Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

AIBU to feel nervous about DH being away close to my due date?

98 replies

HowcanIearnthis · 10/03/2017 10:54

I suspect I'm probably being a bit daft, aren't I? DH wants to do a charity cycle race through rural France for a long weekend when I am 36 weeks pregnant. It's not a compulsory work trip but is something organised for people in a particular industry so he says it would be an excellent networking opportunity. To be fair, I am a SAHM , so his job is our only income, and it is an industry where networking is very important. He says that he took his foot off the gas to come home early from work to look after DD when I had bad morning sickness and he thinks I am being unreasonable not to be over the moon about it.

DD wasn't hugely early - she arrived at 39 weeks, but that's not statistically significant enough to draw any conclusions. However, she was reasonably speedy - I was at 10cm within 3.5 hours. I have had a loop diathermy procedure since she was born (where part of your cervix is chopped out) so there is an increased risk of prematurity, but the consultant says that she doesn't think that is going to be a particular problem and that my cervix is holding up ok at the moment (at 21 weeks). I just feel that if anything did happen, it is extremely unlikely that he would get back in time. It's one of those low-probability-but-high-impact situations. I would be really sad if he missed it.

I don;t usually kick up a fuss about this stuff. I know I'm a SAHM and have accepted his difficulties in leaving work for medical appointments etc as the price that we pay for the luxury of being able to afford for me to stay home with DD. He had a major presentation on the day that I had to go to hospital to have a miscarriage confirmed; I went on my own and we just got on with it. I am feeling a bit sad, though, that he wants to do this. He's a grown man, you know - I can hardly tell him not to do it - but I wish that he felt it was more important to be here just in case.

I am probably being ridiculous and hormonal, right?

OP posts:

Girlwiththearabstrap · 12/03/2017 21:10

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. And I don't think you need to tiptoe round it either, there's nothing wrong with explaining how you feel.
DH decided not to go on a stag do to Madrid the month before my due date - largely due to money rather than any input from me. He worked away a lot anyway so I kind of assumed I'd be really cool with it, but as my pregnancy progressed I actually realised I was glad he wasn't going! And as it turns out I developed pre eclampsia and HELLO syndrome and gave birth at 35 weeks. I think with any future pregnancies wed be very cautious about travel.

Girlwiththearabstrap · 12/03/2017 21:11

Hellp. Not hello...

halfofme · 12/03/2017 21:13

Yanbu. Dd was 39+6 so when I was pregnant with ds, dh went in a work trip to Africa when I was 37 weeks. I went into labour on the day he arrived back at 37+5 and he made it by a couple of hours. It was stressful and I wouldn't recommend

OlliMummy · 12/03/2017 21:17

I was 39 weeks pregnant when my partner went on a trip to france (he had booked it well before I was pregnant and when for a week). I was 5 days late and had a very cry quick labour (he wouldn't have made it home), I wasn't bothered by him going, it was his last bit of freedom before everything changed when we became a family. My second was 12 days late and came within 2 hours, so although quick doesn't mean early ;) 4 weeks ahead of due date isn't that close.. if he doesn't go and then you don't go in to labour until due date or later he could resent you for not letting him go.. You need to weigh up all options and think about what you BOTH want to do (although yes, ultimately I think you should have the final say.. being the one who is about to give birth!) therw will probably be warning signs that labour may be coming, with hough time to warn him and have a "emergency immediate come home" action plan?

SerialReJoiner · 12/03/2017 21:25

In your situation I would be rather nervous at that stage in pregnancy, but during my last pregnancy, we agreed to him taking a short trip with our DD to Amsterdam to visit the Ann Frank museum etc. I was 39 weeks pregnant but they were only gone for 36 hours. Yes, I could have gone into labour, but I generally go overdue, I had an uncomplicated pregnancy, and was not showing any signs of impending labour. As it stood, I went 9 days overdue so there was no cause.for concern.

Allthewaves · 12/03/2017 21:36

Dh works away for a living. Even his company let him work around home from 35 wks

saffronwblue · 12/03/2017 22:23

YANBU.
I asked DH not to attend his cousin's wedding 1.5 hr flight away when I was 37 weeks. It caused ructions - MiL came up with some memorable remarks - but I don't regret it. It was our first child, I had a lot of anxiety due to previous m/c and I needed him in reasonable distance. DS did not come until a week later but I know this was the right decision.
If you begin saying 'how can we make this work', he will start happily packing thinking it is all in hand. Basically he is saying that the networking and the junket is more important than supporting his wife and dc. I would point this out.

Oneisenoughokay · 13/03/2017 08:35

You both made the baby. You'll need him to look after you and the other child. What if something went horrendously wrong and hr was elsewhere. It would be a absolute no from me. The fact he even thought it was a good idea would make me wanna slap him. I think your being totally reasonable not to want him to be elsewhere it's his baby too and you shouldn't have to do it alone. Your doing the hard bit and the scary bit. You are allowed to want somethings your way without question. I really wouldn't be happy if I was you. I think he's being totally unreasonable.

ZenasSuitcases · 13/03/2017 17:34

I wouldn't be happy at all. While you are in a good position being at home, it's still not an easy job. Being 36 weeks, with another child at home and having your partner away is far from ideal. I think selfish is a word I'd use, for him, not you!

Lovelymess · 13/03/2017 17:37

You'll be fine, chances of you going into labour that week aren't overally high 😊 Let him go

pollymere · 13/03/2017 17:43

Unless you anticipate you may deliver early, I don't see why he can't do the race. 36 weeks would be very early for a normal healthy pregnancy. If you can get someone to stay and/or help so much the better.

UnbornMortificado · 13/03/2017 17:45

YANBU I tend to deliver early. I had DD1at 40+6 and DD2 (who likes to be an awkward cow) at 30 weeks. Early labour does happen.

I asked DH (he still looks a bit shook up over his opinion being sought) and he said no he wouldn't even with my blessing.

HKM2B · 13/03/2017 17:50

Just another bit of input. My hubby wasn't really present (physically or metaphorically) during the pregnancies of both of our children. We'd been together for decades and wanted kids for half that time, but when it came down to it, he checked out a bit. He always helped with nappies and night feeds but emotionally seemed really detached. For a while I was hurt and frustrated at his apparent lack of enthusiasm (for milestones during the pregnancies and even the actual births). i resented him for a while about this...

Cut to now. DCs are 5 and 2. Hubby is the most engaged ever as a doting dad and has finally stepped up to be present in all activities without moaning about missing this sporting activity or that night with the boys etc etc etc. And we've grown closer as a couple.

Not all partnerships are blissful where the menfolk never shirk their responsibilities and fulfil their roles as we hope (expect?) them to. In the same way we don't always fulfil those stereotypical roles of doting wives and mothers! But that's REAL life, isn't it?!

The moral of my story is, whatever happens in this case for you, there's still hope that hubby will come good in the long run And given the colostrum story it sounds hopeful. That might've been bit much for mine

happypoobum · 13/03/2017 17:51

YANBU

It isn't just about him possibly missing the birth, it's about him fucking off when you will be big and tired and hormonal and have DD to care for as well as everything else.

I would not be happy.

Benedikte2 · 13/03/2017 18:10

I think that now the majority of births are straight forward and safe that men tend to forget that it is still a hazardous time for women without modern intervention and hygiene many women would still be dying in childbirth and sadly s few still do. A time to celebrate new life and both mother and child surviving the process. So husbands who don't think it through and who are blasé about taking trips are pretty selfish

cherish123 · 13/03/2017 18:17

It will be fine. If baby did come early you would cope for a few days within him. If you did go into labour early, is there someone who could look after your daughter if he is in France?

waterrat · 13/03/2017 18:23

I think it's sad that he brings up the fact that he did some childcare while you had morning sickness - er, that's called having kids! Why should only your life change? You were unwell - he is also a parent.

I also am quite shocked he let you go alone to a miscarriage appointment - nobody ever grew old remembering their best presentation at work did they?

also - it's not even a work trip!

allwomanR · 13/03/2017 18:25

I wasn't happy about my DH working weekends (accountant- tax return season!) in the lead up to our second this year, I was worn out despite being on maternity leave and not sleeping- I relied on the weekends to be able to rest. If you're tired then you're more likely to have problems during delivery, he needs to be there simply to help with your DC1 imo. His career won't disappear because he missed one networking opportunity

Silentplikebath · 13/03/2017 18:33

YANBU

Your DH is being unsupportive and selfish. Ask him what is more important - the wellbeing of his family or this cycling trip. Hopefully he'll make the right choice but I'm not convinced.

Sorry to say this type of man doesn't usually change.

Kika2901 · 13/03/2017 18:41

YANBU. I've had a very similar conversation with my husband about a golf trip he wants to go on (4 nights) 4 weeks before my due date. This will be my third and my second was two weeks early but more than me going into premature labour (which I guess could happen but unlikely) it's the fact that it hadn't crossed his mind that leaving me on my own for four days, 4 weeks before my due date with two other was a little unfair on me! He said he had committed and would lose £800 but he has only paid a deposit so he is really talking about wanting to pay his share of the villa even though he isn't going so his friends don't have to pick up the extra cost. I'd have thought if he told them the truth, they wouldn't expect him to still pay for the villa? Anyway, we had to have a full on conversation about it and he has finally conceded but he wouldn't have given it a second thought if I hadn't raised it as an issue and possibly a tad unfair on his heavily pregnant wife!

JoJoManon · 13/03/2017 21:20

I don't think YABU but equally I don't think he is either. He is the sole breadwinner as you pointed out and networking is an important part of his job. If it were me, I'd point out that I'd prefer he didn't go but let him make the decision. After all he is making the decision which may affect your family's financial security. As long as he doesn't think he will regret it if you gave birth when he was away, but if not, I'd be inclined to let him make his mind up, being aware of your feelings on the matter.
Hopefully you'll hold on until close to your due date but I'd put contingency plans in place if I were you.

luckymomma · 14/03/2017 03:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

corythatwas · 14/03/2017 18:11

"Not all partnerships are blissful where the menfolk never shirk their responsibilities and fulfil their roles as we hope (expect?) them to. In the same way we don't always fulfil those stereotypical roles of doting wives and mothers!"

So what happens if Mother also decides to opt out of her duties and go awol in the early days? (I have known mothers who would have been quite physically fit to do this soon after birth) Wouldn't work, would it? Benign tolerance of clueless dads can only work hand in hand with a corresponding expectation that mum will be there to pick up the slack.

This is his baby- why should he not want to be there for it and bond with it?

And even if the baby was not an issue- would we really think that highly of a woman who went off on a charity stunt when her husband or child was due major surgery?

Flip

1 2 3 4