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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

was she insensitive or am I just jealous?

52 replies

deliverdaniel · 10/03/2017 22:16

My friend has 2 DDs. I have 2 DS's of similar age. I have been desperate for a third child, and it hasn't worked out so far. We have had some fertility treatment but it hasn't worked so far. I am getting older and we are reaching the end of the line with the process. I am coming to terms with the fact that it is unlikely to happen for us.

My friend also relatively recently decided to try for a 3rd child. Today she texts me a picture of a positive preg test. I texted back how thrilled I was for her/ congratulations etc etc - I am happy for her, although inside I couldn't help feeling very sad and envious for myself. Anyway, just after texting she calls me full of excitement about it, "is it too early to buy baby clothes" "can't wait" etc etc.And then she says: "but with my luck, this one will be a boy- it would be just my bad karma to get a boy- payback for all the times I've said how great it is to have two girls." We have two boys. For some reason I was just so hurt that she thinks that having a boy is some terrible thing/ something to be pitied. I don't really have an issue with the gender of my kids (I would love to have a DD, but equally would love another DS.) But I was so devastated after the call and can't work out whether I am just jealous, or whether she was being really insensitive on the boy thing. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
fortheloveofcheese · 10/03/2017 23:05

grrr i can't stand females with gobs like that. tbh OP it was probably a bit of both, you are feeling envious which i totally get but she was certainly insensitive and thoughtless. ffs what's wrong with having a boy Confused. i would have dearly LOVED to have had a boy when i was ttc (unsuccessfully) for dc No. 2. i have a dd whom i love with all my heart but the lucky cow is pg with another child! she has no idea how lucky she is. bet it didn't take her long to conceive either. best of luck OP with TTC No. 3. personally, i would distance myself from her as i can't be around someone so totally focused on herself, i am assuming she knows you have, so far, unsuccessfully tried for child No. 3?

Annie592 · 10/03/2017 23:07

I find people who say things like this really strange. If a friend said this to me, I'd just say, not confrontationally but just in a genuinely puzzled way- 'why are you saying how awful it would be to have a boy to me, when you know I have boys?' I'm sure she'd make some kind of excuse about it being about her and not being personal, but at least you'd have called her out on it, and she might think twice before being quite so rude again.

Cantusethatname · 10/03/2017 23:07

I have 4 boys.
i had a neighbour like this who used to say things like, bet you wish you had a girl, (like her) I used to think there is no way on God's earth I would swap one of my boys for your little madam!

PeridotPeridot · 10/03/2017 23:10

Maybe it was just worded badly. Although a lot of people think one or more of each b/g is perfect, plenty of others are nervous of having the opposite sex after getting used to one IME.

I'm one of those...we have two ds's and I'm pregnant with ds3. I must admit I gave a huge sigh of relief when we found out this was a third boy. Not that we wouldn't love a dd obviously...but we're used to boys, I know boys, a lot of our household activities are generally 'boys' activities (please no sexism jibes but hopefully ynwim).

This dc was unplanned a huge shock and it took us a few weeks to get our heads around the pregnancy, stop freaking out and start getting excited...which we did. But I can remember commenting to Dh along the lines of 'and you watch now, with our bloody luck this will be a girl as well'. Which was nothing against girls, just that I strongly felt another boy would slot into our family easier.

Original poster
deliverdaniel · 10/03/2017 23:11

yeah- she has got form for saying some insensitive things. Eg when we had just had a 2nd failed IVF attempt for DS2 she said something like "oh I always get pregnant straight away- if I don't get my period by 12 o'clock on the day its due I know I'm pregnant" or similar.

OP posts:
Original poster
deliverdaniel · 10/03/2017 23:12

peridot I totally get that. but would you have said similar to someone with two girls?

OP posts:
FourToTheFloor · 10/03/2017 23:31

It was very insensitive of her and downright bitchy quire frankly to text you the pregnancy test.

However I say I categorically do not want a boy as I have 2 dd and I don't want anymore, I'm very happy with my family thanks. It shuts down all those 'will you try for a ds' stupid questions.

ollieplimsoles · 10/03/2017 23:35

Shes an idiot op, just let her get on with things. So sorry you have had difficulties in the past and present.

watch her have a boy

Flipthebirdy · 10/03/2017 23:38

I experienced something very similar-friend knowing I had been struggling to conceive for years and going through IVF calling me to tell me her fantastic news without any mention of what she knew I was going through. I felt guilty that my immediate reaction was not very positive at all.

My first thought when I read your post was 'is this woman really a friend??' After seeing your further posts about her insensitive comments about her getting pregnant easily I would say that she isn't. She's either incredibly insensitive and idiotic or she is being deliberately malicious.
I would be transparent and tell her that although you are happy for her, it makes you feel sad being that you have been trying to conceive. If she doesn't show that she understands that immediately then definitely not a friend.

Longtime · 11/03/2017 00:01

And there we have it. A mum of three boys saying they wouldn't want a dd. You would have loved dc3 just as much had he been a girl peridot and you wouldn't have given a monkey's about fitting in with boy activities. For the first years you wouldn't have even noticed the difference.

After my long gap due to crappy pregnancies I had a missed miscarriage so we didn't find out baby had died until some weeks later at a scan. Some really insensitive comments followed about us being lucky to already have two healthy dc etc. Through testing we discovered baby was a girl. Suddenly people were much sadder for us because of course it was much sadder to have lost a girl than a boy given that we had two boys Hmm. Pregnant with dd, faced with the possibility of a crappy pregnancy either at the beginning or at the end, I didn't care if she was a green alien. A lot of people don't have the luxury of worrying about the sex of the child because they won't fit in with activities.

Original poster
deliverdaniel · 11/03/2017 00:41

Thanks everyone. It is hard because she has been a good friend in other ways and I don't know that many people here.... I don't think she is deliberately malicious- more just thoughtless and perhaps a teeensy but jealous in other ways

OP posts:
StillMedusa · 11/03/2017 01:05

As the parent of four kids..two of each..I can honestly say I didn't give a fig what sex they were...I just wanted them to be ok (and karma bit my on the ass there too...no 4 has autism but he's perfect just as he is)

I think your friend has 'open mouth before engaging brain' problems unless she us usually insensitive/malicious. Or she is preempting thing comments she might get if it is another girl by pretending she dislikes boys.
FWIW my girls have both left home to their adult lives, but my adult (19 and 23) boys are still at home.. still cuddle me every day and boys ROCK!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/03/2017 01:17

If she knows all about your longings and troubles, then yes, she was being an insensitive dick.
I'm sure she is excited about her new baby, but the comments were OTT and unnecessary, especially the negativity about having a boy :(

Just steer clear for a while, until you can regain your own equilibrium. Thanks for you and I hope that you get your 3rd baby as well x

Original poster
deliverdaniel · 11/03/2017 02:38

thank you for kind words/ good wishes

OP posts:
PeridotPeridot · 11/03/2017 08:26

A lot of people don't have the luxury of worrying about the sex of the child because they won't fit in with activities

I know that and I'm sorry about your losses.

But to an extent it's natural for people to have a preference when pg and that doesn't make them an awful person. Of course we wouldn't have cared after dc3 was born if it was a girl...but I can't help my automatic reaction of being pleased it was a ds. I'm not a dick about it in rl though to anyone I know who really wants a boy and definitely not anyone TTC or who has lost a pregnancy.

Longtime · 11/03/2017 08:50

peridot I didn't say it wasn't natural to have a preference nor would I criticise anyone for it. There is a BIG difference between having a preference for one sex and being negative about the other. This is a thread about someone being insensitive and you come on here and tell us about your dh saying "and you watch now, with our bloody luck this will be a girl as well". Or is it only insensitive to be negative about boys and you can what the hell you like about girls?

GoodEnough1 · 11/03/2017 09:59

I think your friend wants a boy but doesn't want to hope out loud and didn't think about how it comes across to you because she takes for granted that you are happy with your boys. I would cut her some slack if she is otherwise a good friend, we all have our moments. Good luck I hope you get to have no 3 too.

TheWoodlander · 11/03/2017 10:04

I actually think it's a strong possibility that she wants a boy very badly - most people want both sexes if they're having more than 1 child - and doesn't want to "hope out loud" too much- so the whole thing just came out very wrong.

It would explain her thoughtlessness.

misiabella · 11/03/2017 11:56

She was very insensitive. she could have chosen better time and way of making you aware. I would observe how she behaves further down the line and I think that you have every right to make her aware that too much baby info is hurting you. She might not understand how difficult it is for you as she has never experienced what you are going through.

Comment about boys is plain stupid. I generally find comments about sex of children really annoying and full of stereotypes. When I had 2 DD I had a lot of comments coming from 'boys team'. A lot of 'when are you trying for a boy?' 'You will want a boy won't you' 'Now you just need a boy to make your family perfect' Confused One lady, I used to work with, told me that 'You don't know what it means to be a mother until you have had a son' Shock She had a son only, who was in his early twenties, put her through years of stress and abuse, and pushed her into depression.

I did not care about the sex of my children. With 2 first pregnancies I did not know what we were having - so prepared everything in neutral colours. With the 3rd I was hinted at the scan that it was a boy. I didn't care - all I wanted for my babies was to be healthy. After I had my son, the very first comment I heard from one of my friends was 'finally!' . I challenged her and asked 'what do you mean finally?' and she said 'are you not REALLY happy you have got a boy?' No, I'm not. But I'm happy that I have a healthy child. Is having a boy some sort of achievement to these people?

No, boys are not amazing and no, girls are not amazing either. Children ARE amazing.

SomethingBorrowed · 11/03/2017 13:23

Peridot I understand what you mean.

Yes OP your friend was insensitive. From what you are saying she sounds like a good friend though, so probaby she just didn't think.
When I was pg with non-identical DTs a scan revealed one was a boy and I said to a number of people "with our luck the second will be a boy as well" as I really wanted a girl in the first place. I admit I didn't think about their feelings but it wasn't malicious at all, self centered maybe.
Ps: ended up with one of each, really happy about it!

Original poster
deliverdaniel · 11/03/2017 14:46

thanks everyone. I think i find it more hurtful because the boy thing isn't a one off at all. I hear negative things about having boys/ positive things about having girls all the time. Antoher pregnant friend, said "I think it's a girl. At least I HOPE it's a girl" (she has another girl) in such a way as to suggest anythign other than a girl would be awful. Another friend with 2 girls was hoping her third would be a girl because "boys are gross"- When I say we want a third all I hear is girl stuff- people can only understand that we want another child to get a girl, as if the idea of havign all boys is just so awful. It makes me feel so hurt and sad. I know I shouldn't care, but I do. I adore my boys and can't bear to thinkt hat people think they are second best

OP posts:
PeridotPeridot · 12/03/2017 10:39

This is a thread about someone being insensitive and you come on here and tell us about your dh saying "and you watch now, with our bloody luck this will be a girl as well". Or is it only insensitive to be negative about boys and you can what the hell you like about girls?

You're completely missing my point or being deliberately obtuse.

I've not said anything negative about girls. At all.

My point is that for us, it seemed a lot easier for us to have another child of the same sex for multiple reasons.

Ds3 was unplanned...we didn't intend on having a third at all. Another boy means we can reuse a lot of clothing. It means the chances are higher that this dc will also get use out of the mini football pitch (complete with white lines on the grass and goals) at the bottom of our garden...yes I know we may have a dd into football but realistically the odds aren't so much in favour. It means we have more scope for sharing bedroom options. It means I don't have to learn how to change a girls nappy!

Overall, it just seems less of an adjustment for us to have to make for a ds rather than a dd for both 'big' and silly reasons...especially considering dc3 was unplanned to start with. Hence my 'sods law it will be a girl' type comment to Dh.

PeridotPeridot · 12/03/2017 10:46

Op, when I was pg with ds2 I had lots of 'you must be hoping for a girl' comments. With dc3 and already 2 ds's the comments have gone into overdrive...and I've only had one really rude comment ('another boy! Oh no, you must be gutted') but plenty getting at the same thing.

There's just no point in getting angry or retorting because you'll probably come across as protesting too much and leave that person even more convinced that you're desperate for a dd Grin

Just look at your beautiful boys and ignore the idiots...they really don't matter.

Longtime · 12/03/2017 11:51

Peridot, I am neither missing the point nor deliberately being obtuse. I am upset about your dh's comment "with our bloody luck, this will be a girl as well", in a similar way that a lot of posters (including myself as I also received my fair share of these when pregnant with dd) are upset about negative comments about boys.

Though it may have been you dh that said it and not you, could you please explain to me how his comment isn't negative and why I shouldn't be just as upset by it as by the comments I got re boys?

As someone pointed up further upthread, they are your CHILDREN and neither sex should be seen as second best.

Longtime · 12/03/2017 11:58

Ok so I just reread and it wasn't your dh that said it. You are now offering a "Sod's law" watered down version of your original comment. I was in your position when pregnant with dd, ie I had two boys, so of course I understand all your practical reasons for wanting a boy. I still found your comment as offensive as some geared towards boys.