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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to hate being a SAHM

65 replies

Za1ny · 08/03/2017 20:53

I'm fed up.
I honestly didn't expect to hate this life but I do. I have two daughters one is 3.4 years and the baby is 10 months. All the baby wants to do is breastfeed constantly. I'm not lying I feel as though she has around 20 breastfeeds a day and yes she keeps me up at night nursing!
She doesn't seem interested in food I've tried spoon feeding / blwing but she prefers milk and no she won't take a bottle
Hv don't give a shit as baby is currently on 75th centile and hitting all milestones. She does eat food don't get me wrong but will still need the milk.
What about me though I am absolutely fed up. It's not just the bfing it's everything.
I have no support from anyone. Dh works long and couldn't really give a fuck when he comes home as he is 'tired' and my parents don't care either.

I've been ill for two weeks with the flu (the proper stuff I'm sure of it!) and nobody has bothered to ask if I need a hand with the kids or if I need anything. I feel like absolute shit/ It's been two weeks I've been ill but even when I'm not ill I just don't like this life.
I was fine when I only had dd1 but since having the baby I've started to feel like this. I left my well paid job like an idiot as I thought I'd want to be a sahm but no actually I don't

I've applied for another job but with no success.

i have no friends to talk to about this they are all single and with no kids and don't understand

I've got a dentist appointment tomorrow which I almost cancelled as I'm still under the weather but you know what, in going because I need a fucking break!!!! I will be on that dentist chair thinking this is bliss, half an hour to myself

OP posts:
cuddlesandchips · 08/03/2017 20:56

Not a breastfeeding expert by any means but at 10 months then surely a 'no' is a good place to start? Presumably she has little interest in food because she gets BF on demand.

I would make plans to go back to work to be honest - SAHMing wasn't for me either and I went back at 18m after having DD and am much happier now than if I'd persevered. It's not for everyone and it's fine to say that.

Original poster
Za1ny · 08/03/2017 20:58

When I say no she screams the place down and I mean screams and I just cannot cope with that level of crying it frightens me. She gets so upset and it reminds me of an episode when she was 2 weeks where we were admitted to hospital for suspected sepsis

OP posts:
Wishfulmakeupping · 08/03/2017 20:58

Not sure how much help I can be but I'm a sahm too and it can be tough and that's with help from my dh at teatimes and bedtimes so for you it must Be even harder. I think the main thing that stuck out to me is if you had some people to moan to it helps- I go to a couple of baby/toddler groups and now have a few friends from them that I can chat to about how hard it is/boring it gets sometimes plus it keeps the dc entertained- do you have any you go?

AlmostAJillSandwich · 08/03/2017 21:00

It does sound like you may have PND. Have you spoken to a doctor about how you're feeling?

Jayfee · 08/03/2017 21:00

I skipped down the road the day I started back at work part time. I breast fed both children till 9 months. Being a mum can be bitter sweet. Value yourself.
You sound like a lovely mum but make sure you cut yourself some slack.

Original poster
Za1ny · 08/03/2017 21:02

I don't have any baby groups that I go to. We live in quite a remote area. There are some baby groups but they are too far to walk to and I don't drive

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 08/03/2017 21:03

Sounds really tough: sorry you're having a bad time.

Have you told your DH how you feel and asked him to reduce his hours and do a fair share of the parenting?

Do you have funds to pay for some ad hoc childcare to take a break sometimes?

Loopytiles · 08/03/2017 21:03

Learning to drive would be good.

Perhaps a mental health check too? In case you have PND.

Original poster
Za1ny · 08/03/2017 21:04

I do feel as though I have pnd at times. It's been non stop since my dd2 was born. First she was in hospital at two weeks and then not long after we moved house (where I packed and unpacked everything myself with a 4 month old) and since Dec it's either me or the kids coming down with something

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Justwantcookies · 08/03/2017 21:05

Yes you are being unreasonable. It's your choice to be a sahm as I assume your husband supports you financially. I'd give anything to be able to have that choice of staying home with my kids.

If you hate it, go back to work and put them with a childminder.

Loopytiles · 08/03/2017 21:07

Bit of goady fuckery eh justwantcookies?

Ignore them OP. It sounds like you've been through a lot, and that your DH isn't there for you.

alltogethernow123 · 08/03/2017 21:08

I'll probably be flamed for this but if I were you I'd be going for a bottle and persevering until it works. Don't let crying frighten you - it's not nice but neither is losing your own sanity.

Astoria7974 · 08/03/2017 21:10

I personally would let the 10 month old cry it out for a day. It won't kill her. But if not bfing makes you feel better that's the main thing- your kids need a healthy mum more than they need breastmilk.

Original poster
Za1ny · 08/03/2017 21:10

learning how to drive is my aim for this year, I hope to start taking some lessons soon.
Dh knows how I feel but he doesn't seem to care - as I made the choice to be a sahm i should just deal with it all apparently! He is Rarely at home and he would never reduce his hours to help out unfortunately.

Dd2 has recently started nursery and it does help as the baby can sleep peacefully and I can have a moment to myself but she's only been a few days as this week I haven't had the energy to get her up and ready and take her. Maybe once she goes properly I will feel a lot better?

OP posts:
Slothlikesundays · 08/03/2017 21:11

Where is your partner in all of this? How do they help? do you have any family support?
It doesn't sound like you have much support along with being quiet isolated in a rural area.
Firstly I would go to the gp and discuss you possibly having pnd. Your health visitor may be able to help too- they often know other mums needed support in your local area they could put you in touch with.

Slothlikesundays · 08/03/2017 21:12

And I've just seen your last post. Counselling with your husband may also be helpful. You may have chosen to be a sahm but he also chose to have two children and you being a sahm doesn't extradite him from his responsibilities as a father.

Chocness · 08/03/2017 21:14

If you can't get any help from DH or your family then can you buy some in the form of nursery/preschool for your older child, crèche at a gym For both of them, home help etc... for your own sanity? I have one child and I'm a sahm and it's v difficult and lonely sone days, with two I can imagine it is quite hideous at times. Particularly hard when one of us is ill etc so I get your pain. You must organise some set time out for you, that is non negotiable for any sahm. I have each Saturday "off" and it helps A lot. I'm out from 9am till teatime and when I come back I'm a different person. I hope you can share your frustration with your DH and together come up with a plan that gets you some time doing your thing. It won't be perfect but at least a step in the right direction to give you some relief from the insanity (at times) of it all.

Original poster
Za1ny · 08/03/2017 21:16

Dh doesn't want to help out at all. I went out for dinner a few weeks ago and he text me as id just got there telling me that dd2 was crying! I told him to deal with it but this is the kind of shit that he does.

OP posts:
3luckystars · 08/03/2017 21:17

Does she have a dummy?
Keep persevering with the food, give her a spoon in each hand and shovel food in quickly to her. It sounds like you need a break and a good sleep.
Having a baby sick at two weeks old is terrifying, I can understand how this is still affecting you.

Remember working mothers have bad days too and feel like the grass is greener at home. With regards being a sahm, you need to do whatever suits you but you don't make a big decision like that on a bad day. Today is just a very bad day!

You are sick and tired and in need of assistance this week but you may feel totally different next week once you have recovered.

Original poster
Za1ny · 08/03/2017 21:18

I've tried so hard with the bottle. She does drink from a sippy cup but she will still want the breast. Maybe I'm strong enough but when I let her cry it out I feel as though I am going to go mental I honestly cannot take it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Za1ny · 08/03/2017 21:21

She doesn't take a dummy. Neither did dd1. I did try to get her to take a dummy but she would not take it. Yes having a sick baby is terrifying. I keep thinking back to the day when she was so ill and had to have a lumbar puncture and how she was screaming so so so bad when they couldn't get her iv in her hand and that's why I hate seeing her cry it just reminds me of that day

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Hassled · 08/03/2017 21:22

SAHM-dom just doesn't suit some women, and why should it? We're all different. And it's bloody hard and you get fuck all recognition. Some women take to it like a duck to water and with some it just makes them miserable; I loved it for a while but then I think it just made me very unhappy - getting a job saved me. So keep applying for jobs and talk to your DH - does he realise quite how unhappy you are? Have you spelled it out to him?

3luckystars · 08/03/2017 21:22

But you are not making her cry, crying doesn't mean she is in pain, it's her only way of communicating.

Owllady · 08/03/2017 21:22

Your husband sounds a bigger problem with the children :( he's not helping you our, he's looking after his own children.
Can you please go and see the GP and tell them how down you are please?
You need more support

Original poster
Za1ny · 08/03/2017 21:26

Yes my husband is making the whole situation a lot worse. I have huge issues with him. He knows how I feel. I've told him numerous times that I am going to leave him once the baby is a bit older but he seems to think of it as a joke. I've told him so many times how I feel, how down I am, how I feel as though I cannot cope but

OP posts: