I've raised terrible children, can I change this or should I LTBs?

[FoolishFly]

My DDs - 9 & 12, seem to do fuck all round the home unless they absolutely have to.

The cereal bowls never make it near the dishwasher let alone inside. One will put her washing away if asked very firmly but never put a stray sisterly sock away as well.

Everything is not fair or I emptied the dishwasher last week.

I've raised terrible children IABU, can I change this or should I leave the bastards?

I'll swap you for mine.

the arguments are enough to make you weep.

ds - please pack the dishwasher - WHY???? because it is your job and your turn, as it has been for the last 3 years to pack the dishwasher on Monday night.
cue, stroppy drama about how hard done by he is, how much hard work it is and how he is NOT, I repeat NOT putting THAT plate in the dishwasher because it still has an invisible grain of rice on it and dd should have rinsed it HERSELF....

It is very tempting just to do it myself for a quiet life.

Or maybe I should do it while throwing the same sort of strop as dcs. That might wake them up.

Bribary for the oldest, reward chart for the younger.

It's the banning of screen time that scuppers me. If I ban tv they squabble and make such a mess that I still don't get anything done.

Mine treat me appallingly but even losing pocket money makes no difference. It's a long term battle I'm trying to win.

Does anyone REALLY clean up because it's a nice thing to do? Really

In my early teens the only thing that got me to do my share around the house was the realisation that if I didn't do X (clear table, wash dishes etc) then my mum would have to. Dad worked very long hours and mum worked full time. So even with my teenage brain I could see that it wasn't fair for her to do everyhing. So I did my bit even though I hated housework -still hate it.

I never threatened my kids. A threat implies they have a choice, they don't.
If I asked them to do something and they asked "why", unless there was some educational value in explaining something to them, the standard response was "because I say so".

I never shouted, never bribed, never confiscated things, never punished. I just set clear but fair boundaries and accepted that sometimes they would test them. That isn't defeatist, I don't believe. Kids are meant to be adventurous and I think it's as big a failing to have kids who are too afraid to push boundaries as it is to have kids that push too many or push too far. It's about giving them guidance, helping them pick themselves up when they fall down and, most importantly, enjoying being on the journey with them.

To this day, I still don't understand how I got away with it. looking back, I would say we were very liberal parents and yet my children will tell you they thought I was quite strict (we've talked about it a lot now that they are parents themselves). Ask them in what way I was strict though and they don't really know, it was purely perception. I had step-kids as well as biological kids and they were all brilliant so it's not genetic. It's all very weird.
By contrast, my parents smacked like they were training for the Olympics, they grounded, they confiscated, they threatened, my teachers belted and caned, random adults felt perfectly entitled to clip me round the ear and yet I was a rebellious little shit as a child.

My kids are horribly competitive and will fall over themselves to make their siblings look bad. So a well placed "thank you DS2 I'm so glad YOU help me out at least" will see DD rushing about trying to outdo whatever her brother has done...

Although this does lead to actual physical violence when I ask "can someone lay the table" and they have a proper fight over who can get into the cutlery drawer first.

Boarding school.

For them. If that doesn't work, then for you.

Will no one suggest LTB's?

I will! &him coming too! Mine are nearly 4 & 10, they'll make it alone, right??

*& I'm coming too, not him!

Haven't read the whole thread but I make mine come back to do stuff, I don't do it for them. I try to do it when it is most inconvenient for them

Also re the wifi, google your router and how to turn off individual devices. Dh says ones provided by your ISP might not be capable but worth a look.

Confiscate any phones so they can't use 4G.

Mine are 3 & 6 and I tell them both to put toys away or bowls in the sink before they are aloud to do something they want to do. I never made my 6 year old as a tot and she can be a bit "I don't want to" about tidying her room but my 3 year old now automatically puts his dishes in the sink,rubbish in bin, washing in wash pile I've never made a big deal of these things so they don't see them as chores, consistency is the key and also if it can be helped start them young! It can still be turned around just make it into something fun and positive not negative

I'd put them into foster care, have them back once over 18 and working

Mine are lazy too; they would never think of doing anything without being asked, but generally will if I specifically request it.

However, I don't work so I kind of think that their job is going to school/doing homework and mine is to look after them. I know this is not going to produce responsible adults though ☹️

LTBs.

I now realise what an opportunity I've missed. I'm moving house next week, but I've already shown DS (15) where the new house is, and how he can walk to it from the station. In the midst of pre-move clear out, I had to threaten to take everything in his room to the charity shop or the tip before he shifted himself - slowly - to tidy it up.

I've just told them that if they refuse my reasonable requests, I will automatically refuse all their reasonable requests. "May I go to X's birthday party?" "No" "why?" "Because you said "no" when I asked you to tidy your room and if you say no, I say no". It works MOST of the time.