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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think my friends should have her daughter more

94 replies

TwistedHeart · 03/03/2017 23:12

Basically I'm god mother to my best friends daughter who's 2, I have her every weekend from Friday until Sunday which I don't mind as I love spending time with her. My friend has had a rough time lately she lost two close family members so I've been helping out more and having the little one through the week aswell. The thing is she lives with her partner who never seems to have the little one either. I feel bad for my God daughter because she must miss them. I don't know how to bring it up with my friend as she's still very fragile so any advice on how to approach the subject would be appreciated

OP posts:
Postagestamppat · 03/03/2017 23:41

Does your God daughter go to nursery? If so her parents will only being spending evenings with her until she goes to sleep, which for a toddler may be at 7ish. It sounds a very situation for the little girl. Is your best friend depressed? Are there relationship issues with her partner? Is the partner the girl's father. You should speak to her. It is not normal for a mother to be happy spending so little time with her child.

Original poster
TwistedHeart · 03/03/2017 23:45

I have her every week end and this has been an arrangement since October and recently a maybe once or twice through the week, I can't really say a lot more with it being obvious but she's struggled with mental health problems and losing family has set her back a bit. I'm not enabling anything. I love spending time with my God daughter and I want to help my friend as much as I can. It's more that her partner it quite capable of looking after her but she doesn't also she has a room here and toys and clothes and stuff.

OP posts:
Jux · 03/03/2017 23:46

Can you say that things in your life mean you are going to have cut down the time you have your gd? Maybe cut down slowly, like don't have her until Saturday lunchtime, for a few months, and then not until teatime and so on.

I don't know if that might make the conversation easier? While you're making the new arrangements, shemay tell you why it is she doesn't have her own dd with her at w/ es.

Original poster
TwistedHeart · 03/03/2017 23:49

She starts nursery in April. I've told my friend that obviously my contact with her will have to be cut down then she seemed fine with that but I don't know if it will happens

OP posts:
PuddleJumper01 · 03/03/2017 23:51

Where is the extended birth family? GPs, uncles, aunts? Why is all this falling on you?

dippylongstocking · 03/03/2017 23:52

What does she do with all of this child-free time?

TheOnlyColditz · 03/03/2017 23:56

You said her mental health is poor - honestly, are you concerned about neglect? Is that why you find it difficult to just say no to having her all the time?

Original poster
TwistedHeart · 03/03/2017 23:59

None of either of their family have anything to do with the little one tbh. It's been me since day one. Think week I had her Tuesday for a few hours. Then from Wednesday until tomorrow. I'm mainly bothered about how its effecting my GD more than anything... I mean she a very happy little girls and settles with me no problem but they're missing out on big things and that's sad

OP posts:
Original poster
TwistedHeart · 04/03/2017 00:01

I suppose I do worry a bit yes

OP posts:
dippylongstocking · 04/03/2017 00:04

Do you have children of your own? How does having her affect your family life?

Originalfoogirl · 04/03/2017 00:10

Sounds a bit weird to me.

But, you've kind of made your own bed by agreeing to it for so long. You need to sit and have a chat with her about it. It's not healthy for her daughter.

HPandBaconSandwiches · 04/03/2017 00:15

OMG OP, you're being an amazing godmother but this has gone far too far. One weekend a month to give her a break maybe, but otherwise if she can't cope with her daughter to this extent you need to get the mother some help.
Will she go to her GP?
Is her partner the other parent or not?
Trouble is this essential abandonment by her parent will cause a significant impact on this little girl. She is effectively in your unofficial foster care. Maybe have a chat with her health visitor?
Poor wee girl

Duck90 · 04/03/2017 00:28

Are you godmother through a christening? Or is the term godmother used more because it describes your close relationship to mum, but nothing official is written about your connection to the child.

MrsMcMoo · 04/03/2017 00:36

They don't sound like very good parents, sorry. Is it safer for the child for you to have her at weekends? What are they doing? Doesn't he like having a child around? V V odd, not usual at all. You sound very generous by the way, the little girl is lucky to have you in her life.

FurryLittleTwerp · 04/03/2017 00:38

When you agree to be a Godparent, it is implicit that you will take over parental duties if required.

Mostly, these days, it isn't necessary modern medicine & all that but you seem to be doing it.

Good for you - you are a kind & helpful person, but they are massively taking the piss now.

ILikeyourHairyHands · 04/03/2017 00:40

Is your friend's partner the child's Dad?

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 04/03/2017 00:46

You have her every week. That's a piss take. Its fine the odd occasion, once a month of there abouts, but. That's abusing a friendship

dowhatnow · 04/03/2017 00:49

Sounds worrying. Do you see it changing in the near future? It's not going to be good for the little girls mental health for this to continue as she gets older.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 04/03/2017 01:08

This isn't normal or healthy for the child. She will become very attached to you, and probably views you as a parent same way if not more so than she does her mum.
You are basically sharing the parent role 50-50, not because her and her partner can't look after her, but because they don't want to. One of your posts read that her new partner is female (sorry if i've mistaken that) and isn't the childs other biological parent. Could it be her partner doesn't want children, and so your friend is putting the child on you so much to keep her partner happy? IF this is the case she shouldn't have a kid, her DD should come first above any partner.

Completely honestly, do you think she regrets having a child, or that it was realistically too much for her to take on? Some people resent giving up their free time and lifestyle they were used to, and palm the kid off every oppertunity they get. I have mental health problems that mean i couldn't cope being a parent, i know that, so i won't ever have a child. I couldn't even cope with a dog or cat, so i don't get one of those either. Being a mother may have been wishful thinking.
Losing family members should honestly make her want her daughter closer and with her to protect her, not pass her off for someone else to look after.
You need a serious talk with this friend, she's a parent now and she needs to either step up, or consider giving her DD up for adoption/foster etc because she's clearly not acting like a mother.

Uptownfuckuup · 04/03/2017 01:14

Do you not work ?
How can you have her so often

NoMudNoLotus · 04/03/2017 01:21

OP social services need informing of this one.

blueskyinmarch · 04/03/2017 01:28

Social services won't be interested. The child is being cared for and that's what matters. It might be a different story if OP withdraws a bit and the child's DM can't cope having her full time. Lots of grandparents step in to fill gaps where parents can't manage and this is really no different.

Twisted heart what do you think would happen if you were to pull back a bit and say you couldn't have your goddaughter as often? Would her mother be able to care for her properly? Do you have children of your own? Where is the child's father in all this?

Aliveinwanderland · 04/03/2017 01:42

Private fostering needs reporting to social services if it is for more than 3 weeks. I don't believe you need to report it in this case because it isn't full time.

I had my niece every weekend from being 2.5 years until 10. Now it's more like every 3rd weekend as she likes to go out with friends and I live over half an hour away. It can be tough as as much as I loved having her it also took away some of my down time and because there was a case of neglect st home it was awful taking her home every Sunday.

steff13 · 04/03/2017 02:26

It sounds like your friend and her partner are both women, is that right? Is there a father in the picture at all?

wowfudge · 04/03/2017 07:07

When you agree to be a Godparent, it is implicit that you will take over parental duties if required.

Er no it isn't. A Godparent is there to provide moral guidance and support and to reinforce Christian teachings. You are thinking of something akin to being a guardian.

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