There's obviously a bit of a back story but you should be able to get the gist from the message. ExSIL recently got in touch after three years with the obvious intention of getting my DC's relationship back on track with their DF, her brother, as the DC have refused to see him for several months now. We used to get on well and I was hopeful that she might be able to get through to abusive XH. I was disappointed to find that she just brushed over the very serious issues which I told her about. Anyway, it a long message but was I unreasonable to send it? I'm not normally a confrontational person but her messages to me made me see red:
Hi XSIL. I'm not going to reply on Facebook to your last message but I need to get this off my chest as I'm frankly pretty disappointed about your position on this matter. When you got in touch, I was pleased and hopeful as I know you're a reasonable person and I thought that once you heard my side of the story and realised what was going on, you'd speak to XH and possibly get through to him. All I've ever wanted was for XH to be a good parent because my children deserve that and I thought maybe with your input, he would start being more reasonable. God knows I've tried to get through to him over the years but it makes no difference.
You say you don't want to take sides but the truth of the matter is you should be taking sides: the side of your nieces. I get that you might not be ready to hear it or confront it but the absolute bottom line is that XH is ABUSIVE and is an ABUSER. He abused me for our entire relationship and he still tries to abuse and control me now. I know you all turned a blind eye at the time and excuse me for reaching a place where I won't take his shit any more, but as a minimum, I expect you not to be complicit in his abuse of me and your nieces. I suggest you look up the term 'flying monkey' as that is what you are being at the moment. I get that at the heart of it, you want the girls to have a relationship with XH and hope that if we could just reach a compromise, then it will be possible. But you need to think carefully about what cost having a relationship will have to them. I want you to answer me this truthfully: do you think XH is a good father? Not if he has the potential, but if he actually is a good father right now?
What has annoyed me is the innocuous platitudes of 'it takes two people', 'both have to drop the animosity' etc. I'm sorry, but platitudes do not feed my children, keep them warm, clothed, fed, happy, healthy. Actual parenting does that. There is this implication from your messages that I am somehow complicit in this bad blood between us and I have to also 'try'. Well sorry, but I am already doing my bit AND his bit too. I do EVERYTHING for my children with limited help from anyone else and zero help from him. And I do all this whilst battling a chronic illness. Do you know what it's like when the cupboards are running low and you have fuck all money to feed your kids? What it's like to worry when they start outgrowing their clothes knowing you have nothing with which to buy more? What it's like to be stuck in all the time because you have no money to do nice things? To struggle every fucking day because ALL the responsibility is yours? I guess not because your DH wouldn't ever see you or the boys struggle. Let me tell you, it's fucking shit and scary to be the ONLY provider. So when I tell you that he hasn't helped in nearly a year with anything, hasn't given a penny towards the support of his children, and he responds that he will start paying WHEN he starts seeing them, were you not embarrassed to tell me that like it was an acceptable solution? It isn't. He has an obligation and your nieces are suffering because he doesn't give a shit. That isn't love. That isn't a father. And if you really cared, you'd tell him to forget seeing them until he can do the absolute minimum which is to FINANCIALLY SUPPORT HIS CHILDREN. What would happen if I decided not to spend my money on them? They'd be removed from my care, that's what. Why should it be any different for him? And to add insult to injury, he's living the life of fucking Reilly and it's one big fucking joke to his family. I've seen the memes you've tagged him in: ha ha, XH is an alcoholic who goes out on the piss all the time. Sorry if I'm not able to see the funny side when he's pissing up MY CHILDREN'S money against the wall and snorting it up his nose. It's a fucking slap in the face for me when I'm struggling so much. Aside from that, I have tried and tried and tried with him, yet here I still am, doing everything on my own and still taking his abuse. I deserve to be angry so don't tell me that I should also be trying. Been there, done that for 16 PAINFUL years. You should be telling him to PROVE himself first. Tell him you're not surprised that I'm angry given he does fuck all and our children are missing out. Don't tell me I should keep on taking his abuse 'for the good of the children'. Do you know there isn't a SINGLE occasion where we've spoken and he hasn't levelled some form of criticism of me or my ability as a parent? I don't know where the fuck he gets off trying to imply that I've done anything wrong. I REFUSE to listen to it anymore. Why should I? And then I start getting the same from you! You need to accept and admit to yourself that I've done nothing wrong, I've already tried, and it shouldn't be up to me anymore. WHEN and IF he is able to PROVE that he is a capable and caring father, then I will start believing it. Were you not shocked by the things I told you? Most people are. It's time you placed the blame squarely with the person that deserves it. I know better than anyone how difficult he is but if you love your nieces like you say you do, then be an advocate for them and stand up to him and tell it to him straight. TAKE YOUR NIECES' SIDE.