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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask if you allow your teens to hang out with unknown friends?

113 replies

WhippinPiccadilly1 · 09/03/2017 20:04

As per the thread title, those with teens in the ages 13-15, do you know their friends? Or do you allow them to go out with friends you haven't met, and don't know?

I'm curious as to if I'm being unfair to my 15 year old, after I've said to him he needs to invite his friends over so I can meet them. I just feel uneasy at knowing nothing about them. They don't attend his school, and he met them going to a park with another friend.

I can be quite strict, he isn't allowed to go out after school unless it's something like cinema, swimming, organised activities. He is allowed out at the weekend, but must be home for tea time (6). I'm finding it hard to set boundaries.

OP posts:
Sparklydress · 09/03/2017 22:33

And I have replied...

wifeyhun · 09/03/2017 22:34

I don't know some of my 15 year old dds friends, I trust her instinct in people.

If my dd is doing something structured, friends house/cinema she is allowed out until 10pm ish. I don't like her hanging around streets or parks in the dark.

I think it's all about finding the right balance and it is hard letting go buy they are adults soon.

Sparklydress · 09/03/2017 22:34

You are getting your posters mixed up

Sparklingbrook · 09/03/2017 22:34

I'll leave you to it. Confused

Userone1 · 09/03/2017 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Doyouwantabrew · 09/03/2017 22:41

Nope too strict. All my teens had friends I did not know at 15 However by that age we always 'trusted them' at least to their face.

With teenagers you take a deep breath and hope as you have to let go a bit.

If you are to strict now they go wild as soon as they off the leash probably uni and that's not good.

The in at 6 is ludicrous.

Userone1 · 09/03/2017 22:44

not goody, goady damn autocorrect has now taken the edge off of my comment!

Sparklydress · 09/03/2017 22:45

Stop being a goody fucker excuse me? Who on earth do you think you are?

Sparklydress · 09/03/2017 22:45

No edge to it, pathetic and rude.

Marianos · 09/03/2017 22:51

Op - I'm watching this with interest. I never had this kind of freedom as a teenager but never actually wanted it either so experiencing it with my DCs is difficult. Despite this I didn't go mad when "off the leash" as a young adult.

I can understand that if you are on your own with younger children this is a more difficult situation as you are less able to just drop everything and go to his rescue things go wrong.

I also think there is a difference between boys and girls. The group dynamics and peer pressure are different. Plus there is a difference between hanging around on light summer evenings and dark winter ones, Where we live it is really dark in the winter - no street lights at all.

celtiethree · 09/03/2017 22:55

I'm curious about the difference between boys and girls?? You'd treat them differently? How? Is one sex allowed more freedom than another?

Lunde · 09/03/2017 22:58

Sorry but having been the mother of teens I think you are being far too controlling - especially not letting him out after 6pm. Children have to be treated differently at different ages but at the moment you are treating the 15 year old like the toddlers.

I would be wondering whether the reason he dropped or was dropped by the previous "good" friends is because he lives such a limited life and cannot participate when he is the 15 year old who has to be home for toddler tea time.

I understand that the derelict house made you concerned however most teenagers will do something that shows poor judgement as they are still learning and need to practice making the right decisions. Otherwise - as often happens with over-strict upbringings- he is going to rebel and go crazy in a year or two and may put himself in more dangerous situations.

You need to give him reasonable freedom and stop treating him as your other pre-school children.

scottishdiem · 09/03/2017 23:05

"I'm curious as to if I'm being unfair to my 15 year old, after I've said to him he needs to invite his friends over so I can meet them."

At 15? What age are you going to stop this? 16, 18, 21?

You dont seem to have any trust in your son. Which doesnt bode well. Soon he will lie - are you sure that he is going to introduce a girl he might like to you any time soon? And then what will you do. He will lie and say he is with one friend and be with her. Probably in a park to be honest.

I have said on other threads and I will say it again - I am amazed I, my sibling and all of our friends made it to adulthood given how lax our parents were compared to people like the OP.

At 15 my parents only knew about 5 of my friends. The social circle include people from scouts, older and younger siblings of friends and aged from about 14/15 to about 19/20. Sometimes the older ones were away doing their thing in the city (we were in a commuter town) but we all played football or hung out at the beach a lot of the time. Yes, there was underage drinking but only the once really (for both sibling and me). We got very drunk, got the speech from my parents and never got that drunk again.

Sit down with your near adult son and have an adult conversation with him. Start with the concept that curfews are the tool of authorities to restrict the movements of the weaker. And work up from there. Build trust, not follow an instruction manual.

scottishdiem · 09/03/2017 23:08

Forgot to say:

"DS is quite naive, and prone to leading with his emotions."

Possibly because he hasnt had to be otherwise. You are keeping him as a child and not letting him face the consequences of his actions.

DixieNormas · 09/03/2017 23:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GnomeDePlume · 09/03/2017 23:33

But I think you have to be careful about always wanting to know where they are. This was something my parents did. They had no idea about just wanting to hang out with friends, doing nothing and taking all evening about it.

My parents always wanted to know where I was and what I was doing. It felt intrusive. To carve out some privacy for myself (and that was really what I wanted) I would say I was in one place and in fact be somewhere else. It was easier this way for a quiet life.

So be careful of insisting on knowing everything as you can end up knowing nothing. Just because your DS isnt obviously kicking over the traces doesnt mean that he is happy with or even following the restrictions you are imposing.

Graphista · 10/03/2017 00:01

What does the nanny do with him? A 15 year old doesn't need a nanny!

I agree it's entirely possible what's happened is his 15 yr old friends got fed up having to work around such ridiculous rules!

I know most of the time where dd is, who she's with, what she's doing - within reason - she's entitled to some secrets (although she's pretty rubbish at keeping them and tells me anyway Smile). Like recently she had her first broken heart and she wasn't going to tell me so I wouldn't get upset (bless her) but she started crying at an advert (out of character) and it all came flooding out. Another time she ended up in a part of town she wasn't supposed to be, but as a result of being with her friend and their parent running an errand, she felt so guilty she lasted exactly 2 hours before she told me! At which point I was able to tell her it was fine as she was in a car with an adult. But not to go there alone or just with friends.

Most kids are basically good, but they also have to learn from their mistakes (eg getting their hearts broken by dating a 'bad boy', breaking curfew and getting grounded, losing purse/wallet and getting stuck for transport - things most teens do at some point).

Graphista · 10/03/2017 00:05

"Just because your DS isnt obviously kicking over the traces doesnt mean that he is happy with or even following the restrictions you are imposing."

Absolutely! I had friends who had very strict parents when we were teens, they did things like say they were with an approved of friend when they weren't, snuck out after curfew, had boyfriends when they weren't supposed to be dating, went places they weren't supposed to, had secret clothes/shoes/makeup, drank, took drugs, had sex with parents completely oblivious!

Marianos · 10/03/2017 00:07

celtiethree - just different risks for boys and girls. Its not to do with degrees of freedom. Its to do with how to keep safe in the face of these different risks.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 10/03/2017 00:15

Will the greatest respect and The best will in the world. How do you stop them, and That's not bad or lackadaisical parenting. That's just life

GingerLDN · 10/03/2017 03:19

Do you not worry he's going to go from child to adult without having any clue how to manage as he has been babied through his teens? I know it's tempting but wrapping them up in cotton wool is not good in the long run. I've seen consequences of this in a couple of situations and 30-40 yr olds who still live at home as they don't have a clue how to adult. You need to use the next couple of years preparing him to be a grown up for his sake.

mathanxiety · 10/03/2017 04:47

OP, you are mixing up boundaries and curfew/rules.

Boundaries are all to do with the limits you set yourself, the knowledge of where you end and where others begin. They are about perspective.

You have poor boundaries. You have set rules that are too strict because you have allowed your anxieties to run amok.

I agree it is counter productive to demand to know where he is going and who he is with when he goes out. Teens need privacy. This is why he won't have any friends around. He wants his own life, away from your scrutiny.

I also agree it may well have been the 6 pm thing and the other rules that have caused a rift between him and his old friends.

Eventually I got the full story out of DS.
There are several ways of getting a story out of a teenager.
There is the bull at a gate way, asking questions that put the teen on the spot, that conveys to the teen that you think he is naive, leads with his heart, is not mature, and also that you are someone who can't handle teen misadventures, need to have your feelings minded, and are quite fragile. You may get the information, but you will close off or weaken lines of communication.

The other way is to express concern that the friend who self harmed is ok, to ask if there is anything you could do to help, to ask if the teen has access to whatever help he needs, to express gratitude that your DS stayed with their friend and didn't leave him all alone in a wobbly condition. This tells the teen that you have some confidence in him, encourages positive qualities such as not leaving a friend who is in trouble, encourages the teen to step back and see self harm from an adult pov, and most important of all, tells him you are able to handle life in general and gives him confidence in you as an adult.

Maybe the DS took on the bully with the crowbar because he doesn't see you as an adult who can handle things or sees in you someone whose 'grown up reaction' repertoire is limited?

Userone1 · 10/03/2017 07:30

Sparkly yes goady fucker = to try to provoke someone unnecessarily by being obnoxious.

My ds was caught by police after breaking into a derelict building. He was climbing on a room that could have collapsed any minute.

You say you would have spoken to him as this is what constitutes good parenting in your view. I choose to speak to him and apply a consequence, making me a bad parent.

Yes Implying I'm a bad parent is being a goady fucker.

Railgunner1 · 10/03/2017 07:32

Poor boy. You sound overbearing.

gabsdot · 10/03/2017 08:29

I like to know all of my children's friends but it's not always possible. DS just started secondary school this year and I don't know any of his school friends. He only sees them in school though. If he went to their houses I would probably drop him off the first time to meet them and their parents.
He's 13 and he does have a lot of freedom but he's proved himself to be trustworthy. He has to come in for dinner but he can go out again afterwards if homework is done. He usually goes to the astro pitch to play football.