Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

to ask you if some people just can't love?

22 replies

dreamreckless · 09/03/2017 19:30

I mean me, so that's totally clear.

AIBU to think some people just can'tlove others, properly,the way they are meant to?

OP posts:

Eolian · 09/03/2017 19:34

I'm not sure there's really such thing as 'the way they are meant to'. Meant by whom? We are all different, and probably no two human beings in the world experience emotions like love in exactly the same way. Many people probably find it hard to love openly and fully if they have had traumatic experiences in relationships or in childhood, but that doesn't mean that they don't love people in their own way.

heyduggeeallday · 09/03/2017 19:37

I find it hard. I can't settle in relationships and prefer to be alone. Sometimes I long for someone to love but I know that two weeks in they will start to piss me off!!

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 09/03/2017 19:39

I was the third ltr my ex had experienced. He was too much of a selfish twat to manage an adult life so yeah if that was him unable to love anyone correctly then he was a big fail at it.

Original poster

dreamreckless · 09/03/2017 19:51

maybe, I don't really mean romantic relationships though.

OP posts:

tanfield90 · 09/03/2017 19:56

I've yet to find out for myself. At the ripe old age of 46 it's as if a higher power is saying, "Not you, tanfield, you'll screw it up!"

Original poster

dreamreckless · 09/03/2017 20:07

is it normal to not love your child, then?

OP posts:

StarlingMurderation · 09/03/2017 20:12

How old is your child? I think people quite often take a while to bond with their baby. Not everyone gets that overwhelming instantaneous rush of love. And even now, I love toddler DS more than anyone else in the world but I still like to get a break from him, and still find him bloody irritating sometimes. That's normal and does not mean you don't love them.

foxyloxy78 · 09/03/2017 20:12

Erm no I don't think that is normal. But then again what is normal? What's the background here?

Original poster

dreamreckless · 09/03/2017 20:17

Just turned 1.

OP posts:

SorenLorensonsInvisibleFriend · 09/03/2017 20:30

There are very different views of love. My own is that love is not a feeling, it's something you do. Do you keep your child safe, fed, warm and clean? That's the actions of love. It doesn't matter if you feel warm and fuzzy doing it, or if it's a grind - the fact that you are committed means the love is there. For me, love is a choice, not a feeling.

Also, it took me a long time to fall in love with my son (who is my beating heart now), but I felt myself fall instantly for my daughter. So, that was weird.

fueledbybacon · 09/03/2017 20:32

I can't love my narc mother.

Astoria7974 · 09/03/2017 20:37

It's not normal not to love your child, no. Do you have Post-Natal?

StumblyMonkey · 09/03/2017 20:38

It might be helpful to explain how you feel about your child....you say you don't love them so how would you say you feel about them?

VestalVirgin · 09/03/2017 20:45

I'd agree with Soren, but children need more than just being safe fed and warm, they also need attention

If you don't just lack warm and fuzzy feelings, but have no interest whatsoever in the child, then you should do something about it. (Like having someone else provide the "love" element, if that is not the case already.)

ToffeeForEveryone · 09/03/2017 20:51

I think you need to provide a bit more info OP.

Some people are more emotional than others. Do you feel other emotions strongly in your day to day?

I work with someone who is very emotional and frankly I'm astonished because it seems exhausting! I'm introverted and much more mental / analytical rather than emotional - I don't often "feel".

But I agree with pp that love is an action rather than a feeling, it's how you choose to behave that demonstrates love.

pullingmyhairout1 · 10/03/2017 06:13

Sounds to me like you have a bit of pnd but I'm not medically trained so I'm going to suggest a chat with your health visitor.

Trifleorbust · 10/03/2017 06:24

I think this is the last great taboo and you will likely be told you are ill. Perhaps that's true. Perhaps not. I do know that you are not the first and won't be the last person to feel like this.

picklemepopcorn · 10/03/2017 07:05

You and your child have a bit of a problem to resolve. There are a lot of things which could explain how you feel, and they can be worked on if you ask for help. The HV or GP are the best bet.

It depends what you mean- you can love someone and still get fed up with them, angry with them, impatient etc. So if you have mixed feelings, that is ok.

If you have no feelings, that could be a sign of depression which can get better with treatment.

If you had a traumatic or neglected childhood you could have attachment disorder which makes it hard to build healthy relationships.

You need support and help.

Your DC will be affected by this if you don't get help so please try. The baby's development relies on a connection with you to mature her brain. S/he needs you so s/he can regulate feelings, manage pain, learn how to connect with people.

It is t your fault, Please find some help.

picklemepopcorn · 10/03/2017 07:05

SORRY that should say isn't your fault!!!

makeourfuture · 10/03/2017 07:08

AIBU to think some people just can'tlove others, properly,the way they are meant to?

Tories?

Mittensonastring · 10/03/2017 08:46

I think that people can struggle to love or connect with others. Trauma from their pasts can mean Its harder to connect plus some other cognitive issues means they just won't show it in a more regular way.

Your obviously unhappy op so you need some help.

Wellmeetontheledge · 11/03/2017 18:55

My mum says she didn't really 'get it' until I could walk and talk. She looked after me but didn't feel 'a bond' until I was a full on person with a distinct personality. I think that's fair enough, she still isn't fussed about babies and prefers older children.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread