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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to the wedding?

58 replies

Reddress89 · 07/03/2017 20:00

ExH and I have been divorced for 3 nearly 4 years. We have 3 DCs aged 3.5, 5 and 9. We split on mutual grounds. We both got to the stage where we realised we no longer loved each other and it just wasn't working. We get on fine now, we're not "best friends" but we don't hate each other. He's a wonderful dad and has a fab relationship with the DCs. Anyway, 2 years ago he got together with our old neighbour who lived across the road from us when we lived together. Get on well with her also, she's very pleasant and is fantastic with the DCs too. She's well off so olans great days out for the kids which I am very happy with. They have a 9mo together now and are getting married this summer. Annnywaaay, today, much to my surprise I received an invite to their wedding. Not just the reception but the whole damn day. Now despite having a good relationship with my ExH I wouldn't consider myself a close friend and whilst I have absolutely no feelings for the bloke anymore, I just find it so odd that they would invite me? I get that they want our DCs to be there which is fine - I have already made arrangements for them to get there & back etc. I just feel so weird about going myself?! AIBU to not want to go..... I really don't want to damage a good relationship with the father of my kids which is what I'm at risk of doing if I say no! Ugh I'm so stuck, I seriously don not want to go to this wedding.

OP posts:
EssentialHummus · 07/03/2017 20:02

God no! Don't go. Send a nice gift and a card wishing them well, and have a lovely day to yourself.

iknowimcoming · 07/03/2017 20:04

Odd that neither of them discussed it with you prior to sending the invite, but my guess would be they want you there to look after your dc so they don't have to worry about them too much? Tricky but I'd talk to them both about it and see what they say.

Whocansay · 07/03/2017 20:04

They want you to babysit!

Wolfiefan · 07/03/2017 20:05

Say you don't want to intrude on their day but have made xyz arrangements so DC can attend. You hope they all have a lovely day.
Hell no I wouldn't go!

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 07/03/2017 20:05

Tell them you wish them well but this new chapter in their lives - and dc - doesn't involve you so you will be staying away -

Juveniledelinquent · 07/03/2017 20:06

I definitely think you should go. It's lovely of them to invite you and it can only help everyone's relationship with the children. Bite the bullet it's only one day.

troodiedoo · 07/03/2017 20:07

I think it is polite for them to invite you, and also polite for you to politely decline.

Social etiquette is quite odd really Grin

JellyWitch · 07/03/2017 20:07

Yes, I'm sure they have you pegged as childcare. I would feel no guilt giving it a miss!

bibbetybobbetybooo · 07/03/2017 20:07

I actually think that's a really mature thing for them to have done. You clearly all have a good, respectful relationship with one another and it's important that the children are part of their day. So maybe they thought that you'd want to be there too? As in - you've all moved on and you'd want to share in their happiness?
I can totally understand why you wouldn't want to go, but would it affect your good relationship if you don't?

honeyroar · 07/03/2017 20:10

I don't think they've invited you as a babysitter, they sound nicer than that. But I can understand why you don't want to be best firends, even if on good terms. Just thank them and say you've something else on that day and send a card?

iamapixiebutnotaniceone · 07/03/2017 20:11

They might just be wary of you being offended if they didn't invite you. Maybe just politely decline, be open about it and send a nice gift etc. It's rare to have all parties get along so well in a situation like yours xx

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 07/03/2017 20:11

I had to laugh at the suggestion of babysitting, as that definitely crossed my mindGrin

Polite decline.

Reow · 07/03/2017 20:12

You could go and pull a comedy moment during the "Speak now or forever hold your peace".

Grin
Reow · 07/03/2017 20:13

Joke

Giraffesaretootall · 07/03/2017 20:17

DH's EXW invited us to her wedding to the man she ran off with! (Only announced they were getting married after we did and quickly got married just before us!!)
Relations were cordial but we politely declined and didn't invite them to our wedding a few months later.

Trb17 · 07/03/2017 20:22

If you can I'd check with you ExH to see if they'd truly be comfortable/want you there it if perhaps they'd invited you to avoid offending you. Just like you want to avoid offending them by refusing.

It might be that they feel the same but nobody wants to risk offending the others.

If they genuinely want you to go then I'd go but remain a low key presence.

kel1493 · 07/03/2017 20:22

My mum and dad get on well. My dad came to the reception when my mum married my stepdad. He didn't come to the actual wedding as they thought that was too much.
I'd say it's up to you. I don't know how I'd feel if it were me.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 07/03/2017 20:26

They have just invited you to be polite I bet they don't really want you there Grin

Just say NO and plan a fantastic weekend away (assuming
Kids will be OK ??) are you pally enough with the GP and in laws to ensure kids will be cared for

Original poster
Reddress89 · 07/03/2017 20:28

Thanks for all your replies!!

I won't lie - the thought crossed my mind too! But he has already said his sister wants to look after them for the day And has offered to bring them home in the evening. maybe I'm just feeling odd about being part of such an intimate day with my ExH. Loads of our mutual friends will be at the reception so it's not like I'd be on my own. I still get on really well with his family so I suppose that would be part of the reason I was invited too. I'll have to sleep on it, maybe say yes to the reception but no to the ceremony. I was already getting them a gift anyway! They are great people and I think dearly of them both. Just didn't think we were all that close is all!

Reow - thats exactly what I said to my mum when I told her as I had to have a laugh about it! Obviously wouldn't, but it's the kind of thing I'd do ;)

OP posts:
Parsley1234 · 07/03/2017 20:31

My sons father got married and invited me I did decline but wish I had gone now. His wife is lovely and they have a little baby now I think I missed out by not going

WildBelle · 07/03/2017 20:32

At my best friend's wedding a few months back her ex (father of her dd) not only came along but he took the photos! He had a jolly good time. On the other hand her DH's EXW wasn't invited because she cray cray.

Guess it depends on how your relationship is with your ex, if it feels weird, don't do it. I'd go if my dd1's DF got married and invited me along, because it's all so long ago now that any weirdness is long gone. 3 years maybe a bit soon.

msgrinch · 07/03/2017 20:34

I think it's lovely and very mature. I will go to ds dads up coming wedding, why wouldn't I? We share children and are a constant part of eachothers lives. I like the woman he's marrying and am happy my child gains another decent adult in his life. Whats not to celebrate. Its not been easy, but we've got through all the crap since divorcing. Why not go for a lovely day celebrating a new chapter.

JaneEyre70 · 07/03/2017 20:35

I think you should go - it's a really positive message to send to your children, and it was a really nice gesture on their part.

SpoofersAreLosers · 07/03/2017 20:36

maybe say yes to the reception but no to the ceremony. I was already getting them a gift anyway!

Sounds like a good compromise. I think I'd go - you can get a chance to catch up with his family and your joint friends.

You might not be or want to be their close friend but you are the mother of his kids so you are still a very important person.

BTW. Well done to you and your ex for keeping things civil. It's admirable. Your children are very lucky.

needmymouthsewnup · 07/03/2017 20:37

I think they are trying to maintain a good relationship with you - you have kids in common, there are going to be an awful lot of events over the years where you'll all be in the same room, so it makes perfect sense to be as friendly as possible for the kids.

I like your compromise, maybe just go in the evening and spend the time with your friends.

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