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AIBU?

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Original poster

About DH just sucking the joy out of everything?

94 replies

ShimmyOhoh · 06/03/2017 15:32

Over the past, I'd say, 7 or 8 years, DH has got progressively more and more moody, less tolerant, less caring about the DCs and I, and also is getting more and more selfish.

He seems to be in bad moods/cross about everything, all the time! If he's tired, he gets moody, if he's fed up about something work related he's moody, if the kids or the pets do anything naughty he's moody, if he has to do anything he doesn't want to do he's moody.

It's all come to a bit of a head as I've had a stomach bug all weekend and he's been absolutely vile to us all; sulking, moody, banging around and just a total misery. I have tried to do as much as I can but have felt pretty rough and could have done without his snapping, huffing, and banging around like a spoilt child. I am still feeling pretty rough today and he just phoned me before he left work to come home and asked if I was better and I said yes a bit but still not great and I could tell on the phone that his mood changed at the drop of a hat and that he's not happy with me!

He never seems to enjoy doing anything at all unless it's something he's chosen to do. If we go out for dinner with his friends and their wives he's fine, all chatty and jovial, but if we do anything that involves meeting my friends he's grumpy and uncommunicative, then will pick an argument with me on the way home or when we get home. I try to have fun and laughs with the kids, but again he won't really join in with those and just sits watching his own thing on telly. If we go on any fun days out to theme parks or to the beach or anything like that he spoils the day with his bad mood. We've even been on holidays where he's been moody and grumpy for the whole holiday!

If I tackle him on his bad moods he then gets angry with me and won't talk to me as I've apparently got a bad attitude and am having a go at him! He will also say/do things that are bound to upset me or hurt me and when I tackle him he'll deny saying them, or say I'm oversensitive, or say something like "Does it really matter what was said? Why are you making a big deal and trying to cause an argument".

I really feel this weekend that I've had enough of it all. I am doped up to the fucking eyeballs on antidepressants but I do often feel that it's his moods and angriness that gets me down and makes me think I'm depressed.

OP posts:
Foldedtshirt · 06/03/2017 16:16

Divorce him- I doubt he'd be like that if he was only seeing the dcs eow, they just don't have that pandering behaviour yet and he'd probably be a nicer dad to them if time was precious.
Flowers it's not your fault.

Rainbunny · 06/03/2017 16:18

Oh and you need to understand something that took me a while to understand - his treatment of you (and your DC) is a sign of contempt. That saying "familiarity breeds contempt" absolutely applies here. Do you think he would dream of behaving this way at his job towards his colleagues or bosses? Do you think he behaves this way towards his friends? Of course not. He is telling you that he doesn't respect you and holds you in contempt when he does this. Realising this may help you to discover your anger at his behaviour!

Frouby · 06/03/2017 16:19

I do not tolerate toxic moods in this house. And that's what they are, toxic.

DP takes ADs so has an excuse (of sorts) for a down mood occasionally. However I call him on it every single time. If he starts getting stroppy or whining or banging around like a teenage girl I ask him what's wrong and if there is anything I can do to help. If the answer is no I ask him to take his mood elsewhere. I don't give a fuck where he goes as long as he is not bringing me and the kids down with him.

He used to stomp off to bed until I pointed out that he just couldn't go to bed with the face on whenever he felt down. And suggested he do something useful like walk the dog or do something in the garden or go and do abfood shop or some of the never ending chores.

He usually comes back much brighter.

If he didn't I would absolutely leave. Or rather he would.

Its definitely not your fault and you don't have to live like this. No one is responsible for another persons moods. And if he can't be nice to you or the kids on holidays and high days you might as well be single.

WinnieFosterTether · 06/03/2017 16:20

My ex was like this. It's soul destroying Flowers
It's also deliberate on his part. You aren't to blame for any of this. You do however need to work on your boundaries so you can clearly see he is responsible for his moods. Then you can start to detach. Don't invite him along to events if he's going to spoil them. Put a firm line in the sand. He can't come out with your friends. He can't come along on holidays. Honestly, it's much more relaxing when you're not worrying about what will set him off this time.

Medeci · 06/03/2017 16:22

You need to leave him, for the sake of your kids as well as yourself.
My father was like this, me and my siblings used to dread him coming home in "one of his moods". He used to ruin everything and I remember wishing he would die. I must have only been 7 or 8 years old.

BlessThisMess · 06/03/2017 16:22

Sounds like my DH. I am planning on leaving when I am financially stable.

TiredMumToTwo · 06/03/2017 16:23

Tell him like it is, it took me telling my husband that I was "done" with our relationship for him to take a step back and realise the effect his behaviour was having on me. Things have improved significantly since but I'm under no illusion that if things slip I need to be prepared to walk rather than put up with his shit which damages me and my kids.

summerholsdreamin · 06/03/2017 16:23

My DH was like this - permanent bad
mood, everything was a huge effort. Never gladly involved himself in family activities. Felt like me and DCs always took 2nd place

It all came to a head last summer when I told him his behaviour over the years had chipped away at my feelings for him and I wasn't even sure I still loved him. Frankly at that point if he had given me the slightest indication he felt the same it would have been game over.

Instead he totally shocked me,by it seemed, finally waking up to what an arsehole he'd been. Begged me not to leave him and said he'd try anything to put things right. We went to Relate and he was also put on ADs.

We are still working on things and our relationship is far from perfect but there have been lots of changes. He puts us first now and the moment I smell any whiff of old behaviour I call him on it. I was VERY clear at Relate that if he ever ignores his family's needs again and reverts to selfish tosser mode then that's it!

summerholsdreamin · 06/03/2017 16:25

Are you me Doggy? Grin

Elendon · 06/03/2017 16:29

You are living with my exh and nothing else will convince me otherwise.

Seriously though, why put up with this immature behaviour? Tell him in no uncertain terms that he either gets with the flow of family life or goes.

Moody behaviour by a parent will leave you with moody children. They will take on his characteristics.

angeldelightedme · 06/03/2017 16:32

maybe he is depressed?

Rainbunny · 06/03/2017 16:40

Angeldelightdme - I'm sure he is but without wishing to be mean to anyone who is suffering from depression, it doesn't give him the right to lash out at the world - or more specifically his family and I'm sure he manages to be cordial to his colleagues and friends.

My SIL suffers from long term depression which she does an admirable job of trying to overcome and she once said to me herself that depressed people can be the most selfish people in the world and I understand what she meant by that.

Elendon · 06/03/2017 16:44

You will be the resident parent. And anyway, at least you can give a bright side to life (I think he has emotionally checked out and will only see them fortnightly anyway).

You. Are. Not. A. Failure.

Say this every morning.

Elendon · 06/03/2017 16:45

I've suffered depression, as has my daughter. We both enjoy laughing and the good things in life.

Elendon · 06/03/2017 16:48

You can still be depressed and still have joy in your children. Still love them and want to do things for them.

Ecclesiastes · 06/03/2017 16:57

maybe he is depressed?

Makes no difference. The effect on the DC is precisely the same, which is why they need protection.

and he's not depressed, he's just a regular asshole like all the others

KatharinaRosalie · 06/03/2017 16:57

You say your children will resent braking up the family - will they really? Do they enjoy living with a father who is sulking and making every day miserable? Who is 'vile to you all' as you write. Grumpy, uncommunicative, spoiling every holiday and day out? Your children are probably also worrying every day about what mood he will be in again, what have they done to upset him, again..

And you - do you really want to live with someone who makes you miserable for the next what, 30 0r 40 years?

Kiroro · 06/03/2017 17:00

maybe he is depressed?

The kind of depression that only makes you an areshole when its something you don't want to do?

summerholsdreamin · 06/03/2017 17:00

My DH always used to bang on about how stressful and exhausting it was running a company and that I should be cutting him some slack at weekends (cue face like slapped arse all weekend when I insisted we all did something at weekends Hmm)

passingthrough1 · 06/03/2017 17:04

I would imagine your DC would be delighted to get out from his presence bringing everyone down.
You have one life.

MissingTheVillage · 06/03/2017 17:06

Frouby If he starts getting stroppy or whining or banging around like a teenage girl

Hmm

Please leave out the sexist stereotypes.

ClemDanfango · 06/03/2017 17:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

summerholsdreamin · 06/03/2017 17:09

Sorry for all my postscripts... I also remember telling DH that if we split he would have to put aside time for his DCs if he wanted any kind of relationship with them - and he would be doing that on his own!

BeMorePanda · 06/03/2017 17:11

OP you might want to move this to Relationships.

My XP was like this - I am much much happier now since I dumped him (catalyst was when he was mean to me when I was very unwell) and left him alone with his shitty attitude and moody behaviour.

BeMorePanda · 06/03/2017 17:13

Bet he will pay Disney Dad with the DC if you divorce.
Or they will just have to bear his moods for 2/14 DAYS, as opposed to 14/14 you are all suffering now.

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