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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think DH should stop seeing this female "friend"

516 replies

springycurls · 04/03/2017 15:01

First time posting in AIBU, I really don't think I am but DH won't discuss it properly AT ALL

DH and I have been married for 6mo. I've known him 2 years. We're in our late 30s and met online. He was always open that he was looking for a serious relationship and our relationship is great. He can be a bit immature and there are things I'd like to change about him but overall I'm happy. He is in a very niche job working for the government that needs a lot of specific, high level qualifications (PhD as a minimum)- it can be very demanding and a lot of it he isn't allowed to talk about. (this is relevant!!)

He has this female "friend" who he met many years ago. She is in the same job but is 10 years younger and though he wasn't her manager he mentored her when she first started. They do seem to have a lot in common- DH has some quite strange interests that I think he's a bit old for TBH. They became friends and stayed in touch but there's always been something "off" about her. I've heard from friends who knew him before he met me that they used to go on "dates" e.g. for dinner or films even though she has a partner. That hasn't happened much recently. She's been with this partner a long time but they're not married so I'm dubious as to how serious she is about that.

Anyway I went through his FB messages and whatsapps and it seems like they message quite frequently- at least once every week. Sometimes she starts it, sometimes he does. Usually it's about some of these weird interests or sounding off about work- again the very specific stuff about their job that us "plebs" wouldn't understand - but I've noticed that she has a pet name for him that no one else uses and he uses a pet name for her. She sometimes ends her messages with xxx. They are due to be away for work in London in a couple of months. It's not required that they go as it's a seminar type thing, but I found a message from him asking if she was going and saying that he'd go if she does! She had replied saying thank god I'll have someone to sit next to, you're the only person I like out of all of them!!

She has in the past tagged him on facebook and it's always a bit inappropriate- like they both went to this comic book expo thing and she photographed him there with some models.

I have met her a few times and always felt she was actually a bit rude/cheeky to my DH- especially from someone so much younger who is in the same job and should be looking up to him. He says she's not rude it's just "we think the same way". I think she's a bit snooty as she seems to presume me and DH will have the same interests. We had her round for dinner once and it was awful! She's known DH's cat since it was a kitten so it loves her (cat hates me, I hate cats) and she made a bloody great fuss of it. She then wanted to talk politics which was a bit controversial as DH and I don't agree and she openly said she was shocked by that and not agreeing would be a "deal breaker" for her and her partner!
He wanted to invite her to our wedding but I said no. She sent us a card and a small gift anyway which I thought was quite passive aggressive!

I have tried to get him to talk about her but he just tells me to leave it and that there's nothing going on. I can't put my finger on it but it just doesn't seem right for him to have this sort of relationship. All his other female friends are our age, married and he's friendly with the husbands too. I've tried looking her up on facebook but her privacy settings are very strong so I can't even message her directly telling her to back off. I could get her number off DH phone but that seems a bit OTT

How can I get my DH to see this is a bit weird, and am I being unreasonable to think he should reduce his contact with her and keep it just professional? She's a young girl surely she should be making friends with people her own age anyway!

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 04/03/2017 21:23

To be honest, it sounds as though they get on really well, share mutual respect and have lots of shared interests. They have presumably had lots of opportunities to change the nature of their relationship if they wanted to.

You don't seem to respect his interests or opinions that much. Lots of creative, intelligent grown ups are into comicon, LARP, RPG and similar. I think you might need to think about why you love him but don't seem to respect him much. He might find it hard work having to live up to your expectations all the time.

happypoobum · 04/03/2017 21:24

springy The more you post the more I think that your perception of relationships has been royally fucked up somewhere along the line.

I know you said you had been cheated on twice but I think it's possibly more deep seated than that.

What is your relationship with your family of origin like? Did you have a dysfunctional childhood? Mine was utterly shite and gave me piss poor boundaries so I am not judging at all.

I agree with PP that it might be worth you getting some counselling to address whatever issues you do have. But you said you wouldn't be able to explain that to DH. Why would he need to know? You are still separate people you know...................

tabbymog · 04/03/2017 21:27

Agree with all this.

Get friendly with his cat, it takes time. If you make eye contact with a cat, give it a long slow blink and look away. Making continued direct eye contact with an animal says 'Back off, I'm not friendly'. A friendly relationship with a pet can be very soothing.

Zafodbeeblbrox10 · 04/03/2017 23:14

As pp said try the eye thing with the cat, and feed it!
You state that your dh's female friend is a high flyer, and so is he really if you need a PhD to do their job. Obviously being intelligent in this way is quite lonely unless shared by likeminded people. I think most of us associate with different friends for different reasons, it gives us something we need, and which can be reciprocal. Everyone is different and we all fit in socially in different ways, but it is well established that the human being needs this experience to thrive. Your dh and you are married and obviously care for one another, but I expect there are interactions that neither of you could fulfil, which is where friends come in. As pp's have said there is nothing in any of your posts approaching being suspicious. Try to think objectively.

PuddleJumper01 · 04/03/2017 23:53

OP, "keep your friends close and your enemies closer"

Very true. Try your very hardest with this woman!

Coastalcommand · 05/03/2017 00:13

YABU. She sounds lovely. You not so much...

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 05/03/2017 01:36

The late advocate Paul McBride went to Strathclyde Uni to study law at age 16 and graduated aged 19. Having a PhD at 22 wouldn't be impossible in that situation

Loads of Scottish students go from 5th year (when they will be 17) There was a 16 year old in my degree course at Aberdeen University.

I know several people who have PHds as their second degree. The person who does my research has an LLB and a PhD, no masters degree. The world does not begin and end with the English university system.

RiverdaleJughead · 05/03/2017 01:57

If she were male would you care? I am 22 and have lots of male friends from my job who are 30-35 , I even go drinking with them and give them lifts home from the pub. Sometimes one of them messages me because we have shared interests that the others aren't bothered about - but I'm happily with my DP ... just because someone is young and had a vagina doesn't mean they're a home wrecker . Also if the others they work with aren't their type of person then ofc they're friends , they probably keep each other sane at work. You sound insecure about your intelligence regarding his job and overly concerned about what is appropriate for your age group to be doing ( let the man have his interests ... no one said when you reach 30 you have to start focusing on classical music and gardening) . YABU

RiverdaleJughead · 05/03/2017 02:01

Also you thought he would stop liking his hobbies and start focusing only on you when you got married ? That's what you've said just rephrased .... I dont think you'd say he should stop reading books when he got married because you were there instead .... people have interests - just because you don't share them doesn't mean he should give them up. You sound a right nightmare tbh

RiverdaleJughead · 05/03/2017 02:02

Also you sound pretty aexist against women too

BusterGonad · 05/03/2017 08:12

Op I think you have massive self esteem issues, at first I just thought you sounded really immature and clingy but I think you need to work on improving your self esteem and gaining confidence. Your husband obviously loves you as he married you. Do you have many friends outside of your marriage? If you do I'd focus on having a life outside of your marriage and having interests you can do when your husband is doing his. To live your life through his is no good for you or him.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 05/03/2017 09:11

I know several people who have PHds as their second degree. The person who does my research has an LLB and a PhD, no masters degree. The world does not begin and end with the English university system.

Thank you very much for educating me on my own university system. You'll have missed the bit where I stated I was Scottish?

You were the one coming out with statements that Scots don't do masters and go straight from undergrad to PhDs, weren't you?

I think you even questioned whether "masters level" was a thing in Scotland? Even the most cursory glance at any university website in Scotland would demonstrate that masters level qualifications are very definitely a thing here.

greeneyedlulu · 05/03/2017 09:32

Married women like you give other women who are more that capable of friends with a man without wanting to jump in his pants a bad name and it really fucks me off!!
Yes his friendship may be a bit odd but you knew of it before you got married and to say she is being passive aggressive by sending you a card and a gift is just incredulous!!

Get your head sorted out!

HopefulHamster · 05/03/2017 10:16

OP, I am 37. I grew up in a time where all the boys I knew played video games and not many of the girls. Now as an adult most of the men still play (because they are fun, like watching movies or reading books is!).

The women my own age, I find, are split into two groups. Like/understand games as they've played or seen so much of it. Or, still think it's a weird geeky niche.

You seem to be in the latter group. Please get out of that mindset.

Games are fun. My husband will play them for the rest of his life (tho god knows what they'll turn into). I mostly just play phone games now as I don't have much time, but they're a good way of unwinding. They're totally mainstream. Not 'geeky' or childish.

Reset your mind on comics too. Graphic novels and comics are capable of being great literature (Neil Gaiman's The Sandman, anyone?) or relaxing fluff. They're just books. I read anything :)

Gertiegoolash · 05/03/2017 10:28

You sound unhinged OP, quite frankly if I was your DH I'd be running for the hills.

Gabilan · 05/03/2017 10:59

OP you're not responsible for the reputation of other women. Nor do I think anyone can really tell from a few posts on here that your husband should leave you.

You do come across as insecure and quite rigid in your thinking. I agree with PP who have suggested counselling or therapy. (They might suggest those two are linked- that you seek refuge in proscribed rules - but enough of the pop psychology). Good luck. You've taken quite a battering on here.

TheElephantofSurprise · 05/03/2017 16:34

TheElephantofSurprise so if this was a man posting saying he wanted the wife to stop being friends with an old friend just because it was with a man, it would be the same story
Absolutely.
You are all so fixated on your 'rights' that you forget what human beings are. Male/female heterosexual 'friendships' aren't advisable. But go right ahead with yours. I have no problem if your lives end up fucked up because you won't see sense.

OnionKnight · 05/03/2017 16:36

Male/female heterosexual 'friendships' aren't advisable.

What absolute bollocks.

Gileswithachainsaw · 05/03/2017 16:37

By that logic bi sexual people should never have any friends or be friends with each other

MiddleClassProblem · 05/03/2017 16:41

Elephant are you heterosexual? If so are you saying you are attracted to every member of the opposite sex that's why you can't be friends?

Gileswithachainsaw · 05/03/2017 16:57

I'm wondering how that would work. I mean people rarely advertise if they are straight or gay or bi etc

It's something you would often find out after you befriended them.

Do you get up and walk out the coffee shop mid mocha as soon as the mention of an ex cops up which confirmed their sexual preferences.

Do you suddenly stop taking calls from.someone who updates a face book profile pic which makes it clear also?

How the hell do you just decide to stop being friends based on sexuality

Bluntness100 · 05/03/2017 16:58

Op. do you have issues with other women you see as more attractive , more intelligent or more successful than you? Do you have close female friends that you would put into this category of being "better" than you in some areas.? I'm going to guess not.

The more you post the more it becomes hugely apparent your issue is nothing to do with the fact she is mates with your husband, your issue is absolutely to do with the fact you don't want to be anywhere near a woman you perceive as younger looking, more attractive , more intelligent or more successful than you.

You state you "still won't like her" but basically you dislike her for nothing more than the fact she is attractive intelligent and successful.

That must be a horrible way to live, that jealousy consuming you. I do think you need to get help to move past it.

SailAwayWithMeHoney · 05/03/2017 17:04

Male/female heterosexual 'friendships' aren't advisable. But go right ahead with yours. I have no problem if your lives end up fucked up because you won't see sense.

WTAF have I just read?!

PNGirl · 05/03/2017 17:05

If you were the one who had been married to/known your husband 10 years and then 2 years ago she had appeared in his life, I would say YWNBU because it can be difficult when your husband starts expending a lot of energy and free time messaging/talking about another woman; especially in ways he doesn't interact with you and doubly especially if you have been cheated on before. However I think this woman comes as part of the package and has from day 1 so accept it, or finish it.

corythatwas · 05/03/2017 17:07

TheElephantofSurprise Sun 05-Mar-17 16:34:05

"You are all so fixated on your 'rights' that you forget what human beings are. Male/female heterosexual 'friendships' aren't advisable. But go right ahead with yours. I have no problem if your lives end up fucked up because you won't see sense."

Really? Who gets to do the advising? Dh and I have been happy together for over 30 years. Part of that happiness is feeling fulfilled in our working life- which in my case means being able to discuss my academic and intellectual interests with someone who actually understands what I'm talking about. And unless dh is prepared to go off and do a PhD in a related field, that is not going to be him. I go out to dinner with colleagues, I go to conferences at the other end of the country, or abroad. Mine is a job you cannot do without that kind of contact. I have never felt the slightest temptation to be unfaithful.

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