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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask if you allow your teens to hang out with unknown friends?

113 replies

WhippinPiccadilly1 · 09/03/2017 20:04

As per the thread title, those with teens in the ages 13-15, do you know their friends? Or do you allow them to go out with friends you haven't met, and don't know?

I'm curious as to if I'm being unfair to my 15 year old, after I've said to him he needs to invite his friends over so I can meet them. I just feel uneasy at knowing nothing about them. They don't attend his school, and he met them going to a park with another friend.

I can be quite strict, he isn't allowed to go out after school unless it's something like cinema, swimming, organised activities. He is allowed out at the weekend, but must be home for tea time (6). I'm finding it hard to set boundaries.

OP posts:
MadisonAvenue · 09/03/2017 21:36

My parents were strict too.I remember when I was 17 and all of my friends were going to nightclubs and were allowed to stay out, as long as they all stuck together, until they closed at 2am but I was expected to be home by 11.30pm.

On one occasion I went to a party with my boyfriend. I ended up staying out all night because the party was miles away in the middle of nowhere, my boyfriend was drunk, I didn't drive and there was no phone in the house (this was back in the 80s so obviously there were no mobiles either). I figured that they'd understand because I was almost an adult and they knew who I was with.

They called everyone in my address book to see if they'd seen me, had family driving around the area looking for me and when I eventually got home at 9am the police were there as I'd been reported as a missing person.

I cringe even now when I think how embarrassing it was, and how for weeks afterwards I had people saying that my mom had called them at 5am.

Original poster
WhippinPiccadilly1 · 09/03/2017 21:39

I'm struggling to find a happy ground with it all. I was 16 when I had him. I've spent most of his childhood working, as has his dad. We separated when he was 7. His dad is supportive enough, but at the end of the day, he lives with me, and I am fully responsible for him.

I have 2 under 4, one with additional needs, who are with me 24/7 and I have no partner. I can only do so much. Parenting a teen and toddlers together is really tricky. Plus I work long shifts. All 3 children are looked after by a Nanny when I am at work.

I don't have friends with teens. I don't know any of the other families here because he didn't go to primary in the area (he was at my mother's school - headteacher). So I'm winging it, hoping that he will make good choices. That's all I want. Him to be safe and make the right choices.

He can cook, yes. But I can't afford for him to make separate food from the family. My food bill is already obscene.

OP posts:
Mumzypopz · 09/03/2017 21:43

OP, I'm sure he will end up absolutely fine, please don't feel pressured to relax your boundaries, just because other people say so. It has to suit you, and your family, and only you knows your son the most. If you are worried perhaps ask him what he thinks. I would be worried about the 17 year old friends too.

sunshineglitterprincess · 09/03/2017 21:45

My dd is 13 and it feels like she changes her friends like she changes her socks. I haven't got the faintest clue who she hangs out with. I do also have the "home by 6pm" rule though, unless it has been pre-arranged that she will be out later.

At 15 I think you are being incredibly strict and YABU. Sorry

Mumzypopz · 09/03/2017 21:45

Plus, as you say, you eat together at six. Nothing wrong with that at all, as you say he can go out again after.

Sparklydress · 09/03/2017 21:48

Oh come on, how is seperate food going to cost more? A jacket potato is pennies, pasta, or just save him something to re heat.
Lots of families have very different schedules, with very low incomes.

BillSykesDog · 09/03/2017 21:50

Can he not just have a packet of noodles or make himself a sandwich?

SestraClone · 09/03/2017 21:50

My 16yo has an 11pm curfew (10.30pm on school nights)
My 14yo has a 9.30pm curfew
My 8 yo is allowed out til 8pm in the summer.

Is your son happy with his curfew?

Mumzypopz · 09/03/2017 22:03

My 15 yr old does sporting activities early evening, then is home. She doesn't go out and is quite happy chatting to her wide group of friends on her phone all night. They are at home too. My nine years old plays in the street in the summer with his friends, but has to come in at 7pm. He doesn't go out at the moment as it's usually getting dark by the time we get home. I don't think we are unusual round where I live. I don't have any concerns that they will rebel when older, they have good sensible heads on their shoulders.

Userone1 · 09/03/2017 22:03

I don't think there is another wrong with 6pm curfew and eating with the family. Particularly as you think he has got in with the 'wrong crowd' of older kids.

Sparklydress · 09/03/2017 22:06

No one said that there was something 'wrong' with eating with the family. I am suggesting that for one night a week, he be allowed out later than 6pm.

Original poster
WhippinPiccadilly1 · 09/03/2017 22:10

Separate food totally costs more! But either way, I want to make sure he has a proper meal. He regularly skips breakfast and eats shit for lunch. I want him to have at least one proper meal a day.

He's never complained about the time he has to be in. He's also been to parties in the evening, and other evening stuff. He isn't banned if I know where he is!

I just don't want him on street corners or parks at night time. That is my one request really. Obviously I'm not keen on it in the day time either, but I haven't stopped him until now.

I'm reasonably sure he isn't doing drugs or smoking. If he is drinking, it isn't enough to make him tipsy. He's had drinks at special occasions with his dad. I don't drink, but have no objection to it.

He's sensible enough on that front. But he has done things like threatening a school bully with a crowbar he found in the shed (this was at 13). The bully had been pushing year 7 kids in the road as buses were coming. Bully was a teachers relative. School didn't deal with it. Kids decided to take it upon themselves to threaten the bully. I had no idea this had happened until the school police officer rang me. I had a 5 week old baby as a single parent at the time. I still to this day don't know what possessed him to do such a thing when he knew to come to me. Plus it wasn't even his battle. No outcome came from it other than me feeling like I was a criminal for having a crowbar and not noticing it missing (I didn't know we owned one, must have been my ex's and I never ever go in the shed to know anything would be missing anyway!).

He's gentle, adores his baby brothers, can be shy, but is kind and moralistic to his own detriment. He can't abide injustice (like me) but can make wrong decisions in his wanting to put things right.

I just want to feel sure he is making good decisions and stays safe. I've got 2 more boys to get though this yet! And one of them is SEN with behavioural issues. I am dreading it.

OP posts:
Userone1 · 09/03/2017 22:11

As for his friends self harming and breaking into buildings etc. I think you should definitely have a frank talk with him about what makes good friends and your boundaries on these issues.

One of my ds's got escorted home by the police, for messing around in a derelict building, he was climbing on the roof, which could have fallen through any minute. He was about 14 at the time.

He got sent straight to his room and stayed there all night, no tv, no dinner, no nothing.

With freedom comes responsibility.

Userone1 · 09/03/2017 22:12

Sparkly where in my post did I say you did!?

Sparklydress · 09/03/2017 22:13

Well, I don't know what more to say. I have no idea what the issue is with saving food to be heated up and I don't think that one meal a week will cost more done individually, but you are obviously doing your best.

Sparklydress · 09/03/2017 22:14

I don't think there is another wrong with 6pm curfew and eating with the family.

You are implying by saying that, that some have said it is wrong Confused

Original poster
WhippinPiccadilly1 · 09/03/2017 22:15

The action from last weekend is that he has until the easter hols (3 weeks) to show responsibility (in other ways, such as helping at home, he's decided to apply for school prefect, he's working to try and do the higher GCSE papers) before gaining freedom again. These were agreed between us, to regain some of the trust in his ability to make good choices.

OP posts:
Sparklydress · 09/03/2017 22:16

He got sent straight to his room and stayed there all night, no tv, no dinner, no nothing

Seriously, how does that constitute good parenting?

Sparklydress · 09/03/2017 22:17

You sound so controlling, this will not end well.

Original poster
WhippinPiccadilly1 · 09/03/2017 22:17

I've said previously he can go back out if it isn't dark, but he needs to be home for tea unless he's eating it at a friends. He isn't allowed to go back out after 6 if it's just to hang on the streets or Park.

OP posts:
Userone1 · 09/03/2017 22:20

Sparkling, i had not even read your comments, just commenting on what OP has said

Userone1 · 09/03/2017 22:25

Sparkling, my son is now 23 and a credit to me. He has grown up with a balance of freedom, boundaries, consequences on the rare ocassion, like that one a punishment. The police never escorted him home again.

What would you have done out of interest?

Sparklingbrook · 09/03/2017 22:28

Are you asking me? Confused

Sparklydress · 09/03/2017 22:30

Oh, I didn't realise it was top trumps. Okay, I have a 20 year old who has survived going to a pretty rough school without getting involved with drugs or crime, an 18 year old national rugby player and a 14 year old who self harms (she has ASD).

I would have talked to the boy and worked with him rather than treated him like a naughty toddler.

Userone1 · 09/03/2017 22:31

Yes you said that does not constitute good parenting. So I'm asking you what you would done in the situation? Give me an example of what would have constituted good parenting in your view.