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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed that DH can only do fun bits of parenting?

111 replies

AliChampion · 08/03/2017 23:18

We have three DC, soon to be four. I know you're going to ask why I had four DC with him if I have an issue with this and obviously I'm wondering that myself, hence this post.

He doesn't do anything practical for the DC. He doesn't know what they have in their packed lunch, what time hobbies are, who their friends are, what they're learning at school. He works shifts which are mostly nights so he's around the DC a lot but I know friends DHs who work away all week are closer to and more capable with their DC. He hasn't ever done homework or reading with them, on school days (even when he's off and hasn't been working nights) he stays in bed while I do everything. If one of the DC have a hobby or party to go to, they'll all choose to come with me rather than stay with him.

He's willing to play with them but if they become difficult or start arguing then he walks away. He doesn't do nappies or night wakings, he hasn't ever disciplined them. I've spoken to him about it being ridiculous that I can never leave the house without DC and that he should be able to look after them by now and he said he'll try. This 'trying' consisted on him asking DD (5) if he should brush her hair after her shower, she screamed no and threw the hairbrush at him and he just walked off to make a coffee.

I've been really sick so far this pregnancy and it's really grating on me that I'm doing everything within the home and literally everything practical with and for the DC. If I had to have a cesarean he'd be absolutely buggered. The icing on the cake came today when he said he didn't think he'd bother taking paternity leave because I'm more than capable and he can't do anything for the older DC anyway

OP posts:

Flisstizzy · 09/03/2017 12:59

I think you need to book a long weekend away for yourself and MAKE him step up.
Although with the level of uselessness you are reporting on here it wouldn't surprise me if he got his mum in to pick up the slack if you did go away.
I think you need to use the 'bollock the fuck'out of him approach PP's have suggested above.

TheViceOfReason · 09/03/2017 13:07

What do you want anyone to say to you?

As long as you allow him to behave like this and just put up with it, he won't change.

Tell him to stop being so fucking pathetic and start acting like an adult - and if he doesn't, get rid - he clearly makes your life harder.

And yes, it was absolute madness having a FOURTH child in this situation.

SapphireStrange · 09/03/2017 13:08

He's royally taking the piss. He's not incompetent or he wouldn't be holding down a job. He just doesn't want to do any parenting or his share of the work at home.

Bollocks to what Note3 says – that's just more work for you. 'gentle but firm reminders' He's not a child or a horse.

Tell him straight: step up and do your share. Don't listen to any shit about how he can't, or he doesn't know. And stop running round after him, for fuck's sake!

ThereIsIron · 09/03/2017 13:14

It sounds like you're about to have your 5th child rather than your 4th. Your DCs have no bond with him - seems like he's just a man who lives in their house. Very sad really as this will affect your DCs in ways you may not know of yet (it probably already has to an extent).

I can't offer any advice as my DH appears to be the polar opposite of yours.

Alaia5 · 09/03/2017 13:23

OP I also have 4 DC and my DH is slightly like this, though he is able to discipline the kids and they don't mess him about. In his case, it's because he was away with work a lot, plus always e-mailing / working on evenings and weekends too and was "out of the loop" really.

I gave up bothering asking him to do any practical tasks because it was just easier and quicker to do it myself. On the other hand, he was always very good at taking them out for the day, to and from friends houses or hobbies, or on camping trips and as the DC have got older he's come into his own with this kind of thing. So I tried to focus on the positives!

When the DC were babies he would sometimes carry them round to settle them. He did the odd nappy, but never bathed them or fed them. He never cooks. He has no idea where things are in the kitchen or what they need for school and has nothing to do with laundry. I can cope with this because I know he's very busy with work constantly (plus I have a cleaner to do some tasks). However, the most stressful thing for me would be that he could be home in the evening and be on his computer in the middle of the kitchen, even though he has an office. DC could all be wanting something / arguing / in total chaos and he would never look up from what he was doing. It was as if he was in a sound proofed box. That was the most stressful thing for me - when you expect them to get involved but they don't. I think sometimes the DC play up more when they see a parent who is there, but not available iyswim.

Sorry I don't have much advice except to say maybe try taking yourself out of situations more - maybe for the whole day so he is forced to find his own strategies. In retrospect, this is what I should have done more. Looking back, I don't know why I should have felt guilty about leaving DH with our DC.

notinagreatplace · 09/03/2017 13:28

A man who was so incapable of caring for his child that he let you do it when you were literally pushing another one out is not going to change.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/03/2017 13:37

Disgusting thing to say about paternity leave. Why keep having babies if he's not pulling his weight? You need a plan to tackle this, don't you? Or is he wanting to keep you barefoot and pregnant?

nachogazpacho · 09/03/2017 13:38

He's never going to do it. You can't do anything about it. He's had room from you to get involved, he's just not interested.

So you have to factor him out of the picture. If you think you are going to need help in the mornings to get them all ready with baby, then look at hiring some help - a childminder perhaps? I don't know who you could hire to help with this but there must be something out there for lone parents?

I would just not bother 'educating' him as he doesn't want to know. You will be banging your head against a brick wall. Personally, I can't live with someone so selfish who won't parent their own children, as it drives me potty when they obviously don't give a shit about your needs. It's like they put themselves top, children second, you at the bottom.

nachogazpacho · 09/03/2017 13:41

I don't believe with people like this you can have the normal 'I need help' conversations. Or 'can you please do x, y, z' as they literally don't give a shit. Therefore don't berate yourself with not having sorted him out or teaching him about consequences. His mum should have done that when he was a kid. If he doesn't get it as an adult he is disordered and you can do nothing about that.

All you need to think is: can I live with this sort of person? How can I make my life easier if I live with this person? How can I make my life easier if i don't live with this person?

gillybeanz · 09/03/2017 13:41

He's not a parent at all.
I don't know the answer tbh, it's obvious you were happy for it to be this way or he'd have parented from the start.
You need to talk to him and maybe suggest some parenting classes and stepping up to his role for the sake of your children.

nachogazpacho · 09/03/2017 13:46

And.....even if you leave him with the dc all day or say 'I'm not putting up with this anymore' it will make zero difference. He'll take the kids to his mums. He'll say 'it doesn't matter about not brushing teeth for one day'.

It's not our job to teach our partners how to be kind, thoughtful people. It's their responsibility to be like that and they're fault if they're not.

TiredMumToTwo · 09/03/2017 13:53

I think Note is right but I certainly wouldn't have the patience for this - there is no way I would live like this. I know it's a bit late seeing as you're waiting for number 4 but I would have left after the first child if this was his attitude - fuck that!!

53rdAndBird · 09/03/2017 14:00

Have you posted about him before? If not it's maybe worth searching the Talk archives, because there was someone in a similar situation (last year I think?) who got a lot of advice.

This seems to go way beyond normal even for the most useless of fathers. Your DP seems passive to an absolutely pathological level. It is not normal to spend 45 minutes faffing around with a hairbrush and still not actually manage to brush a 3-year-old's hair. It is not normal that you're dragging yourself about dealing with night wakeups in the later stages of labour because he was too helpless to sort DC himself. It isn't normal that you think that is even acceptable!

Have you looked into family therapy to figure out WTF is going on that either of you think this is a reasonable way to live, and how you can fix it for yourself and your DC? Does he have some kind of diagnosed mental health issue or developmental disability that explains his pathological passiveness? Have you considered getting counselling yourself to work out what on earth you're still doing in this relationship? There is something deeply dysfunctional going on here and it needs more than grumbling on Mumsnet to fix.

Original poster

AliChampion · 09/03/2017 14:29

A few weeks ago one of the DC had a sporting competition two hours away and he fully expected me to take all three while he stayed at home 'to do some jobs'....! I told him it was too far and boring for the younger ones and that he could keep them at home. He told his mum what was happening and lo and behold they arranged between them that PIL would come over. Even then, they let the 3 year old sleep from 3-5.30 (I got back at 6.30) so I was up until 11.30 that night with her and the house was a tip. The DC only see MIL once every two months or so but she's better with them, and they'll more happily stay with her, than him. However, she thinks the sun shines out of DHs backside. When I returned from that competition, he went into the garden and 3 year old asked if we could go outside. I said no because I'm about to put tea on the table and she started crying. When DH came in MIL said 'she was desperate to go outside with you' to explain the crying Even DH gave her a 'really?!' look!

I have given him the it's totally pathetic that you're in charge of adults at work but ruled by children at home talk repeatedly and though he makes a tiny bit more effort for a bit, nothing much changes. That does leave me with the dilemma that if I leave then the DC would not be happy to see him alone and I wouldn't be satisfied that he could care for them.

Wolfie It's not always possible to leave him to deal with upset though - like the hairbrushing. I don't want to step in and undermine him so I let her go to nursery with messy hair but then she's upset and nursery have to deal with it.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 09/03/2017 14:32

So you step in every time and he knows he can get out of being a parent?

Original poster

AliChampion · 09/03/2017 14:42

I just said the precise opposite wolfie. If they don't let him brush hair, it goes unbridled. If they refuse to shower when he asks them, I make them do it an inconvenient time for them instead. I never step in but he also never sees it through and I don't feel it's fair on the DC to continue like this.

OP posts:

Original poster

AliChampion · 09/03/2017 14:43

*unbrushed

OP posts:

Pallisers · 09/03/2017 14:50

*This seems to go way beyond normal even for the most useless of fathers. Your DP seems passive to an absolutely pathological level. It is not normal to spend 45 minutes faffing around with a hairbrush and still not actually manage to brush a 3-year-old's hair. It is not normal that you're dragging yourself about dealing with night wakeups in the later stages of labour because he was too helpless to sort DC himself. It isn't normal that you think that is even acceptable!

I agree with this completely. Is there something wrong with him?

ElspethFlashman · 09/03/2017 15:00

That does leave me with the dilemma that if I leave then the DC would not be happy to see him alone and I wouldn't be satisfied that he could care for them.

Nonsense - your MIL would care for them and you know it. She would step up because Golden Boy would leave her no choice. And they prefer her, so it would be fine. There's no damage in being raised alternately by a good Mum and a kind Granny.

SaltandPepperRibs · 09/03/2017 15:04

What is the fucking point in this useless waste of space of a man? I couldn't possibly find home attractive.

Don't leave, kick him out. It'll be easier for you and DCs.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/03/2017 15:06

I know a father of three like this. They did eventually divorce and now he's stepped up. Because he has to. He's father of the fucking year now.

He can do it. He chooses not to.

BhajiAllTheWay · 09/03/2017 15:17

This is crazy OP. Don't carry on being in this situation. I'd say try for some counselling to find the root cause of this because it just is not normal. Is there nobody on your side who could talk to him even? I seriously would be so angry I'd have to issue an ultimatum ..either he steps up or that's it.

ApplePaltrow21 · 09/03/2017 15:28

Which is more pathetic: to refuse to do more than 1% of the actual parenting of your own children or to have four children with someone who refuses to do more than 1% of the parenting of their own children? Not even really close together so it happened before it was obvious that he was a crappy father. Like, six years later you had to think - yeah let's do this again.

Agree with other people that this is way beyond "telling him to step up". There's something deeply wrong here. Is he mentally incapable in some way?

neonrainbow · 09/03/2017 15:55

Wowee he's got you well trained. You're both giving your children a terrible example.

Hissy · 09/03/2017 16:20

Your kids don't actually know him, trust me, they won't miss him.

Divorce him, sort out the maintenance and then actually you'll have life a lot easier, you'll know where you are, you'll have money to care for them and your kids will be happy, cared for and well.

He can go and live at his mothers.

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