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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that visiting time is visiting time

83 replies

wherethewildrosesgrow · 04/03/2017 19:43

I'm 37 weeks pregnant, due for induction next Tues 5pm (week38)........I've already had two requests for visitors on the Weds morning & afternoon, FOR FUCKS SAKE...........I understand that everyone is keen to see the new baby....but really?? I might not have even had the baby by then ( I hope I have), the main problem I have is that visiting time is 3-5pm & 6.30-8pm, and the in laws are expecting me to 'have a word' with the midwives, so they can be allowed in on Weds at 9am (assuming I HAVE given birth), only partners with the babies sibling are allowed in at 9am, and the in laws are fully expecting to be let in as well, saying 'its only us' and 'we are the grandparents after all'.....my own parents are also expecting to be let in at around 12pm, as they have an appointment in the same town as the birthing hospital, which is a considerable drive from their house, so they don't want to hang around for hours between their own appointment and the start of visiting, or drive all the way back.
My answer to them both is no, just no
my partner thinks I'm being unreasonable, and it wouldn't hurt to let them in just for a few mins
But I want that time from 9am to be our time, just us, me partner and our 2 older children, the babies 2 older siblings, together just the 5 of us. Its a time we will not get back again.
I think that visiting time is visiting time, if the midwives let one set of in laws in, they would have to let everybody's visitors in...the place would be bedlam.
I've told them clearly that they will not be allowed in, message doesn't seem to be sinking in.....my first birth was late afternoon, so everyone managed to visit the same evening, my second was at midnight and mother in law managed to sneak in at 9am the next morning behind another dad visiting his new born, she was quickly told that it was not general visiting time, but not til after she'd managed a sneaky hold of the baby. I also don't plan on giving everyone the details of the baby until our elder 2 children know first, I think they should be the first to know if the have a new baby brother or sister, so if I give birth in the middle of the night, everyone will just get a call or a text saying 'baby is here more details to follow once 1& 2 know'.....also with both my other 2 children, as we have been discharged from hospital, I have been met on the doorstep of our home by my sis in law,who has driven 150 miles to visit the newborns....another time I think is very special and a private occasion. ........am I just being pregnant and grumpy like my partner suggests ?

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 04/03/2017 20:17

My in laws turned up at the labour ward.
Thankfully they were sent packing.

FurryLittleTwerp · 04/03/2017 20:17

You must tell them it's shifted to Thursday - brilliant suggestion above!

I remember my mother swarming into my post-delivery room ASAbloodyP & felt my mood hit the floor as she clucked about with mountains of hideous designer baby clothes - sigh!

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 04/03/2017 20:18

YANBU or grumpy. Dh is being ridiculous.

Don't bother arguing any further with them all, just as pps say, ring and tip off the department in advance. Tbh I'd remind them again right in front of dh when you arrive that all four GPs are very overexcited, have sneaked in against the rules before and despite all you can say they are determined to get in again whether you want this or not, ignoring the set visiting times. Oh and SiL is planning on mugging you for the baby on the doorstep as you leave. You are stressed and upset about this which is naturally just great for you and the baby, so you'd appreciate their help and unfortunately they need to be aware that dh is a pushover for them and wants to let them do their thing/says you're just being grumpy.

Hopefully they'll explain it all to him. slowly. clearly. with pictures You'd think by the third baby he'd be less clueless!

OhTheRoses · 04/03/2017 20:18

"it would be lovely to see you but the visiting hours are ..... and the maternity unit is very strict; I have asked and they have said no". If they turn up you will already have notified the midwives that you don't wish to receive visitors except your DH and children outside of the usual hours. You can sympathise later.

EB123 · 04/03/2017 20:22

I just wouldn't tell them that baby has arrived until you are ready xx

Oysterbabe · 04/03/2017 20:22

I told everyone I didn't want anyone at the hospital and they could visit when we were home and ready for them. That's what happened too, even though I was in a week. Don't pussyfoot around, tell them what you want to happen and how angry you'll be if they ignore your wishes.

Itsnotwhatitseems · 04/03/2017 20:22

I was induced with my 3rd baby. It took 2 hours start to finish, but she was only 3 pounds (32 weeks) and her DB who was born 2 years before was 10.5 pounds so stretched the exit to make it easy for her.

Good luck with the visitors and hope your induction goes well xx

PeaFaceMcgee · 04/03/2017 20:31

My friend's boss turned up when she had just given birth on delivery, legs covered in blood etc. Her twat of a DH had put it on FB Angry

slithytove · 04/03/2017 20:32

I had induction scheduled 9 Thursday morning
It was begun around 6pm that evening once there was was a bed and I had all the checks etc
Baby eventually born by section 6pm Saturday evening

Get the midwives on board and you'll be fine

JaneEyre70 · 04/03/2017 20:33

I honestly wouldn't worry, the midwives are amazing efficient at dispensing of unwanted visitors and keeping to visiting times only. You can always send a text saying baby is here but you're still on the delivery unit as a few things they are watching and you will let them know as soon as you can see people and what the best time will be.

MatildaTheCat · 04/03/2017 20:39

Ok, am assuming it's either baby no 1 or, as you are being induced at 38 weeks, your cervix will probably not be 'favourable ' in obstetric terms. This means that the evening of admission is for assessment, monitoring and probably the insertion of the pessary to 'ripen' the cervix, a process which can take 24 hours.

So the chance of you having given birth by weds morning is fairly remote. Dismiss all visit requests with the same phrase, ' we are not allowed to have visitors during the induction process. We will let you know when we have news. We cannot take calls during this time as its not allowed. We will call you when we have news.'

Stick to this rigidly. At 38 weeks I am sorry to say that it's possible you could be delayed if, for example someone else is 42 weeks and there is pressure on beds. Tell them you are not at all certain when you will have news.

Rinse and repeat. I advise telling them a good few hours after the birth as they sound very pushy keen to be there from the start.

RicottaPancakes · 04/03/2017 20:39

You've got the right to privacy and so do the other mums and babies on the ward. I really don't understand why so many grandparents are so desperate to see their grandchild as soon as it's been born, even if the parents have asked for some privacy.

I would hahe a word with the midwives, to warn them that the grandparents might try to sneak in .

Miserylovescompany2 · 04/03/2017 20:42

I've been induced three times. All drip, first took 7 hrs, second took 3 hrs, third took 2 hrs. Natural labour for 2nd child took 1 hr went from 3 cm dilated to crowning in phenomanal time one continuous contraction!

There are visiting hours for a reason. Expecting you to have a quiet word just beggars belief. They should WAIT until they're invited.

MatildaTheCat · 04/03/2017 20:45

Sorry, I meant to say that until the cervix is ready the labour itself cannot be induced. So,mum to 24 hours getting ready. Wait for delivery suite bed. Transfer to DS. Breaking of waters, monitor baby and mobilise. If contractions not establishing then start of IV syntcocinon at a slow rate until labour established. The labour itself.....

I'm absolutely not trying to scare you but to point out the reality that being induced takes a long time for most and is also subject to delays and is boring. Your family are being totally unrealistic.

ASqueakingInTheShrubbery · 04/03/2017 20:46

The midwives will send them packing. Prewarn them to be on the safe side, but I'm sure they will tell any visitors to bugger off. My mum turned up at 10am just after DD was born and would have been very welcome as far as I was concerned, but was firmly told to come back at visiting time.

Original poster
wherethewildrosesgrow · 04/03/2017 20:47

thank you all, I was beginning to think I was being silly, the main reason my partner thinks i'm being a bit daft is that our eldest 2 are only 4 (nearly 5) and 1(nearly2), and thinks it wont make a blind bit of difference to them at that age who knows what/ sees the baby first, and it probably wont, but to me that first meeting between siblings is very special, and I bet I get quite emotional, I want it to be private, he's not bothered as its only his mother, I wonder if he'd feel the same if it was just my mother/sister etc.
Unfortunately, not telling them is not an option this time, as both sets of in laws are involved in the child care arrangements for the elder 2, and the plan is for my partner to go back to his parents after I have given birth and hes kicked off the ward, as that's where the elder 2 are staying on the tues night, as its very close to the hospital, and our house is nearly 30 miles away, so he close by with them ready to visit when the time comes......I'm so hoping for a quick labour, my 2nd was only 5 hours, so I'm hoping for the same again PLEEEEASE, 5pm induction...I know !! apparently that's one of the earlier ones, some of my friends in the area were 8pm.....I wish it was 10am!

OP posts:
ButtonMooooon · 04/03/2017 20:47

They want to count themselves lucky for those visiting hours!!! My local Hospital is 3-4 and 7-8. I can't tell you how annoyed I was when they decided 3.05 was a good time to take DS for a routine hearing test when a visitor I had invited had just arrived Angry

Visiting times are there for a reason as you and other PP have said xx

Wishing you all the very best of luck for next week FlowersBrewCakeBear

nat73 · 04/03/2017 20:54

My induction took 24 hours but in any case YANBU, its your home and your family. Say no visits for a week!!

Rachel0Greep · 04/03/2017 20:54

I will never understand people like this. Yes, I get it, people are excited about seeing the baby, but ffs!

YADNBU! Take care. Flowers

icyfront · 04/03/2017 20:55

Do some grandparents have selective memories?

Or was it that when they were on the labour/post-natal wards it was "open all hours" to anyone who fancied a visit?

Though having said that, my mother didn't think that visiting hours (this was back in the 1970s) should apply to her.

RicottaPancakes · 04/03/2017 20:56

At our hospital grandparents are never allowed to visit on the ward, dads and siblings only.

WarblingWail · 04/03/2017 21:03

My induction took three days to work. It was very dull waiting.

But why do people visit in hospital? If everything has gone well, the mother will be sent home pretty quickly. I had baby at 7am and was in the car leaving by 3pm. I had categorically said no one was to pester me while I was in hospital, and I'd let people know when I wanted visitors at home.

Tell your DP that his role is to support you, and you'll see how you feel about visitors after you've had the baby. Also tell him to make sure visits are brief.

MrsMcMoo · 04/03/2017 21:05

So upsetting reading these threads. What is wrong with these selfish relatives? Why can't they respect the woman who is actually giving birth? Have a good birth OP. Let your DH read the replies here maybe, so he'll stand up for you properly, as any decent man would.

PossumInAPearTree · 04/03/2017 21:18

I'm a midwife and visiting is strictly enforced where I am and I should imagine it's the same in most places. Mornings are for ward rounds, post natal checks, etc which we can't do if everyone has visitors round the bed.

Never mind the peace and quiet which new mums could do with....postnatal wards are bonkers enough without free for all visiting hours.

SusanneLinder · 04/03/2017 21:19

I am a gran of two, and would never bèen so bloody presumptious! I was luckily asked by DD1 to be her birthing partner on birth of my first DGC along with her DH, but I fucked off shortly after bubs was born. DH did go outside visiting hours, but only because he was a nurse in same hospital and was on 12 hr shifts the whole time DD1 was in, so he went on his break for 15 mins and checked with DD and nursing staff that it was ok. Apart from that we never went outside visiting hours.
Yes I wanted to see my new grandchildren, but was totally led by my daughter and SIL, as it was their baby, not mine x