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Original poster

About DH just sucking the joy out of everything?

94 replies

ShimmyOhoh · 06/03/2017 15:32

Over the past, I'd say, 7 or 8 years, DH has got progressively more and more moody, less tolerant, less caring about the DCs and I, and also is getting more and more selfish.

He seems to be in bad moods/cross about everything, all the time! If he's tired, he gets moody, if he's fed up about something work related he's moody, if the kids or the pets do anything naughty he's moody, if he has to do anything he doesn't want to do he's moody.

It's all come to a bit of a head as I've had a stomach bug all weekend and he's been absolutely vile to us all; sulking, moody, banging around and just a total misery. I have tried to do as much as I can but have felt pretty rough and could have done without his snapping, huffing, and banging around like a spoilt child. I am still feeling pretty rough today and he just phoned me before he left work to come home and asked if I was better and I said yes a bit but still not great and I could tell on the phone that his mood changed at the drop of a hat and that he's not happy with me!

He never seems to enjoy doing anything at all unless it's something he's chosen to do. If we go out for dinner with his friends and their wives he's fine, all chatty and jovial, but if we do anything that involves meeting my friends he's grumpy and uncommunicative, then will pick an argument with me on the way home or when we get home. I try to have fun and laughs with the kids, but again he won't really join in with those and just sits watching his own thing on telly. If we go on any fun days out to theme parks or to the beach or anything like that he spoils the day with his bad mood. We've even been on holidays where he's been moody and grumpy for the whole holiday!

If I tackle him on his bad moods he then gets angry with me and won't talk to me as I've apparently got a bad attitude and am having a go at him! He will also say/do things that are bound to upset me or hurt me and when I tackle him he'll deny saying them, or say I'm oversensitive, or say something like "Does it really matter what was said? Why are you making a big deal and trying to cause an argument".

I really feel this weekend that I've had enough of it all. I am doped up to the fucking eyeballs on antidepressants but I do often feel that it's his moods and angriness that gets me down and makes me think I'm depressed.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShimmyOhoh · 06/03/2017 15:56

If I split with him he would still get to see the kids presumably though wouldn't he? Then he would just be able to keep up with his moodiness with them plus the kids would probably resent me for splitting the family up.

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 06/03/2017 15:59

It's no way to live, believe me, I've been there. Was with my ex 25 years until I got to the stage where I just couldn't bear another minute. Life really is too short

Ooogetyooo · 06/03/2017 16:00

Yes he would still get to see his kids if you split, but to be honest it doesn't sound like he would make the effort to do it considering how he behaves now. You can't control what he does if you split, it's the 'now' that you can control. Are you on antidepressants because of his behaviour?

GTS · 06/03/2017 16:01

From my own experience, the kids will not resent you for seeking a better, healthier existence.
Doesn't sound like he particularly likes spending time with the kids, so possibly won't be interested in much contact. Or on the flipside, it might make him appreciate them more and improve their relationship with him. Either way, staying with him doesn't sound like much of a life for you OP.

StickyMouse · 06/03/2017 16:01

My ex was like this, especially if hungry. I am soooo glad that I don't have to put up with this shit anymore,

My DH started to be a bit like this, avoided DC activities and I pointed out that this behaviour would be in our DC's memories for their lifetime and he has (mostly) snapped out of it.

trb17 suggestion is good, tell him that you are considering that life would be better not in the marriage, his reaction should tell you everything.

pocketsaviour · 06/03/2017 16:02

given what you've said, is he likely to actually pursue contact?

Even if he does, and even if he's a sulky fucker that just watches TV and leaves the kids to play together, at least you're still giving them the message that it is okay to leave a relationship with a sulky mardy arse.

You can also give them techniques to protect themselves emotionally from his behaviour (with help from counsellors.) Currently all they are learning is that they have to put up with it and tiptoe around it. Which is exactly what your mum taught you when you were growing up, which is why you've ended up with two abusive bellends.

You and your kids deserve so much better than this joyless existence.

Ooogetyooo · 06/03/2017 16:03

Your kids won't resent you. Jesus it sounds like you're all living under the heavy weight of your husbands moods. Seize a better life for you and your kids, show them you don't have to accept this shit.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 06/03/2017 16:03

Your children might be relieved to have some respite from walking on eggshells all the time. How old are they?

MaryMorpho · 06/03/2017 16:03

OP it's not your fault at all that you've had had two shitty husbands. But what may be going on is that thanks to your childhood and your parents' attitude, you tend to accept shit that's handed to you and endure it for longer than some people would before going "hang on a minute..."

I can relate to that. I've recently separated from my very difficult ex after years of letting him make me think it was my fault, having him play the victim when I got cross, and me suffering worse and worse anxiety. The things where your H upsets you then denies what he said or blames you for having a go at him - mine did that a lot, it's gaslighting and it's abuse. It's horrendous because you basically can't have a decent straightforward conversation with the other person, and it's so exhausting.

My anxiety is soooooo much better now I'm not living with him and having his draining attitude around me all the time.

And yes it took me until my late 40s to really see how my abusive childhood had played itself out in my relationships. But late 40s is better than never and now I'm free of the misery. Yes life is hard work at the moment and will be until the DC are older, and yes I'm poorer. But I'm so much calmer and happier.

You can leave, if you want to.

Ecclesiastes · 06/03/2017 16:04

the kids would probably resent me for splitting the family up.

You do realise the reverse is true, don't you?

My OH had a dad like this. He was delighted when he died, and indifferent when his mother died.

Get out now before more damage is done.

marriednotdead · 06/03/2017 16:05

Please don't make that a reason to stay OP. I've walked in your shoes.

Your kids will work out what he's like over the coming years without you saying a word. And they'll see you become happier and more confident once you escape the emotion drain you're currently putting up with.

If you stay, you are telling them this is normal and ok behaviour. They'll either become just like him or be the current version of you by finding a partner who treats them poorly. Neither appeal? Thought not.

Blinkyblink · 06/03/2017 16:05

Similar to my dh

We are going through sicorcw proceedings

One crack at life and I didn't want someone to grind me down to their level.

StickyMouse · 06/03/2017 16:05

My parents broke up and I don't resent them for it,

as they grow up they will see their DF as you do, he might step up and show them more interest if contact with them isn't often.

AllllGooone · 06/03/2017 16:05

I was also married before and my first husband hit me and my parents said he must have had his reasons to hit me!

That's so sad op Sad

My mum makes horrible comments like that. My dad was abusive and she once said we were lucky because he didn't rape us.

In your position I'd honestly leave my husband if he was like that. Life is too short to walk on eggshells.

GrumpyOldBlonde · 06/03/2017 16:06

I had one of these, it's exhausting.
I had to pack his bags which shocked him, then tell him it was totally him not me, that I would not tolerate his moods a moment longer and he was ruining life for everyone including himself and if I kicked him out it was entirely his own fault.

Things have changed since then for the better but he knows he is on his final warning.

SuperFlyHigh · 06/03/2017 16:06

OP - my mum had a DH who had an affair first time round (1st divorce), 2nd marriage her DH (my dad) was an alcoholic so that ended that, so can quite see why you're loathe to end yours.

At long last my mum and stepdad are happy but for years though they ticked along they were happy and not happy. Various reasons.

If you are really that unhappy think eg 10-20 years time, could you still be with this person??

TheNaze73 · 06/03/2017 16:07

All his actions & words, suggest he's emotionally checked out

Blinkyblink · 06/03/2017 16:08

Divorce that should read

MaryMorpho · 06/03/2017 16:09

Oh and I was really worried about the kids. And yes, he does take out his crap on them – the older one particularly gets the same shit that I used to. And it's very hard. BUT I can help them, talk to them about how they feel, and help them process it, and they do talk about him and understand he's bad at some things. I see them lowering their expectations of him.

Overall though, they spend less time than before being affected by his nastiness, and they do have some good times with him when he behaves better. And they have a home where they can relax and not tread on eggshells. Longer term, I am showing them that you can walk away from a relationship that makes you sad and stressed, and that if they ever need to do that, they'll know I understand.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 06/03/2017 16:11

Tell him to get to fuck. Your kids will appreciate having a normal life with you, not walking on eggshells. They will have fun with you, relax and be themselves.

What a miserable existence you and kids have now Sad

You deserve so much better.

cherryberrymum · 06/03/2017 16:12

He has the upper hand here. He's controlling everything with his mood. I was married to a man exactly like this. Initially I didn't have the balls to leave him. Then his behaviour became so annoying I stopped giving a shit about him. Me and the kids lived our own lives and he just existed in the same house. He never came on fun days or anything and he didn't see my family for about a year as we just didn't involve him. After about two years I left him. Kids see him alternate weekends and now they are not even that arsed bout seeing him as he's doing the same old emotional shite on them.

U will eventually see that what he's doing is emotional abuse. Until then try just ignoring him and let him see he means as little to u and u do to him. Treat him with the disdain he deserves.

Rainbunny · 06/03/2017 16:12

I left my first dh because of this. He was a miserable, bitter man and he wasn't even 30 years old but carried around the biggest chip on his shoulder and felt hard done by because success didn't fall in his lap. To be fair, he had a rough childhood, his df walked out when he was a baby and his dm eventually abandoned him when he was 11. His DGPS scooped him up and he lived with them until he was an adult. For 10 years he was in a loving and supportive environment with his grandparents. When we first met he was a bright, happy man but over the next decade as we worked in our careers and I outpaced him while he didn't progress much if at all, he became a completely different person. Bitter and resentful and it became his daily personality. It was clear he resented me really for not struggling the way he was. It took me years longer than it should have but I eventually left and filed for divorce (4 years after I realised that I wanted to divorce him). I have no regrets other than the fact that I took so long to do it because I was scared and ashamed of failing at my marriage. I don't know if you are really in a LTB situation OP - only you know that but I wanted to share my experience to show that I understand what it's like to live with a miserable bitter person and how scary it is to think about leaving. I'm happier than I've ever been now fwiw!

AshesandDust · 06/03/2017 16:12

He sounds like another charmless, joy sucking PA - I married one of those.
Hard ball ultimatum time 'cured' it for a while but it never went away - it
creeps back.
Find your happiness elsewhere, OP because he doesn't seem capable
of giving it.

HappyFlappy · 06/03/2017 16:13

my first husband hit me and my parents said he must have had his reasons

Of course he did Shimmy

He was a bully and a sh1t. Those are the only reasons for hitting anyone.

DameDeDoubtance · 06/03/2017 16:14

Get out now, this minute, life really is too short.

Make plans, sort your finances, then divorce him. You and the kids will be so much happier.