Teenager being replaced

[Beachhutsally]

Today 19:09 Beachhutsally

I'm fuming and sad .
My Dd - 14 has a small group of friends she hung out with for years.
Last Nov we went to Centre Parcs and took the four girls including Dd. It was around her birthday but wasn't a birthday trip. We had booked a three bed villa and had beds free. School had occasional day and we thought it would be nice for them all. We booked the weekend in July.
Anyway come Sept a new girl joins the school and is friends with two of the group including Dd.
Said girl came to our house for a sleepover and asked if she could come in the weekend. I explained about beds and CP don't allow extra guests. But I said to her and her mum they were welcome to come both come for the day.
But I said we often do trips etc she could come another time; after all we didn't even know her when we booked it. Girl was a bit glum
but I ignored that, thinking normal
Teenager but expected mother to understand.
Anyway roll forward to November and mum rings me about her daughter going to CPs. I explained about Day guests and gave her our booking number so she could book in . She would have had to pay the fee I think £35 (not sure). I also said we were happy to have her as long as mum/dad came too. This was our holiday too and while we were happy with four teenagers - five was a bit much.
Anyway the mum declined in the end as her and her husband were busy.
Well roll forward a few months and i
Obviously have upset them. The girl is no longer friend with Dd and completely blanks me when she sees me at pick up etc. I saw the mother at a coffee event and she was rude. I ignored .
Dd is now being replaced in the group by says girl. She invited them
all to do a sport with her and they are all
Sleeping over at her house . Dd does another sport and can't do this new sport too.
Anyway rambling now and probably not explaining well.
Please advice mr how do I and Dd deal with someone like this ?

[LucklessMonster]

The op couldn't take the extra child without an extra adult as according to CP rules you have to 1 adult to 3 children /teens if you have 4 teens then you have to have an extra adult.

No, that isn't why she wouldn't take her - it's obvious from the OP she didn't know that at the time. She refused because "This was our holiday too and while we were happy with four teenagers - five was a bit much." which is clearly nonsense.

[Astro55]

And another parent was going as a day guest

[Annesmyth123]

The op said it was family holiday. She didn't sent say she was a single parent. I assumed another adult - dad to DD - was there?

[scanbran]

OP I realized that there are Wendy parents who actively encourage this sort of thing. You need to back off and let your dd assess the situation for herself. You need to instill self respect within your dd; she shouldn't need to change sports etc in order to "keep them". If they are are her real friends they will include her.

[BillSykesDog]

OP I realized that there are Wendy parents who actively encourage this sort of thing.

Yes, like the OP. Oh but she's not a 'Wendy' is she? Purely because she's had the blind luck to have known these girls longer apparently that gives her the right to treat other people as badly as she wants and expect them to suck it up but chuck her toys out of her pram if the same things happen to her. Maybe we should come up with a nasty name for them. Mandys? Lucys?

[Tanith]

For those who can't read properly, from the OP:

Anyway come Sept a new girl joins the school and is friends with two of the group including Dd.
Said girl came to our house for a sleepover and asked if she could come in the weekend. I explained about beds and CP don't allow extra guests. But I said to her and her mum they were welcome to come both come for the day.

For goodness' sake, stop making up things in your heads for which to kick the Op. Some of you are coming across as spiteful bullies yourselves!

[BillSykesDog]

And for your benefit Tanith: I didn't invite her daughter to CP the daughter asked to come. I explained to her that it was already booked , beds at CP etc and said we would take her another time . The mother rang up and asked if she could come.

Which is not what the OP said in the original post you quoted. In that post she said that the girl asked and she invited them for the day then and the other mother rang to follow up the invitation. Then in her second post she changed her story to say she'd just said no and to come another time but the other mother rang her with no invitation to insist she came. So she's contradicted herself and is changing the story at will to present herself in the best possible light. And inviting both the mother and daughter is very different from insisting that the mother came to supervise. Perhaps you might want to brush up on your own reading skills before you criticise other people's?

[whofarted]

I agree with pp who think you're over invested op. I also don't understand why you'd pay for 3 friends to go to an expensive place like Center Parcs when it's not even a special treat. That would come across to me as trying to "buy" the friendships for your DD and a bit controlling and manipulative. When someone does it to you, you clearly can't handle it.

Teenage friendships can be very difficult. I spent many days and nights helping DD and DS (contrary to what some say, boys have these problems too) but all I could do was listen, hold their hands and tell them it would get better, which it always did. I wouldn't have dreamed of trying to steer the friendships in a specific direction, phone up other parents or complain that someone new was "replacing" my child, that really is OTT thinking in my opinion.

[unlucky83]

Another parent of a teen DD saying you have to back off .... friendships at this age are not something you want to get involved in - at most you can make some comment - that might make them think, they can take as advice.
My DD (who has been bullied in the past) has a long standing circle of friends - they are all 'odd balls' - and two of them especially are really lovely girls - extremely loyal. You could really trust them to always 'get your back'.
A new person joined their group ... through DD - she had a few classes with them and I had heard the odd thing about them and falling outs in their friendship group. They made some comment about it being so nice in DD's friend group as there were no squabbles/bickering...
Fast forward a bit - new person became DDs 'best friend'. They live quite a bit away and they started inviting DD to stay every weekend. DD and her local friends have met up on a Friday evening for years - new friend didn't want to come but started inviting DD to sleep over on Fri nights after school and got stroppy if DD said she didn't want to go - etc etc etc.
And there started to be dramas - ie new friend told DD another friend/acquaintance had said some horrible things about them - and DD -so DD broke off that friendship. New friend suddenly didn't like another friend and tried to get them excluded from the group....
I was worried but knew if I interfered it would back fire.
I just made the odd comment about how glad I was she had such great friends and how important true friends were, ones you could depend on (like lovely friends).
And warned her to be careful not to alienate her old friends as they had always been there for her and always would be.
Wasn't it funny how a small change -just a new personality in a group - could change the dynamic of things...
And yes it did all blow up...new friend fell out with DD for some reason I don't know (and no idea what she said about DD to her mum but apparently (according to the friend) DD was no longer welcome at her house - because she was manipulative and devious ...which DD really isn't, if anything too much the opposite...too naive, easy going, upfront and she is incredibly loyal too.)
(personally I nearly whooped with joy when I heard...but I was just sympathetic etc)
New friend has now left the school (for other reasons)
Thankfully DD still has her old friends and recently made some comment about how she is a bit sad she isn't friendly any more the person who had said nasty things about her and 'new friend' - couldn't understand why they had been so mean.... so I dropped a hint about maybe talking to them, asking them about it...

[Thinkingblonde]

I get it OP. The girl was rude and pushy to invite herself in the first place and her mother should have accepted that you couldn't accommodate her.

[Beachhutsally]

To the poster saying I contradicted myself -
New girl asks to come I explain booked already so no. But we would invite her another time . She was sleeping at our house at the time , Dad picks up -CP not mentioned.
We (husband and I) had invited all the other parents if they wanted to come for day. CP day tickets are limited and need to be booked in advance to guarantee. You can only go as invitation of a guest staying there. We would have provided food drink etc in lodge. We are not rich enough to pay for everyone as far as day passes.
New mum rang me up to ask about CP and I then said about them coming for the day. It would have been rude not to as had invited other parents. My Dd may have mentioned it to new friend.

I'm not going to comment any further . I appreciate all your posts . I accept I mucked up in making a booking for three friends - never again . I like new girl and will continue to invite her over etc. I will encourage my daughter to make new friends.

[ElsieMc]

I am just sorry for your dd here. I cant believe anyone on here is saying you are being unreasonable. Your poor dd is being ostracised by this girl, supported by her horrible, unkind mother who is trying to push your dd out of her friendship group.

I recall my own dd's teenage years and my younger dd went through all of this. One mother actually called around at my house to make sure I got the message that my dd was not a "suitable" friend for her precious dd and intimating how inferior we were as a family. I wish I had told her to fuck right off, but I didn't to protect my dd.

There was also the mother, who after our family finding out our eldest dd was pregnant at 15, rang me to tell me I wasn't to discuss it within earshot of her dd because she had a clarinet exam and the shock (and shame) may put her off her exams.

Forget about the CP weekend and concentrate on supporting your dd. Its easy to say friendship groups are fluid at this age, but it is of monumental importance to your young dd. She has to brave the school environment each day when she does not know if she will be made welcome within her established (safety net) friendship group.

I hope she finds some other friends who are a bit kinder to her.

[PollytheDolly]

You are not being unreasonable OP. You've tried to accommodate this girl. Her mother needs to bloody grow up and stop teaching her daughter to treat others in this way. It's not nice.

[picklemepopcorn]

You weren't unreasonable, OP. I hope the friendships sort themselves out.

[midcenturymodern]

If someone invited my teenager for a day at CP I would definitely assume it meant I could drop them off at the gate and pick them up later rather than go all day myself, especially given that the other girls weren't expected to have their parents supervising them. I had CP day passes lots of times and got them for other people and iirc you can go from 10am -midnight so for a hell of a lot of people a round trip at 10am and another one at 9pm ish is doable in a way that an entire day in CP isn't. It makes it seem like you didn't really want her and that sort of thing is difficult to not take personally. (I would expect to pay for them though)
It doesn't make sense that you wanted the mother there because you couldn't handle 5 girls but also say the mother would have joined you for lunch/spa while the girl's were off on their own. However well intentioned, it comes across like you didn't want her to go.

[busymummy3]

Can I just ask what on earth a "Wendy" is ? I have seen it twice now once to describe a child and once to describe parents.
Have never heard of this term before is it another example of Mumsnet speak !

[Bleu2]

I think you were very accommodating and kind to offer the CP day pass. The other girl & her mother were very rude & pushy; ugh----can't bear people like that.
I wouldn't have phoned the mother yesterday though re the sleepover. Just no.

[Astro55]

Wendy - makes a friend then gets herself introduced the group and then ousts the original friend - this taking over - usually by taking over plans and excluding the friend - all while being ultra charming and friendly

[pictish]

Exactly Astro. Some people don't believe Wendies exist. Those people have clearly never encountered one themselves.
However, there's no way the sleekit Wendying cunts could operate without a bunch of feckless, ninny-headed twats to go along with it.

[kali110]

I don't think you mucked up inviting the 3 friends! You didn't know this girl when you booked it! Why shouldn't you have invited them!
Encourage your dd to make new friends.