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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My stepson is stealing from me.

52 replies

LesSmiths1 · 08/03/2017 18:30

This has been a reoccurring issue. It relates to a thread I posted the other day about dss mother (who is a nightmare will link to thread. However I was thinking about this and I think it needs its own thread.

My dss has stolen £100 from my purse over 3 occasions. Money has gone missing from my dc bedrooms and he has used my dh and there cards online. He is not hard done by the money goes on buying more trainers and clothes.

He is not a thief outside he has never shoplifted as far as I'm away. The trouble is he will never own up to it. Even when I caught him with the money. Then we have dh's ex who will defend him.

OP posts:

Original poster

LesSmiths1 · 08/03/2017 18:31

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2871903-To-think-dh-ex-is-taking-the-piss

Previous thread about the ex. I really need help with this.

OP posts:

19lottie82 · 08/03/2017 18:31

Call the police.

YouTheCat · 08/03/2017 18:33

Take the things he buys back and sell them.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 08/03/2017 18:35

Absolutely call the police, report it, and he deserves the punishment he gets.
And whilst you shouldn't have to, consider a mini sage to keep purses etc in so he cannot physically get to your money and cards.

StrawberryShortcake32 · 08/03/2017 18:35

Locks on bedroom doors. Keep all your money locked away. Maybe get a cheap safe. Don't allow any circumstances where he might get the opportunity to steal. Shouldn't bother him too much if he 'isn't stealing'. If it does upset him it's probably because he can no longer get to your money.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 08/03/2017 18:36

mini safe that should have read.
Or, shift him back to live with his mum, see how much she stands up for him when its HER money he's helping himself to.

Original poster

LesSmiths1 · 08/03/2017 18:54

Take the things he buys back and sell them.

They are all at mothers house who then claims they are not stolen/she brought them/gave him the money.

I would rather not call the police because I think that would be the end for any chance of a relationship between me and him.

OP posts:

Original poster

LesSmiths1 · 08/03/2017 19:01

We have a safe already.

OP posts:

Blastandtroph · 08/03/2017 19:04

'I would rather not call the police because I think that would be the end for any chance of a relationship between me and him.'

It sounds as though he needs firm boundaries and though you fear for your relationship, in time he may thank you as you've shown concern/interest. I suspect it's attention seeking. A visit from the local PCSO might be a good idea.

ohfourfoxache · 08/03/2017 19:21

Where is dh in all this?

Original poster

LesSmiths1 · 08/03/2017 19:21

But it would create nuclear war between dh and ex.

OP posts:

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 08/03/2017 19:24

You already have no relationship with him as he has no respect for you. .

Phone the police before its your marriage that's hanging by a thread not relations between you and dss.

icelollycraving · 08/03/2017 19:25

The thing is if no one puts boundaries in for him,he may end up doing it to the wrong person or at work. Bit of tough love.

redexpat · 08/03/2017 19:34

I realise that this only treats the symptom and not the cause but are both of you signed up for securecard? That way it would make it more difficult for him to buy stuff online.

BonnyScotland · 08/03/2017 19:37

I don't understand what you advice you expect... your not willing to tackle the issue head on... or challenge the behaviour... you have two choices...

say nothing and accept he IS a thief that takes whatever he chooses...

you install cameras and literally film him stealing.... let Mommy Dearest lie for him .... then show the evidence....

and stop him from coming round because this is not acceptable behaviour by any standards..

HappyFlappy · 08/03/2017 19:45

What is your DH's response to his casual thieving from you?

I think he may resent your place in hid dad's life, and the stealing is a way of taking something from you to compensate. His batsh1t-crazy mother may also be encouraging him (having read your previous thread, she sounds spiteful and unhinged). She may have even suggested it "Les takes all your dad's money. She owes you. Just take it - there's nothing they can do. It serves her/them right. You're entitled, your dad should be paying a lot more maintenance but that thriving trollop gets everything that should be ours" etc

Whatever theirs and outs, she misdoing him no favours by allowing him to steal and covering for him. He will develop a huge sense of entitlement and invulnerability - and one day he will do something similar to someone else who upsets him and he will end up in jail.

I feel for him, actually, because I think he's a very unhappy child. He will naturally be supportive and even protective of his mother, and she is using him as a weapon against his dad - whom he also loves. The obvious target is the only person he doesn't feel he has to have any loyalty to - you.

Perhaps he even hopes that if he forces you away his parents will get back together. He may be an irritating, disrespectful little bugger but he is still a child, is going through adolescence (and that's bloody awful for any of us) and is probably full of anger and confusion that he dare not take out on his mother because she'd probably have no qualms about kicking him out (but still manage to blame you and your DH).

How old was he when his parents separated? How is he managing at school? Does he have friends he can enjoy himself with?

I don't envy you coping with even the best-behaved adolescent - it is a difficult time all round.

HappyFlappy · 08/03/2017 19:48

BTW - if his mam lies for him, how does she explain the items he has bought using your credit cards?

Or does she say you're deliberately buying him stuff so that you can accuse him of stealing it?

This is a horrible situation, because you and your DH won't want to land him with a criminal record unless you have no choice.

Astoria7974 · 08/03/2017 19:55

If he's stealing then your DP needs to sort it out. I actually think you getting involved will just make things worse - the ex and dss clearly have no respect for you.

Original poster

LesSmiths1 · 08/03/2017 20:03

Or does she say you're deliberately buying him stuff so that you can accuse him of stealing it?

She blames my children but my children aren't interested in clothes and trainers.

OP posts:

Original poster

LesSmiths1 · 08/03/2017 20:06

I think I will install a camera actually. She can't deny pure proof.

OP posts:

salsaqueen2 · 08/03/2017 20:07

I had this situation with an ex foster child placed with us on a permenant basis.

He stole from me on several occasions. We made excuses. We forgave him. What actually happened was that this gave him the green light to steal more, from other members of the family and later from other people too. Each time he got away with things, he escalated things further. He got more sophisticated, it became very serious. During this time he was supported by social workers who also gave him chance after chance.

Eventually it became more serious and he had to leave our care. We, and others, reported him to the police, but again because of his past was given chances that he did not deserve. This lead him to believe he was a master criminal and he committed numerous far more serious crimes in the community.

What I would do could I turn back time? I would have reported him to the police at a much earlier time. I would have done everything I could to ensure he was prosecuted? I would have taken a very hard and firm line, and would not have made excuses for him. In doing that I could have potentially saved him.

Original poster

LesSmiths1 · 08/03/2017 20:12

HappyFlappy

I do understand what you are saying but what I don't understand is the lack of empathy. My children had birthday money they got given from my family stolen.

I understand he may be unhappy but I try my hardest to make all my children and him happy as does my dh. We treat him so well he is not a victim from us in my opinion it's Mum that he's a victim of.

They separated when he was twelve.

OP posts:

Original poster

LesSmiths1 · 08/03/2017 20:41

Okay I will talk to dh about reporting to the police since dh is supportative and also believes he is stealing.

OP posts:

salsaqueen2 · 08/03/2017 20:43

I understand he may be unhappy but I try my hardest to make all my children and him happy as does my dh. We treat him so well he is not a victim from us in my opinion it's Mum that he's a victim of.

I could have written that about the foster child I described above.

Please report him, for his own sake.

HappyFlappy · 08/03/2017 22:12

Sorry Les - Wasn't trying to imply that you amor t=your DH haven't done you best for him - more that I was trying to work out where he was coming from. If I seemed critical, I apologise - I truly wasn't't getting at you - in fact you are braver than me taking on a teen, They're hard work at the best of times, and his dad left as he was entering adolescence which must have been very hard for him (and for your DH - if he is a decent man he won't have left his child lightly).

But I do agree your DSS is a victim of his mother - I suspect that she is secretly (or openly) thrilled and delighted that he is causing so much trouble for you and your family. I also agree with there posters that he needs to be called to account for his own sake or this will escalate, and every time someone pisses him off he will steal something from them, or vandalise their property or even do something to endanger them - he won't know anything except trying to exact revenge for imagined slights. (I was also genuinely wondering how she explained the credit card thefts. She's nothing if not cunning!)

Stealing from you children - especially birthday money - is particularly appalling. I think he may be feeling jealous of them and that makes him want to hurt them. Of course if his mother gave him the support (really support - not just covering for him because she wants to hit at you and your DP) and reassurance he needs, he wouldn't feel like a cuckoo in the nest.

I think I will install a camera actually. She can't deny pure proof

I bet she will. She will argue black is white if it suits her - but the police won't.

It looks like his mother is using him as a weapon in many ways - emotionally, physically and psychologically, I honestly don't know if you and DH can ever convince him that you care about him and want him to be happy because this vindictive cow is dripping poison into his ear at every opportunity, and at the same time is neglecting him (I read your post about the school parents night - that poor boy!).

It's a horrible situation for all concerned, but you can't let your children, or your relationship, suffer because of his behaviour - and nor can you let him think he can do what he wants with impunity. I am so glad that you have the support of your DH - many fathers won't accept that their children can do anything wrong and expect their wives to cope with all sorts of bad behaviour.

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