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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I've raised terrible children, can I change this or should I LTBs?

65 replies

FoolishFly · 07/03/2017 13:52

My DDs - 9 & 12, seem to do fuck all round the home unless they absolutely have to.

The cereal bowls never make it near the dishwasher let alone inside. One will put her washing away if asked very firmly but never put a stray sisterly sock away as well.

Everything is not fair or I emptied the dishwasher last week.

I've raised terrible children IABU, can I change this or should I leave the bastards?

OP posts:

lalalalyra · 07/03/2017 14:18

Sit round the table, draw up a family rota and outline the consequences for not following the rota.

They are young enought to change it, but consistency is needed to make it work imo.

Isetan · 07/03/2017 14:24

They are just confirming your low expectations of them (rod and back springs to mind). Of course you can turn this around but you are going to have to get tough and consistent with your toughness.

Wolfiefan · 07/03/2017 14:28

So make it like they have to. If mine don't put dishes away I call them back to do it. Any attitude results in a consequence. Loss of tech etc.

mummymeister · 07/03/2017 14:37

carrot and stick. You don't put your stuff in the dishwasher, you don't have your phone/computer. you don't help with the washing, then it doesn't get done.

they behave badly and don't help because you have enabled them to do this - probably for a long time.

so now you have to enable them to behave as you want them to.

consistency is the key. if you threaten to take it away then you have to do it and not give in.

a rota of jobs is a brilliant way to start. but no excuses or you wont make any progress on this.

Original poster

FoolishFly · 07/03/2017 14:51

Thank you, I have caused this. We get some things right but that general helping each other out because it's a nice thing to do is missing. Dp is away alot and not one for thoughtful examples when he is here.

Will no one suggest LTB's?

OP posts:

knackeredinyorkshire · 07/03/2017 14:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpoofersAreLosers · 07/03/2017 14:53

Do there have something that they really value such as their pocket money or playing on a playstation? Can you use that as a means of getting them to do what you want.

My DC loved their N64 when they were little and I credit it for ensuring my DC were reasonably behaved and helpful. I was very, very consistent. I gave them clear instructions as to my expectations and clear and standard punishments if they didn't do what they were asked. Generally it was lose 1 days gaming if they were naughty (3 warnings) then if they complained at getting a 1 day ban it jumped to a week ban. I NEVER actually had to do the week ban. I occasionally allowed myself to change my mind - I'm not perfect! but almost all of the time if I said something I meant it even if it was a pain for me.

They were not perfect by a long shot but they weren't bad. They were polite and helpful but I could ever quite get a handle on their bickering.

They are adults now and they still like me 😄

purplecollar · 07/03/2017 14:53

I find mine (similar age) to be more amenable to positive encouragement. Be a dear and put that in the dishwasher would you works far better than FGS clear up after yourself. Mine are similar so I have raised terrible dc too however. I use bribery on occasion.

IamFriedSpam · 07/03/2017 14:54

lalalalyra idea is good. Agreed upon rota all printed out then set consequences for not doing it. If you want you could coincide it with a slight increase in pocket money BUT no pocket money if chores aren't done.

I wouldn't worry too much, I never lifted a finger at home but turned into a considerate housemate once I moved out and had to grow up.

SpoofersAreLosers · 07/03/2017 14:55

Will no one suggest LTB's?

Awww, they will leave home soon enough. Then, hopefully, will return from Uni or wherever full of gratitude for all that you have done for them 😊

incredibule · 07/03/2017 14:55

You are the parent, they are the DC, and you love them but you are not 'friends' or 'mates'. They are adults in training and as pp has suggested it should start here with established duties, boundaries and responsibilities for everyone. They have a lot of growing up to do and everyone will be happier without permissive parenting.

TENSHI · 07/03/2017 14:57

Keep positive and optimistic.

Have a sit around the table for a family team meeting. Up date regularly so that you can iron any difficulties as you experience them. Keep it businesslike.

Write out everything that needs doing daily, weekly and monthly.

Ask everyone to put their initials by the jobs they are going to do.

Explain they are no longer toddlers, it is not a hotel, as a parent it is your responsibility to teach them basic skills they will need for independence. It's also basic human skills to have social skills which are to be kind and hepful.

Every little thing, including internet access, watching tv and all the things they like to do will be your bargaining chip.

If they want to go to X then they have to finish YZ first and stick to it.

No need for shouting or histrionics.

Keep calm.

By having it all written out will make them realise how much you do and only the most selfish and spoilt would fail to see that it is not fair for all the household tasks to be dumped on one person.

It's all part of being a team. Make treats like going on holiday, trips or even sweets/chocolate as rewards for being kind and hepful.

They are old enough to know how to fill/empty the dishwasher and washing machine etc.

You will find giving them responsibilities gives them chance to feel proud of their achievements, no matter how small.

Good luck op

ParadiseCity · 07/03/2017 14:58

Take their pocket money and spend it on a spa day

I have kids a bit like this, I think when you are a decade into parenting the cumulative effects really mount up. Just as they ought to be thoughtful and independent you realise you have to put yet MORE fucking effort into raising the little bastards. My solution is to tell them off more and give them more and more chores until they decide to stop moaning and get on with it.

Blobby10 · 07/03/2017 15:01

Yes yes to a rota!! It worked wonders with my three and got rid of all the 'its not fair I did it last week' rubbish. They wont learn to pick up after each other - ever!

But no I cant advise to LTB's only because my three all left home last year - 1 forces, 1 uni and 1 college and i miss them to bits - even their lazy little ways. And I'm even forgetting all the years that I screamed into a pillow as they were fighting downstairs and as I put on yet another load of washing or cleared up yet more plates and dishes. lost in nostalgia

HerOtherHalf · 07/03/2017 15:05

Will no one suggest LTB's?

Well you can't really do that, can you. You could maybe get some brochures for orphanages and adoption agencies and start leaving them lying around though. That might give them something to think about.

BeerMuggles · 07/03/2017 15:06

Turn off the wifi

I'm spineless and my kids always walk all over me but the wifi threat although it punishes me too is one that wields some power. the only power I have.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/03/2017 15:07

Does anyone REALLY clean up because it's a nice thing to do? Really?

I clean up after DD sometimes because we're late and it's better for me to do it. She cleans up because she likes the feeling of responsibility. DH cleans up because he has a view of himself as the clean and tidy one. I clean because DH is wonderful and I know it's important to him that I show willing! But not to be nice.

So give them motivation. Maybe it's earning screen time, maybe it's genuine heartfelt gratitude, maybe it's a treat, maybe it's pocket money, maybe it's a cleaning competition they can 'win'. Work out what motivates them and encourage it until it becomes habit.

Luckily DD is 6 and high fives are still enough.

Justwantcookies · 07/03/2017 15:08

Take their pocket money and spend it on a spa day

^ This!

Shouting works. But i think i prefer the keep quiet, deduct their pocket money and head to the spa approach

LostSight · 07/03/2017 15:08

We are a bit further along than you age-wise, but things are improving. I have recently been trying to ensure we do things as a family, including clearing up after ourselves and cleaning in general. If everyone is visibly mucking in, then it is harder for them to find a reason to duck out. And even the untidiest of rooms becomes spick and span quickly, with several of us working on it at the same time. So far, the effects have been revolutionary. Now all that remains to be seen is whether it will last.

BeyondThePage · 07/03/2017 15:14

They are kids - most kids have an inclination to be lazy - just ask.

Original poster

FoolishFly · 07/03/2017 15:15

I'll get back to you all once I've finished sending off for Orphanage brochures and I Disney one just for me.

OP posts:

notinagreatplace · 07/03/2017 15:16

Are you clear with them what you expect them to do?

It sort of sounds like you just expect them to do stuff "because it's nice" - I think that's unrealistic.

I hated it when my mother would criticise me for not doing stuff that I didn't even realise she thought I should be doing and I didn't bother doing stuff because whatever I did wasn't enough and I never knew what "enough" was. I was desperate for her to just tell me what my chores were and then I could just do them.

isupposeitsverynice · 07/03/2017 15:18

The thing is you can leave them but the authorities are quite good at tracking you down and then they'll either return the little bastards to you or put you in prison - this latter may of course be preferable at this point which is your perogative

RE: wifi turning off - smarter people than me can explain in more detail but it is possible to turn off access to only certain devices, meaning mummy can mumsnet but snotty toerags cannot minecraft or youtube

stevie69 · 07/03/2017 15:18

Would they fetch much on eBay? Just a thought ....

humourless · 07/03/2017 15:24

I change the wifi password all the time....

My kids do help, but only because I go on and on and on and on and on.

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