Aibu to hate being a SAHM

[Za1ny]

I'm fed up.
I honestly didn't expect to hate this life but I do. I have two daughters one is 3.4 years and the baby is 10 months. All the baby wants to do is breastfeed constantly. I'm not lying I feel as though she has around 20 breastfeeds a day and yes she keeps me up at night nursing!
She doesn't seem interested in food I've tried spoon feeding / blwing but she prefers milk and no she won't take a bottle
Hv don't give a shit as baby is currently on 75th centile and hitting all milestones. She does eat food don't get me wrong but will still need the milk.
What about me though I am absolutely fed up. It's not just the bfing it's everything.
I have no support from anyone. Dh works long and couldn't really give a fuck when he comes home as he is 'tired' and my parents don't care either.

I've been ill for two weeks with the flu (the proper stuff I'm sure of it!) and nobody has bothered to ask if I need a hand with the kids or if I need anything. I feel like absolute shit/ It's been two weeks I've been ill but even when I'm not ill I just don't like this life.
I was fine when I only had dd1 but since having the baby I've started to feel like this. I left my well paid job like an idiot as I thought I'd want to be a sahm but no actually I don't

I've applied for another job but with no success.

i have no friends to talk to about this they are all single and with no kids and don't understand

I've got a dentist appointment tomorrow which I almost cancelled as I'm still under the weather but you know what, in going because I need a fucking break!!!! I will be on that dentist chair thinking this is bliss, half an hour to myself

He doesn't care

Oops posted too quick

It's not goady! The question is Aibu to hate being a sahm. My answer is: yes yabu. because you have choice whether to or not. So if you hate it, don't be one.

Don't make any big decisions whilst you are ill. Do tell 'D'H you are at breaking point and insist that he takes a few days off or even at the weekend, gives said you a complete break.

Discuss how you are feeling with HV and GP and consider pnd for sure. Isolation won't be helping. Are you within walking distance of anything at all? Any ways of getting involved in the local community wil help. Driving is obviously a good goal but may be a bit much just now when you feel so bad.

In terms of breastfeeding, I'd go fairly hardcore but with the help of dh. Feed first thing and after meals ( before naps?) but not just on constant demand. As others have said, going cold turkey won't hurt her but might be painful for you. However, having a short term goal of stopping over a few weeks might make it bearable.

In a nutshell you need to tell your dh that you cannot go on. It's not really about working...its sharing the workload fairly and respecting what one another does. If he hasn't tried a few days of caring for the DC and doing all the housework he isn't in a position to comment. < book a hotel. Indeed a spa!>

I had the same experience with my son needing a lumbar puncture when he was born so I completely get what you feel when your lo cries. It's unbearable, panicky and terrifying. My DS is nearly two and I still can't bear him crying. I don't think I have come to terms with the fear I experienced when he was born ill and I imagine you are in the same place. Please go and see your GP. I think I had post traumatic stress from the experience and you may too. Don't let it fester, I should have piped up quicker and got support for these awful feelings. In the meantime driving lessons sound an excellent idea and will help considerably I'm sure 💐

Keep giving her things in her hands to distract her while you shovel the food in to her. 20 breastfeeds a a day and no sleep is not sustainable.
Crying can mean loads of things, she is not in pain, she might be tired or bored or be sick of looking at her teddys creepy eyes. It's her only way of communicating.
Keep giving her other things and distract her, it sounds like hell but she will eventually eat more solid food and need less milk.

Can you get some counselling about what happened at the hospital? In the kindest possible way, you can't give her every single thing she wants, every single time she cries for the whole rest of her life because you are afraid of her crying. That's not possible, you have another child and they will want to do different things at some point.

I'm so sorry you are feeling so ill, I hope you get some help and rest.

Although sounds to me it might be the husband who is the problem? So changing might not make things better. I agree you need to see your gp or find out where you might be able to get some support from

The more you post about your dh the worse he sounds. Perhaps suggest splitting and sharing the children 50:50? That might give him a wake up call. Is there anyone at all you could go and stay with for a few days in a couple of weeks time? That would give you time to wean dd and force dh to smell the coffee.

Justwantcookies

It is clear from the OP's posts that there is a bigger picture ffs.

OP you really need to speak to your GP, but I suspect leaving your husband would be a good place to start with improving how you feel. PND is truly awful - don't think that you have to suffer through with no help.

I don't think the OP's DH is helping but she also needs to help herself first before tackling issues with him.

Tackle the BFing, address potential PND, get some sleep, learn to drive/be less socially isolated and then see how you feel about being a SAHM as it sounds like the circumstances talking rather than the concept.

I second what another poster has said and what I can only imagine many others thought when they read the first few lines of this post, offer your child a bottle. I too thought I'll probably get 'flamed' for this but sod it, I'm saying this purely because I don't understand mums like this who are so clearly on the edge, exhausted and in some much need of an easier time continue to put themselves through what you have painted to be so draining. Without going into the ins and outs, pros and cons of breast vs bottle, i think for your sanity and well being which is what your family need it is worth while you considering a bottle. Bottle feeding in my opinion trumps breast feeding for the very reason you've stated in your post. my children thrived as baby's, and are now big strong and very brainy kids, and they were formula fed. My husband would help with the feeds and we all got some sleep. The end.

Honestly op give yourself a break and maybe have a chat with your family about how you're feeling in general. I do think lack of sleep doesn't help at all with this.

Op you have two really tough ages ranges on your hands there! Give yourself a break its bloody bloody grueling and hard. Most of my friends have gone back to work PT to get a break from their dc !!

Nothing can destroy a relationship like babies can. Especially hard if your DH has no capacity for empathy. I have recently been ill but had full help from DH including one day off work he took to care for our toddler as I was bed bound.

In your case the first thing to do is be kind to yourself! You have been ill, your dh is not supportive and your EBF with a toddler! Its ok to feel crap, pushed to the limit and its not surprising.

Two - what are you going to do to make your situation better? The more break you can get the better, so how can you get a break if your isolated from family can you pay for more help - even on temp basis right now to get you through this. I view situations like this as a mini crisis - and if you have money - throw it at it! Can you increase your toddler sessions for the moment, to give you a break?

Re Baby, I EBf for three years, the intensity went through fits and starts and I did find, it was great at getting her to sleep.....I started to gradually wean her off, to just night - bit by bit.....when she was able to be more distracted as she got older and took more interest in food.

As I am sure you know with DC they change nearly every single day so you need to keep coming at a problem, with different strategies but dont be afraid to use them again in a weeks time as they have changed by then and may accept them!

Ask at the nursery if anyone there does baby sitting too always worthwhile to know in case you need back up, join local FB group if there is one, ask for baby sitting recommendations - seek out some help for the toddler should you need it when your ill.

Work out how to let your dh know how you feel without starting argument or pushing him away. I find his attitude shocking but if this is what your dealing with - coming at him moaning, arguing, etc is not going to help your immediate situation.

" dh I really need some help, I cant work out how to make my situation easier right now what do you suggest"

ie can he take annual leave for a bit? give you a break> is there anyone who can come and visit and take baby for a bit?

I feel for you OP. I didn't enjoy being home all the time with my two and used to feel guilty about it. You clearly need a break and I hope you get an opportunity to spend some time without the babies for a while.

I also agree with PP who say you should keep trying with the bottle, baby has had amazing start in life so far, keep trying you never know one day she may take it, also agree with all distraction techniques to shovel food in tv - anything.

Consider learning to drive, op. You sound very trapped. Sometimes, just putting the kids in the car and driving while playing loud music to drown out the crying/whinging/fighting makes all the difference.
I don't have any advice about reducing breast feeds as mine was a quick, pretty infrequent feeder but it does sound excessive.
There is nothing wrong with wanting your own space. Go for it! You don't have to be that 'amazing' instragram mum all the time...being 'good enough' is well, good enough.

It's not being a sahm that's the problem it's the lack of support you have.
I was a sahm for 25 years and if I had been as ill as you sounded my dh would have more than stepped up as we had no extended family nearby when dc were little.
I'm not surprised you are down, being poorly won't have helped you cope with what you are missing from a husband who parents.
Please see your gp and talk to your husband about his 50% of parenting.

Yanbu - set a few projects and be realistic with timing

(1) get baby off the boob - sorry but it's doing your nut in
(2) get fresh air and exercise as will make you feel better
(3) update CV and start to think about job hunting
(4) invest in a career coach - really worth it

Whatever happens with your partner you should get back to work - will give you wings and you did it before and you will do it again

Sounds miserable op i'm not surprised you're struggling.

Did you work before you had kids?

definitely make learning to drive a priority. i always hated driving but when the children were young it was a godsend and allowed me to work and socialise with other mums. i found an automatic made it quicker to learn. so book a lesson asap...this saturday perhaps?

My DD, happy to take a bottle of expressed milk until 3 months,refused from 3 to 8 months. I remember how hard it was. I had DS 20 months so it was full on and so exhausting. In the end I made the decision today was the day and DS and I sang her favourite son wheels on the bus, for 5 hours whilst I tried to slip the bottle in. She didn't get breast. Every time she cried we sang. DS was brilliant. She adored him. Eventually after 5 long hours she did it. And that was it. I never gave her breast again which made me cry but I knew she'd start refusing bottle and I had to gear her up for my return to work.

It was tough. No getting around that. But she was fine in the end and ended up loving her bottle. And it gave me my life back and meant I could return to work.

I really do think that getting this sorted and some control back in your life plus being able to drive will make a massive difference. Breast of luck.

I will definitely learn how to drive. I am isolated and this had added fuel to the fire. When I had dd1 I was living in an area with lots to do so we were always out and about and I really really enjoyed being a sahm.
I have loads of bottles that I thought would work but they are all useless. I've tried them all even the mimijumi ones. I must try harder with the bottle though, you are all right.

My husband keeps saying that the reason I am feeling like this is because I / we need a holiday! He has actually told me that he is going to book himself a holiday (as I really don't want to go abroad right now )that's how much he doesn't care how I am feeling.

Yes I worked before kids and I could not wait to be a sahm!!!!

One of the biggest problems is your dh, what a selfish prick.

Hi
It seems like you are at a low ebb at the moment, it's so hard feeling isolated and nothing but a slave to the baby. I have a few things to recommend but not probably easy things.
First you need to have a long hard chat with your husband. If you think he's unhelpful now even when you are ill, what makes you think he will change when you work. Unless you start being clear with him what your needs are you will end up doing all the work in the home aswell as going to work which will be even less fun.
Secondly, you might need to get a bit more hard regarding the screaming. Children sense what your weaknesses are and your baby knows full well she can get her own sweet way by screaming. She doesn't need all that breastfeeding, it is doing your head in and stopping her weaning process progressing. Find some way to manage your fear of crying please or you will always be a slave to her whims.
Thirdly, you sound like you need to get out more and get some friends who can help and support you. Other women with babies are a source of advice and comfort and also possibly babysitting and fun nights out.
In the long term you may well be happier with a job but these problems with your husband and baby wont be going away and until you have sorted them you'll find it hard going back to work so I'd suggest that's your first priority

perhaps your husbanddosnt know how to deal with your emotions..perhaps he is scared and thinks he can goad you into being the way he wants. sounds like relate could help?

Justwantcookies
"It's not goady! The question is Aibu to hate being a sahm. My answer is: yes yabu. because you have choice whether to or not. So if you hate it, don't be one."

Empathy fail?

OP, your dc are still small and having a baby and toddler can truly be a nightmare at times, it's bitter sweet as pp has said. Especially when you have experienced some sort of trauma and the episode of your baby in hospital must have been traumatising. You need a bit of respite. having your older dc at nursery will help. Once you have learned to drive you all be able to get out and do more. Maybe you can make friends with other mums at dd's nursery? Your dh sounds incredibly selfish though, not sure how to tackle that. First and foremost give yourself a mental break, don't beat yourself up, treat yourself to small things cake helps.

Is your dh otherwise alright? Why don't your parents want to be involved?