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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can't get over the past.

51 replies

Hiam · 03/03/2017 21:42

Around about ten years ago I slept with someone I shouldn't. I was very young at the time and thought he genuinely loved me and that it made me a grown up. The fall out afterwards was massive and has affected my confidence greatly. All this time later I feel hugely guilty about it.
A few days ago I was on Instagram and one of his children came up on the explore option. Since then I haven't been able to sleep of eat, I feel so guilty around my DH because I feel like he can tell I did something wrong. I have never really told him about what happened as I feel so ashamed of what I did. Any tips on how I can move on will be greatly appreciated. I feel so weary from this weighing me down.

OP posts:

ThisAintALoveSong · 03/03/2017 21:57

I'm sure someone will come along with a better answer but do you think it's worth telling your husband? It may help you feel 'unburdened' any perhaps he won't judge you as harshly as you are judging yourself.

Were you and your dh in a relationship at the time you were involved with this other man? As in, is your dh likely to get hurt if you were to reveal your past? Will there be consequences from it?

Lastly I would advise you talk to someone in RL about this as it will continue to eat away at you. I know only too well the burden of bottling things up, it feels like a weight. If you have no one you can reach out to and open up with maybe try counselling as an alternative.

Just remember we are not perfect, everyone has a past and I bet everyone you meet has something they regret. I really hope you can heal and move forwards. Sending you hugs x

ThisAintALoveSong · 03/03/2017 21:58

And not any*

TitaniasCloset · 03/03/2017 21:59

We have all made mistakes, don't be so hard on yourself

mnpeasantry · 03/03/2017 22:00

It sounds like you are giving yourself a really hard time. It was 10 years ago. People make mistakes and you must forgive yourself and move on.

Original poster

Hiam · 03/03/2017 22:04

I wasn't with my husband at the time. I was very young (teenage). I am tempted to tell him. I don't want him to think less of me though.

OP posts:

MyKingdomForBrie · 03/03/2017 22:07

Just talk to him, hopefully he will make you see that you need to let this go now. Everyone makes mistakes, it's in the past.

SarcasmMode · 03/03/2017 22:08

By the sounds of it you were a minor and they were an adult so it should be them who feels guilty, not you.

But we all make mistakes-- it's not learning from them that becomes a problem.

SoulLove · 03/03/2017 22:12

How old were you when it happened?

ThisAintALoveSong · 03/03/2017 22:12

If you weren't with him at the time what can he truly say? I would understand if you were with him and did this that he will be upset but you weren't.

If it is completely out of character for you to do what you did back then, his first response may be that of shock. But if he is loving and supportive he will soon get over that and realise how much you must have trusted him to come clean in the first place.

I would emphasise my point to you that I would only tell him Bold:if you thought it would help and be useful. If you feel telling him would make matters worse then no need to mention it to him, it doesn't effect him.

It sounds like you really need a good friend to talk to, which may and may not be your husband. You need to deal with the guilt of this somehow and let this go.

We have all done silly stuff when we were younger especially when it comes to the opposite sex. It's all part of learning and growing up. You made a mistake. Please don't think you have to spend the rest of your life paying the price for it.

Maybe writing a letter to your dh, the older bloke, or even yourself but never sending it, but burn it instead will be a cathartic release for you? You were young and whichever way you look at it, you can in no way accept all the blame for the fall out. It took two to tango

Original poster

Hiam · 03/03/2017 22:22

Thank you for all the kind messages
DH is a lovely man and I am sure he would be more upset about how upset I have made myself over this. I have lied to him about what happened in the past for example silly conversations when we first got together about losing our virginities and first kisses I made up a story about some random boy at school rather than tell him what really happened. I hope he would be understanding about why I wasn't honest about it.
I like the idea of writing a letter. I will try and write it when DH is away next week for work.

OP posts:

Racmactac · 03/03/2017 22:24

Sorry I don't get it. You had sex with someone 10 years ago and your thinking about it and worried about discussing it with dh.

I really don't see the drama?

TitaniasCloset · 03/03/2017 22:28

When you talk about the fall out from this, do you mean that people found out and blamed you and gave you a really hard time? I was in a similar situation when I was very young and vulnerable and the guilt which I took on affected me deeply for years. I had to realise that I'm not a bad person and I was given too hard a time by people looking for someone to blame.

ThisAintALoveSong · 03/03/2017 22:30

If you told him now he may be upset more that he's been deceived (I'm not trying to make you feel bad, just offering another perspective). You know your dh better than anyone so only you can know if that would upset him.

Sometimes it's just better to keep the illusion intact as long as in doing so its not harming anybody. I have a massive secret that I've not told dp, have no intention of telling him yet because it affects no one but me and has absolutely no bearing on our relationship or day to day life. It's something I'm deeply embarrassed about hence I keep it under wraps. It occasionally drags me down that I don't be open about it. It's a medical issue, can only and will only ever affect me as it's not genetic or contagious but I choose to keep it personal.

Sorry I'm drifting. Hope the letter thing works for you x

littlefrog3 · 03/03/2017 22:32

I'm puzzled. Why does you husband need to know?

I did things I am not proud of before I met my husband. Hell would freeze over before I'd tell him about anything. It was before we met. It's got nothing to do with him.

Why do you think your husband needs to know?

Original poster

Hiam · 03/03/2017 22:34

Titania at the time I was in a very bad place. I was very young and just wanted to impress him. His wife eventually found out about it and my life was made a misery by her family and friends. I was very young and not with my family at the time so found this very intimidating. Not that I blame her family and friends for being angry with me. As someone else said it takes two to tango.

OP posts:

Funnyonion17 · 03/03/2017 22:34

Do you suffer anxiety? It sounds like your being too harsh on yourself, we've all done things we aren't proud of. Your not a monster.

ThisAintALoveSong · 03/03/2017 22:35

Little frog - I think the op feels so incredibly guilty by what has happened that she feels the need to unburden herself of the guilt some how.

Her way of doing that is by confessing her 'sins' to the person closest to her i.e her husband.

Correct me if I'm wrong OP

TitaniasCloset · 03/03/2017 22:39

Aah I see. Yes really similar to my situation. He turned out to be a sexual predator in the end, who had a thing for vulnerable young women.

I really think you need to let this go. He took advantage, the blame, the real blame is with him. I think you have internalised the wife's awful view if you because you were Aline and didn't have anyone else to tell you better. Big hugs sweetie. You are definitely not a bad person as a bad person just would not care who they hurt.

TitaniasCloset · 03/03/2017 22:40

Alone I meant.

PixiePlunge · 03/03/2017 22:42

I hold my hands up to sleeping with a married man. It was once, it was wrong and I do regret it. He pursued it like crazy and I was in a bad place.

It does take two but he knew what he was doing. He risked what he had.

You're human. Please stop feeling guilty.

Talk to your husband.

witsender · 03/03/2017 22:44

I am assuming a teacher or similar. OP you haven't done anything wrong.

ThisAintALoveSong · 03/03/2017 22:51

I think maybe seeing the older mans child on instagram has opened up old wounds that the OP thought she had laid to rest.

The backlash from the guys family must have been awful and really hammered a young girls self esteem which by the sounds of it was fragile to begin with. I can see where OP is coming from.

OP please do not beat yourself up over this. You can't change the past, you can only go forwards which by the sounds of it you have done brilliantly up until recently. If you think nothing good can come from telling your dh just hold your head high, proud of the person you have since become and try to put it behind you for good.

The fact that the guilt is eating you up speaks volumes, proof of someone who made a genuine mistake and I think the remorse you feel is punishment enough for the crime you think you committed. Don't forget, an older, married man put his family on the line whilst preying on a young girl whom he ultimately took advantage of for his own gratification. I wonder if the guilt on his part chews him up inside.

You sound lovely. Lovely people don't deserve to feel tormented.

Ohyesiam · 03/03/2017 23:06

You need to talk to your younger self, and tell the younger you that you forgive her I know that sound a bit woo, ( or a lot woo....) But it's a therapy technique, and it really helped me. You don't need to do it in a big way, I just sort of imagined my younger self, and in my mind muttered that I forgave her, and imagined giving her a hug, andt it made my life easier, and let me let go of the past.

downwardfacingdog · 04/03/2017 12:14

Yes you need to forgive your younger self. I was the OW as a teen (he wasn't married but was older and in a ltr) I don't feel guilty anymore. I'm a different person now and would never do that to another woman , or to myself as I have grown up since then. Presumably you have too. I wouldn't think less of someone who told me about something they did in their teens.

blue2014 · 04/03/2017 12:33

Do you feel comfortable telling us how old you were at the time OP? It sounds like you were very vulnerable

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