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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Teenager being replaced

96 replies

Beachhutsally · 11/03/2017 19:23

Today 19:09 Beachhutsally

I'm fuming and sad .
My Dd - 14 has a small group of friends she hung out with for years.
Last Nov we went to Centre Parcs and took the four girls including Dd. It was around her birthday but wasn't a birthday trip. We had booked a three bed villa and had beds free. School had occasional day and we thought it would be nice for them all. We booked the weekend in July.
Anyway come Sept a new girl joins the school and is friends with two of the group including Dd.
Said girl came to our house for a sleepover and asked if she could come in the weekend. I explained about beds and CP don't allow extra guests. But I said to her and her mum they were welcome to come both come for the day.
But I said we often do trips etc she could come another time; after all we didn't even know her when we booked it. Girl was a bit glum
but I ignored that, thinking normal
Teenager but expected mother to understand.
Anyway roll forward to November and mum rings me about her daughter going to CPs. I explained about Day guests and gave her our booking number so she could book in . She would have had to pay the fee I think £35 (not sure). I also said we were happy to have her as long as mum/dad came too. This was our holiday too and while we were happy with four teenagers - five was a bit much.
Anyway the mum declined in the end as her and her husband were busy.
Well roll forward a few months and i
Obviously have upset them. The girl is no longer friend with Dd and completely blanks me when she sees me at pick up etc. I saw the mother at a coffee event and she was rude. I ignored .
Dd is now being replaced in the group by says girl. She invited them
all to do a sport with her and they are all
Sleeping over at her house . Dd does another sport and can't do this new sport too.
Anyway rambling now and probably not explaining well.
Please advice mr how do I and Dd deal with someone like this ?

OP posts:

pictish · 12/03/2017 00:07

I don't think you were obliged to accommodate new girl at CP at all, as it was arranged before she was a factor. That's how it rolls.
She was very bold to ask to be included and her mother was inappropriate to pursue it further so I think you clutched at straws inviting her along for the day because you felt you had to offer something. You didn't have to and I think it would have been better to have kept it at a simple "not this time".

Anyhoo - that doesn't help now. I would advise encouraging your dd to widen her friendship group. I don't doubt that new friend means to chase your dd out of the picture but as shitty as that is, there's nothing to be done if the other girls go along with it.
Fwiw, it's no reflection on your dd.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 12/03/2017 00:16

I don't think OP has done anything wrong. the CP holiday was booked before anyone even knew of the existence of this new girl so it was booked and paid for on the basis of the friendship group at that time.

New girls comes along, and I understand that she wants to be included in the group, but the terms of the pre-existing booking made that impossible. So OP offered the best she could which was a one day guest stay. Given that the request to join the group came from the girl's mum, I don't see anything at all wrong in saying that they would have to pay. I think maybe OP could have offered to look after the girl without insisting the mum came too, but it would have changed the dynamic of the group and presumably OP would be responsible for getting her to the train station or wherever.

There are a number of threads on here where someone posts that their DS (4/6/9/10/11) has been invited to something and his mum thinks little bro (2/3/5/8) should be able to go too so asks AIBU to phone up the other mum and ask if junior can come too. The vast majority of replies are that it would be rude and inappropriate. This is the same scenario but with the boot on the other foot, so why is OP getting slated by some posters for not immediately including the new girl - whose mum rang to ask that she be invited - amid claims that she's deliberately leaving her out?

bloodyteenagers · 12/03/2017 00:22

How can a person be purposely left out when a holiday was booked and paid for 2 months before another person was met?
Does this mean that I have to book extra tickets for an upcoming thing just in case
Someone joins a friendship group? Don't be so fucking ridiculous.

She asked and was told no. There's no room. Deal with it.
Mother contacted op and was told no however if she wants to join for the day then here's the deal. But it turns out parents were too busy. But let's guess op should have driven back to get this girl? Erm no.

Op how can you support your dd?just be there for her. If any of the girls were proper mates they will realize themselves what's going on and come back to her. Just remind her that corned ships are fluid and over her lifetime they will naturally come and go.

pictish · 12/03/2017 00:24

"How can a person be purposely left out when a holiday was booked and paid for 2 months before another person was met?
Does this mean that I have to book extra tickets for an upcoming thing just in case
Someone joins a friendship group? Don't be so fucking ridiculous."

Well yes. I'm glad you said that. This place is fucking nuts sometimes.

SallyGinnamon · 12/03/2017 00:24

I'm so sorry for your DD. It's not a great age friendship wise unfortunately. My DD has had similar issues a few years ago.

She is still friendly with her original group but is also friends with other groups too. This has been built up slowly and was tricky for a while.

I'd say the same for your DD. Be the bigger person and continue to invite all within that group rather than exclude 'Wendy'. Try after school activities with others outside the group so she can get some alternate friendship groups then she isn't so dependent on one group. Generally widen her social circle rather than rely on BFFs.

Also, she'll be choosing GCSEs this year and might me sitting with different people in class. Another opportunity to widen her circle.

Closedenv · 12/03/2017 00:28

Exactly what I was going to say thedevilmademedoit!

OP I guess you have to just help your DD cope. Sadly people, young and old, are fickle about others when they are not the ones being left out. Nothing you could have done, and it seems the girl and her mother are the kind of people who just don't understand the plain and simple truth.

BillSykesDog · 12/03/2017 00:31

I thought it was all fine until the bit where you insisted she be brought by her mother because an extra teenager for the day would be 'a bit much'. If you had three teenagers extra one more wouldn't have made much difference, it's not like they're toddlers. It sounds like you wanted to exclude her but now you don't like it when the boot is on the other foot.

GwenStaceyRocks · 12/03/2017 00:32

You did nothing wrong. The other mum is being a bitch. I'd just keep an eye on it to make sure it doesn't turn into bullying.
At our school, the teaching staff would want to be aware of something like this so they could make sure it didn't escalate in school but I know lots of other schools wouldn't be that proactive.
Take your DD's lead on how she wants to deal with the 'new' girl but also empower her stop inviting the new girl along if she feels she is deliberately trying to isolate DD.

dowhatnow · 12/03/2017 00:34

They sound horrible.

BillSykesDog · 12/03/2017 00:37

The mother wasn't inappropriate to pursue it further. At that point the OP had extended the invitation for the day so she was absolutely within her rights to follow it up.

I just don't understand why the whole conditions were applied to this other girl coming. As long as she could get there and back under her own steam I don't see why the mother needed to come. It would have been an extra £35 for the mother to sit around doing nothing all day while her child went off with her friends.

A 14 year old doesn't need an adult with them all day. If I was in the position of the other mother I would think OP was being awkward because she wanted to exclude.

JoJoSM2 · 12/03/2017 00:44

How is a 14 year old meant to get to CP on her own? Of course, one of her parents was required to get her there and back on the day. So it made sense they were invited along rather than asked to make 2 trips in a day.

HarrietSchulenberg · 12/03/2017 00:54

If it's any consolation, at about the same age another girl "muscled in" on my best friend, who I'd known for years. She would arrange for us all to go somewhere then "forget" to get her dad to pick me up too. She invited my friend on a very expensive holiday and made a big deal about every visit to my friend's house when I wasn't there.
Friendship lasted a year before my friend got bored of her. In that year I'd made new friends so my old best friend joined right in with the rest of us.
We are all still friends now although the pushy friend-stealer has fucked off to the far side of fuck and she's never been heard of again (apart from when I nosied on her FB page to find she's either living a very glamorous life or she's a huge faker).
At no point did our parents get involved and we'd all have been mortified if they had.

Oliversmumsarmy · 12/03/2017 00:59

But you did leave the girl out on purpose, or at least didn't make it very easy to try and accommodate her

Unless the op had a crystal ball and the ability to see the future how was she to know and how was the girl supposed to get to and from CP without her mum.

Maybe the op thought inviting the mum along she could get to know the mum and have someone to chat to during the day

BackforGood · 12/03/2017 01:08

YABU to get involved, yes.
Your dd is 14. Teen friendships - well, friendship throughout life really - are fluid. At 14, the last thing a teen needs is her mother butting in.

Oh, and I should imagine it is the girl that is inviting friends round for a sleep over, not the mother.

BillSykesDog · 12/03/2017 01:17

She could have got on a train then a taxi. She's 14 not 5! Even if that wasn't an option her mother dropping her off and picking her up would have been fine.

Of course it would make sense to invite the mother along to make it easier for her, but that wasn't what the OP did, she didn't just invite her, she said she had to be there all day for the daughter to go, a condition which apparently didn't apply to the other girls. That alone was really rude.

Original poster

Beachhutsally · 12/03/2017 08:50

Thank you again everyone , especially posters giving advice on friendship etc. That's advice I wanted.
Just to explain more we did invite the parents to come with the girl for the day. The mum would have had to drive her there anyway. While in CP the girls were off on their own and we invited the parents to join us for lunch or in spa etc.
Not to drip feed but the new girl is rather spirited as is one of the other girls and I had witnessed them mucking about previously . So we didn't trust them to go off swimming etc alone .
We were taking four girl including my daughter the new girl would have made five teenagers.
In retrospect I would never take more than one friend away again. Had we only invited one friend this situation wouldn't have arisen.
And to update I rang the mother last night and explained how my daughter felt. (My daughter had rang me in tears , which is why I interfered , generally I don't get involved).
The mum was very friendly and said my daughter could go too. She said it hadn't occurred to her that she had invited the group and not Dd.

So I will step back now and see what happens next. Encourage Dd to make new friends.

OP posts:

pluck · 12/03/2017 09:32

What a nightmare family! Most of us parents want our children to have friends, but pushing in to an existing arrangement is pushy enough to get some backs up, let alone going on to "punish" you and your DD for not bowing to them. They (this girl snd her mother) will never be trustworthy friends because they're too used to putting tgemselves first, to the detriment of others. This is a good lesson for your DD in detecting controlling and entitled people.

Annesmyth123 · 12/03/2017 09:36

I can't believe you rang the mother.

Your DD is likely to get teased for that, you do know that? How are you going to deal with that?

You have to leave them to sort this type of minor stuff out in their own. In my opinion.

Astro55 · 12/03/2017 09:42

I wouldn't ring the mother either - unless a life long friend - I help my daughter find some other friends - not much fun going somewhere you know youre not wanted or invited in the first place!

I think this will lead to a bigger fall out - be prepared!

NotCarylChurchill · 12/03/2017 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Annesmyth123 · 12/03/2017 09:49

I'm not lashing out. I think at 14 this is normal friendship stuff and I wouldn't be ringing the mother to insist DD was invited.

What would you have done, op, if she had said, no, I have teens to cope with she can come for half the event, but it's £35 each and you have to come and stay because I saw your DD larking around so that's £70 for the event I'm so generously allowing you to bring your DD too, even though she isn't really wanted there?

Astro55 · 12/03/2017 09:50

Or some of have 14 year old girls and understand the rocky road of friendships - they are still learning the ropes of how they should be treated - If you are excluded they have either forgotten or doing it on purpose - I would expect it's on purpose - I know DD speaks of X Y and Z tagging along and she doesn't enjoy their company so either won't go or suck it up - but she has to manage that without being spiteful - some girls are just spiteful and we have to steer round them and keep out of their way

Coastalcommand · 12/03/2017 09:57

You rang the mother up?!!
I'm cringing a bit just thinking about that. If I was 14 I have hidden in my room for a month.
Please try not to get so involved in your daughter's friendships. It's through these years that we learn about much of life. Will you still be doing this when she's 24 or 34?

CrochetQueenfromCoventry · 12/03/2017 10:05

I think it was rude of the girls mum to ask for an invite. I would never have done that. It's unreasonable to expect you to go out of your way accommodate an extra child.

There are a few of times that my daughter hasn't received an invite to a sleepover/hang out. I've just sat her down and discussed the fact that sometimes circumstances mean they can't or don't want to send an invite. AND THATS OK and we discuss how to accept that. Then We usually plan to do something fun together instead.

That said, children's relationships change SO much over the year.

humourless · 12/03/2017 10:06

So the pair, mother and daughter, instead of being reasonable and accepting that arriving as a new person doesn't make you friends for life and automatically given the same access as girls who have know each other for a fair while have chosen to be spiteful?

What a lovely pair. Best avoid. As for your DD what can I say? Women and girls do act like this for their entire lives and you have to learn to cope early to get through. Social exclusion is what women and girls do, I'm not sure why but men don't do it.... I say this as a committed feminist.

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