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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think my friends should have her daughter more

94 replies

TwistedHeart · 03/03/2017 23:12

Basically I'm god mother to my best friends daughter who's 2, I have her every weekend from Friday until Sunday which I don't mind as I love spending time with her. My friend has had a rough time lately she lost two close family members so I've been helping out more and having the little one through the week aswell. The thing is she lives with her partner who never seems to have the little one either. I feel bad for my God daughter because she must miss them. I don't know how to bring it up with my friend as she's still very fragile so any advice on how to approach the subject would be appreciated

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 04/03/2017 07:17

" it is implicit that you will take over parental duties if required.

Er no it isn't. A Godparent is there to provide moral guidance and support and to reinforce Christian teachings. You are thinking of something akin to being a guardian."

No, traditionally the godparent is meant to take over if the parents are unable to care for their children through illness or death. However, this has any legal weight in this country - as you say that would be the guardian named in a will if both parents die.

FrancisCrawford · 04/03/2017 07:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Collaborate · 04/03/2017 07:38

I agree with what AnyFucker posted:
This is essentially a private fostering arrangement

Social Services need to know about this for their records

IMO it is full-time if the child is with you for more than half the time. Count the days and nights, and if you're unsure give SS a ring.

DrivingMeBonkers · 04/03/2017 07:42

Is your friend able to access the mental health support she needs?

FurryLittleTwerp · 04/03/2017 07:47

You're all right about the spiritual thing of course - it was late when I posted my nonsense Blush & I had had Gin

ChasedByBees · 04/03/2017 07:51

You are having the child more than 50% of the time. It won't do her any good - she will view you as a parent and it could really affect her bond with her real parents.

marthastew · 04/03/2017 07:59

It sounds like she is lucky to have you. But it's very odd. Do you have any concerns about her life at home?

Devilishpyjamas · 04/03/2017 08:08

How will you withdraw if the mother is too fragile to care for her dd?

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/03/2017 08:09

This situation sounds like what my friend /aquaintence did

Every weekend her son would go to another friends

Had own room and toys etc there - even took on holiday etc

Most of us found it a bit weird. Aquaintence was a single parent. Friend single and no kids

I think you need to start saying no. Cut done to one weekend day. ESP if partner there. Who I assume is the dad?

LostMyDotBrain · 04/03/2017 08:18

OP, what is your friend actually doing in all this free time you're giving her? Does she seem to miss her DD? You seem really reluctant to answer these questions.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/03/2017 08:26

Speaking as the daughter of a mother with undiagnosed but not great mental health, I would say the help you are giving to your friend and her child, is probably invaluable. A child learns so much in their formative years about self care and grounding and self esteem, which brings them to adulthood. My mother showed me none of these things. I had no one to teach me to love myself. She fed, taught me to read and I wanted for nothing in the physical sense, but so much was missing. By 3, I felt stupid and ridiculous. By 5, I truly loathed myself.

It may be that being with you for chunks of time is not facilitating bonding with her mother. However it doesn't sound as though her mother is available to bond with her in any case. Mine certainly was not and I was with her 24/7. Even if you were to drop from the face of the planet today, this little girl is irrevocably changed for the better because of your kindness, which will remain with her always. Yes, in an ideal world both parents would be taking care of this little girl and in reality, they are unable/unwilling.

Thank you for being there. 🌺🌷

Frazzled2207 · 04/03/2017 08:26

This is very strange and not right. Though the child and your friend are v lucky to have you.
Assuming your friend is capable of looking after her own daughter I think a serious conversation is necessary.
Suggest you have her maybe for a day at the weekend and once during the week?

GloGirl · 04/03/2017 08:33

You say you're a little worried about neglect, what is it that you're worried about?

Devilishpyjamas · 04/03/2017 08:48

I'm not saying you shouldn't withdraw btw - just musing on what an awful situation it is Sad

Olympiathequeen · 04/03/2017 09:01

I think your Gd is not missing out if her mother is in a bad place at the moment and is benefitting far more than she is missing by spending time with someone who is effectively 'mothering' her for the moment.

Maybe the partner is too busy caring for your friend? Too emotionally tied up to parent effectively? If you are happy with the arrangement then just carry on doing it. Children need a warm, caring environment with an individual who loves them, whether they are a mother, grandparent or foster mother, more than anything else.

tethersend · 04/03/2017 09:03

Are you happy with the current arrangement?

You must report this arrangement to SS- it is an offence not to. Guidance here.

SS will try and support the current arrangement if they feel it is in the child's best interests; given that she seems to have a secure attachment to you, it could well be that it is best for her to stay with you for a while whilst her mum is supported to meet her needs. Your GD would not necessarily need to go into care for this to happen.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 04/03/2017 09:03

Oh my God!!!

ShowMePotatoSalad · 04/03/2017 09:04

HAHAHAHA at a godparent taking on parental responsibility when required. Never heard such a lot of twaddle in my life. 😂😂😂😂

tethersend · 04/03/2017 09:06

I would not withdraw without support in place for your GD and her mother. Your GD may experience your disappearance from her life as a rejection, particularly if there are concerns that her mother is not able to meet her emotional needs. She may need support to understand what's happening.

Astro55 · 04/03/2017 09:07

But - you can say no!

I think you need to do more of a weekend than look after someone else's DD -

TheFirstMrsDV · 04/03/2017 09:09

This is not a weird or uncommon set up IME.
It very much depends on what you are used to, your background etc.

Several of my extended younger family members live under this sort of arrangement.
It is what people did before SS and when SS could only offer removal into group homes.

SS will not be interested. This is just the sort of set up that they would see as a solution to any welfare concerns. Its already in place so they would have no reason to get involved.

If the OP is happy with the way things are I can see no reason why it should change. The child has a solid, dependable person in her life and also spends time with her birth mother.

Ideally she would have a stable, nurturing, solid home life but as she hasn't, surely this is the next best thing?

The massive downside is that it puts huge pressure on the OP. This must be a financial burden as well as an emotional and practical one.

You are doing a good thing OP and your input will have already made a huge impact on that little girl.

You do not have to do this though. If its becoming too much you need to sort it out with her mum.

tethersend · 04/03/2017 09:25

"SS will not be interested. This is just the sort of set up that they would see as a solution to any welfare concerns. Its already in place so they would have no reason to get involved"

They have a legal duty to check where the child is living. They may do no more than this, but it is an offence not to notify the council of a private fostering arrangement. It's not a case of being interested.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 04/03/2017 09:25

social services need to be aware of a mother who can't cope because of mental illness, what if something happened to you op? Or when you go on holiday etc? Would goddaughter be in danger if you weren't providing so much childcare?
Do you get paid for this? You could have a lodger in that room paying your rent/mortgage , so this strange arrangent is costing you big time, if you were fostering these hours you would also be paid well
What you are doing is wonderfully supportive but I think mum and her boyfriend are taking the piss

tethersend · 04/03/2017 09:26

Sorry, sounded snippy. Didn't mean to- have been since DAWN cries

TheFirstMrsDV · 04/03/2017 09:29

Its cool Tethers.
I know what you mean.
The way things are in my areas I am not sure they would even visit tbh.
I know it technically comes under private fostering because the OP isn't a close relative.

I reckon one visit at the most and a hasty retreat incase they have to get involved.

That isnt a SW bash. They just don't have the resources to get involved with family who appear to have come to their own solution to an issue.