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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Can't get over the past.

51 replies

Hiam · 03/03/2017 21:42

Around about ten years ago I slept with someone I shouldn't. I was very young at the time and thought he genuinely loved me and that it made me a grown up. The fall out afterwards was massive and has affected my confidence greatly. All this time later I feel hugely guilty about it.
A few days ago I was on Instagram and one of his children came up on the explore option. Since then I haven't been able to sleep of eat, I feel so guilty around my DH because I feel like he can tell I did something wrong. I have never really told him about what happened as I feel so ashamed of what I did. Any tips on how I can move on will be greatly appreciated. I feel so weary from this weighing me down.

OP posts:
DJBaggySmalls · 04/03/2017 12:40

I think you would benefit from cognitive behaviour therapy and assertiveness training. Your self esteem seems to be tied up with what men think of you.
Dont tell your DH anything yet, its all too fresh and dramatic. It seems like a big deal to you now. you may feel differently after talking it over with someone.

andontothenext · 04/03/2017 12:56

Let me get this straight

You were a teenager (also single) and you slept with a much older married man. His family found out and made your life miserable. You've now seen one of his children on instagram and it's rekindled those feelings of guilt and shame?

Well let me tell you, it's nothing to do with your husband and if you choose to tell him he really can have any other reaction than anger that you were taken advantage of.

You didn't do anything wrong all those years ago other than have a lack of judgement which can be attributed to your youth.

I'd honestly consider speaking to someone professionally about this as it shouldn't be affecting you the way it is

Hiam · 04/03/2017 19:59

I was 15 at the time and I think people can imagine how a 15 year old meets a married man. Which only adds to my shame about what happened. Apart from a few hiccups over the year such as in the run up to my wedding I feel like i had made progress.

OP posts:
blue2014 · 05/03/2017 00:09

I can't imagine how you met, maybe he was a teacher? However you were a child and it also sounds like you were vulnerable and without family support. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of Flowers

FellOutOfBed2wice · 05/03/2017 00:17

I slept with my married teacher when I was a young teenager. Not just once- hundreds of times. Was in love with him. Went on for years. He was a predatory shit bag. His wife was terrible to me when she found out. I was in a very dark place when it ended. What helped me was therapy because it made me see it for what it was- I wasn't some scarlet woman mistress who femme fataled my way into another woman's territory: I was a fucking vulnerable child who was abused.

I've been entirely honest with my now DH about it. He was never appalled by what I did, he was appalled by what happened to me.

Please tell your husband and please get some professional help. You need to reframe this in your head. Good luck. I know what it's like to have your young adulthood tarnished by something like this.

StrangeLookingParasite · 05/03/2017 08:29

OMG, 15! Please, please stop beating yourself up about this, it was not, not your fault (and I am the queen of rehashing old stupidities).
He completely took advantage of you, and the people blaming you were wrong. He is a predator.

  1. Shit. Poor girl.
Vegansnake · 05/03/2017 08:34

You could probably report him to the police for this.15 is a child.he was a pedophile

Vegansnake · 05/03/2017 08:36

I think you need to change that guilt for anger...anger at what he did .you were a child ..yes tell yr husband and then the police

IamFriedSpam · 05/03/2017 08:38

You were taken advantage of at a vulnerable time by an older man (that knew exactly what he was doing). I feel angry on your behalf. Like others have said I think you could benefit from CBT or at least some talking therapy. You should have absolutely no feelings of guilt about this at all.

Littledidsheknow · 05/03/2017 08:46

He took advantage of you. He is a paedophile.
I feel angry that it's left you feeling like shit many years later. You made a child's mistake; he cheated on and betrayed his wife, and took advantage of a child.

The guilt should be ALL his.

Talk to your DH or a close friend. I'm sure they'll help you to feel better and that you can move on guilt free. Flowers

Rixera · 05/03/2017 08:53

If it was another child being persued by a predatory older man, would you tell her she should be ashamed of herself?
Or would you tell him he should?

I once read something in a book about childhood sexual abuse and it involved a thought experiment about whether it would ever be the child's fault. It involved the teenage girl approaching her father (or other older man) in her underwear, seductively propositioning him. It wondered whose fault it would be, if the man was tempted.

The answer was that the adult has the maturity and responsibility that the child doesn't, and if he was decent, he would sit the girl down and say something along the lines of 'I care about you, but this is something that you should save for when you are older, and you have found a boyfriend to share this experience with as equals.' he should then encourage her to go and get dressed. This affirms that he still cares about her, she doesn't need to be ashamed of her feelings, but it's not appropriate to act on them.

This is the kind of guidance you deserved, and it isn't what happened because he was willing to take advantage of your naivete for his own enjoyment. The wife chose to blame you as an intruder rather than upset her own world by accepting that she had married a sexual predator.

Something else that I found is that shame is like something physical and after sexual abuse occurs (which is what this is, you were under the age of consent) somebody has to take it. The predator? Nah, they'll do anything not to feel guilty. If you speak to them, they're always full of excuses. But the already vulnerable victim? They are often filled with an intrinsic shame, because no one else was going to take that shame, so they had to.

That shame needs to be pushed back to where it belongs. Squarely on his head.

BlondeBecky1983 · 05/03/2017 09:01

The guilt is all his.

FellOutOfBed2wice · 05/03/2017 10:20

Rixera what an amazing post. You've absolutely hit the nail on the head about this kind of abuse. This has helped me and I'm a lot further down the line than the OP so I think it will help her too. Thank you.

joystir59 · 05/03/2017 10:32

if you were very young and the other person was a married adult it sounds as if you were sexually abused and then blamed for it OP. This happened to me- I was sexually abused from 13 t- 15 by my BIL and when it all came out my family totally blamed me. For long years I felt like a monster- very ashamed and guilty and couldn't talk about what had happened to anyone- I locked it away inside myself. Eventually I told OH before we got married as I felt he deserved the chance to dump me- when I told him he was the first person who said 'it wasn't your fault'. Major lightbulb moment. I really echo what others have said here OP- please tell someone and let go off this- I am sure you do not need to carry this burden any longer.

joystir59 · 05/03/2017 10:38

OP I have found talking therapy very helpful in processing my guilt and shame and coming to understand that I wasn't responsible for what happened- I was a victim and I was groomed. What haunted me for ages was the knowledge that I chose the experience by responding to his advances. BUT this is wrong OP- the person why abused you was in a position of responsibility and also of power towards you as a child and he abused his position. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME!!!! In recent years I went to the police and my abuser was arrested, and in due course placed on the sex offender's register. I wanted him to understand what he had done and that it had never gone away for me. Seeking justice was part of the process of forgiving him and setting myself free.

FellOutOfBed2wice · 05/03/2017 13:38

Joy that's terrible. I hope to God that your sister divorced him. Scumbag.

What's fucking depressing is how many of us this has happened to. Mine is still teaching unfortunately. He groomed and had sexual contact with me from age 13 but no intercourse til I was 16 and it was before the law changed in 2003, so he's never been punished. When I came forward the police told me it wasn't a crime... just basically professional misconduct. He lost his job when I later complained, but his wife who is also a teacher (and now a deputy head) got him a job at her school without the need for any references. Terrible. I can't think about it without going cold. I can only hope that his wife has got her eye on him as they work so closely and he won't ever be able to do it again, but I'm not so sure. It bothers me a lot.

Mermaidinthesea · 05/03/2017 13:42

I've been through at least three sexual predators while a youngster as i was a very poor judge of character and these types are usually very manipulative and devious. I don't let it bother me - it's all a part of growing up and learning from mistakes.
If it bothers you this much then I suggest going to see a counsellor and talking it through but personally I find it hard to get excited about the stupidf things I did while learning to be an adult. I just move on.

joystir59 · 05/03/2017 13:53

FellOutOfBed2wice So sorry you've had a similar experience and yes, its unfortunately Sooo common. It must be hard to know that he is still out there with access to young people, and that his wife stood by him. My sister did divorce bil, but did not support me going to the police and we haven't spoken since. In my case all the police could do was caution him and put him on the sex offender register, because of how long ago it happened- before 2003.
Mermaidinthesea I'm glad you were able to put early experiences behind you and move on- we all deal with things in different ways and many many of us have moved one but continued to be affected by our internalised negative feelings such as guilt and shame which we need help to unpick understand and let go of.

Crickeycrumbsblimey · 05/03/2017 14:15

You did not "do" anything, this was done to you.
You were abused
This is not just my judgement but in the eyes of the law.

His wife and her family added to and compounded the abuse.

You did nothing wrong. NOTHING

Get help and set yourself free xx

FellOutOfBed2wice · 05/03/2017 16:14

joy in a way I suppose your sister was also a victim of his evil, but that's no excuse for not talking to you anymore- same with my abusers wife, she wasn't the brightest candle on the cake, nor was she especially confident or attractive and he was literally her first and last boyfriend so I think he picked his mark with her.

Unfortunately I think these men pick wives who won't question them too much and will tolerate their nonsense. My ones wife had been raped as a teenager and I suspect that she had sexual issues and that's what attracted him to her- unquestioning of his sexual proclivities.

Yes, I hate the idea that he still has access to young people. My only hope is that he's old and fat and deeply unattractive to the teenage girls he is attracted to.

FoodGloriousFud · 05/03/2017 16:47

Seems like a massive over-reaction to me. You slept with a married man 10 years ago, got grief for it and now you can't sleep or eat cos you saw his child's name??!!

FellOutOfBed2wice · 05/03/2017 16:53

Food RTFT and have some bloody sensitivity.

MrsTwix · 05/03/2017 17:51

You were blamed but you were not to blame. He was. You were a child. They were wrong to victim blame.

MrsTwix · 05/03/2017 17:54

How long ago did you report this fallen? Schools take this more seriously than ever, and his wife should get into trouble for him being employed without proper clearances. Any sexual contact with a minor is illegal, not just full sex, I reckon Ofsted might be interested.

FellOutOfBed2wice · 05/03/2017 18:02

MrsTwix reported 2005. The situation (before I was 18) was from 1996. Was told it wasn't illegal as we only had sex after I was 16 in 1999, so predates the law change of 2003.

As far as I know his CRB/DBS is clear as he's not commuted any real crime apparently, he's just been employed without references OR the school that fired him after I complained gave him a neutral reference and he has got the job on the basis that she's vouched for him.