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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect a hug and kiss before school from 6 year old!

25 replies

ScattySuze · 09/03/2017 13:56

Quite saddened that since the start of year 1 she now doesn't want to kiss or hug me before going into school
She says she doesn't want her friends to see and it's embarrassing
Even when I say I love you as she goes into class she almost looks at me with anger as if I'm really annoying her
She's never been overly emotional and always quite independent but I've come away from the school feeling pretty sad about it
Am I being ridiculous?

OP posts:

PupPupBoogie · 09/03/2017 13:58

Yes YABU. no one should be expected to kiss or hug anyone. Its their choice.

Okite · 09/03/2017 14:00

You're NBU to feel a bit sad about it but YABU to expect it to change or to persist when she's told you she doesn't like it. Just part of them growing up I'm afraid. My DS is exactly the same, he won't hold hands or anything. It's their own bodily autonomy, they have the right to decide who they want to kiss.

TheRealPooTroll · 09/03/2017 14:03

Ah - one of my dc started this in yr 2. Would a high five be more acceptable? Or just 'have a great day'? It's a shame but some kids are quite sensitive to being seen to be a 'baby'. Is she affectionate at home?

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 09/03/2017 14:04

YANBU to feel sad but YABU to expect it. She's a human with feelings and has the right to choose what physical affection she shows.

ProseccoandPizza · 09/03/2017 14:04

My six year old DS is the opposite tbh as are lots of his friends. He always wants to check I'll wave to him through window and I always get a kiss and a cwtch from him.

Original poster

ScattySuze · 09/03/2017 14:06

No i agree.
I don't want her to kiss or hug me if she doesn't want to, I'm just sad she already feels under pressure from peers to feel embarrassed by that at only 6.
But part of it is me having to accept she just isn't that sort of child who seeks that physical contact with me as until a toddler she was a very clingy baby so I was used to a lot of affection from her

OP posts:

VestalVirgin · 09/03/2017 14:06

YABU. It is normal.

I recently saw a cartoon where a gay male couple stands at the school gates and one man says: "She doesn't want us to walk her to school because she finds us embarrassing", to which the other replies: "Finally we are just like all the other parents!"

Ecureuil · 09/03/2017 14:07

My 3 year old doesn't give me a hug and kiss before pre school, she doesn't even say goodbye! She gets to the door and is too excited to see her friends, and just runs in!

Original poster

ScattySuze · 09/03/2017 14:07

My younger child is the same at pre school, still likes me to walk her in and never would let me leave without a hug and a kiss so it's very obvious the difference

OP posts:

RNBrie · 09/03/2017 14:09

It's ok to be sad about it. Can you develop a secret sign so she's not embarrassed?

Instead of a "High 5", I do a "Low 1" with my older dc. We just touch the tip of one finger out of sight of anyone as she goes in. Or if she's too far away when the door opens, she gets a thumbs up.

I have found the more nonchalant I am about it, the more she wants a proper goodbye!

UpOnDown · 09/03/2017 14:10

My 3 year old DN always says no to a goodbye hug/kiss - but will seek physical contact at other times...

FirstSeemItThenBeIt · 09/03/2017 14:10

My daughter is six and has only recently started this; I don't think it's a peer pressure thing, I think it's just that she's starting to feel a bit more grown up and doesn't need the same level of affection to feel secure as a younger child might do.

It's a bit of a shame, but it's also really nice to see her developing and making her own choices about what she needs from me as her mother.

Hoppinggreen · 09/03/2017 14:11

Agree with another person at moody is under any obligation to kiss anyone.
My DD has never been very tactile and hasn't wanted to be kissed from a very early age, even before she started school. Sad but it's how she is.
Her brother is 8 and loves hugs and kisses, even at school

Trifleorbust · 09/03/2017 14:29

Of course it's not unreasonable for you to be sad! I'm sure you would never force affection on her (ignore the deeply serious 'consent' posters - she's 6 and you're her mum) but there's nothing wrong with wishing for it

MatildaTheCat · 09/03/2017 14:34

At six she may actually secretly like the reassurance of a hug and a kiss even though she's too cool for school.

How about a quick cuddle before leaving the house with each of you wishing the others a nice day?

Gottagetmoving · 09/03/2017 14:42

Its ok to be sad but it is ok for your dd to go through this phase.
Be confident she loves you.

Callaird · 09/03/2017 14:58

I was just talking about this with friends yesterday.

Not my children but children I have nannied for, I saw one of my ex-charges yesterday, looked after him aged 3 months to 4 years and have seen him regularly since, he's 20 this year 😮

He's a jockey, I went to see him race yesterday, came second (was predicted 10th), got back to the parade ring, jumped off his horse, ran over to me saying you always bring me good luck when you come to watch me, huge smacker on the cheek and a huge squeeze, he's always been very huggy and kissy in private but much more reserved in public, it made me cry!! His twin was always touchy, feely when ever he wanted affection, I remember picking them up from school and him coming barrelling out of the door and knocking me on my bum to give me a cuddle!! Now he'll only give me a hug if no one is watching but still very cuddly in private.

She'll always love you and she'll come back round when she feels more confident!!

2rebecca · 09/03/2017 15:26

I think not wanting public displays of affection from a parent is just part of growing up. Would you feel the same if she was a boy? Saying "I love you" every time she goes in to school does sound a bit cutesie. Fine if she needs it but it sounds as though it's now more for your benefit than for hers. Time to change to a cheerful wave goodbye and save the hugging and kissing for bedtime or when she needs/ wants it not as a school gate ritual.

Original poster

ScattySuze · 09/03/2017 16:42

I don't have boys but I'm pretty sure I would feel the same as to me 6 is so so young!!!
Not going to force her of course! She is very affectionate at bed time, when unwell or just when she feels like it but isn't the time to sit on a lap constantly or cuddle on the sofa whilst whatching a film, but will sit beside and hold a hand 😃

OP posts:

NotCitrus · 09/03/2017 17:17

Sounds like 5yo dd.
On the plus side, possibly because KS2 is quite demanding, my 8yo ds now rushes up to me after school and gives me the most enormous hug! There are compensations.

A dn I hadn't seen much for a few years, but used to babysit a lot, used to run up to the door to open it for me and hug me round the knees/thighs/waist as he grew up. So given he was now taller than me I had steeled myself to this not happening. Rang the doorbell, he opened it and ran to me and dropped to his knees to hug me at the same height as before. I might have had a tear in my eye.

Original poster

ScattySuze · 09/03/2017 21:39

I just miss her being small I think
I'm finding it hard her growing up and wanting so much independence

OP posts:

987flowers · 09/03/2017 21:43

I would be sad too. Mine are y3 and y6 and still kiss me (although the older one does it round the corner!)

ByStarlight · 09/03/2017 21:49

YANBU- I know I'll be devastated when my DS starts doing that. He is 6 now, and still very affectionate. I work away a lot, so I don't get to collect him from school very often - but the days that I do turn up, he always drops his bag and runs over and launches himself at me in a huge bear hug, in front of all his friends and the other parents. Perhaps it's the novelty that helps. If I was there every day he probably wouldn't be as dramatic!

RiversrunWoodville · 09/03/2017 21:53

YANBU to feel sad my 6yo dd has started to call me mum instead of mummy and although I haven't passed comment it hurts, especially as DH is still daddy

Witchend · 09/03/2017 22:54

I think they grow up at different rates and if you try and force a hug/kiss/secret sign then if they don't want to do it you'll end up pushing them away from choosing to give physical affection..

My youngest is year 5 and he's just this year started not wanting to hold hands on the way in and out of school if there's others around. When I say not wanting to, he will take my hand, then remember and let go. I leave it to him to choose, perhaps giving a little squeeze when he does. Today I was picking him up early and he held my hand all the way out.

But I do see it as a good thing that he's growing up, and being able to feel that he's older and able to make that sort of choice. It does also make it extra special when he does choose to hold my hand.

My teen girls are now back into giving a kiss goodbye, although I'm not sure they would do it in front of friends, they do it most morning on the way out of the door. They didn't at junior level.

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