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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my friends should have her daughter more

94 replies

TwistedHeart · 03/03/2017 23:12

Basically I'm god mother to my best friends daughter who's 2, I have her every weekend from Friday until Sunday which I don't mind as I love spending time with her. My friend has had a rough time lately she lost two close family members so I've been helping out more and having the little one through the week aswell. The thing is she lives with her partner who never seems to have the little one either. I feel bad for my God daughter because she must miss them. I don't know how to bring it up with my friend as she's still very fragile so any advice on how to approach the subject would be appreciated

OP posts:

tethersend · 04/03/2017 09:42

"I reckon one visit at the most and a hasty retreat incase they have to get involved."

Agreed. I'm just mindful of children I have worked with who were in horrendous, unchecked private fostering arrangements before coming into care. Not suggesting that the OP is unable to care for the child, just that things need to be checked and ratified.

Also, it sounds as if OP may be entitled to some benefits if she has the child for most of the week.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 04/03/2017 09:52

I'd be talking to SS, I've had all sorts of things in life crop up but never thought to outsource my parenting to someone else.

The child deserves better so I wouldn't hesitate to make the call.

Astro55 · 04/03/2017 10:00

Do you get help financially towards he upkeep?

Notso · 04/03/2017 10:08

IIRC private fostering is 28 consecutive days (or more) though short breaks can be included.

AnyFucker · 04/03/2017 10:12

I said it upthread and I agree with Tethers. After the Victoria Climbie case, the rules around private fostering changed and it is essential that the local authorities are informed

It may be that SS are not interested because it is not FT. It may be that they visit and are happy with the arrangements. But if something were to later happen to that child and it comes out that op was in sole charge of her for such large chunks of time, the implications could be very distressing for all involved.

Ok, just give SS a ring and see what they say. You don't need to immediately withdraw what you are doing because it sounds like you are doing a good thing

Notso · 04/03/2017 10:22

Sorry that was as clear as mud. Short breaks back to parent/s or to another carer within the 28 days can still be included as part of the consecutive days.

blueskyinmarch · 04/03/2017 10:32

It's not Private Fostering as OP only has the child a few days each week. Private fostering is when someone has the care of a child on a longer term basis it comes into play if you had a child for more than 28 days and is likely to continue. This means, I believe, that the child has to be living with that person for those 28 days continuously.

AnyFucker · 04/03/2017 10:37

I would let SS make that decision.

Serialweightwatcher · 04/03/2017 10:38

I think that is completely ridiculous, however bad she is feeling - it's nearly all week really ... what about you having a life? Even one Saturday night a week and a day during the week for tea is plenty when it's not your child.

TheFirstMrsDV · 04/03/2017 10:42

She would be entitled to some benefits but only if the mother relinquished her claim. I think the chances of that are zero.

My DS's bmum held on to his child benefit and associated benefits for two years despite never having care of her child.

I see it a lot in kinship care arrangements. The OP's arrangement is much closer to kinship care than it is to private fostering,
Parents go NUTS if their benefits are meddled with and just take the kids back.

OP if you cannot continue this arrangement and you feel the child would be safe back with her mother, try raising the subject of money.

If she is genuine she will offer you financial support to facilitate your shared care of her child.

Poorlybabysickday · 04/03/2017 10:42

Do you have children of your own?

KitKat1985 · 04/03/2017 11:01

I agree this is odd at best. If her mental health issues are so severe that she can't manage looking after her daughter most of the week then I think you need to speak to SS. Alternatively, she's trying it on and basically using you as free childcare, in which case I think you need to tell her you can't have her as often. I also feel sorry for your goddaughter - it must be effecting her relationship with her mother.

Littlelondoner · 04/03/2017 11:04

If mother is struggling she is lucky to have you. If you worry about neglect or social services getting involved etc.

May it be an idea to perhaps broach idea with mother about getting a parental righrs order in place. (If this is what you want. You seem to care for this girl dearly)

It just means if anything happens to mum or if they suddenly decide to stop contact etc due to new partner or if anything happens you feel you be disruptive to or not good for child. You can have a say in what happens to her etc. Also means whilst shed staying with you its more official. God forbid anything happens to her but you can sign rights for any medical treatment etc. Makes you more like a guardian than just the term godmother.

If mother is poorly too she obviously needs the support. But is she able to make decisions rationally about the situation as it is?

gobbin · 04/03/2017 11:14

HAHAHAHA at a godparent taking on parental responsibility when required. Never heard such a lot of twaddle in my life

The traditional role of Godparent within the Church meant exactly this in the event of the child becoming an orphan. While parents are alive though, the role was to support the moral and Christian upbringing of the child.

Many people have no genuine association with church though and wouldn't know this old tradition. Obviously, it has no legal standing, unless the Godparents are named as guardians in a will.

BaymaxismyHero · 04/03/2017 11:20

Sounds like your being a mummy to her unlike her own mother.

Not a great situation for you but from what you have described it's good this little girl has you to love her and take care of her.

ScrapThatThen · 04/03/2017 11:36

On the one hand you are providing a secure safe relationship for her and meeting her emotional needs. On the other hand, her primary attachment will be to you and this could cause her severe distress and mentsl health problems in the future, if say you had a rupture with parents and couldn't see her in the future, or just if she gets older and realises how shit her bond with her own parents is. I would seek professional advice from somewhere about this - ideally encourage your friend to see that this is not ideal, and to get a meeting set up between her adult mental health team, all of you, and childrens social care to discuss this childs and mums needs.

theclick · 04/03/2017 11:45

You have her every weekend? Jesus you're a nice friend! Does this not strike you as odd?

Gwenhwyfar · 04/03/2017 19:03

"On the other hand, her primary attachment will be to you and this could cause her severe distress and mentsl health problems in the future, if say you had a rupture with parents and couldn't see her in the future, or just if she gets older and realises how shit her bond with her own parents is."

There are plenty of children looked after by professionals or relatives every single day of the week. Do they all have severe mental health problems???

TheFirstMrsDV · 04/03/2017 19:05

Having a primary attachment does the opposite of causing distress and mental health problems.

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