anything to bad mouth about. Seems to me mother and daughter are both shit stirring entitled bs.

Definitely avoid at all costs

LucklessMonster · 12/03/2017 11:45

Completely agree with brasty. You handed the Center Parcs thing very badly.

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