AIBU to ask what you intend to do with respect to caring for elderly parents?

[Timeforteaplease]

I'm in my 50s and my DM (in her late 70s) has always said that she does not expect us to care for her. She didn't care for her own parents; they went into a home. But as she gets older, I think (but do not know for sure) that she is changing her mind and would like to move in if/when something goes wrong. I am guessing that she will not want to spend her savings on a care home.
Do we wait for a crisis to happen or talk to her in advance?

What is the norm for care these days?
For background DH and I both work full time, me from the home - but my job is still full time/high pressure.
Looking for good advice from people who have been through this.

CMOT, it is really tough and I'm sure you do a fabulous job. I do pop in and lurk on elderly parents occasionally! Thankfully some of the other family deal with other bits and pieces but we are the main visitors/physically closest.

I agree that the time taken to pop in a few times a week, or to take to a hospital appointment is a lot longer than you might expect.

My DM is managing in her own home with the help of a cleaner and gardener, and me popping in most days, doing hospital appointments etc. However, when she was discharged from hospital a couple of years ago she needed six weeks of care at home that the hospital arranged. Two carers visiting three times a day to provide personal care. As her savings were over the threshold she was billed for this and it cost her £440 per week.

Garnethair I think my own DF is getting this now, i thought it was free, I don't think he will want to pay for it!!

Pennina Wed 08-Mar-17 16:20:18

I can imagine how hard this is.

I think its awful people are ending their lives like this - I dont want this! I dont want to end up - alone in nursing home or being huge burden - incapacitated with my daughters.
Can you book yourself into swedish clinic even if your not terminally ill? I don't want to end my life like this.

Maybe it depends where you are, my dad used to have carers 3 times a provided by SS after he was in hospital and it wasn't means tested, I'm in NI.

halcyondays, when my aunt came out of hospital she was allowed a few weeks free care, think it was maximum of 12 weeks with 2 visits a day. After that it was means tested and we were told we could set it up or they would and add on a service charge.

My mother always used to say "I don't expect you to care for me, in fact I don't WANT you to care for me, I want professional care".

Then a couple of years ago, her own mother (my grandmother) went into a care home, and she saw what they were like. She didn't care for her own mother in their house, but did spend every other day visiting, running errands etc.

Now my mother is occasionally mentioning our spare room, and how she'd need to move over to us (we are three hours away). So much for the "professional care" she wanted ...

Last time she mentioned it, I told her that I'd already decided which (very) local care home would be best. I don't think she was happy

When I was a teenager my grandmother moved in with us as she became very ill and frail - by the end she was bed-bound, had dementia and was incontinent. It was my dad who gave up work to care for her, so it was good to see a male carer role model as I was growing up. So many people assume it will be the daughters who will be caring. I've always assumed that in the future my parents would live with me or one of my siblings when they become elderly, just like my grandmother. In many ways it was good for me to have seen the reality of caring for a very disabled elderly relative. We saw that it was difficult but it was definitely the best thing for my gran and it would be best for my parents, they would hate to go into care. My parents have always been there for me as family and I would want to be there for them when they are vulnerable too.

Last time she mentioned it, I told her that I'd already decided which (very) local care home would be best. I don't think she was happy

We are scared because we are going to be defenceless and it will be horrible. No-one can help us. Our bodies are going to fail. Beloved, loving children would be put under immense strain by 'caring', and the relationship would deteriorate. I think it's sad that you take such glee in your mother's fear and in her hopes that she can be close to people she cares about. My daughter won't 'care' when she's older, the pressure would be too great for her, as it would be for me to 'care' for my parents (my late mother died in a care home, my father is still in good health). That's ok. It's too much to ask. But for goodness sake, show some understanding.

I dunno, I think that if there is no way that someone is going to be moving in with you, it's kinder to make that clear really early on.

Why is it always the daughters who are expected to take on this caring responsibility, and made to feel guilty if we don't (or don't want to in the future)?

Where are the sons in this situation? They get a fair share of any inheritance but appear to skip the caring and guilt stages.

(Apologies for the generalisation)

I simply mentioned Power of Att... and was told, "I'm not looking after you".
I only wanted her to have access to my bank account.