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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed that DH can only do fun bits of parenting?

111 replies

AliChampion · 08/03/2017 23:18

We have three DC, soon to be four. I know you're going to ask why I had four DC with him if I have an issue with this and obviously I'm wondering that myself, hence this post.

He doesn't do anything practical for the DC. He doesn't know what they have in their packed lunch, what time hobbies are, who their friends are, what they're learning at school. He works shifts which are mostly nights so he's around the DC a lot but I know friends DHs who work away all week are closer to and more capable with their DC. He hasn't ever done homework or reading with them, on school days (even when he's off and hasn't been working nights) he stays in bed while I do everything. If one of the DC have a hobby or party to go to, they'll all choose to come with me rather than stay with him.

He's willing to play with them but if they become difficult or start arguing then he walks away. He doesn't do nappies or night wakings, he hasn't ever disciplined them. I've spoken to him about it being ridiculous that I can never leave the house without DC and that he should be able to look after them by now and he said he'll try. This 'trying' consisted on him asking DD (5) if he should brush her hair after her shower, she screamed no and threw the hairbrush at him and he just walked off to make a coffee.

I've been really sick so far this pregnancy and it's really grating on me that I'm doing everything within the home and literally everything practical with and for the DC. If I had to have a cesarean he'd be absolutely buggered. The icing on the cake came today when he said he didn't think he'd bother taking paternity leave because I'm more than capable and he can't do anything for the older DC anyway Shock

OP posts:
AnoiseAnnoysanOyster · 09/03/2017 16:32

Why did he have children and why is he agreeing to more?

Original poster
AliChampion · 09/03/2017 22:12

His mum wouldn't look after them if we split; she already looks after SILs three under five all week, she couldn't cope with anymore.

He likes being seen to be a family man Anoise but not actually doing any of the work involved.

I took the two youngest out today to the farm because I've been busy with jobs and cleaning and appointments all week and they've been fab. I left a basket of washing to hang out and hadn't done the hoovering. He went home for lunch for two hours but it didn't occur to him to do either job, or wash up his lunch things. I do feel it'd be easier alone to be truthful.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 09/03/2017 22:16

They won't shower for him so YOU make them do it at an inconvenient time for them.
How is that not stepping in?
You need to take a big step back and make him pick up the slack. Or he could leave.
You are teaching any girl children to be a skivvy and boys to expect girls to do bloody everything.

Original poster
AliChampion · 09/03/2017 22:22

It's backing him up rather than stepping in. He tells them that if they don't shower it'll have to be at a time inconvenient to them, he isn't there the following day but I still follow through.

OP posts:
mickeysminnie · 09/03/2017 22:31

So your husband is the only one who has no consequences for his useless behaviour? The children suffer and you suffer but he gets off Scott free?
As for 'I am supporting him, because these are the consequences HE has laid out!' Really, you are letting him punish your kids for his inability or more likely his lack of interest in doing anything for his family.

Original poster
AliChampion · 09/03/2017 22:47

Precisely Minnie, that's what I realise and am fed up of doing. He has put in zero groundwork and then wonders why they don't do a thing he says or show him any respect at all and I have to reprimand then for it when it isn't actually their fault.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 09/03/2017 23:10

There are two rules with discipline. Don't make the punishment punish other people and don't make someone else responsible for the punishment you decide.

He breaks both of those.

Butterymuffin · 09/03/2017 23:36

Make him face the consequences then. The time you spend picking up slack for him should be taken away from stuff you do for him. I wouldn't be doing anything for him at this point anyway (and by that I mean laundry, cooking, buying him a newspaper, ANYTHING) anyway, but since you do, you at least have things to withdraw.

I would also stop backing him up. He doesn't act in any way like a responsible parent so why should he get the respect owed to one? It's not even as if it's making any difference to the way the kids act with him. It just makes you look unfair. Which is actually what you are being.

If he 'likes to be seen as a family man', jut does nothing, I would stop covering that up too. Tell people how little he does. Make him as embarrassed as he should be about it.

You'll think all this sounds very hostile. I say desperate times call for desperate measures.

ollieplimsoles · 09/03/2017 23:42

*I'm going to shorten the heck out of a long learning experience.
The unconscious set up is:
Men are competitive
They undervalue what women do
Coming 2nd (effectivly last) in a low value activity holds no appeal to them so they would rather not compete.

This for instance is why they have " their special meals" and " their jobs" so they can be "best"

Some dads need to get the fuck over themselves and accept that 2nd in the entire world is not the same as last.
That having a vagina doesn't involve having a parenting manual implanted in our brains and understand we are making this shit up as we go along just like everybody else.*

Jesus Christ RED- PILLED!! Shock

ollieplimsoles · 09/03/2017 23:42

Sorry bold fail there but that's one of the best things ive ever read on here!!

CrikeyPeg · 09/03/2017 23:52

It must be hard for you to have any respect for this man-child. Butterymuffin has good ideas at 23:36:51.

Pallisers · 10/03/2017 03:33

It must be hard for you to have any respect for this man-child.

She had enough... something ... for him to get pregnant for a fourth time by him.

I really cannot understand this.

Either the OP is married to a man who is mentally incapable of living life as an adult - in which case, wouldn't be for me, but presumably she made her choice to have children with him

or

She married a selfish, incompetent fool and then kept procreating with him even though he repeatedly demonstrated that he was incapable/unwilling to act like an adult and help rear his children. In which case presumably she just wanted to have children and didn't mind that she was having them with this useless article.

Either way, 4 children on is a bit late to be surprised at his incompetence.

Honestly, OP, he doesn't sound like he is the full shilling the way you describe him.

PiesDescalzos · 10/03/2017 06:02

That post by 665 really struck me hard too ollie I think I read it over about 4 times!! It really made the situation I grew up in make sense.

IamFriedSpam · 10/03/2017 07:06

Apologies if I'm wrong but there's an OP that continually posted about her "useless" DH while also posting on the fertility boards trying to get pregnant with her 4th. That acts as a massive gatekeeper to keep her kids distant from her husband (had her kids spy on him etc.). Moaned that he took on extra shifts when he got pregnant with her fourth. Deliberately keeps the kids away from DH then moans that he's not close to him. If you are that OP YABVU.

Original poster
AliChampion · 10/03/2017 07:18

Not me Spam. DH likes to reduce shifts telling his boss he needs to be home to help with the DC Angry Yet when the DC and I had a sickness bug a fortnight ago he conveniently had to take on some extra shifts so I was up all night and still had to get up to take ones that were temporarily unaffected to school/nursery.

OP posts:
IamFriedSpam · 10/03/2017 07:20

In that case YANBU!

MorrisZapp · 10/03/2017 07:30

You have every right to be annoyed, but he won't change. He knows you'll do it all and it's a bit late now to try to get him to be an involved father.

mickeysminnie · 10/03/2017 08:56

I'm sorry but YOU are just as responsible for this situation as your husband is.
You discipline your children when you know the fault is their fathers.
You continue to bring more children into the situation rather than resolve it.
The only people I feel sorry for are your children!

taptonaria27 · 10/03/2017 09:11

OP you keep relying with further examples of his uselessness - nobody is disagreeing with you that he is utterly useless.
What are YOU going to do to force change? It's clearly not going to come from him but this is your (& your kids) life, if you don't like it it's up to you to change it.
There have been many suggestions from LTB to leaving him to it - what can you do today to change something?

AnoiseAnnoysanOyster · 10/03/2017 09:37

The only people I feel sorry for are your children!

Me too. And they're growing up and will wonder why their father can't be bothered with them.

CurrantBuns · 10/03/2017 09:55

Print out this entire thread and leave it at home next time he's in and you have to take the kids out. Reading everyone's comments about how horrendous his behaviour is should shame him into upping his game.

Note3 · 10/03/2017 20:02

Taptonaria I agree. I've not seen any acknowledgement of any suggestions made and how OP can adapt some to try. All I see is a desire to keep citing examples of how useless he is and like you say no one is disputing that.

Makes me feel OP just here for a rant, not a change.

neonrainbow · 10/03/2017 20:31

What are you going to do about it op?

ollieplimsoles · 10/03/2017 21:04

Me too pies I read it out to my husband as it describes my dad to a T. My whole childhood now makes sense thanks to 665

Original poster
AliChampion · 10/03/2017 23:14

He wouldn't attend counselling. He agreed he's useless then forgets what we've discussed within a week or two and carries on like everything is hunky dory. Between the two of us, things are fine. I can see he loves the DC but his inaction is going to leave me with the only option being to leave him.

OP posts: