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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that visiting time is visiting time

83 replies

wherethewildrosesgrow · 04/03/2017 19:43

I'm 37 weeks pregnant, due for induction next Tues 5pm (week38)........I've already had two requests for visitors on the Weds morning & afternoon, FOR FUCKS SAKE...........I understand that everyone is keen to see the new baby....but really?? I might not have even had the baby by then ( I hope I have), the main problem I have is that visiting time is 3-5pm & 6.30-8pm, and the in laws are expecting me to 'have a word' with the midwives, so they can be allowed in on Weds at 9am (assuming I HAVE given birth), only partners with the babies sibling are allowed in at 9am, and the in laws are fully expecting to be let in as well, saying 'its only us' and 'we are the grandparents after all'.....my own parents are also expecting to be let in at around 12pm, as they have an appointment in the same town as the birthing hospital, which is a considerable drive from their house, so they don't want to hang around for hours between their own appointment and the start of visiting, or drive all the way back.
My answer to them both is no, just no
my partner thinks I'm being unreasonable, and it wouldn't hurt to let them in just for a few mins
But I want that time from 9am to be our time, just us, me partner and our 2 older children, the babies 2 older siblings, together just the 5 of us. Its a time we will not get back again.
I think that visiting time is visiting time, if the midwives let one set of in laws in, they would have to let everybody's visitors in...the place would be bedlam.
I've told them clearly that they will not be allowed in, message doesn't seem to be sinking in.....my first birth was late afternoon, so everyone managed to visit the same evening, my second was at midnight and mother in law managed to sneak in at 9am the next morning behind another dad visiting his new born, she was quickly told that it was not general visiting time, but not til after she'd managed a sneaky hold of the baby. I also don't plan on giving everyone the details of the baby until our elder 2 children know first, I think they should be the first to know if the have a new baby brother or sister, so if I give birth in the middle of the night, everyone will just get a call or a text saying 'baby is here more details to follow once 1& 2 know'.....also with both my other 2 children, as we have been discharged from hospital, I have been met on the doorstep of our home by my sis in law,who has driven 150 miles to visit the newborns....another time I think is very special and a private occasion. ........am I just being pregnant and grumpy like my partner suggests ?

OP posts:

Hellmouth · 04/03/2017 21:21

Sometimes induction doesn't even work straight away. There was a lady in my room who had been given the pessary twice and it didn't work. I, naturally, went into labour straight away, but it was still over 24 hours before DS was born.

Stick to your guns and tell them no. YADNBU

MipMipMip · 04/03/2017 21:24

Maybe get your DH to have a word with SIL too - say you'll invite her when you are a bit more settled. I imagine when you get hone you'll be exhausted and you'll need to settle things for your other DCs.

P1nkSparkles · 04/03/2017 21:33

To be honest... bearing in mind you're going to have your 2dc & your DH there anyway - it's not like you're going to be a small party on the ward, so no matter how persuasive they try to be I can't see the midwives turning a blind eye... particularly if you mentioned that you weren't so keen on extra visitors. (I imagine they might be more flexible if you were on your own with no DH).

I also second induction potentially taking ages...

MumW · 04/03/2017 21:33

Might be an idea to 'confiscate' DH's phone if you want to keep things quiet. I imagine at the bottom of your pack of industrial sized maternity pads would make an excellent hiding place. 😉

Original poster

wherethewildrosesgrow · 04/03/2017 22:21

to top it all off sis in law has just posted on facebook about her plans to drive up on weds to visit the new arrival, cue my phone buzzing with messages of congratulations, what did u have etc. I feel this is in really bad taste now, organising to see a baby that is not even here yet, its making me feel very nervous, anything could go wrong, I'm not a panicky person at all, maybe I'm just really hormonal but I feel a bit like they are going to put a jinx on the whole thing, I haven't even made a big facebook announcement that I'm pregnant, I don't tend to post personal details on there, I might just post a pic in a couple of weeks or so, like I did with the first 2.
That's it now I'm not going to politely tell them that the midwives wont let them in before visiting, I'm going to tell them I don't want anyone there before visiting time, and I will also tell sis in law not to turn up unannounced, no matter how far she has driven

OP posts:

P1nkSparkles · 04/03/2017 22:26

OMG op - that's totally out of order!! I really feel for you...
The amount of stress they're causing you I would tell the lot of them that they can't visit till you're home!!

ImperialBlether · 04/03/2017 22:27

You need to go crazy about this. You're being too nice. You need to say exactly what you've said here. Who the hell does your SIL think she is?

memyselfandaye · 04/03/2017 22:31

When I was in, 3 hours after being induced a midwife popped her head around the door and said there's a couple of visitors here to see you.

I fucking knew who it was before she finished speaking, my aunt and uncle had already mentioned a hospital appointment that day and I just knew they would try and get in to the mat ward.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 04/03/2017 22:31

OFFS!

Good for you OP. If all else fails you can always tell dp that at this rate you will be getting a referral to another hospital, quite possibly one in any other county but yours, and not telling anyone where, including him. You and baby may agree to come home when everyone calms the fuck down.

OopsDearyMe · 04/03/2017 22:32

If you're anything like me you might be waiting still two days later, In all three of mine I was induced on monday then had to wait until weds to have them appear!

Original poster

wherethewildrosesgrow · 04/03/2017 22:41

Just spoken to sis in law on phone, as she is too far away for face to face, asked her why she wrote that on facebook, when its fairly obvious from my own page that I'm not one for sharing personal details, she was very apologetic, but also added that she hadn't actually named me, or my husband, but we have a lot of mutual friends and family, so it was fairly obvious that someone was likely to think of me, also the way that she wrote it 'headed back to my homelands on weds to meet a newborn', making people think that the baby was already here. silly cow!

OP posts:

JaneEyre70 · 04/03/2017 22:43

I'm literally gobsmacked that another woman would post that, especially if she's had children herself. It's not something that you announce on someone else's behalf and she has no right at all. I'd be posting a very snotty comment back to that i'm afraid.

Polly85 · 04/03/2017 22:57

The way they have all treated you is SO RUDE. I'm really annoyed on your behalf. This is your family's special time, they can bloody well wait until you're ready, and not a moment before. Sorry you've had to deal with this BS

Original poster

wherethewildrosesgrow · 04/03/2017 23:01

I have just commented under her post ' not me folks, I haven't had my bundle yet, but I doubt I'll find time to post it on here anyway' jane my sis in law is one of these people that finds time to post selfies of everywhere she goes everything she does, everything she eats ! She does have one child of her own, same age as my eldest, she cant see what the problem is about accepting visitors is so soon after the birth, but then she had a completely different pregnancy & birth to me, whilst I seem to suffer complications/illness during pregnancy, hers went along trouble free, she also had a planned elective c section in a private hospital, and employed a maternity nurse to do the night feeds, and a nanny during the day, from day one, so she felt more than able to accept visitors...we really are worlds apart

OP posts:

Justanothernameonthepage · 04/03/2017 23:09

Isn't it a shame that with the NHS being so overstretched they've had to change the induction till Friday? And I'd probably point out to DH that he should be supporting you and stressing a pregnant woman out by removing her right to decide on how her birthing and recovery is not only dickish, but pretty piss poor behaviour from someone who should be supporting her.

Justanothernameonthepage · 04/03/2017 23:10

Oh and in my case, if my DH was being so dismissive of my feelings, I'd be reconsidering having him in the room at all.

MrEBear · 05/03/2017 11:09

Op I like your reply I hope SIL is suitably squirming.
Hope the induction goes well, I was a bag of emotions going for mine, excited to get my baby in my arms but fearful of it ending interventions.

I think you get DH on board and not tell people when the baby is born. Alternatively if you can't get him on board go it alone. I didn't plan it to happen but was induced and nobody realised (including me) that I was in active labour baby was born on the ward not in the birthing suites, DH nowhere in sight.

Wolpertinger · 05/03/2017 11:58

Just say you have had a word with the midwives and they have said absolutely no way, the rules on visiting apply to everyone (which is what they would say anyway, they didn't make up the rules for shits and giggles).

CalmItKermitt · 05/03/2017 12:13

Good luck op. Be ruthless! X

rollonthesummer · 05/03/2017 12:16

You are so not being unreasonable!

Most of the problems I have read on mumsnet this morning have been caused by posters with a perfectly valid point of view but with a husband who doesn't back them up!

littlefrog3 · 05/03/2017 12:16

YANBU ... When I had my wee babies, I didn't want to see ANYone, yet along came loads of people wanting to see them. Understandable, but annoying.

NapQueen · 05/03/2017 12:21

Id message round "checked with hospital and no visitors permitted on antenatal or during induction. Ill message round once we are settled in postnatal and ready for visitors but its max 3 per bed so dont all rush down. Advice for my induction is that it could take up to 4 days so no visitors Weds required"

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 05/03/2017 14:22

OP said: I've told them clearly that they will not be allowed in, message doesn't seem to be sinking in..... 'but it's only us!' and 'we are the grandparents after all!'

It's not that they don't know the information, the problem is they don't like the information so they plan on ignoring it.

liz70 · 05/03/2017 14:35

Heck, no. Instruct the midwives to answer all telephone enquiries with, "Wherethe.. is comfortable, thank you. " No more information than that. You call the shots here, not your parents, not your ILs, not anybody else. They'll have time a plenty to visit and hold your baby later on, when you decide. Stand your ground and enjoy those first precious days together. Hope all goes well.

Witchend · 05/03/2017 15:51

At our hospital they wouldn't stand a chance even if you yourself begged them.
They won't let anyone other than birthpartner and siblings of the baby in in the morning.
Someone sneaked in, when I was there, half an hour early and despite the rest of us on the ward saying we didn't mind, they were politely turfed out. We were in awe of their turfing out ability.

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