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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to the wedding?

58 replies

Reddress89 · 07/03/2017 20:00

ExH and I have been divorced for 3 nearly 4 years. We have 3 DCs aged 3.5, 5 and 9. We split on mutual grounds. We both got to the stage where we realised we no longer loved each other and it just wasn't working. We get on fine now, we're not "best friends" but we don't hate each other. He's a wonderful dad and has a fab relationship with the DCs. Anyway, 2 years ago he got together with our old neighbour who lived across the road from us when we lived together. Get on well with her also, she's very pleasant and is fantastic with the DCs too. She's well off so olans great days out for the kids which I am very happy with. They have a 9mo together now and are getting married this summer. Annnywaaay, today, much to my surprise I received an invite to their wedding. Not just the reception but the whole damn day. Now despite having a good relationship with my ExH I wouldn't consider myself a close friend and whilst I have absolutely no feelings for the bloke anymore, I just find it so odd that they would invite me? I get that they want our DCs to be there which is fine - I have already made arrangements for them to get there & back etc. I just feel so weird about going myself?! AIBU to not want to go..... I really don't want to damage a good relationship with the father of my kids which is what I'm at risk of doing if I say no! Ugh I'm so stuck, I seriously don not want to go to this wedding.

OP posts:
Wando1986 · 07/03/2017 20:38

They want you there as a baby sitter.

Vegansnake · 07/03/2017 20:38

Your the childcare,so they can enjoy their wedding😜

domestichiefofstaff · 07/03/2017 20:41

I think I'd go for the sake of the children - it could be quite bewildering for them to be there without you.
Gold star to you all for keeping things so friendly.

NavyandWhite · 07/03/2017 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Reddress89 · 07/03/2017 20:43

You're right. I think I'm being a bit unreasonable for not wanting to go. Both ExH and his DP have always been so welcoming and have done so much for our DCs I am probably being selfish. I just feel really fucking weird about it but I guess I can bite the bullet for one day and celebrate with them. I don't wanna risk damaging a good relationship with either of them, esp for the DCs. DS (9yo) is at the age where he repeats everything he hears.... and he always comes back from his dads and tells me that he can hear them saying nice things about me, which makes me feel so glad. I should be grateful that Ive got it better than most people that have gone through a divorce I suppose!

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 07/03/2017 20:43

I suspect childcare reasons too! I would decline the whole event, however cordial relations are it'd likely bring up weird feelings. And if you just go for the eve you'll end up wrangling with tired and fractious DC while your mutual friends are likely to be pissed and not necessarily sensitive! Better do something nice and deal with the DC when they're dropped off. (Don't be going to collect them from the venue: that'd be a hassle too).

msgrinch · 07/03/2017 20:44

Well some people haven't read the thread. Idiots.

Andromache77 · 07/03/2017 20:45

We had a small wedding and we invited DH's exW along with my DSS, mostly so that they saw that we were all a family as far as they were concerned. Besides, DH still thought of her as a friend (not anymore, but that's another story).

She came and she had a blast as there were some old common friends of hers and DH's present. I didn't, through no fault of hers, just because my Dsis criticised everything very loudly, all day long, non-stop. All in all, I was glad that at least DH's exW and the other guests had a good time, and of course my DSS had a great day surrounded by all their loved ones.

If it wasn't for the children we would probably have no relationship and most likely she wouldn't have been invited. However, since you have a good parenting relationship this is probably the reason. Just talk to your ex and take it from there.

Loopytiles · 07/03/2017 20:45

If the relationship with you is good (it sounds it) they should respect your perfectly understandable reasons for not attending, and politely accept it if you decline with no detriment to your relationships with them.

Original poster
Reddress89 · 07/03/2017 20:47

NavyandWhite - nope, no boyfriend. I haven't got the time!! Have enjoyed being single the past few years. Have recently got back into the dating scene though, but think its too so to ask someone on a first date if they'll come to my ExH's wedding with me! Hmm hahaha Wink

Ive got lots of friends going (single ones too) so it shouldn't be too painful.

OP posts:
msgrinch · 07/03/2017 20:49

Op, no no if you feel odd at all then do whats best in your eyes. I was just posting from what i would do. It sounds like you all have a wondeful relationship so they would be happy to accept a decline and understand why. Its your choice, you've done so well getting to this point (high five from someone else who has, its not a walk in the park). Maybe a nice wedding, catch up, drinks and meal is my thing and not yours. Either way you aren't unreasonable you're doing amazing for your kids.

Loopytiles · 07/03/2017 20:52

If you do go, guaranteed you'll spend the whole time looking after the DC.

Perhaps there will be some sexy single blokes!

MiddleClassProblem · 07/03/2017 20:54

Tbh it sounds like you are all handling everything in a mature and caring manner, not just for your kids but for each other. It's lovely to hear.

If I were you, even though it would feel weird I would go. My mates would be there, could have a laugh, dance with the kids and auntie on kids duty so no major worries there. Maybe just go to the reception as you said but I think it might actually not be as bad as you think just from how lovely you describe them in your post and they talk of you. You are clearly all great people.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 07/03/2017 21:00

We went to our friends wedding recently; he had invited his ex - also our friend - and although they weren't married they had 3 dc together. I spent most of the day with my friend, and it didn't feel in the least bit weird. They had maintained a good relationship and it felt natural she was there.

So I would say, go, if the whole idea doesn't fill you with horror (which it doesn't)

Original poster
Reddress89 · 07/03/2017 21:01

I don't mind helping to look after my children on the day tbh - its his day afterall and I'd like him to do the same for me if roles reversed.

It'd be nice to have a drink with friends and having his sister on hand to help is convenient - she's 6 weeks pregnant so I'm guessing she wants some practice - And she can't drink anyway so she may as well offer to be babysitter I guess Haha.

Thanks for all your kind words.

OP posts:
Isitjustmeorisiteveryoneelse · 07/03/2017 21:12

Well, I see your point but if they'd just invited your DC and not you there's a chance you might have been posting about that in AIBU. Anyway, though of course divorce is not everyone's end goal when they marry, obviously(!), it happens and it's lovely that you all get on, so what better way than to show your DC there is another way to do separation.

melj1213 · 07/03/2017 21:17

I think its their way of trying to include you in their day and keeping you up to date with all the details, whilst also giving you the option of declining the invite rather than not being invited at all. Which, might only be a small thing but if you're going to be seeeing his family and your mutual friends it saves them the awkwardness of feeling like they can't discuss it in front of you because you weren't invited ... but this way you have an out of "Oh I was invited but I've decided to just go to the night do, let them just keep the ceremony for them."

Also perhaps they felt awkward having your DCs there without at least giving you the option to be there for some of the day. Especially as two of them are still quite young, weddings can be really long boring days for little ones and whoever is in charge of herding them to the right place at the right timeneeds to be someone they know well and/or is prepared for dealing with any issues. .

It's also a very mature gesture - they are obviously friendly enough with you to know that you wouldn't come to the ceremony and cause a fuss but I would also assume they would take your declining graciously in the "thanks but it feels like it'd be a bit awkward to be at the ceremony" manner it was intended.

Benedikte2 · 07/03/2017 21:18

Reddress your compromise sounds good. Your Ex and his OH sound like a nice couple and genuine in their desire for you to attend the wedding From their point of view it would have seemed rude not to invite you, especially since they want to continue to have a good relationship with you. How nice for your DC to have such a great example of mature adults harbouring no grudge and enabling them to not feel divided loyalties. Go and enjoy yourself.

TheOnlyLivingToyInNewYork · 07/03/2017 21:23

I think they are just being nice. They probably don't expect you to accept,but its a nice gesture in a "lets be grown ups and all get on for the childrens sake" way.

Some people on here will insist on seeing it as some kind of slight though!

Original poster
Reddress89 · 07/03/2017 21:51

Thanks for all your wonderful advice mumsnetters!!

I have been going through pros and cons of attending in my head and clearly have found more pros than cons. I think I'll go to the reception and buy a nice gift for them both.

Another pro to add to the list - his OH is a manager of some fancy travel agent and got a discount token from booking her honeymoon through the company for her next trip. Its £200 off any of their package holidays and they've said they want to give it to me. Its because they're having a month long honeymoon (I know, a MONTH!) and he realises I'll be taking care of the DCs full time for a month so wanted to say thanks(?!)

This is the kind of people they are - they feel they have to say thanks for me being a mother and looking after my own children, whilst they go on a well deserved break!

People will think that's a bit OTT (just like I did at first) but I won't say no to £200 off a week in the Maldives - would you?!

OP posts:
TheOnlyLivingToyInNewYork · 07/03/2017 21:53

Sounds like you have the holy grail of divorce OP!

altiara · 07/03/2017 22:06

Wow! You should be doing masterclasses in how to do divorce!! They sound lovely. I'd probably run your idea of going to the evening past them face to face to get an idea of whether or not they really want you there. But I think they probably do. So just do what feels comfortable to you.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 07/03/2017 23:57

That's amazing! Shock

Seren85 · 08/03/2017 00:15

Bloody hell and I thought DH's parents had the friendliest divorce ever (MIL AND SFIL went to FIL'S wedding -FIL'S didn't go to theirs as it was rather soon after and very small as I understand it- invite each to family parties for large events, have been known to meet up for drinks) but you and your ex seem to be an example of the perfect (well if there is one I suppose no ever expects to get divorced) divorce.

I would do whatever feels comfortable and it sounds like they will be understanding and gracious about whatever you do choose. What a fantastic example for your children. Oh and enjoy your holiday when you book it!

KC225 · 08/03/2017 00:24

Seeing as it has been mentioned that your ex SIL wants to look after the children, they seem to have already arranged childcare. I think the invitation is a polite gesture, and it would be a return polite gesture to say 'thank you that is so kind but it's your special day' as others have said send a card a gift, send a gift and make sure you have a good rest/fun child free day.

A couple of years ago. I went to a wedding with an amicable ex attending. Many guests were kept checking to see if she was 'ok' and stopping to give her the head tilt sad face. She was on our table and at one point said if another person gives her the head tilt sad face she would stab them with a fork. I think she found it really awkward.

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