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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed that DH can only do fun bits of parenting?

111 replies

AliChampion · 08/03/2017 23:18

We have three DC, soon to be four. I know you're going to ask why I had four DC with him if I have an issue with this and obviously I'm wondering that myself, hence this post.

He doesn't do anything practical for the DC. He doesn't know what they have in their packed lunch, what time hobbies are, who their friends are, what they're learning at school. He works shifts which are mostly nights so he's around the DC a lot but I know friends DHs who work away all week are closer to and more capable with their DC. He hasn't ever done homework or reading with them, on school days (even when he's off and hasn't been working nights) he stays in bed while I do everything. If one of the DC have a hobby or party to go to, they'll all choose to come with me rather than stay with him.

He's willing to play with them but if they become difficult or start arguing then he walks away. He doesn't do nappies or night wakings, he hasn't ever disciplined them. I've spoken to him about it being ridiculous that I can never leave the house without DC and that he should be able to look after them by now and he said he'll try. This 'trying' consisted on him asking DD (5) if he should brush her hair after her shower, she screamed no and threw the hairbrush at him and he just walked off to make a coffee.

I've been really sick so far this pregnancy and it's really grating on me that I'm doing everything within the home and literally everything practical with and for the DC. If I had to have a cesarean he'd be absolutely buggered. The icing on the cake came today when he said he didn't think he'd bother taking paternity leave because I'm more than capable and he can't do anything for the older DC anyway Shock

OP posts:
neonrainbow · 09/03/2017 04:48

God some men out there really are fucking pathetic. What do you see in someone who is so useless that he can't even supervise a child brushing their teeth!? How could you find him attractive enough to want to have sex with!?

He shouldn't have to be trained and supervised. He should just do it. Where is your self esteem that you put up with this?

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/03/2017 05:05

The way I see it, the children have become 'your job' and it's very hard to parent from a totally cold start.

However not knowing where the recycling goes after seven years is a choice. Letting you deal with the children 45 minutes from giving birth is a choice. Leaving the room and making a coffee instead of stepping up is a choice.

Not being good at something can be dealt with. Someone who is actively trying to avoid hard work is not 'trainable' he doesn't want to.

annandale · 09/03/2017 05:16

he sounds utterly useless but it does slightly sound like learned helplessness.

I think Note3 has got the best approach. You are going to have to explicitly coach him through every task to begin with. You might have to tell him you're going to do this because his assumption now is that a) he doesn't have to and he never will have to do it b) nothing he tries will work c) it doesn't really matter because he assumes that children parent themselves, i.e. he's never sat in the dentist's finding out that his slackness on toothbrushing means his child has four fillings and an extraction at the age of 6.

PollytheDolly · 09/03/2017 05:43

So he can't swim? You holding him afloat isn't going to make him a swimmer. Let him go, he'll either sink or swim.

In other words, you must leave him too it. I think you deserve a spa day myself Grin

EveOnline2016 · 09/03/2017 06:04

I would suggest he goes on a parenting course.

He may be biological the dc father but he isn't no parent.

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 09/03/2017 06:57

I'm going to shorten the heck out of a long learning experience.
The unconscious set up is:
Men are competitive
They undervalue what women do
Coming 2nd (effectivly last) in a low value activity holds no appeal to them so they would rather not compete.

This for instance is why they have " their special meals" and " their jobs" so they can be "best"

Some dads need to get the fuck over themselves and accept that 2nd in the entire world is not the same as last.
That having a vagina doesn't involve having a parenting manual implanted in our brains and understand we are making this shit up as we go along just like everybody else.

Original poster
AliChampion · 09/03/2017 07:29

No matter how much I just leave him to it though, it doesn't get done and just results in upset for the DC. Last week I did everything before school/nursery as usual but asked him to brush our three year olds hair while I made breakfast. We had 45 minutes until we had to leave, he went through twenty different negotiations and games and didn't get it done so she went with messy hair. He can never just tell them something needs to be done and do it, he has to game play and negotiate which very rarely works but still he persists.

OP posts:
Thattimeofyearagain · 09/03/2017 07:33

Id have used the phrase" Just fucking do it!!" long ago.

roundtable · 09/03/2017 07:38

Has he grown up in an overly authoritarian household or completely lax one as a child? Sounds like he has issues.

How have you not lost your shit by now?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 09/03/2017 07:40

Pathetic. Let it be a warning to anyone else considering having children with a man child. I couldn't respect him.

Hissy · 09/03/2017 07:51

Nobody, but NOBODY is this useless.

He IS being useless on purpose. It's passive aggressive and deeply disrespectful

Get someone to watch the kids for 30mins, take him somewhere remote and BOLLOCK THE FUCK OUT OF HIM.

fairweathercyclist · 09/03/2017 08:24

A grown man lets a 5 year old throw a hairbrush at him and does nothing?

What is his job? Is he bullied at work? Why is he so passive? There's something else going on here.

Not knowing where the recycling goes? Really? No grown-up can be this useless.

Clutterbugsmum · 09/03/2017 08:32

I'd be have a very firm conversation with him, giving him two choices either man up and stop being a shit dad or pack up and leave as I am no longer willing to be a parent to him as well.

He know full well what he doing, he know what other parent do he is choosing not to do it.

Oh and if he chooses to stay then he is responsible for all his personal needs ie washing his clothes, cooking his dinner and clearing up after himself. As well as parenting his children along with you.

Mamia15 · 09/03/2017 08:40

I seriously hope you are not doing his personal chores e.g laundry, ironing, cooking , shopping?

Your DC must be absorbing all kind of crap about how women should be treated.

ElspethFlashman · 09/03/2017 08:50

He's basically their Uncle.

Actually even Uncles would be more useful than him.

But I do agree that he has ALWAYS been like this - he was like this after #1, and #2, and #3.......

I think he knows he doesn't have to make an effort. Not only will nothing change, but you'll keep on having more kids with him!

I mean, you're effectively a single parent and you are so good at it that you're having a 4th child - why does he need to change?

Where are the consequences for his behaviour? None, that I can see.

ElspethFlashman · 09/03/2017 08:51

Your DC must be absorbing all kind of crap about how women should be treated

And what shit women will put up with year after year.

PollytheDolly · 09/03/2017 09:39

*Nobody, but NOBODY is this useless.

He IS being useless on purpose. It's passive aggressive and deeply disrespectful

Get someone to watch the kids for 30mins, take him somewhere remote and BOLLOCK THE FUCK OUT OF HIM.*

Totally agree.

neonrainbow · 09/03/2017 09:48

Op why do you put up with this?

DonaldStott · 09/03/2017 09:56

You know what he is like, yet you have chosen for a fourth time, to have a baby with him.

He is a crap dad. He is a crap husband.

I fail to understand how you can any respect for this waste of space, let alone shag him.

DonaldStott · 09/03/2017 09:56

*have any

BlackeyedSusan · 09/03/2017 12:36

He gets away with it as this us your normal. I suspect it started small and you took on more and more and more until now you are feeling sick and it is just dawning on you that this is not what it should be like.

people have kids with unsuitable men as they do not always realise what a terrible parent they are going to be until they have had a child or two and they are still not stepping up to the mark. Nor can they see how disfunctional family life is as this is what theyare used to . or may-be they did not want to leave and let him get unsupervised access.

The question should not be why you had kids with him, but what are you going to do now, now you can see it is not working as you want, or as it should.

Skooba · 09/03/2017 12:44

No staying in bed.
Get him to follow you around (without his phone) until he gets the hang of it.

Be prepared to do this for a few months until he realises his life will be easier if he actually does something off his own bat.

Hissy · 09/03/2017 12:51

I'm just astonished that knowing what a complete waste of space he was with the first kind that you can even bear to shag him at all, let alone have more kids with him!

Is he seemingly incapable of using condoms too?

Hissy · 09/03/2017 12:51

kid, not kind

Wolfiefan · 09/03/2017 12:55

Results in upset for the kids. Again let him deal with it.
He is saying he can't do it. He is creating a mess which you then clear up. Don't. He needs to step up and do it. Stop enabling him or ask him to leave. He's setting a shit example for the kids and is contributing pretty much fuck all.