AIBU to feel nervous about DH being away close to my due date?

[HowcanIearnthis]

I suspect I'm probably being a bit daft, aren't I? DH wants to do a charity cycle race through rural France for a long weekend when I am 36 weeks pregnant. It's not a compulsory work trip but is something organised for people in a particular industry so he says it would be an excellent networking opportunity. To be fair, I am a SAHM , so his job is our only income, and it is an industry where networking is very important. He says that he took his foot off the gas to come home early from work to look after DD when I had bad morning sickness and he thinks I am being unreasonable not to be over the moon about it.

DD wasn't hugely early - she arrived at 39 weeks, but that's not statistically significant enough to draw any conclusions. However, she was reasonably speedy - I was at 10cm within 3.5 hours. I have had a loop diathermy procedure since she was born (where part of your cervix is chopped out) so there is an increased risk of prematurity, but the consultant says that she doesn't think that is going to be a particular problem and that my cervix is holding up ok at the moment (at 21 weeks). I just feel that if anything did happen, it is extremely unlikely that he would get back in time. It's one of those low-probability-but-high-impact situations. I would be really sad if he missed it.

I don;t usually kick up a fuss about this stuff. I know I'm a SAHM and have accepted his difficulties in leaving work for medical appointments etc as the price that we pay for the luxury of being able to afford for me to stay home with DD. He had a major presentation on the day that I had to go to hospital to have a miscarriage confirmed; I went on my own and we just got on with it. I am feeling a bit sad, though, that he wants to do this. He's a grown man, you know - I can hardly tell him not to do it - but I wish that he felt it was more important to be here just in case.

I am probably being ridiculous and hormonal, right?

I was worried about MIL going away when I was 35+2 (she was on dog sitting duties) and surprise surprise I went into labour that night. I have had two loop diathermy treatments (and my cervix was fine for all the scans from weeks 16 - 24) 😳

I would have had something to say if DP went away with number 1 and I'll definitely have something to say if he wanted to with any further children!

YANBU! I would have thought his colleagues would find it strange if he did go away if they knew you were 36weeks anyway?!

Say to him - i'm shocked you want to take the risk of missing the birth of your second child. See what he says

Its a fricking work jolly, not his mothers funeral. There will be 101 other opportunities to network. He's using the "its so important" thing to make you feel guility so he gets gets his own way. He's being a selfish twat.

Honestly at 36 weeks, I had told DH that he couldn't go away.
I didn't have any risk of having a premature birth.
And he would have stayed in the uk and back within 4 hours max.

So no you are not mad at all.

I also think he is deluded to think that because everything is fine at 21 weeks, it means that it will be fine at 36weeks.
I would actually enroll the MW in that one, asked her pov and then take DH with me to the next appointment so SHE can tell him it's crazy and the risks of him missing the birth altogether.

I'm interested in the idea that it's not possible for the OP to tell him that his idea is just not on. And that it needs it brought out of him etc... so he can get the idea on his own. And that she would obviously be then labelled as 'overreacting' if she was going all guns blazing, Telling him how it is.
Amazing how it's always women who are overreacting or overemptional etc... esp when it doesn't suit a man's plan.

Definitely a no from me, given my experience.

DS was born at 40+5, but a very quick labour, about 3hrs in total, exactly 1hr from entering hospital car park to his arrival (we still have car park ticket somewhere!)

Fast forward to second pregnancy. We had a holiday booked at 34wks, taking our caravan to Wales. Given the speed of DS arrival, I did ask the midwife if I should cancel, as nearest hospital was a good hour away. She laughed and reassured me I would be fine, esp as DS was late. Famous last words etc..

We delayed start of holiday from Sat to Tues as my DH needed to go into work on the Monday.

I awoke with DS at 7am on Tuesday, went downstairs, realised my waters had broken, shouted DH, called hospital, was told to go in. We dropped DS at nursery on way (it was one of his normal days anyway). DD was born at 2pm.

She went into special care, where a heart murmur was detected on day 2, saw a cardiologist on day 3, when she was diagnosed with a serious heart defect. Blue lighted to specialist children's hospital on day 4 for an initial procedure on day 5. All very stressful, starting with the prem birth. She was then in our local hospital for 4 wks, with me juggling being at her side as much as possible, expressing milk for her tube feeding, and then looking after DS as and when (he went into nursery almost full time instead of part time in those first weeks).

All this before 37 weeks. If DH had gone away in that time, it would have been a nightmare!

I know this is an extreme case, with a prem birth and then a heart problem, but I would not hsve wanted to have faced it alone.

I wouldnt and ddint care if dh had to go off somewhere when I was pregnant. He went to Scotland and France when I was 38 and 39 weeks pregnant (day trips) with work. I was off the opinion he was as likely to get stuck there as in coming back home from London where he worked to where we lived (about 1 hour journey)

As it was I didn't go into labour when he was out of the country and he went to work when I was in early labour with dd1..

For me it just wasnt a big deal so I would have said Sure go ahead if that had come up.

This thread has just reignited the argument we had nine years ago about him going

I have him think about what he will say when your DS/DD is older and asks about their birth, as all children do. It would be sad to have to say that Daddy wasn't there as they were away on a cycling/networking opportunity in France. Way to go dad

Oops... posted by accident! He has really irritated me this evening by still trying to defend his decision to go on a jolly to scale mountains in Scotland when I was 37 weeks. Must has PMT as this has really annoyed me! I hope your dh rethinks op - you can tell him that it may take decades for you to forgive him otherwise!

I don't think my teenagers would care if dad was present at their birth or not. They look at everything he has done for them all the love he gives.

Really much more to being a dad than being present at the birth. Dads who are in the military do not always get the chance to be there at the birth still can be involved loving parents and supportive husbands.

I think the pp who made the point about if this is a networking event is spot on, does he really want to be forever known as 'that bloke who left his pregnant wife to go cycling '

He's assuming the networking will help his career. I'm in a massively Blokey macho industry but any guy who fucked off to an event and left his mrs to it would be very much looked down on. It would not help his career one bit.

Never made it past 35 weeks with either pregnancy...

You and him have both chosen for you to be the stay at home parent and for him to work, so why is he selfish for wanting to network for his work to provide a better life for his family? Women complain that time off stops them from progressing so why should the sole earner sacrifice a marketing opportunity to earn more for his family. You know, the family that depends on him?

Spoke with dh about this and asked his opinion. He said " I might ask him if his wife was ok with it" " I might think it was a bit off, but I wouldn't judge him and it wouldn't be something I would think about after"

Op it really comes down to how you need to feel supported. Can only dh be the one who supports you? (genuine question as sometimes only 1 person is the one who need support from) Do you feel unsupported in other ways so need to know he is fully there for this?

I dont as such think it is unreasonable of you to want him around. I just do not think that it would be a biggy for me personally.

For the children I can promise you they will not care one bit if he is there or not.

If it is right for you and your dh that is something only the 2 of you can decide. I would have a discussion without a lot of emotive language and suggestions on how the children may or may not feel in 5-10 years time about this. This comes down to how can you feel supported during your pregnancy.

You are not unreasonable to feel nervous though, I get it. I was lucky to have my partner there both times but I understood if for whatever reason, even a tummy bug, I would be ok on my own, nature takes its course and things keep moving wether he is there or not. If it's for work and still four weeks from due date it wouldn't be something I'd say no to.

redandyellow - in my experience it's probably not necessary to go in 'all guns blazing' and create an argument. I think men tend not to think as closely about the realities of childbirth, particularly relatively early on. A reality check is often all that's needed.

DH will attest I can be a stubborn, argumentative pain in the ass but I try to avoid it if possible!

@ marketing opportunity. He's a cyclist and he wants to cycle. Yes, he'll chat to people but it's not make or break for his career, ffs.

I think he should be there to support you without fail. It's a jolly he's been invited to that someone's cooked up so they can get a break on expenses! Your DD may appreciate him being there too because mum having a baby and getting a new sibling is quite a big thing. Just because you're a SAHM doesn't mean he can put his career ahead of you and claim that he needs to go. You may need him around that late in your pregnancy, regardless of when your baby arrives and it's not worth the risk of him not being there for the birth. Regardless of the practical arrangements, I'd be really hurt if my DH swanned off when I was heavily pregnant. My hormones would make me put itching powder in his cycling shorts if he went

DS1 was born at 33 weeks, DS2 at 37.5 weeks (after 3 mos bedrest).

My DH went on a snow camping trip (yearly event, 3 days) when I was 26 weeks and newly on bedrest. But he was only a bit over one hour away and I had a way to get a message to him quickly. He went over my objections and I let him know I was NOT happy and his mother sent him off with a very large flea in his ear!

You can't really 'forbid' another adult from doing something, but you can let them know your feelings about it. I'd explain that there will be other networking opportunities, but that this may very well be the last time he's able to witness his own child's birth. I'd outline what would need to be 'put in place' before he went; someone to stay with you, last-second childcare for when you go into labour, possible pet-sitting if you have animals, transport to hospital without him to drive you, etc. Then I'd tell him that since he is the one that wants to be away, that HE will need to sort all this but that you reserve the right to veto any plans that you are not comfortable with. And I'd certainly let him know I was deeply disappointed that he was putting some vague 'networking opportunity' above the potential birth of our child.

so why is he selfish for wanting to network for his work to provide a better life for his family?

Well it rather depends rather it's a unique opportunity where deals are made, career defining relationships are forged and promotions secured. Or whether it's a nice jolly with some networking benefits which could easily be replicated with a couple of lunches or nights in the pub at a more convenient time.

Obviously I don't know the industry but I suspect the latter.

My DH sailed (literally, 35ft yacht with my eldest brother for a race) across the Irish sea when I was 38 wks with DC1. We're a partnership, we discussed it and the contingency plans we'd need in place if I were to go into labour whilst he was away (especially if he was mid sea!) and he went with strict instructions to keep his phone charged & on and a listening watch on channel 16. My mother was wholly unimpressed but my brother took the brunt of her ire followed by me rather than DH (totally unfair as both DH and I had discussed and agreed) but she wasn't involved in the plans anyway (probably more the issue to be honest). It was fine (I was 40+11 before DC1 actually arrived and DH had been back over two weeks) and although I was a little worried, it would be the last chance he'd have to sail for a while and I understood why he wanted to go (I'm a sailor too ). There were no mitigating circumstances (potential complications) and I didn't have another DC to deal with but like I said we're a partnership and we discussed it as such. He's been away sailing whilst I've been pregnant with subsequent DCs although not quite as close to my due date but with complications in pregnancy and we've discussed it every time, I've never vetoed and the only race he didn't do was because he decided not to.

Oh and I don't think YABU for being concerned but I do think YABU to forbid him from going without a reasonable and detailed discussion about contingency plans in all scenarios, you're a partnership.
You'll probably find he decides it's probably not worth it .

It's not just the birth to think about, the more likely scentrio is that you are so heavily pregnant you struggle with your toddler. I was struggling with tiredness badly at that stage of pregnancy, after being ill at 7 months pregnant. I was fine still working but a weekend alone with my then 20 month old would have floored me, toddlers are hard work. Your body tends to give up sooner in your 2nd pregnancy...

DH went away for a stag night when I was 37+5 weeks pregnant, which I was fine with. However, it was only a 2.5 hour drive away, he agreed to go over early Saturday morning not Friday evening, and my Mum came over Saturday afternoon and stayed the night. If I'd felt like I needed him he would have come back immediately, no arguments - he didn't drink so he could drive if needed. There is no way I'd have agreed for him to go abroad then!

For me its about the lack of respect for his partner - pregnancy - things do go wrong and also when you are in labour etc you want them around for moral support even if not for the actual birth. At 36 weeks you are close enough to term for it to be a serious risk add in the op you had and that increases.

It is a jolly and don't let him dress it up any other way, it happens to combine two of his favourite things - cycling and work. As for Networking tell him he can network to catch up on what happened afterwards. My DH works in an industry that is purely run on networking still and it annoys the hell out of me to be honest.

Not at all. I have four children. The forth came early at 37+5 for no reason than him wanting out. My second and third were on time 40+1 and 40+3 and then expecting my fourth to be even later she went and put in an appearance at 36+6 again for no more reason than wanting to be out.

He is being unreasonable to even consider it.