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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

was she insensitive or am I just jealous?

52 replies

deliverdaniel · 10/03/2017 22:16

My friend has 2 DDs. I have 2 DS's of similar age. I have been desperate for a third child, and it hasn't worked out so far. We have had some fertility treatment but it hasn't worked so far. I am getting older and we are reaching the end of the line with the process. I am coming to terms with the fact that it is unlikely to happen for us.

My friend also relatively recently decided to try for a 3rd child. Today she texts me a picture of a positive preg test. I texted back how thrilled I was for her/ congratulations etc etc - I am happy for her, although inside I couldn't help feeling very sad and envious for myself. Anyway, just after texting she calls me full of excitement about it, "is it too early to buy baby clothes" "can't wait" etc etc.And then she says: "but with my luck, this one will be a boy- it would be just my bad karma to get a boy- payback for all the times I've said how great it is to have two girls." We have two boys. For some reason I was just so hurt that she thinks that having a boy is some terrible thing/ something to be pitied. I don't really have an issue with the gender of my kids (I would love to have a DD, but equally would love another DS.) But I was so devastated after the call and can't work out whether I am just jealous, or whether she was being really insensitive on the boy thing. Any thoughts?

OP posts:

WhooooAmI24601 · 10/03/2017 22:17

She was being terrifically insensitive and fairly thoughtless, too.

Also, as a parent of two boys I wouldn't swap them for girls for all the money in the world, boys are amazing. She's clearly deluded and one of those "look at my amazing life" sorts.

Original poster

deliverdaniel · 10/03/2017 22:23

thanks v much for replying. Yeah- I'd never swap my boys in a million years. I did think I wanted a DD but now I realise I just want another baby, boy or girl. But I have heard so much anti-boy stuff and it really gets me down. I also feel a bit as though she was throwing her pregnancy in my face a bit- of course she should tell me and I am also happy for her, but maybe she could have handled it a bit more sensitively considering how much she knew I wanted this...But not sure if that's fair or not.

OP posts:

WhooooAmI24601 · 10/03/2017 22:26

I think it's fair to expect a close friend to think through their comments before opening their mouth. It's also fair to expect a close friend to not disparage what you have.

I'd love another DC too. Not a girl (which lots of people assume I'm desperate for) but just another child. It's not possible now and it's a strange feeling, knowing if things were different our family might have been added to. Sending hugs and because it sucks and she sounds like she had her head in her backside when she sent those messages.

8DaysAWeek · 10/03/2017 22:28

Does she know of your struggles ttc a third? If so, she was very insensitive on how she told you her news. Of course she should be able to tell you and you should respond positively, but if I was her I'd be so much more tactful.

And it's just weird, and quite astonishing, that she would say to a mum of 2 boys that having a boy would be bad karma etc. How odd. She's clearly very self-absorbed.

PixiePlunge · 10/03/2017 22:30

My sister used the fact that she may have a boy as a reason not to have a second child.

She then fell pregnant and had a boy.

A boy who is now her absolute world.

People talk shit about things they've never experienced.

DesertSky · 10/03/2017 22:31

Very insensitive all round.

minimonkey11 · 10/03/2017 22:32

I've never understood the preference for either gender - a child is a child. I have one of each - a boy first and would have been happy with another boy but had a girl who is brilliant! She was being insensitive at best and just rude at worst. Keep trying though and be happy for her - but dont tolerate downright unnecessary rudeness. Ps you are allowed to be a bit jealous - you are human xxx

littlewoodentrike · 10/03/2017 22:32

It was incredibly rude and insensitive of her. Also, I agree with you that when I have another one (hopefully!), I want a 'baby', not a 'boy' or a 'girl'. I am very lucky to have one of each, and they are both brilliant, but both have their difficulties. I think you are incredibly lucky to have two boys, but I would still be offended by her comments, just as I am offended when people tell me I won't need to have another child as I have one of each! She's probably kicking herself now for saying it. It's not just you being silly, but try to let it go over your head.

Hidingtonothing · 10/03/2017 22:33

She was insensitive on two counts, she could have told you she was pregnant in a more tactful way (assuming she knows you are ttc/having treatment) and she was downright offensive about the DS/DD thing. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better but, other than confirming she was indeed an insensitive arse, I guess there isn't really Enjoy your lovely boys and try not to let her get under your skin, I will be hoping for a last minute miracle for you, you sound like a lovely mum

Jenniferb21 · 10/03/2017 22:35

Yes I think she's being very self centered but it's possible in all her excitement she overlooked how insensitive she was being.

Try to focus just on you and hopefully her comments are just a one off it she's a good friend I'm sure she wouldn't have meant to have hurt your feelings

Original poster

deliverdaniel · 10/03/2017 22:36

Aw thanks everyone for your lovely comments- they make me feel much better.

Yes she knows about our struggles ttc. we were v close neighbors and so she saw us through all the IVF etc and we talked about it all the time. I want her to feel she can share her news too of course, and not to feel weird about it, but still- this seems a bit ott. And the boy thing just really hurts for some reason. Even though I know that boys are fab, (as are all kids) it's just weird and horrid feeling like you are some object of pity or something.

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Ohyesiam · 10/03/2017 22:36

Whether she knows your are TTC or not, she knows she is being really rude to you as you have sons. Tact is a given in friendships I would say, she sounds smug and boasty .
It's really ok to say " ow, that hurts, I love my boys " , it's non confrontational, and should shed some light for get on how to speak to friends.

Ohyesiam · 10/03/2017 22:37

Her, not get

ElspethFlashman · 10/03/2017 22:38

People who have never had boys are sometimes a bit leery of having one. They seem to have massive misconceptions about what it's like. Like you may as well be giving birth to a wild animal.

Boy cuddles are amazing - they're so joyous. You just have to try to avoid the flailing elbows and knees and squeeze the life out of the squishy bits.

She was a thoughtless arse to say it to the Mum of boys though. But then someone who's already talking about buying baby clothes before the pee is even dry on the stick ain't thinking straight.

pudding21 · 10/03/2017 22:38

I'm not planning on any more kids (I've recently just split up with OH) , 2 boys (9&5) and I would be delighted if I did have more to have another boy. Boys (and girls) are fabulous, kids are just fabulous. A girl would be welcomed too.
Sometimes I wonder if people say things like that cos they feel they have too.

Original poster

deliverdaniel · 10/03/2017 22:39

ohyesiam- that's a great suggestion. might use that wording in future for other stuff too- you're right- it makes the point wihtout being confrontational

OP posts:

JustSpeakSense · 10/03/2017 22:44

She was very insensitive (and what a stupid thing to say as if boys are a 'second prize')

Is she usually such a knob?

BakeOffBiscuits · 10/03/2017 22:44

Gosh she's being incredibly insensitive. She knows you've had fertility treatment and she has made the nasty comment about boys. (And I say that as someone with two DDs).

Is she usually that rude?

TheWoodlander · 10/03/2017 22:45

Er, yes, she was horrible. I have known a few women, with just girls, that have said things like "I don't do boys" and it's totally ridiculous. Laughable. They're children. Your children.

Of course, when one of these women goes on to actually have a boy, they invariably adore the socks off them, because little boys are adorable. Mainly

She really needs to engage brain before mouth.

OboePlayingImmortalRabbit · 10/03/2017 22:46

for you, deliver

No, she wasn't being very sensitive.

Boys are great (I have one)

Original poster

deliverdaniel · 10/03/2017 22:46

she's usually a good friend but has said a couple of weirdly insensitive things in the past. I'm not quite sure why or where it comes from. She can be one of those people constantly posting about how perfect her life is on fb so I wonder if it's something to do with that....

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TheWoodlander · 10/03/2017 22:48

Oh, and my adorable little boys have now grown into smelly teens and I still adore the socks off them, of course. Just as I do my little girl.

ohtheholidays · 10/03/2017 22:54

All children are great no matter weather you have boy or a girl.

We have 5DC,3 Boys and 2 Girls and they're all whirlwinds of love and nuttiness in just the right amounts

Your friend was being an Arse!

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 10/03/2017 22:55

I bet she thought she was being sensitive! Do you think she said she wants a girl because people often assume everyone wants one of each? So she is saying she diesnt wanr one of each so if she has a boy .. I know what i mean but clearly cant find rhe words!

Longtime · 10/03/2017 22:58

This boy/girl thing riles me from both sides. I have two boys then a big gap (crappy pregnancies) then a girl. Ds2 and dd are similar in character with ds1 having a very different personality. Each child is different and the whole lumping all boys or all girls together as one personality type is ridiculous. I have had mums of all boys say to me "oh I'm glad I didn't have a girl, they are so difficult as teenagers". My dd has been an absolute dream. People spout such crap.

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